we want different things!

[owlscry]

hello everyone.

 

my boyfriend and i got pregnant by mistake in early december. at first i was really upset that our plans for the future were all messed up, but for the past couple years i have wanted to have a child so it didn't take me long to get used to the idea and was really looking forward to the process. my boyfriend was not happy but he was coming around as well. then i had a miscarriage on christmas eve. i was beyond destroyed, and my boyfriend was sad for me, but not upset that the baby was gone.

 

i don't know how to go on with normal life. it's all i think about now, how i want to be pregnant so very badly. i'm trying so hard to be rational and understand that he wants to wait for another year and a half, but it's killing me inside. i see babies and pregnant women everywhere i look and my heart just aches.

 

what can i do? i love him so much, we are soul mates, he is the one i want to spend the rest of my life together, but i can't deal with this! he will not budge. everything has to be his way!

 

anyone have any advice?

[moimeme]

Very sorry to hear that that was a miscarriage.

 

Relationships, and decisions about relationships MUST be negotiated. Is it at all possible that your grief about losing this baby is clouding your judgement? You can get pregnant in a year and a half. It's not as though he said you should never do so. Is it possible that you felt this child would fill a gap in your life that you are now desperate to fill?

 

I think you may need some help to deal with the loss of your unborn child. I also think you need to really do some thinking to see why you MUST have a baby NOW. A year and a half is not that much time to wait, and certainly both you and the child will fare much better if your bf is in position to welcome the child and help you with it.

[brashgal]

I'm sorry for your loss, planned or unplanned, it can be very sad to lose a potential child.

 

It has only been about 10 days since your miscarriage. Give yourself time to heal emotionally - you are not in a state where you are thinking rationally. Even if you did want to have another child right away, many doctors advise waiting 3 months or more.

 

I would stop discussing it with your bf for awhile. Do what you need to do to get over your loss and then think seriously about your future plans - where would you want to be career-wise? Have you saved an adequate amount of money so you could furnish a nursery, take time off from work or school without having to struggle...Are you living in a large enough place to accomodate the three of you? Are there any other goals, vacations, things you want to do that you haven't done that might be better done without a baby? Would your current lives truly be better with a baby? I don't know your ages or circumstances but maybe waiting another 9 months or so (he said 1-1/2 yrs - remember that you are pregnant over 9 months) wouldn't be such a bad thing.

[Swamp]

I think you are very hurt and deeply disappointed about the loss, which is understandable. However, like each reply has stated; you can get pregnant in a year and a half. Miscarriages are quite common, so you should not fret about it. My sister had a miscarriage and about exactly a year and a half later had a beautiful son who turns 3 this weekend.

 

I really suggest that you hear your boyfriend out on this one. He is willing to have a child with you, but as a man I can understand his wanting to hold off for a short time. That can be a very huge step in someone's life, my friend. You can not turn back on that decision. You guys now have all the time in the world to plan it to perfection. This way you can become stable and mentally ready.

 

It has only been a little over a week since the miscarriage. You are feeling very normal feelings right now. Keep positive and pray for guidance.

[Hopeovexperience]

Owlette - I'm so sorry.

 

I've been where you are. Accidental pregnancy followed by miscarriage. You simply don't get over it in ten days. It's coming up to two years for me and I am in no way completely over it. The desparate urge to get pregnant again does fade although I don't know that it ever completely goes away and my heart still aches.

 

My way through was counselling. The counselling made me realise that while I desparately wanted to become pregnant again following the miscarriage, it wasn't the right thing to do when the relationship was in the state it was in. Combined with the upset of the miscarriage, I knew deep down that things were not right between us and we didn't want the same things. I ended the relationship - and with it any possibility of me getting pregnant again in the close future - and it hurt like hell. But it was the right thing to do for me. I'm not saying that this is the case for you.

 

Reactions to miscarriage vary and some men just cannot understand how deeply a transforming experience being pregnant is for a woman. It may also be that your boyfriend doesn't want to conceive straight away because he can see how much this is affecting you and he can't bear to think of it happening again.

 

Another thing which peversely helped me was a girlfriend of mine suggesting that I tricked him in to getting me pregnant again (some friend eh?). This disgusted me so much that I realised that being pregnant again wasn't going to make everything better. I wanted the full deal. I wanted to be pregnat but I wanted that with a partner who wanted it as much as I did.

 

If you were thinking of looking, believe me when I say of finding a good man who wants a baby as much as you do before your boyfriend says he does are negligible. If someone had told me two years ago that I would still be childless now, I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I thought I would explode with unrealised maternal potentiality within the following nine months. I haven't and you won't. Try to give it time and let yourself and your relationship heal.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Hopexxx

[owlscry]

thank you all for your advice!

 

i want to express somethings though- i never planned on forcing my hand with mu b/f and becoming pregnant on purpose. i think that's digusting and disrespectful. i also never thought of leaving him for someone else- he's my soul mate. i don't ever want anyone else.

 

i think you are all correct and that it makes sense to wait, and i know that a year and a half may not seem like a long time to some. right now it feels like centuries. day by day i guess things are getting better, and my b/f and i have never been stonger in our love for eachother, but there is always this empty feeling inside me... maybe its because some of my friends are pregnant and i have to cope with the envy and jealousy i have while also being so happy for them as well.

 

oh well, all of these emotions aside, i will have to wait i guess. he is, afterall, younger than me so i can't expect him to be in the same headspace.

 

brashgal: i also mentioned to my b/f that i really only had to wait 9 months so that we would be timed nicely for the year and a half, but i'm afraid he didn't go for that... he said he wanted to start trying to conceive in a year and a half, so no luck there...

 

hopeoverexperience: i'm sorry for yours loss. i'm taking hope from your statement that the desparate urge does fade. i really hope so, because this is torture. i will let you know if i suddenly explode with unrealized maternal potential!

 

moimeme: my judgement is definately clouded, and i know it. this aside, i don't believe that i have been trying to fill a gap in my life. i'm just sad because my b/f and i are planning our lives together, and i know he will be an excellent father. it was a little earlier than originaly planned, but he was becoming more used to the idea, and he was getting a little excited too.

 

swamp: i really hope you are right, and that when we do try to conceive i am as lucky as your sister. i've had some problems with dangerous close to cancer like cells on my cervix that have had to be removed before so that kindof added to my feelings of fear surrounding carrying a baby to term. keep your fingers crossed for me!

[cdn]

Hi -

 

I think that it is very natural for your pregnancy to have kicked your desire to have a child into high gear. While I agree that 10 days after your m/c is too soon to be making a decision about the timing of your next pregnancy, I also feel that 1 1/2 years is not necessarily the right amount of time, either. Some of this depends on your age and your doctor's assessment of your ability to have a trouble-free pregnancy. Have you discussed any of this with her? Also, is your bf committed to having a child in the future? In one set of posts you mentioned trying again in 1 1/2 years but in another set you mentioned that he'd never want to try again. While it's true that relationships require compromise, this is a pretty big issue and it's a rare partner who can change views in a win-win way (i.e., decide to or decide not to have a child when previously the opposite opinion was held). So you may want to take some time to both understand your own motivations and your bf's.

 

Anything else I would say was nicely covered by Hope.

[moimeme]

On the one hand, you say:

aside, i don't believe that i have been trying to fill a gap in my life

 

But in your second paragraph you say:

but there is always this empty feeling inside me .. maybe its because some of my friends are pregnant

 

You maybe want to think about this some more. I don't think it's wise to have a baby to cure an 'empty feeling'.

[lotsoffun]

The empty feeling is there because you had a baby growing in you and now it is gone. That's perfectly understandable. It takes time to heal from a miscarriage. My heart goes out to you. Take time to care for yourself and try to find something to do to keep your mind off wanting to become pregnant again. Sooner or later the feelings will lessen.

[owlscry]

moimeme:

 

lotsoffun put it perfectly in response to you moimeme: the empty feeling is there now because the baby that was growing inside me is now gone. there wasn't an emptiness that needed to be filled before i was pregnant.