Girlfriend lying, trust issues etc. Need avice

[Sako23]

First part:

 

1. Guys or girls Would you be okay if your girlfriend/boyfriend had a friend of opposite sex who texted almost every night to each other at 1-2am "good night", "sweet dreams"?

 

2. Would you be okay if your significant other had several X's as friends and still talked to them and even hanged out with them?

 

3. Now same question as #2 except that she has shared information with you such as with one of the X's she had a threesome in the past. About another X she shares information with you such as that he was very good looking and that he had a six pack. And with another one she is still friends because she just can't get rid of him because he is suicidal over her...

 

4. Would you be okay if your significant other had a person in their life significantly older then them and talked to them from time to time. Lets say she's 21 and the man is 50. And the man clearly stated that he would like to be with her.

 

5. And in general would you be okay if your significant other had a bunch of opposite sex friends that pop up from time to time and just ask how is she doing etc etc?

 

Now the long part. Sorry that its a bit long, but if you don't want to read it at least try to answer my first 5 questions.

 

I'm currently dating this girl for 5 months and I love her to death, but our relationship definitely has been problematic and not all that smooth so far. To start things off in the first month of our relationship we were hanging out just walking around at night like 1am in the morning and suddenly her phone started ringing non-stop for about 20 times. She told me that it was her X and that she will deal with it. Of course I wasn't too happy with this little incident and I let her know exactly how I feel and that something like that cannot happen if we are going to date further. She agreed and said she will fix it and that there is absolutely nothing going on between them.

 

Well about a week later I find out that they are still talking with each other via text messages or at least she claims that its only via text messages and that they only ask each other how things are going etc, well I thought that was fine but then on the same day she gets a text message from another guy who is asking her is she naked... Well too me that sort of thing isn't funny at all and very disrespectful because we have been dating for a month and we already had a little incident so I would think she would have no problem with me being upset about that text message. Well she decides to defend him and is all like. He's just a friend and its just for fun and later on I finally get through her and she texts that friend something like don't text me something like that again because my boyfriend finds it disrespectful and he replies to her that I'm boring etc... Well at this point I'm very offended by him and I'm letting her know my feelings and then she breaks up with me telling me that I'm too jealous etc etc.. I start walking back home and she stays behind to call someone. Well 5 minutes later she runs to me and apologizes and is like well I just talked to him and asked him to stop doing this and he just pretty much said something along the lines that he won't stop etc and that she was shocked because she really thought they were friends...

 

A bit later on I discover another interesting thing about her. She has a guy friend who texts her every night "good night", "sweet dreams", "nightey" at like 1-2 am in the morning and she texts him back the same thing... After everything that has happened I don't feel very comfortable with this and I bring this up to her attention. Well her explanation is pretty much that he is a good friend and this is just something they have been doing for a long time now and that its like a habit. Well I ask her if she could stop doing that and instead just talk to her friend during the day because it just doesn't seem right to text another guy sweet dreams at 2am in the morning while you are with me. She at first agrees but then the next day calls me and tells me that she can't do that because her friend doesn't really agree and that she doesn't want to choose between me and him... Well at the first place why would her "just a good friend" put her into a situation in which she should have to choose me or his friendship. Why can't they just be friends and talk during the day and go for a coffee or something from time to time? But anyways I tell her that I love her and that I understand that he is a good friend and that for now this won't bother me but I explain to her that if we ever are to live together that just can't happen and she agrees with me...

 

Now at around 2 months into our relationship I find out about this old 50 year old man who's a father of her friend and she tells me that he liked her and that he told her daughter that he would love to go out with her and stuff. And a bit later on I find out that she actually went with this man and his daughter and his young son on a trip and he was pretty much with her all the time and when they were watching movies he was next to her and had his arms around her and stuff and he did admit his feelings to her before the trip and stuff so she knew what she is getting into. Anyways long story short she is still friends with this man and that stuff just creeps me out and I tell her she needs to stop being friends with a man like that and that I don't feel comfortable at all... Anyways she kinda fought with me on this subject for a while but later on she told me she will stop communicating with him etc..

 

Now lets fast forward about 2 months and were dating for a little over 4 months now and she was staying at my place and using my laptop and stuff and accidentally she left her email open and didn't log out and she left for home. Well I was a bit curious to say the least after everything that we have been through so I kinda peeked at her email and to my surprise I find several emails from her X with email title being "baby cakes and kissy faces" the email was blank and some college projects were attached to it, but the email date was after the 20 phone call night and after she promised me to take care of things with him and that nothing inappropriate is going on with him. So at this point I'm pretty angry and so I decide to do a full investigation to see if I can find something else. And of course I do! I find a conversation with the old man after she promised me that she wont talk to him. The conversation itself didnt seem to bad, but he was kinda hinting in the conversation that he is a sugar daddy and there was something about sugar babies and stuff like that. Also I find pictures of her pretty much naked and those pictures were dedicated to her X, but the emails of that date back like 3-4 years before us so I can live with that, but still those emails are saved in a separate folder and the folder was recently updated so she definitely knew those pictures were there...

 

Anyways after all of this I of course am very man and I bring this up to her attention and she breaks up with me and later on gets back together with me and tells me that she will change and stuff like that wont happen again and so on and so forth. Well currently my trust is kinda crushed with her and she tells me she is willing to work with me and rebuild my trust over time, but then when I ask her to show my phone and stuff she kinda gets upset and when I question things she gets upset as well. And finally today she was texting with some guy and I asked well where did this guy come from. She told me that he accidentally called her and she then texted to him whats up? Well I asked if I could see her phone and the call was missing. She told me that the call doesn't get saved when she declines the call... Well I'm somewhat of a tech guru and I can definitely tell that she is lying... So I call her phone from my phone and decline the call with her phone and of course the call shows up in missed calls. And later on she admits she lied to me... SO I'm like if you are lying about little things like this constantly then what else are you lying about. And why would you lye about something so little anyways...

 

Here is some more background info about her.. She was very secretive from the get go. She used to say like if I went through her phone and stuff we would break up. Well that has changed a bit as she has become more open but she does some weird stuff like she always deletes her text messages and her call history and her facebook messages... It's just weird...

 

Anyways breaking up is of course the easy route, but the problem is I really love this girl. Like I truly truly love her. I was in a long 6 year relationship before her and I definitely know that what I'm feeling with her is true. I can already say that I love this girl more then I loved the girl that I was in a relationship for 6 years. And I can say when we are good and not fighting we are like a match made in heaven. Everything seems smooth and we have a lot of things in common and just in general everything is great! But her shady past and secrecy and lying is just killing us. It doesn't seem like she is willing to regain my trust over time and she wants results right now...

 

Anyways what do you guys think I should do? Has anyone been in something similar? Any advice will help! Thank you! And sorry if its a bit of a long read

 

Oh and last thing I'm 24 she's 21.

[whichwayisup]

1. Guys or girls Would you be okay if your girlfriend/boyfriend had a friend of opposite sex who texted almost every night to each other at 1-2am "good night", "sweet dreams"?

 

That's inappropriate behaviour on her behalf.

 

2. Would you be okay if your significant other had several X's as friends and still talked to them and even hanged out with them?

 

If I met them and there were in our lives abit, sure. And, if my H was over the ex completely them, it's okay. Though I wouldn't be happy if it was a daily thing.

 

3. Now same question as #2 except that she has shared information with you such as with one of the X's she had a threesome in the past. About another X she shares information with you such as that he was very good looking and that he had a six pack. And with another one she is still friends because she just can't get rid of him because he is suicidal over her...

 

He is truly suicidal or is that her way of keeping him in her life? Not good either way. She needs more WOMEN friends!

 

4. Would you be okay if your significant other had a person in their life significantly older then them and talked to them from time to time. Lets say she's 21 and the man is 50. And the man clearly stated that he would like to be with her.

 

Nope, not good at all and you have every right to feel uncomfortable with this. Seeing as you're a guy, you KNOW what guys want and when a guy is interested in a girl and gets turned down, they don't stick around long afterwards nor are they interested in friendship..UNLESS they think eventually they'll get sex out of it.

 

5. And in general would you be okay if your significant other had a bunch of opposite sex friends that pop up from time to time and just ask how is she doing etc etc?

 

This is normal. Though most I know don't keep intouch with ex's..X's are X's for a reason! Atleast in my view that's how I see it.

 

Keeping this simple and short.

 

If she wants you in her life as her boyfriend then she needs to detach and contact her ex's less and less.. Make you more of a priority and get out of habit of texting them all the time, at night etc.. She does seem young/immature though..

 

If you love her and want this to work, then talk to her about how it makes you feel, her so close with her ex's and other guys.

 

To me, it's a red flag. She is flakey and not putting you first in her life..Meaning turning her phone OFF when she's with you!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You are blending two separate situations:

 

 

A woman seems to have the will, ability, and the right to sit idly by and NOT betray her relationship even when she's surrounded by nothing but men wanting into her pants. So she, strange as it may seem, could be entirely innocent (I didn't read your fine print - just the first questions).

 

 

The collection of males who are sniffing around, are only there for one purpose, but in fact they may not have a snowball's chance in hell.

 

 

Were the genders all reversed, then you'd do well to keep your then-GUY from sniffing around elsewhere, because his only reason for doing so would be his interest in banging those women at some point.

 

When it's a woman - she's in charge (of those friendships, and where they might go), and she knows it. So if she's the perfectly faithful type, those 'friendships' will go no where (unsavory).

[Coil]

not worth the games / drama, run for the hills!

[writergal]

First part:

 

1. Guys or girls Would you be okay if your girlfriend/boyfriend had a friend of opposite sex who texted almost every night to each other at 1-2am "good night", "sweet dreams"?

 

2. Would you be okay if your significant other had several X's as friends and still talked to them and even hanged out with them?

 

3. Now same question as #2 except that she has shared information with you such as with one of the X's she had a threesome in the past. About another X she shares information with you such as that he was very good looking and that he had a six pack. And with another one she is still friends because she just can't get rid of him because he is suicidal over her...

 

4. Would you be okay if your significant other had a person in their life significantly older then them and talked to them from time to time. Lets say she's 21 and the man is 50. And the man clearly stated that he would like to be with her.

 

5. And in general would you be okay if your significant other had a bunch of opposite sex friends that pop up from time to time and just ask how is she doing etc etc?

 

Now the long part. Sorry that its a bit long, but if you don't want to read it at least try to answer my first 5 questions.

 

I'm currently dating this girl for 5 months and I love her to death, but our relationship definitely has been problematic and not all that smooth so far. To start things off in the first month of our relationship we were hanging out just walking around at night like 1am in the morning and suddenly her phone started ringing non-stop for about 20 times. She told me that it was her X and that she will deal with it. Of course I wasn't too happy with this little incident and I let her know exactly how I feel and that something like that cannot happen if we are going to date further. She agreed and said she will fix it and that there is absolutely nothing going on between them.

 

Well about a week later I find out that they are still talking with each other via text messages or at least she claims that its only via text messages and that they only ask each other how things are going etc, well I thought that was fine but then on the same day she gets a text message from another guy who is asking her is she naked... Well too me that sort of thing isn't funny at all and very disrespectful because we have been dating for a month and we already had a little incident so I would think she would have no problem with me being upset about that text message. Well she decides to defend him and is all like. He's just a friend and its just for fun and later on I finally get through her and she texts that friend something like don't text me something like that again because my boyfriend finds it disrespectful and he replies to her that I'm boring etc... Well at this point I'm very offended by him and I'm letting her know my feelings and then she breaks up with me telling me that I'm too jealous etc etc.. I start walking back home and she stays behind to call someone. Well 5 minutes later she runs to me and apologizes and is like well I just talked to him and asked him to stop doing this and he just pretty much said something along the lines that he won't stop etc and that she was shocked because she really thought they were friends...

 

A bit later on I discover another interesting thing about her. She has a guy friend who texts her every night "good night", "sweet dreams", "nightey" at like 1-2 am in the morning and she texts him back the same thing... After everything that has happened I don't feel very comfortable with this and I bring this up to her attention. Well her explanation is pretty much that he is a good friend and this is just something they have been doing for a long time now and that its like a habit. Well I ask her if she could stop doing that and instead just talk to her friend during the day because it just doesn't seem right to text another guy sweet dreams at 2am in the morning while you are with me. She at first agrees but then the next day calls me and tells me that she can't do that because her friend doesn't really agree and that she doesn't want to choose between me and him... Well at the first place why would her "just a good friend" put her into a situation in which she should have to choose me or his friendship. Why can't they just be friends and talk during the day and go for a coffee or something from time to time? But anyways I tell her that I love her and that I understand that he is a good friend and that for now this won't bother me but I explain to her that if we ever are to live together that just can't happen and she agrees with me...

 

Now at around 2 months into our relationship I find out about this old 50 year old man who's a father of her friend and she tells me that he liked her and that he told her daughter that he would love to go out with her and stuff. And a bit later on I find out that she actually went with this man and his daughter and his young son on a trip and he was pretty much with her all the time and when they were watching movies he was next to her and had his arms around her and stuff and he did admit his feelings to her before the trip and stuff so she knew what she is getting into. Anyways long story short she is still friends with this man and that stuff just creeps me out and I tell her she needs to stop being friends with a man like that and that I don't feel comfortable at all... Anyways she kinda fought with me on this subject for a while but later on she told me she will stop communicating with him etc..

 

Now lets fast forward about 2 months and were dating for a little over 4 months now and she was staying at my place and using my laptop and stuff and accidentally she left her email open and didn't log out and she left for home. Well I was a bit curious to say the least after everything that we have been through so I kinda peeked at her email and to my surprise I find several emails from her X with email title being "baby cakes and kissy faces" the email was blank and some college projects were attached to it, but the email date was after the 20 phone call night and after she promised me to take care of things with him and that nothing inappropriate is going on with him. So at this point I'm pretty angry and so I decide to do a full investigation to see if I can find something else. And of course I do! I find a conversation with the old man after she promised me that she wont talk to him. The conversation itself didnt seem to bad, but he was kinda hinting in the conversation that he is a sugar daddy and there was something about sugar babies and stuff like that. Also I find pictures of her pretty much naked and those pictures were dedicated to her X, but the emails of that date back like 3-4 years before us so I can live with that, but still those emails are saved in a separate folder and the folder was recently updated so she definitely knew those pictures were there...

 

Anyways after all of this I of course am very man and I bring this up to her attention and she breaks up with me and later on gets back together with me and tells me that she will change and stuff like that wont happen again and so on and so forth. Well currently my trust is kinda crushed with her and she tells me she is willing to work with me and rebuild my trust over time, but then when I ask her to show my phone and stuff she kinda gets upset and when I question things she gets upset as well. And finally today she was texting with some guy and I asked well where did this guy come from. She told me that he accidentally called her and she then texted to him whats up? Well I asked if I could see her phone and the call was missing. She told me that the call doesn't get saved when she declines the call... Well I'm somewhat of a tech guru and I can definitely tell that she is lying... So I call her phone from my phone and decline the call with her phone and of course the call shows up in missed calls. And later on she admits she lied to me... SO I'm like if you are lying about little things like this constantly then what else are you lying about. And why would you lye about something so little anyways...

 

Here is some more background info about her.. She was very secretive from the get go. She used to say like if I went through her phone and stuff we would break up. Well that has changed a bit as she has become more open but she does some weird stuff like she always deletes her text messages and her call history and her facebook messages... It's just weird...

 

Anyways breaking up is of course the easy route, but the problem is I really love this girl. Like I truly truly love her. I was in a long 6 year relationship before her and I definitely know that what I'm feeling with her is true. I can already say that I love this girl more then I loved the girl that I was in a relationship for 6 years. And I can say when we are good and not fighting we are like a match made in heaven. Everything seems smooth and we have a lot of things in common and just in general everything is great! But her shady past and secrecy and lying is just killing us. It doesn't seem like she is willing to regain my trust over time and she wants results right now...

 

Anyways what do you guys think I should do? Has anyone been in something similar? Any advice will help! Thank you! And sorry if its a bit of a long read

 

Oh and last thing I'm 24 she's 21.

 

Speaking as a 40 year old woman, I'd say your girlfriend has terrible, terrible boundaries with her male admirers. The fact that she's flirted with her friend's 50 year old father and went on a trip with him after she learned he had sexual feelings for her is both inappropriate and irresponsible on both their parts.

 

What is it that you love about your 21 girlfriend so much? She constantly lies to you about the men she communicates with and you enable her lying because you allow it to continue with no consequences. She breaks up with you when you confront her for lying to you, then you get back together with her after she runs after you apologizing for lying. She's manipulating you, don't you realize this?

 

There's a difference between sexual chemistry and having things in common. Don't confuse sexual chemistry with real compatibility which involves a lot more than just sex. Have you considered this at all?

 

I've had friends like your girlfriend before. One former friend was from Sweden and although she had a boyfriend back in Sweden she had lots of men calling, texting, emailing her on a regular basis who wanted to sleep with her. They fawned over her all the time, gave her cute nicknames, bought her things, paid for her drinks and food. When her boyfriend (now husband) came to visit her, this didn't deter her male admirers from continuing to stalk her; even when her boyfriend had to tell a few men directly, "back off!" Did she mind the attention from her male stalkers/admirers? She loved it because that's her personality. Although she's married now with a baby she STILL flirts with men (married or single) all the time. It's just who she is and her husband accepts that about her. If you don't like the attention your girlfriend gets from men now, you won't like it a year from now.

 

If you're in love with your 21 year old girlfriend then you have to accept that her behavior is NOT going to change. She will be like this with men...forever. Some women are just natural born flirts with charisma and draw people into them like moths to a flame, burning quite a few relationships as a result. Your girlfriend is the kind of person who constantly needs external validation from others which is a very shallow existence. People who aren't attention seekers have a stronger inner-self-core and don't need complete strangers to fawn after them to validate their existence.

 

You have enough red flags to justify breaking up with your girlfriend to be with someone less dramatic and more stable. Since you're only 24 you have your whole life ahead of you. I wouldn't waste another minute on this 21 year old girl if I were you.

Edited November 26, 2011 by writergal

[betterdeal]

Anyways what do you guys think I should do? Has anyone been in something similar? Any advice will help! Thank you! And sorry if its a bit of a long read

 

writergal gives good advice.

 

I've been involved with similar women and it just drained me. Worst part being they won't let you go easily so if you do decide to end it permanently, you will probably have her begging, pleading, then acting as if she's changed and is "off the market" for good and all sorts of things to tempt you back. She might start to respect what you say to the letter but not in spirit. Once you're back, the cycle will repeat. I do know that if you stay in the cycle it will continue to hurt you and wear you down.

 

It would take a lot of hard work and time for her to change so much. What will she do for fun without all these guys to flirt with? New hobbies, interests, social groups, attitudes, personal boundaries, and self-respect take time to develop, and nothing you have said shows she wants to make such changes, let alone has done anything substantial to change.

 

You've told her how you feel, and yet it continues. I'd leave her, saying that her craving for male attention doesn't work for you, change your phone number, block on Facebook and resist any attempts to get you back.

[writergal]

It would take a lot of hard work and time for her to change so much. What will she do for fun without all these guys to flirt with? New hobbies, interests, social groups, attitudes, personal boundaries, and self-respect take time to develop, and nothing you have said shows she wants to make such changes, let alone has done anything substantial to change.

 

You've told her how you feel, and yet it continues. I'd leave her, saying that her craving for male attention doesn't work for you, change your phone number, block on Facebook and resist any attempts to get you back.

 

Well said, Betterdeal! You offer very sound advice. The poster Sako23 would be wise to follow it.