"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"...out of control "guest"

[renata]

I'm currently planning my wedding for next year, and my bridal party wants to throw me a bachelorette party. They are planning the entire thing, and making all the decisions, including the location (Vegas). All I did was give them a very small list of some additional friends I would like to be invited.

 

I have a work friend, O, who I would never have dreamed would want to come to be bach party due to something else she said: When she first knew I was engaged she flat out told me she better not be invited to the wedding, because they are expensive to go to and couples only invite lots of people in order to get more gifts Every once in awhile when she is making small talk she will ask me how wedding planning is going, or something similar about the wedding. Once she asked me about the bach party and I told her that we are going to Vegas. Apparently this was a mistake and I should have just said that I'm not having one, but what's done is done.

 

Anyways, she comes right out and says "Dude I'm totally going, when is it?!" At that point there wasn't a date or anything yet, and all I said was that my MOH was planning it and I didn't know any details. She gave me her personal email address and told me to give it to my MOH so she could be included in the plans.

 

I never committed to anything, but now every time I see her (maybe once a month or once every couple months) all she can talk about is Vegas. Her interest in going seems to be 1. making her husband jealous 2. getting away from her kids.

 

When all this first happened I hadn't really thought much about my bach party (because it was so far away), so I didn't think much of it. I don't know O very well, so my only thought was "this is slightly annoying, but maybe the more the merrier applies in this situation."

 

However, now that the event is actually being planned and is in the near future, and I've had time to think about it, I really don't want her to come:

1. She doesn't drink (at all), which will make me uncomfortable drinking in front of her, and I think will really segregate her from everyone else....because we will be going to bars.
   
2. She keeps insisting that we go to male strip clubs. I do not want to go to one, nor will I. I know that half the people coming will not go, and the other half probably would if I really wanted to, but they don't care to go either
   
3. She doesn't like hanging out with people that she doesn't know, and she won't talk to anyone she doesn't know. I never knew she was so shy. I think she will do everything she can to separate me from the group.
   
4. She wants me to fly standby with her to my own B party, instead of flying with my friends
   
5. She keeps saying "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" - I don't understand what she thinks we'll be doing, but none of us will be getting raunchy at a strip club, nor will any of us be cheating on our SOs
   
6. The few activities that I know we will be doing she has said she doesn't want to do and keeps telling me that I can't do anything in Vegas except go to male strip clubs
   

 

My MOH doesn't want this girl to come either and has told me that she isn't going to invite her, which is fine with me...the only problem is that I have to work with her, so simply not inviting her isn't really a good solution for me.

 

Any ideas how to handle this?

[Cee]

I suggest you invite her. She's an adult and can take of herself. And you are an adult and can say, "No" to any suggestions of strip clubs.

 

Think of this way. Whose pain is greater? You for having a slightly annoying guest. Or denying a woman a chance to have a vacation away from her family. She will never forgive you and work will become miserable.

 

By the way, it's good she doesn't drink. That guarantees that she won't do something stupid, expensive or embarrassing. I can assure you that your other guests may not behave as well.

 

Have fun in Las Vegas and with any luck, you may appreciate your co-worker more.

[renata]

I'm not arguing, just trying to work this out for myself:

I suggest you invite her. She's an adult and can take of herself. And you are an adult and can say, "No" to any suggestions of strip clubs.

My concern with this is that I do know her well enough to know that she will not go and do anything on her own, but she will be a huge bitch if we do anything that she doesn't want to do. She will be a party pooper.

 

Think of this way. Whose pain is greater? You for having a slightly annoying guest. Or denying a woman a chance to have a vacation away from her family. She will never forgive you and work will become miserable.

This really is my big concern.

 

By the way, it's good she doesn't drink. That guarantees that she won't do something stupid, expensive or embarrassing. I can assure you that your other guests may not behave as well.

None of my friends are big partiers (we're all old enough that we're past that). O's big problem is that the ONLY thing she wants to do is go to strip clubs, while everyone else wants to go to spas, the gun range, ride dune buggies, go ziplining, take a girls only pole dancing class, and probably spend one night going to bars, or at least a late dinner that involves drinks. O doesn't want to spend any money...and she seems to think this is all about her. In her mind this has nothing to do with me celebrating with my friends; it has to do with her and what she wants to do, and she wants a partner in crime, and thinks I should go along with her and ditch everyone else. She will make me miserable with her nagging if she comes and I say no to her...I know that it will not end there, since I've already been telling her no and she keeps insisting.

[Imageiko]

Hopefully you'll only have one bachelorette party where as it's very pretty likely you'll change jobs at some point.

 

Personally I wouldn't invite her as it's very likely you don't have a good time because of her.

 

You're going to have a ****ty situation regardless so better it's at work then on a party for you that's once in a lifetime imo.

[Tayla]

Just from what I gather (sense) I doubt I would invite her. People come and go in the workforce world, and your "life" time memories of this special celebration need not be shaded grey by this self imposing person. Be firm and polite when letting her know you have chosen your bridal party and she is not in it. Using your Bach party as an escape is selfish and rude on her part. Shine some light on this diplomatically and may you enjoy your time with your true friends and loved ones.

[renata]

My preference is definitely to not invite her, I just don't know how to handle it tactfully. She is a very confrontational and difficult person. If she is simply not invited she will not take it as a hint; she will want to know why she was not invited. If I tell her that the guest list/planning/details is all in the MOH's hands she will say "It's your party, you can invite whoever you want", which puts me in the position of having to tell her that I only want my close friends there. Just for the record, I have told this exact thing to a couple of other people who tried to invite themselves, who I like about as much as O - however I don't care if they are offended because I don't have to work with them, and because they are less difficult and clueless than O.

[tman666]

Inviting herself to your even is weird (some would say rude)...

 

Depending on how intertwined your social lives are, you might be able to come up with a little white lie that would leave you out from having to be the bad guy. Obviously, this would only work if you guys aren't facebook friends, don't have any common friends, don't really see each other outside of work, etc. However, if you are the only "point of contact" between her and this trip, you could always just tell her that the "Vegas plans fell through and that new plans for a party are in the mix, but unfortunately you don't know the details because your bridesmaids are going to surprise you."

 

Obviously lying outright to her would require you to be fairly certain that word wouldn't leak out in the near or distant future, and it would require you to be quick on your feet if she starts asking unanticipated questions.

 

The other 2 options are to invite her along or tell her flat out that this party is between you and long time friends, and spin it as more of a "family" time that she'll be disrespecting with her self-invitation.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably just tell her that it's a low key thing between long time buddies... She might be mad, but who gives a ****. You're (presumably) only going to have one bachelorette party in your life.

[denise_xo]

If I were you, I definitely would NOT want that piece of work with me to my b-party. She is totally out of line, and I'd be really worried that she would generally be a pain in the butt.

 

I would just tell her that plans have been changed and you will only be doing something with a few close friends, or something along those lines.

[Taramere]

My preference is definitely to not invite her, I just don't know how to handle it tactfully. She is a very confrontational and difficult person.

 

You can't be direct and say no to somebody like that without some unpleasantness arising. My suggestion is that you put on a metaphorical suit of armour and prepare to do battle on the task of letting her know she isn't invited.

 

Based on what you've said, I would go for something along the lines of "It's a close knit group of friends going who I've known for a long time. There won't be any male strippers or anything like that. My concern is that because you don't know my other friends who might feel left out. Those are situations that can end up causing problems at bachelorette parties. I know you're talking about wanting a girls' weekend away, and perhaps that's something you and I can arrange separately some other time. I think you'd enjoy that a lot more than you'd enjoy my bach party with a bunch of women you don't know."

 

Then, if she's going to be difficult - let her be difficult. Don't apologise of put much effort into "trying to make it right"....or she'll never give up on trying to manipulate you.

[norajane]

O's big problem is that the ONLY thing she wants to do is go to strip clubs, while everyone else wants to go to spas, the gun range, ride dune buggies, go ziplining, take a girls only pole dancing class, and probably spend one night going to bars, or at least a late dinner that involves drinks.

 

Can't you just say that to her?

 

"You keep talking strip clubs, and we will NOT be going to ANY strip clubs. We will be going to spas, the gun range, ziplining, riding dune buggies, pole dancing and drinking. You will be miserable the entire time because you don't want to do anything but strip clubs, which we will absolutely NOT be going to."

 

What can she possibly say to that?

 

You can also ask her if there is another reason she wants to go to Vegas, since you won't be doing anything together while there. Ask her if she's meeting up with another man or something, heh.

[norajane]

Based on what you've said, I would go for something along the lines of "It's a close knit group of friends going who I've known for a long time. There won't be any male strippers or anything like that. My concern is that because you don't know my other friends who might feel left out. Those are situations that can end up causing problems at bachelorette parties. I know you're talking about wanting a girls' weekend away, and perhaps that's something you and I can arrange separately some other time. I think you'd enjoy that a lot more than you'd enjoy my bach party with a bunch of women you don't know."

 

Oh, no, don't make that offer! She will take you up on it!!

[Taramere]

Oh, no, don't make that offer! She will take you up on it!!

 

Well, she did say they were friends as well as colleagues. My impression from that is that renata doesn't mind spending one to one time with this woman...but that she envisages her spoiling a group situation such as a bachelorette party.

 

I suppose it depends on whether Renata is in a position to give the woman that kind of time (and, indeed, wants to on the basis of the friendship se said they had, and whether the woman will respect R's desire not to go to strip clubs).

[renata]

Can't you just say that to her?

 

"You keep talking strip clubs, and we will NOT be going to ANY strip clubs. We will be going to spas, the gun range, ziplining, riding dune buggies, pole dancing and drinking. You will be miserable the entire time because you don't want to do anything but strip clubs, which we will absolutely NOT be going to."

 

What can she possibly say to that?

 

You can also ask her if there is another reason she wants to go to Vegas, since you won't be doing anything together while there. Ask her if she's meeting up with another man or something, heh.

I did tell her that no one wants to go to strip clubs, and that we will not be going - her response was "It's your bachelorette party, you HAVE to go" and then she proceeded to tell me about how she keeps telling her husband that we are going to strip clubs and she tells him that she can't wait to have naked guys grind on her and swing that junk in her face (one of the reasons I think that she is just trying to make her husband jealous). She has also brought up all the raunchy things she tells her husband "we" are going to do in Vegas every single time that I see her. Every time I tell her that we are not going to strip clubs, and her only response is "yes we are".

 

She literally does not take no for an answer, which is why I'm having a hard time with this. I know that if she does come I can just not go, but she will make me miserable in the process.

 

I guess I'm just going to have to do what Taramere and others have said, I just need to work myself up to it first because it's going to be very uncomfortable for me, and there is a very good chance there will be some fall out as a result.

 

I don't mind meeting her for lunch or a movie once every few months, but that's about as far as I ever want to take our "friendship" - her personality is just too abrasive for me to handle over long periods of time.

Edited November 21, 2011 by renata

[denise_xo]

I guess I'm just going to have to do what Taramere and others have said, I just need to work myself up to it first because it's going to be very uncomfortable for me, and there is a very good chance there will be some fall out as a result.

 

Think about it this way: it's some brief discomfort for a long term gain. It doesn't sound like a fall out will be a huge loss, even though working together complicates things.

 

I think you will be so relieved when it's done.

[renata]

Think about it this way: it's some brief discomfort for a long term gain. It doesn't sound like a fall out will be a huge loss, even though working together complicates things.

 

I think you will be so relieved when it's done.

 

I completely agree - this is such a form of stress for me, which makes me even more irritated at her - I shouldn't be stressed out about my bach party, especially since I don't even have to plan it, I just have to show up. I know I'll feel relieved when I don't have to worry about this anymore.

[O'Malley]

Can't you just say that to her?

 

"You keep talking strip clubs, and we will NOT be going to ANY strip clubs. We will be going to spas, the gun range, ziplining, riding dune buggies, pole dancing and drinking. You will be miserable the entire time because you don't want to do anything but strip clubs, which we will absolutely NOT be going to."

 

I'd also mention that the travel/hotel package (whatever line you have to use) has already been booked for a specific amount of guests, and you're on a budget so you can't invite all of your close friends either.

 

You're going to have to let her unpleasantness roll off of your back, but that sounds preferable to becoming her chaperone on your trip, or worse, being blamed later on for whatever she gets herself into.

Edited November 21, 2011 by O'Malley

[freestyle]

Hopefully, you're only going to have one bachelorette party in your entire life--

 

Allowing this woman to ruin it for you by making it all about HER is something that you'll never be able to undo--Don't allow her to taint a once-in-a-lifetime memory for you.

 

She already insulted you by saying that people only invite friends to wedding to "get more gifts"--(how incredibly rude, BTW)

 

If she declined the wedding invitation, then she has no business inviting herself to the bachelorette party. You may have to be blunt, if she's "not taking no for an answer"........

 

(BTW, congratulations!)

[renata]

 

She already insulted you by saying that people only invite friends to wedding to "get more gifts"--(how incredibly rude, BTW)

She's just a rude, blunt, clueless person in general - when I told her that we are having a small wedding (immediate family and very close friends only), and then hosting a cocktail party for our friends and extended family after our honeymoon she actually said "Why, so you can get more gifts?" We are so not asking for gifts that I'm not even having a bridal shower, but she doesn't seem to understand that anyone actually has friends that they would like to host and celebrate with just for the sake of friendship and love.

 

Thanks for all the support and suggestions! They are much needed and appreciated.

[norajane]

You can always just tell her the bachelorette party is for your wedding party ONLY and that's how you want it. Period.

 

You don't actually OWE her an explanation or anything else.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Have your MOH send her an itinerary and feel free to fudge! List all the things you know she won't be interested in as well as an astronomical estimate of the cost. Also, she should let her know that all guests will be pitching in for your day at the spa as well as well as two very fine dinners. Spa prices in Vegas are crazy high! Dinner for four with a tip and a nice bottle of wine was just over a $1000 for us. Just price her out and let your MOH be the bad guy if she doesn't mind.

[renata]

That might actually work really well, and keep me from being the bad guy. O seems to not want to spend any $, and I know she's kind of cheap to begin with.