Vivid_29 Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Hi All - Yesterday, I watched my cousin and her husband get into it. At first, it was kinda funny, listening to them call each other stupid names. And then, her husband said the wrong words to her and suddenly, it got physical. She started beating his a$$ and he just stayed there, curled up in a little ball, looking like a little pu$$y. What was really funny is that, he outweighs her by about 70 lbs and to see this little woman beat his a$$ into the ground! My question is, should he have hit her back? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 He should leave. Nobody, man or woman, should remain in a relationship where s/he is being hit. My ex had been badly abused by his partner. A lot of men get abused by women, and physical strength has nothing to do with it. Nothing would be gained by the two of them getting into a battle because things only escalate. They would battle more and more often. I'd tell him to tell her that the next time she hits him, he's gone and that she better get counselling stat. My dad hit my mom. Once. She told him she would dump his butt if he ever did it again and he never did. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Was he allowing it, or was he being dominated? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 The dynamics of abuse are the same, no matter who the abuser or abused is. The abused feels worthless and powerless and comes to believe that s/he 'deserves' the abuse for some reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivid_29 Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 Originally posted by lost_in_chgo Was he allowing it, or was he being dominated? I think he was allowing it, cause she is a woman. I don't think that she actually hurt him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivid_29 Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme The dynamics of abuse are the same, no matter who the abuser or abused is. The abused feels worthless and powerless and comes to believe that s/he 'deserves' the abuse for some reason. You know, Moimeme - That is weird. I've known women to think that it's all their fault for being abused. Why do you all think like that? Could it be along the same lines as rape victims thinking that it's their fault for being raped? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Vivid Abused children think they 'deserved' it. Of course, the abuser often tells the abused person exactly that, but more than that, there seems to be some quirk of human nature that makes us feel that we 'deserve' whatever bad thing happens to us. Ask the psych experts on the board what that quirk might be. It's not only women, by the way. It's men, too. It's one reason that the trauma of abuse lasts for years. The abused grow to believe they are worthless humans. I have yet to know anyone who has successfully overcome that feeling of worthlessness, which is one reason why abuse is such a horrible crime. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 I don't think that she actually hurt him. ---------------------------------------------------- did you say she wasn't hurting him? then i don't see the big deal. but if she actually hit with the intention of causing physical pain, there's a problem. and no, i dont think men should ever hit back - but getting her under control is OK, even by force. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Come on, people. This is the same ridiculous thinking as 'it's not abuse unless there's blood'. Hitting is hitting. Period. Unacceptable, period. According to Vivid, she was 'beating' the guy, who curled up into a ball. This was no play fight and it DOESN'T MATTER if he ended up with bruises or bleeding or not. Abuse is also refusing to let a person leave a room. It is threatening and intimidating. It is name-calling. It is absolutely NOT dependent upon the abuser's intent or the extent of the injuries. This is the 21st century, right? Link to post Share on other sites
steveb Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Over the last 14 years of knowing my wife, she has hit me maybe 8 times and threw a dish at me once. My response was either to leave the room or bear hug her until she calmed down. 3 weeks ago in the worst point of her emotional affair/wanting space, I hit her for the first time ever. She lied straight to my face and I slapped her across the cheek. She called 911 on two cops were there in 5 minutes. They gave me a warning because I was so calm and she didn't want me to be in trouble. (it is a felony in Michigan to hit a partner) They told us that it is not up to her, but that the county decides if they will prosecute.(sp?) This makes sense, because many battered women will not press charges. I was lucky, I guess. So the point is, he should not hit her back. He should also not be a pussy and get his ass beat. He should either leave temporarily or restrain her. Also if he wants out of the marriage, he is free to call 911 during the fight as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 I guess I'm lucky in that I was never abused as a child nor have I been in an abusive relationship. Honestly though, if a guy hit me....I'd wait till he was asleep....then I'd wake him up holding a big iron skillet....and proceed to beat the hell out of him. (No, dainty...I'm not!) In the case of your cousin beating on her husband....GEEZ! I think, since he is bigger and stronger, he should have held her down with her arms pinned till she settled down. .....wait....that's a fantasy...... Seriously though, he should have taken control of the situation.....especially since there were other people present. If I were the man, I would not let an argument, which turned physical, get out of hand. As far as the person who is "hit" in a fight always being the victim? Not necessarily. I had a friend who caught his wife in bed with another guy in his unit. He proceeded to slap the crap out of her. I believe HE was the victim. I don't promote violence in the home....but reality is reality and people get pissed off and react incorrectly. Doesn't make them monsters....male or female. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivid_29 Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 Originally posted by yes I don't think that she actually hurt him. ---------------------------------------------------- did you say she wasn't hurting him? then i don't see the big deal. but if she actually hit with the intention of causing physical pain, there's a problem. and no, i dont think men should ever hit back - but getting her under control is OK, even by force. -yes Yes, she wasn't hurting him, but her intentions were to hurt him. I agree with gaining control of her, by force, even if it will make her feel a little bit of pain as well as uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonelyheart Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 vivid_29, what would you do in this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 My sister has one of those uncontrollable tempers. She would hit, throw things and even threaten her ex husband with knives. On a few occasions, he would try to hold her back and cause bruises to her wrists. She would then cry to the family claiming that "she" was the one being abused. She would call the cops on her husband and claim she had been bruised while trying to keep her from walking out the door. Of course, we found out the real story much later. I have a girlfriend who treats her husband much the same way. And she is a BIG girl who packs a hefty wallop!! I think its unfair that there is such a double standard when it comes to abuse. I suppose men don't report it as often as women because they are embarrassed. It's not a good idea for a man to hit a woman back (although many might say they deserve it) because it will be the man who is more likely to get into trouble. If I were a man and my female partner were physically abusive, I would leave her...but not before turning her into the cops or having it placed on her permanent record. No one should be allowed to get away with this kind of behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 i think many people overuse the word "abuse". things happen. my mother once poured some a pot of soup on my dad's head in the middle of an argument, and they've been happily married for a quater of a century now. i agree that when it gets to knives and bruises, or it becomes a regular occurence, it's too much, but some people just have a hot temperament, take it or leave it! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivid_29 Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 Originally posted by yes i think many people overuse the word "abuse". things happen. my mother once poured some a pot of soup on my dad's head in the middle of an argument, and they've been happily married for a quater of a century now. -yes Yes - Are you serious? I'm sorry, darling, but I'm over here, trying not to laugh!!! A few years ago, one of my ex's put a cigarette out on my back. I could have murdered her!!! Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 why not laugh? i find it funny too. ouch, a cigarette's gotta hurt. i think that's too much. soup doesn't hurt i guess, it's just annoying to wash it out, lol. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 A cigarette! You know, I am often amazed at how much restraint some men really have. Even without the testosterone, I don't know if I could avoid swinging back simply out of reflex. A man who could sit back and take that is hardly a sissy in my book, rather one incredibly self-controlled human being! Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Come on, people. This is the same ridiculous thinking as 'it's not abuse unless there's blood'. Hitting is hitting. Period. Unacceptable, period. moimeme is absolutely right. Abuse is abuse is abuse. I'm sorry, but when a couple comes to blows it's best to find the exit, fast. No one, and I mean no one, should tolerate an abusive relationship. This tormented couple should put their "dog" of a marriage out of its misery before someone really gets hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivid_29 Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO A cigarette! You know, I am often amazed at how much restraint some men really have. Even without the testosterone, I don't know if I could avoid swinging back simply out of reflex. A man who could sit back and take that is hardly a sissy in my book, rather one incredibly self-controlled human being! Oh, I wasn't that innocent. I was like, WTF are thinking and gave her the silent treatment for about 2 days. Silent treatment - a graceful and effective punishment, far more than physical abuse! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 soup doesn't hurt i guess Shall we assume this 'pot of soup' was not hot off the stove? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 i don't know what temperature it was. i don't think he had to get treated for burns though, so i doubt it was hot. all i'm saying is - things happen. if it's a rare occasion, in the middle of an important argument, it doesn't mean the marriage is doomed. all in all, it's up to the people to decide what they're ready to tolerate and participate in. people overuse "abuse" just like they overuse "sexual harassment". women will complain that putting an arm around their waist is harassment - PLZ, lighten up! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Originally posted by yes ipeople overuse "abuse" just like they overuse "sexual harassment". -yes I totally agree with you Yes! By using either one in every circumstance which didn't go your way.....it minimizes those who truly DO have a viable complaint and a serious problem. I saw a woman in the military turn in some guy for "sexual harassment", when all he did was ask her for a phone number! We all knew him and the whole thing was preposterous! Link to post Share on other sites
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