Picking partners that don't meet my needs.

[MWkid19]

Hi everyone I'm new to the boards and just wanted to say hi. Ok well now to my question. I've had a rough time growing up and I've done my best to come to terms with that and move on and better myself. This for the most part has worked extremely well for me except for my romantic relationships. The last four women that I have chosen to pursue seem to be really unresponsive to me. At first I can tell that they are interested and I try to follow up on that but it turns out that they are seriously emotionally selfish. Tonight I made plans to spend time with a woman that I am interested in and it turned out really bad. The whole time it felt like she was uncomfortable and didn't want to be there. Then we went back to one of her friends house house and hung out and I ended up flirting with her for a bit and she showed interest in me again. Well shortly after that it seemed like every time I wanted to talk to her she was busy talking to someone else. So now I'm like what the hell is going on? So basically I'm really upset at myself right now because I'm tired of picking bad partners for myself. This has been a problem for myself for a while. I know why I do it and have been to counseling for it but I can't seem to develop the skill to pick partners that will meet my needs. If anybody has any advice for me it would be greatly appreciated because I am majorly frustrated with myself right now.

[Reckless]

Hi MW,

 

I don't know how old you are (19?) but it seems that you are putting way to much pressure on yourself and the girls you're seeing. Intensity is good in it's place but a major turn off too early in a relationship. If you have had a difficult childhood you may be approaching the whole girl/boy thing with undue intensity and scaring girls off.

 

Look at the 'failed' date you mention and the terms you use; You say you have 'chosen to pursue' these women, not that you felt a mutual attraction and thought it would be fun to go to a movie or chat in the park with them but 'pursue' them. Okay, in the end, we women like a little pursuit as much as guys like a bit of chase but as a first step, when we're trying to decide if that cute guy is fun to be with or a psycho too heavy is a turn off - it's scary. Look as how much more relaxed you date was at her friends house when the pressure was off and you engaged in a little harmless flirtation.

 

Okay maybe she decided you're not the guy for her but it was only one date, how can you declare the whole thing as well as your relationships skilled pooped?!

 

You have got to lighten up a little on yourself and others. Why not just think about hanging out with a wide variety of people and making more male and female friends - that way you're far more likely to learn to identify qualities that you admire in a people in general and increase your people skills(and by implication 'choosing' skills). If your feeling bitter and/or angry this will communicate itself so maybe take a break from 'relationships' until you feel better about yourself and others.

 

Eventually when you feel 'sparks' for a special someone don't pile on the pressure, play with it for a while. Develop a friendship, practice the art of flirting, keep it light and let things take their natural course. If you are 19 you'd better get used to the game because you may be playing it for some time and you'll end up (more) bruised if you don't.

 

R.

[moimeme]

At first I can tell that they are interested and I try to follow up on that but it turns out that they are seriously emotionally selfish.

 

Are you sure they are interested? Is it possible that you are misunderstanding their behaviour toward you to mean they are interested when perhaps they were just being friendly with the intent of that and that alone?

 

I'm tired of picking bad partners for myself.

 

Have you actually had relationships with these people? Have they been partners or have you just gone out on some dates with some people?

[MWkid19]

Yes I've had relatioships before. It seems that everyone I get into a relationship with or am attracted to is selfish and unstable in some way. I know why I like these kind of women and its frustrating because I don't want that kind of person but it seems like thats always what I'm attracted to.

 

I did take a break from relationships for 6 months now and I've started dating again. I feel good about myself and I generally like people so thats not really the problem. When I wrote this last night I was really upset. It gets frustrating when every person you try to pursue turns out to be selfish and unstable. It gets tiresome. Relationships aren't the problem its what I'm attracted to is the problem.

[Girlie]

MW- if what you are saying is true, then I understand how you feel. For many years I picked men who were the complete opposite of what i needed. I seemed to be attracted to me who really lacked stability, affection, the ability to remain monogamous, etc. It's like I would pick out men who were totally emotionally spent, had no affection to give, and would cheat like crazy and just glom onto them and try to win them over. It took me years to realize why and to move on with my life. I actually went through counseling just on relationship issues and found that it helped alot. Of course, no relationship is perfect. But at least now, I'm not chasing after something that I can't have (ie. men who dont' want monogamy or who aren't affectionate by nature and trying to change them). The only advice I can give to you is to really look at your patterns and give a lot of thought to why you might be doing this. Also, think long and hard about what it is you want in a relationship. And don't give up. If you really want to change your patterns, you can...it just takes some work.

[MWkid19]

Thanks girlie. I know why I do it and thats part of the reason why I've been so irritated all day. I know why I do this, I know that I don't want to choose people like that, but I can't seem to get out of my patterns. I lack the skill to pick people that will be good for me. I've been feeling down a lot too cuz its the holidays and everything and I have to spend time with my enormously disfunctional family.