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Is it wrong to get involved with an ex's freind?


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Hello Everyone,

 

I started 2 threads already and didn't get any responses, Please read and help I'm going crazy.

 

Make a very long story short:

 

4 1/2 yrs ago I met my son's fathers. My son will be 2 next month. I went through hell with this guy for the past 4 yrs. I've been cheated on lied too everyday, emotionally, mentally, and verbally abused for the most part. He was great financially though so I've been able to stay home and raise my son. I've since come to realize this is the reason I stayed so long and put up with soooooo much over time. I always had any material thing I or my son wanted or needed, but never any love, caring, compassion, or loyalty.

 

 

About 1 and 1/2 months ago I finally had enough, some girl called my house to let me know what a a**hole he was and that he's been cheating for a very long time. At that point I lost all feeling for him I just went numb. I said thank you very much and hung up. At that point I realize I had been in denial for a very long time, because I thought I needed him.

 

 

I met the guy my ex had working for him about 3 months ago they were acquaintances with mutual friends and my ex hired him.

He is the sweetest guy I've ever met totally the opposite of my abusive ex. For the first time in years I really feel loved and cherished, like someone truly cares about me. We ended up getting together after I asked my ex to please move out(which he still has not done). We are so in love and I'm happier than I've ever been.

 

To make a situation extremely complicated they work together everyday and hang out outside of work on occasion, my ex knows nothing(Iget the feeling he might have some suspicions but hasn't asked anything). Me and this guy spend alot of time together, he's great with my son and cares about us both immensely..

 

What I need advice on is should we continue to keep it quite? Should he say something? Should I be the one to say something? Am I a horrible person for doing this?

 

One thing I can't do is stop...........

 

Thank you, any advice or input would be very helpful and appreciated.

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That's a tough one, camcutie. What does your friend think about it. Either way, you are not divorced from your husband and whether you like it or not, he will find out eventually and won't be too please to find his friend out with his wife and playing father to his child.

 

Best to speak with your friend so that both of you can discuss all possible consequences and stay together against all odds. If he is afraid that it might threaten his job, then he is probably not the guy for you.

 

Since you've are just starting on with your new life, I would advise you not to make any future plans yet with anyone and concentrate on improving your situation first. Get yourself settle with your son and if you so choose to divorce your husband, proceed ahead but take one step at a time.

 

Good wishes.

 

Desert Wind

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You are doing NOTHING wrong.

What you are doing is maybe getting into a situation that will become a bit complicated.

First of all you need to get your EX out of your life (out of your house). If you bring this new guy on the scene now, it is going to cause a lot tensions at home. You need to finally make that final cut from your EX so that you have that space from him to get on with your life.

 

It you had cheated on your bf with his mate that would be one thing. But you have started a relationship with him AFTER you have split. It is not your fault that the person you have finally found love with happens to be a friend of your EX. You and your EX are FINISHED, that means you are entitled to go out with whoever you please. What you need to be thinking about is how to go about this situation with the least stress for all involved.

 

Get the EX out and then take it from there. You need the help and support of your new bf too, incase your EX has problems with the new situation. Afterall, he is just as involved as you and he should take the brunt of any reaction from your EX.

 

You are doing nothing wrong. We all move around in the same circles and I can name many people who are now with a man, who once belonged to someone else I/they knew.....................

 

Good luck.

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Desert Wind-Thank you for your reply.

I'm sorry I should've included we are not married. So does this change your opinion?

 

Olly - Thank you so much it's makes me feel better to here someone say I'm doing nothing wrong.

 

I guess it's just guilt I feel because I'm assuming it's going to hurt him. Of coarse I've never hurt him, I've always gotten hurt by him. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

 

My new guy isn't afraid of losing his job he assumes it will happen and is expecting it. He is hoping, and so am I, that my ex realizes and should already know he is a very good person.

 

Olly - You mentioned you knew many people who were in this situation, can you tell me how the majority worked out?

 

Thanks again for the replies ;)

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It totally depended on the person and their personality.

 

For most of them they accepted that each person had moved on and needed to move on and that as they weren't together anymore, there was nothing either could say about the situation but had to just accept it.

 

For those with more highly strung personalities there were some mixed feelings of jealousy etc......but as I said above, at the end of the day, it is not the business of the EX anymore and so the EX's in question had to just get on with it.

 

Of course, there were some feelings running high at the time because it is an uncomfortable situation for all involved. But as time went by, the EX's found new partners, the new relationships grew stronger and some are together still and some are not. For those who are not together, they split because of regular reasons, not because this situation posioned their destiny. If you and your new bloke are 'right' for each other, you'll get through it because of the strength of the relationship. You are not doomed to failure.........that's just your guilt again. It's is up to you both how well this new relationship goes.

 

My best mates EX got together with one of our mutual friends. They have been together now nine years and even though my best mate was a bit put out at first, she has a new life now, new relationship, and it's not a problem. As I said, Just be a bit sensitive of the situation and go about this with minimal stress to all of you, and time will sort out the rest.

 

Good luck.

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Olly Thank You very much I feel better today. It's just hard because they work together so in situations like today they are both in my kitchen at the same time and I think to myself how bad it will hurt my ex when he finds out.

 

Still I wonder if it would be better or worse to just sit down and tell him it happened and I'm very happy and after everything he put me through he should understand I deserve to be happy.

 

What's your thoughts on telling him?

 

Thank you.........

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As I said when you decide to tell him you must do so when you feel that the circumstances are right. I don't know howyour EX is likely to react to this, because I do not know him as a person. I do not know if he will be sound about it or if he will freak out.

 

But as I said, you need to make the circumstances as stress free as possible and this means HIM moving out of your house ASAP. I am under the impression that you still live together. If so, he needs to move out. It will cause a lot of stress if you still live under the same roof and is not a good start for your new relationship if you are still all tied up with your EX (of course his contact with the child is not included in this)

 

Then it would be a good idea to tell him. You need to do it when you are both alone and do not have any other engagements so that if you need to talk about it at length, you have the chance to.

 

You must also ensure that you have the support of this new guy so that he is prepared for any negative outcome etc...

 

I think that you intend to continue seeing this other guy and things like this don't stay a secret forever. I think it would be a worse situation if your EX found out from gossip than from you. I think he would feel utterly betrayed and this will only make him angry and maybe make things more difficult for you. He may be angry when you tell him anyway, but it is better to come from you and not workplace gossips. you need to reinforce that you have a new chance of happiness and you cannot lose it. That your relaitonship with himm has not really been working out.

 

To be honest, from what you have said about your EX, he really does not deserve any explainations as to why you are leaving. Blinkin heck, you have been through a lot with him. Grap this second chance while you can and don't feel guilty. Your EX had his chance with you and he screwed up with his shocking behaviour. Gotta think about yourself and your own happiness and the happiness of your child.

 

Good luck. Let me know how it goes.

 

Olly.

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Olly,

Thank you ever so much for your posts. We do still live together, because I made the mistake of trying to keep the peace and told him he didn't have to go "today" but soon.

 

He says he's looking to buy a house, with Christmas coming I can't see him leaving before that. I have asked him to leave several times, it always causes yelling and fighting, so as I said I'm trying to keep the peace for the sake of our son.

 

I know he knows I'm seeing someone, but I don't think he knows for sure who it is, but I think he might have suspicions.

I've been just trying to act very friendly to the new guy in front of my ex, well not really trying because it's hard not to.

 

Thanks again I'.ll. keep you posted.

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Uff

 

Maybe it is better to wait after chritsmas. He really has to go soon though. Make sure he buys that house.

As you think he knows you're seeing someone, this may make it easier when you eventually tell him......you will have to tell him at some point, y'know. :-)

 

Good luck and let me know how it goes............

 

Olly.

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