is/was something going on between us and should i persue it?

[dorothea]

well it's the oh-so-known student fell for her tutor theme (or is it me reading too much about this stuff )

me - the student. over aged student who came to uni to redo some courses for my degree (never mind what kind).

him - my lecturer. 8-10 years older (thats for you not to suggest i have daddy issues).

 

problem: he was flirting. actually i initiated the flirting but he responded positively. lots lots of eye contact (until i felt something's wrong with me or i did something wrong - thats before i figured he is into it) some out of the blue remarks from his side and childish games he played and suggestions he had made that stayed inside class-materials area but were made in a very enthusiastic way. also body language signs he was into me (i know its fishy and cant be trusted but anyway im pointing).

want to say, i initiated but he had many opportunities to reject me, to back off, to put lines and he didn't. moreover, he came up with some games of his own.

 

semester over, i got invitation from him to some event he took part in. i got there: nothing happened. some polite small talk, again lots of eye contact. i felt he was feeling obliged to stay and speak to me, as if he wanted to go away but didn't want to hurt my feelings. so i acted polite, thanked him for everything and allowed him to go to his businesses. on the other hand he was the one who made the invitation so he expected to see me there, i guess.

 

2 months later:

i made contact through email, with the excuse of professional advise. he replied, not so detailed but not so briefly also. asked me to acquaint him with my progress.

 

this week: found out he's married. never mentioned wife in class, no ring, even when had the chance to say something about private life he never used 'we' or 'ours', only 'me' and 'mine'.

 

just wondering (obsessively): whats the guy's problem? i know people are flirting and it's not necessarily means they want something to happen but man i really crossed the lines with my hints, i even emailed him while being on his class that i really relate to him (keeping it ambiguous, intentionally) and he react to that, though nobody forced him to. i couldnt tell back then if he was getting nervous because of me or getting thrilled. anyway it was later that he invited me, voluntarily, to this event.

 

my feeling is that he wants something and doesn't want and that's the way it has been since it all started. maybe he's been flattered by my attention. maybe he's been feeling awkward to reject me firmly. i just don't know.

 

important: im in a relationship too. maybe im just projecting my own wishes.

 

can you guys give me advise? do i see things clearly and what i should do about it?

[thehead]

He's married. You're in a relationship? Don't be a homewrecker. Back off.

[Leumas]

Maybe he was flattered by your flirtations and did have a couple moments or thoughts of doing the "wrong" thing. However, you shouldn't read too much into it. Actions speak louder than words and it doesn't seem like he's pushing the matter.

 

As previous poster said move on and don't mess with other people's relationships.

 

P.S. Quit wasting your bf's time if he's not what you are looking for.

Edited August 10, 2011 by Leumas

[dorothea]

let's assume you are a teacher and your ex-student is asking you for professional advise. if you want to help her with minimum efforts you just say something like 'hey it's sounds like a good/bad idea to me, consider this and that, good luck'. if you want to be very helpfull you may suggest to meet her when she's around. it's also legitimate to say you don't really know her and you need more info in order to give an advice, but you are busy right now. but if you say yes you are very talented you might do this well, i believe you have made a real progress professionally during this second round studies, it was your abilities not mine instruction, and update me what's going on, you are probably aiming for something else or you don't know what you're doing. either you want to be a saint or a real Guru or a talents-cultivator and want to help everyone with a potential, or you want to keep an option.

 

same with the event - what reason had he to invite me there? ha made invitations for 2 different events, from which only 1 i went to finally (didn't meet other students from my class, so it wasn't this kind of invitation). is this an action or a word from his part?

because i tend to assume people do things with a reason i'm trying to figure what made him do this, and i'm talking nuances, not just the "want to sex me" VS trying to boost hos ego.

i'm reading into it cause i want him. he is a good person so i can have him as a professional guider and a friend or helpful acquaintance as well as something else (maybe). but it won't happen because of his efforts, cause he makes no efforts: i'm the one who needs to make any of these options real. that's why i need to know what to do next - should i keep him as my adviser as long as he accepts this part, should i walk on my toes cause he might fear of my seductive attempts from past experience, should i include the option that something might happen between us?

[Severely Unamused]

If you really want to find out, I suggest that you keep communications with him open, and slowly see where they lead.

 

Also...

 

P.S. Quit wasting your bf's time if he's not what you are looking for.

What a shame if he does decide to cheat on his wife with you (presumably they aren't in an open relationship, ditto for you). Doesn't seem like you care though. So there ya go.

 

And no offence meant, dorothea, but I'm getting a bit of a stalker vibe from you. Mostly because of the obsessive over analysis. Maybe you should get some counseling (no sarcasm).

Edited August 10, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Leumas]

What the hell is it in some people that makes them think they can steal away someone else's partner?

 

Is it selfishness? Entitlement?

 

I have never had even an inkling to do this. Even if someone I found attractive was giving me signals, if they were with another person I simply wouldn't take them seriously. IN FACT I WOULD LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR THEM!!!

 

Dorothea why the hell would you be interested in someone who would disrespect his wife like that? Do you think he would treat you differently? If he would do something like that to her is he really a quality man or a scum bag? You are setting yourself up for failure if you go any further.

 

The fact that you are thinking all this stuff while you yourself have a bf makes me lose respect for you.

 

Grow up!

Edited August 10, 2011 by Leumas

[Severely Unamused]

What the hell is it in some people that makes them think they can steal away someone else's partner?

 

Is it selfishness? Entitlement?

 

I have never had even an inkling to do this. Even if someone I found attractive was giving me signals, if they were with another person I simply wouldn't take them seriously. IN FACT I WOULD LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR THEM!!!

 

Dorothea why the hell would you be interested in someone who would disrespect his wife like that? Do you think he would treat you differently? If he would do something like that to her is he really a quality man or a scum bag? You are setting yourself up for failure if you go any further.

 

The fact that you are thinking all this stuff while you yourself have a bf makes me lose respect for you.

 

Grow up!

 

My theory was that she has issues. I seriously meant it. It's just the way that she looks so deeply into all of her tutor's small gestures. I know other women that have the same attitude. Low-self esteem. Neglectful or abusive childhood. Drug and alchohol abuse. Poor history in previous relationships. Ect.

 

No point lecturing her though. She doesn't care.

 

Dorothea, if you want to see where things will go, keep lines open with him.

Edited August 10, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[dorothea]

ok first nobody was stolen or taken. an even if something happens his free sure is involved too: he is not an apple or a handbag.

 

anyway thanx for enlighten me this side of the story. keeping lines open means possibility to loosing him as a guidance or something of the sort, but maybe i don't have any choice.

 

and true, i have issues. no drugs and alcohol abuse thanks god but issues. went to therapy for 5 years, so that's me improved. guess there's nothing else to do about it.

 

also the over analyzing thing - it's permanent, i over analyze my job and career, my friends, my personal world, everything. so no stalking patterns, unless im stalking my whole life.