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My mom "hates" my boyfriend


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peaceandlove12

Here is the background info

 

I am 17 like my boyfriend and I went to private school all my life I was also raised in a middle class area.. (this is relevant to the whole story).

 

My boyfriend went to public schools and lives in a lesser class area and has a accent (carribbean)

 

My mom always tells me that he is not right for me and says I can do better. She likes to say " you went to private school all your life to end up with someone like him!?" When I first started talking to him I didn't think it would get to where it is today.. I really really like him now obviously because he is my boyfriend.

 

My problem is that I let the things she says get to me. Every time I ask him to come over she never just says yes instead she always makes it difficult for me. My dad is actually the one who is more understanding about the whole situation. My mother is just the one who is very picky and I am at the point where I would say ignorant now..

 

She has never had a proper conversation with him.. and was turned off right away about the way he spoke and carried himself the first time she met him.. Is it not normal for someone to be nervous the first time they meet your girlfriends mother and terribly wrong to judge someone like that? I always said its not about where you are from but where you are going.. Where you are raised has nothing to do with it right? You can't help where you are raised.. You also can't help who you have feelings for.

 

I am really upset right now because of course I asked if he could come and she hit the roof she started saying very hurtful things like " why did you let it get this far" , " its not my fault that you let it get this far with that ghetto boy".. and so on.

 

She also started saying that he is not going to be coming here on the weekends when school starts and you are going to focus on school. Of course that hurt me inside because I like him a lot and hearing that made me feel like that would happen..

 

It now seems like her anger towards me is triggered by my boyfriend. When ever we argue about something else she says yea well go to your ghetto boyfriend etc.

 

I ran upstairs and started crying on my bed.. She always says hurtful things like that. I get really hurt every time. I have even thought of breaking it just to see how she would react..

 

I think if she really loves me she should accept my decision to date this guy.. I am young and should be having fun.. but she does not allow me to..

 

I just need good advice on this.. and if anyone else has experienced this in the way I have..

 

Thanks

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samsungxoxo

Been there before so it's no news to me. My mother was like that for 4 entire years.... yeah that's a huge amount of time it took for finally to get this sorted out.

Now we're just friends but the reasons has nothing to do with her, it just wasn't working out.

Seriously, I think as parents they should realized they were our ages once and quit bringing the same topic. Ok let's say I were to now date a loser, my mother would keep rubbing it in my face for 24 hrs a day. But it's my problem now because I'm 24 years old, she has nothing to say at this point.

 

Even if he's indeed not the right boyfriend, why does a mother have to keep reminding a daughter a thousand times. As if that's going to solve the problem enough to say ''Yes you're right, I'm gonna dump him tomorrow, thanks a lot mom''. LOL

 

If I had a child and didn't like the bf or gf, I would only tell them once my opinion and the why but leave it at that, no need to bring this up everyday.

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Forever Learning
Been there before so it's no news to me. My mother was like that for 4 entire years.... yeah that's a huge amount of time it took for finally to get this sorted out.

Now we're just friends but the reasons has nothing to do with her, it just wasn't working out.

Seriously, I think as parents they should realized they were our ages once and quit bringing the same topic. Ok let's say I were to now date a loser, my mother would keep rubbing it in my face for 24 hrs a day. But it's my problem now because I'm 24 years old, she has nothing to say at this point.

 

Even if he's indeed not the right boyfriend, why does a mother have to keep reminding a daughter a thousand times. As if that's going to solve the problem enough to say ''Yes you're right, I'm gonna dump him tomorrow, thanks a lot mom''. LOL

 

If I had a child and didn't like the bf or gf, I would only tell them once my opinion and the why but leave it at that, no need to bring this up everyday.

 

Yes overkill negativity and micromanagement are both control mechanisms used by people who tend to feel out of control in their own lives.

 

Nagging is not typically an effective communication tool, counterproductive at best, alienating at worst.

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SincereOnlineGuy

Peaceandlove12:

 

For your own continued sanity, you really should envision how this appears from your mom's vantage point.

 

(by the way, let me first say that given as much as you've said, there are no reasons why you shouldn't continue to date your boyfriend)

 

 

Nowthen, you're a mom, you have a daughter... you know how much (time, we're gonna say... because the word 'effort' seems like it might cloud the point) ... time you've put in nurturing that daughter for years and years, first telling her not to put her hand on the hot burner, and not to let the dog lick her plate, and to wash her hands after playing in the dirt, etc.

 

ALL of that in answer to instincts she had about wanting you to evolve to be the best individual you could be.

 

AT SOME POINT there were definitely gonna be boys... but on the way there, a parent's mind doesn't know exactly which individual will be first to burst onto the scene.

 

You need to at least remind yourself that SOMEbody was going to have to be first to step out of the vast realm of uncertainty, and become the first individual. Peoples' minds play similar tricks on them all the time. I've seen a button/sticker that says: "Everybody is white on the internet". Of course we all know that isn't true, but when you sit online, interacting with people you have never seen, your mind envisions whatever it wants to envision. Then, in some small ways, you are "surprised" no matter which appearance is matched to that random being you sensed online.

 

IF your mother truly is an elitist, and feels herself totally above your boyfriend (for reasons only related to race and/or economic level), she SHOULD STILL allow you to date him. She would have far more chance of your splitting up within a year or two when letting you date him, than she would if instead she plants a deep resentment within you that could see you dating him for a long while in part just to get back at her.

 

Your mom showing you these examples of her feeling she is 'better' than your boyfriend (if only for reasons of race/economic means) are going right against conventional wisdom.

 

IF on the other hand your mom's perceptions about your boyfriend are NOT based wholly on race/means, then you probably need to get yourself away from him based in large part on your mother's deeper instincts.

 

Have you even addressed in unbiased fashion the chance that he is a bad egg?

 

At any rate, your mom is being abusive toward you, and she just isn't following common sense. (too much patience is required of those going the common sensical route)

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I'm going thru the same kind of thing.... I met this guy last christmas. There is something very special and unique with the two of us. We both fell head over heels. Of course and not to my surprise, my mother hated him! Anytime I'm extreamly happy she gives me Hell. We split up about two montha ago for various reasons and weve recently gotten back together and i having to keep it on the down low to save an argument. I am 23 and i had planned on staying with my parents until I graduate from nursing school but I really just don't know how much more I can handle this. My car was given to me in 2006 but is still in my mothers name and she always threatens to take my keys like I'm a teenager. She thinks that everything I do is still her business and it is driving me absolutely crazy. She tries to listen in on my calls, follow me when I go somewhere, and ask questions that are none of her business and demands me to answer them. I'd would just leave and get a job and get away from here but I'm in school to better myself until May and there is just no way I think I could work enough hours to pay for everything, still go to clinicals, and pass all my tests. I just don't know what to do anymore... I am in need of some advice! Somebody please help!

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