A story and some questions.

[Hakuryu]

So I just break up with my girlfriend today, strangely I feel calm but empty. Perhaps because of the reason why we break up.

 

I'm 19, been cheated on in the past, so I'm cautious in relationships.

She's 16, also been cheated on in the past, so she know how hurt it felt.

 

Before she start liking me, she have a huge crush on this guy. She told me sometime later it's because he fit the description of her "dream guy". He's tall, white, have that country boy feel. From speculations and words of mouths though, I heard that he's the type that only go out with girls for sex. When she asked him out, he blew her off, so they stopped talking.

 

Then there was me. She started liking me when we went to a dance, the very next day she told me she like me. Well, being the cautious person that I am, I accept her feelings, but doesn't respond to it. I want to see if she get that from spur of the moment or what. A couple week or so later she got me to admit that I like her and we started dating and eventually fall in love. Things were going very well, until about a month and a half later she asked me if we will have a future together. I said I want to, but I don't want to promise anything (because who know what happen in years later? >.>). Well apparently that upset her. So that day she text that guy that she have a crush on, and came to realize that she still like him. She became very confused and hated herself for feeling so, but say she can't help it. We got that resolve for the moment, but things came up again. On her birthday she ask me if she could hang out with him the next day, and I said yes. I don't want to be a bf that control everything she does, and I know that it just make her sad if I say no. I trust her, and know that she wouldn't ever cheat on me. But it just feel uncomfortable to have her hang out with a guy she like as more than friend. Is it already wrong for her to have crush on this guy while with me? Even though she said she try to not like him, I don't think she can put the feeling away if they keep talking and hanging out. To me that just seem like she want to reinforce the feeling.

 

This morning after we talk some, we decided that we need to break up, so she can figure things out without feeling guilty of being in a relationship. I really love her and I believe she really love me, she just can't help having feeling for that guy. I already told her what I would do in her situation, I would stop contacting that person, letting the feelings end as simply crush. But it just seem like she want him as friend so bad. Like she was okay with it when one of her closest friend got mad at her and she almost lost that friend. She said she didn't even care. Yet it's so hard for her to give this guy up?

 

So here is some questions:

 

1. Is it normal to have crush or attracted to someone else while you're in love/relationship with another person?

2. Even if it is normal, is it okay to go hang out with the person you have a crush on, leaving yourself susceptible to fall for them?

 

I am going into the AF in less than 2 months, at the beginning of the relationship I've already told her that, and she say she'll be okay with it. But the closer it get to the date, it's getting more and more emotional, she cry when she think of the fact that I'll be gone for a while, but she told me she'll still wait and be faithful. At first I'm skeptical about it, because she's young and still in high school after all.

 

So is it right for me to expect or even ask her to wait?

 

She asked me after she figure things out, and if she still love me, would I take her back? Should I?

 

My logic say it's best to just stay apart, because she can live her high school life, and don't have to deal with the pain of me not being around. On top of that, her dad already hate me because I'm 19 and Asian. I tried to meet him but he would never want to. He wouldn't even try to at least know me.

 

Yet my heart want to take her back, her life is sad because of her family talk down to her, telling her she is worthless. I want to be there and lift her up when she fall and make her have confident in herself. I really love her, and it so hard to let her go...

 

So guys, what should I choose? My logic or my heart?

 

P.S: Sorry for the long passages, I'll end my rant now.

[creighton0123]

1. It is normal to have slight physical/romantic crushes on someone you're not dating.

2. If you have the personal resolve to be friends with this person, it is acceptable to socialize with them as long as, if asked, you're honest with your partner.

3. It is alright for you to ask her to wait. It is NOT alright to expect her to wait. With you being in the Air Force (and at yours and her age), I can tell you that a long distance relationship is an inevitable impossibility.

 

I would be EXTREMELY careful with her. You're 19 and she's 16. If her family wants to hurt her, they may be able to do so by hurting you. She is a minor. You are not. They could ruin you and your military career.

 

I would say that you should move on. You're very young, still, and there's plenty of life to experience. One your tour is over, both of you may be in a better position to pursue a relationship.