What is wrong with me?

[sedgwick]

I was just dealt a couple of pretty crushing blows on the relationship front yesterday, and I need help understanding.

 

After not having a single date or being flirted with in any way for the last four years (my last boyfriend dumped me four years ago, I'm still madly in love with him, but have had no contact in all that time except for one phone call from him a year after he left me; I hung up on him), I decided I'd give the OKCupid thing a try. Well, there's this feature they have called "your best face," where you can see which of your pictures is best. Little did I know that the way they determine this is by showing your picture to 100 people and having them vote between you and somebody else. THEN they show you every person and how they voted.

 

I'm a belly dancer, and I put up a couple of my best dance photos, and when I looked at the results -- NOBODY, not one person in 100, had chosen me over the alternative. When I looked my very best, people would choose pictures of trees, dogs and kooshballs over me. Of course I immediately deleted my profile, but not before sending a message to someone I thought was cute and getting no response.

 

Then, last night, a cute guy I met on Facebook who recently moved to my city finally texted me. I'd asked if he wanted to hang out when he moved here three months ago, but he was evasive. I gave up and deleted him from my friends, but I had given him my number. So anyway, I got a text, I was excited to finally meet him, and then he told me about his girlfriend. Yes, that's right, the one he's already found in three months of living here.

 

Knowing that someone would literally rather date a dog than me -- and not just someone, 100 someones -- is breaking my heart. As for what I look like, I have short dyed-red hair, lots of tattoos (good ones, not awful Tasmanian Devils or anything like that), and I'm a size 12 to 14. Big eyes, big lips, big smile, big laugh. I get it that not everybody is into punk women, but I guess I thought maybe SOMEBODY was. I just turned 40 but am regularly told I look 25. (No wrinkles at all, and if I have gray hair, I don't know about it.) I do yoga, I dance, I'm a published author and teacher. I travel around the country with a speaker's bureau doing mental health activism and talking to kids about bullying and suicide prevention. I went to school for fine arts and creative writing, have two BAs and an MFA. I hear constantly how inspiring I am and how important my work is, and on the outside I think I appear to be really confident. But on the inside I'm terribly lonely and have absolutely no self-confidence, except when it comes to artistic and intellectual achievements.

 

So I guess I'm just wondering -- what's wrong with me? Can anybody offer any advice? At this point I've almost completely isolated myself except when I have speaking gigs or dance classes, because I don't want to bother other people with my hideousness. 90% of the time I'm alone in my apartment. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with a life of celibacy and loneliness, so suggestions are welcome.

Edited July 5, 2011 by sedgwick

[Eddie Edirol]

A size 14 isnt bad, but it depends on how tall you are. Since guys with choices are very visual first, youve put yourself in quite a tiny niche with the punk tattood look. I can only assume that you hang in places that everyone has the punk look, when you go out? What about making friends with women who are more your crowd? You dont have to be celibate and alone all the time, you can make some good friends and hang with them. If you want an accurate assessment of what people think you look like, it would help if you relisted your OKC profile and put up the link....

[sedgwick]

Eddie, I don't go out anymore. I gave up on that after my ex left me; I'm very isolated now. Most days I only leave my apartment to go to dance class or the store. I write for a living, so I can do that from home. And I'm 5'7". Not putting my profile up again; I don't want to be rejected anymore.

 

I do have very close female friends. I'm lucky in that way. When I socialize with them now, it's because they come over here. Some are tattooed, some aren't.

[Eddie Edirol]

Eddie, I don't go out anymore. I gave up on that after my ex left me; I'm very isolated now. Most days I only leave my apartment to go to dance class or the store. I write for a living, so I can do that from home. And I'm 5'7". Not putting my profile up again; I don't want to be rejected anymore.

 

I do have very close female friends. I'm lucky in that way. When I socialize with them now, it's because they come over here. Some are tattooed, some aren't.

 

yeah but Sedge, I looked up your threads, and your ex broke it off with you almost 4 years ago. How much longer are you going to keep yourself inside, when you know thats not what you really want? Do you have really patient friends that will all come to see you at your house when you want? Do you go out with them for their benefit at all? Youre almost 40 now, you have to start getting out now while you still look younger than your age, before you dont have the choice. Dont take your good genetics for granted.

 

BTW I looked up models that are 5'7" at size 12-14, and if you have the curves in the right places, you should look pretty sweet.

[sedgwick]

yeah but Sedge, I looked up your threads, and your ex broke it off with you almost 4 years ago. How much longer are you going to keep yourself inside, when you know thats not what you really want? Do you have really patient friends that will all come to see you at your house when you want? Do you go out with them for their benefit at all? Youre almost 40 now, you have to start getting out now while you still look younger than your age, before you dont have the choice. Dont take your good genetics for granted.

 

BTW I looked up models that are 5'7" at size 12-14, and if you have the curves in the right places, you should look pretty sweet.

 

My friends know not to ask me to go out. They quit asking a long time ago. I turned 40 two months ago; next week is exactly four years since my ex left. His leaving destroyed my ability to trust new people and any faith I ever had in my desirability. Really, I consider my life to be divided into Before Joe and After Joe. I'm not the same person anymore. If I were worth anything, he'd want me. All I do now is just try to be the kind of person that he could have been proud of, by giving as much as I can to the world and working every day to save kids' lives. I don't dare want anything for myself; I've seen that that only leads to disappointment. What I really want to know is just how to live with the crushing loneliness.

[Eddie Edirol]

Youre whole life is defined by Joe? Well, you dont have to do anything to live with crushing lonliness. Not alot of people here strive to be alone. You have already adapted to living alone and isolated, so in that case, youre already on the right track.

 

But living in the shadow of someone who wasnt interested enough in you to keep the relationship going isnt a way to live. At some point, you will have to stop dedicating your life to him, say "F*** joe" and live life for you only, doing things that YOU would be proud of. You think the YOU of 6 years ago would be proud of the woman who dropped her whole social bieng for a guy? You dont think youre worth more than that? Youre a successful writer for god sakes!

 

BTW youve been on this board alot longer than I have, you should already know that theres nothing but tips to arm yourself with to tell who you can trust and not trust. Lotta good info on here.

[Forever Learning]

Eddie gave you excellent advice, I couldn't top that. But I am also wondering if you are suffering from depression. Have you considered anti-depressants along with therapy? If money is an issue, you know many anti-depressants are fairly cheap now and sold at the bigger pharmacies (Walmart, Target, H.E.B.) for $ 4 for a month supply. And there are free support groups everywhere for everything under the sun.

 

The way you describe yourself, I can't imagine how you couldn't find someone to go out with. Try other online dating sites and give it time. Don't let this one bad experience with the 'judge the picture' thing get you down. The way you describe yourself, there has got to be many men out there who would think you are a groovy lady, inside and out!

 

That is not b.s., it's the truth.

 

So much of it really comes down to your attitude.

 

And you have got to work on getting past your ex. Keep reading around here, there is so much to offer here. Good luck!

[sedgwick]

Thanks all. Yes, I see a therapist, have a great psychiatrist, and take antidepressants. Mental health activism and education is my job. I'm just very, very lonely.

 

I did just find out that my book reading tomorrow night is a critics' pick in New York Magazine, so that's kind of cool. It's something I've wanted all my life, but I'm flipped out because Facebook guy is coming and I'm terrified he'll be repulsed by how fat and ugly I am. Ugh.

Edited July 6, 2011 by sedgwick

[HeavenOrHell]

The OP's size is irrelevant, why focus on her height and size?!

Sedgewick your size is normal, it's really not an issue.

I agree you've been hung up on your ex for far too long, what keeps you stuck in love with him?

If you tell yourself you're 'fat and ugly' when you meet this fb guy or when you meet anyone else then you won't come across as you want to, you won't feel confident and able to be yourself.

You sound an amazing person and have so much going for you, you have a hell of a lot to give.

 

 

yeah but Sedge, I looked up your threads, and your ex broke it off with you almost 4 years ago. How much longer are you going to keep yourself inside, when you know thats not what you really want? Do you have really patient friends that will all come to see you at your house when you want? Do you go out with them for their benefit at all? Youre almost 40 now, you have to start getting out now while you still look younger than your age, before you dont have the choice. Dont take your good genetics for granted.

 

BTW I looked up models that are 5'7" at size 12-14, and if you have the curves in the right places, you should look pretty sweet.

[skydiveaddict]

I'm flipped out because Facebook guy is coming and I'm terrified he'll be repulsed by how fat and ugly I am. Ugh.

 

 

You can change your self image, if you really want to. It can take a lot of hard work and sweat but you can do it. I can't say how "facebook guy" will perceive you, it's beyond your control. But you can change yourself. If you're not happy with your appearance, change it. You can start tomorrow. It just depends on how serious you are about it.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well done on the critics' pick!

 

I find punks attractive (I'm a punk myself), I think a lot of people do find punky women attractive, ie http://suicidegirls.com/

 

You sound a really amazing person, just a shame I'm in the UK otherwise we could meet up

 

Thanks all. Yes, I see a therapist, have a great psychiatrist, and take antidepressants. Mental health activism and education is my job. I'm just very, very lonely.

 

I did just find out that my book reading tomorrow night is a critics' pick in New York Magazine, so that's kind of cool. It's something I've wanted all my life, but I'm flipped out because Facebook guy is coming and I'm terrified he'll be repulsed by how fat and ugly I am. Ugh.

[mickleb]

Hi Sedg.

 

Sorry to hear you've had a few bad days.

 

May I ask: What does 'punk' mean to you?

 

x

[sedgwick]

May I ask: What does 'punk' mean to you?

 

A treatise on the meaning of "punk" doesn't serve the topic of discussion, but in the context of this post, it means "person with tattoos, piercings and bright red hair."

[mickleb]

A treatise on the meaning of "punk" doesn't serve the topic of discussion, but in the context of this post, it means "person with tattoos, piercings and bright red hair."

 

I disagree. You used the term, describing yourself as a 'punk woman'. We all communicate via our choice of dress and I'm wondering what you are wishing to communicate. If it would help you for me to rephrase, I can.

 

Why do you get tattoos and piercings, and dye your hair bright red? What image do you intend to project to others?

 

x

[Ellamay]

 

So I guess I'm just wondering -- what's wrong with me? Can anybody offer any advice? At this point I've almost completely isolated myself except when I have speaking gigs or dance classes, because I don't want to bother other people with my hideousness. 90% of the time I'm alone in my apartment. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with a life of celibacy and loneliness, so suggestions are welcome.

 

 

NOTHING is wrong with you! my goodness you are SO hard on yourself. Have you tried plentyoffish? thats where I met my boyfriend and he absolutely ADORES me! I am a size 14 and im only 5"4. I have junk in all the right places if u know what i mean, and i dont have any problem finding dates at all. Its not the world who thinks this way of you, its you who thinks this way of yourself, maybe you just need to give it time and let the right man find you.

[Ellamay]

You can change your self image, if you really want to. It can take a lot of hard work and sweat but you can do it. I can't say how "facebook guy" will perceive you, it's beyond your control. But you can change yourself. If you're not happy with your appearance, change it. You can start tomorrow. It just depends on how serious you are about it.

 

 

I agree that a new look can work wonders for your self image. Completely change your image and maybe you can start to feel better about yourself.

[Airborne]

As for what I look like, I have short dyed-red hair, lots of tattoos (good ones, not awful Tasmanian Devils or anything like that), and I'm a size 12 to 14. Big eyes, big lips, big smile, big laugh. I get it that not everybody is into punk women, but I guess I thought maybe SOMEBODY was.

Grow that hair out. I don't know a single guy who prefers short hair over long.

 

Can't comment further unless you post a picture.

[Heart On]

NOTHING is wrong with you! my goodness you are SO hard on yourself. Have you tried plentyoffish? thats where I met my boyfriend and he absolutely ADORES me! I am a size 14 and im only 5"4. I have junk in all the right places if u know what i mean, and i dont have any problem finding dates at all. Its not the world who thinks this way of you, its you who thinks this way of yourself, maybe you just need to give it time and let the right man find you.

 

Here! here! I found my guy on PlentyofFish.com too!

I'm blonde,47,5'7" and a 14 too and he wouldn't have me any other way.

My guy is 5 years younger than me and it works for me!

We have been happily living together for the past 2 years.

But there was a time,when I thought after seeing thier profiles and then meeting them in public....all men lie and almost gave up on dating altogether.

 

In walked my sexy,sweet,loving,helpful,caring man.

 

 

I wonder if maybe going for younger men might not help your plight.

I doubt there are many 40+ men who

are into 'Punk Chicks' with bright red hair,tats and piercings.

 

Go the Cougar route!

 

Not to mention,stop allowing "joe" to define you.

Who the hell is HE anyways? An X of 4 years ago!

You need to shut OFF those negative tapes as they are

what turn off men! Confidence is SEXY!

 

I was rejected and did alot of rejecting while on-line dating.

I also found a lot of men just looking for sex.

I may have been horny as hell after a year separation/divorce

but I didn't settle! Nor should you!

 

Just don't let them make you feel as though something is wrong with you.

Don't take thier lack of interest personally.We all have preferances and standards.Get OUT more!

 

Do something that brings you in closer proximity to men!

 

Belly dancing is great....but.

 

And join Plentyoffish...you never know!

 

I doubt it's your appearance that get's you rejected

so much as your lack of confidence and insecurities~!

 

But,if it is in part due to your appearance....(punk at 40?)

maybe you could try dying your hair to a reasonable color for a little while and seeing if that attracts men to you that you find attractive.

 

Would you date a man with Bright Red hair?

[sedgwick]

Would you date a man with Bright Red hair?

 

Of course I would! I'd far rather have a guy with bright red hair and tattoos than a boring brown-haired guy in a suit. And I can't very well remove all my tattoos; they're there to stay. I want them, I don't regret them.

Edited July 8, 2011 by sedgwick

[mickleb]

Of course I would! I'd far rather have a guy with bright red hair and tattoos than a boring brown-haired guy in a suit. And I can't very well remove all my tattoos; they're there to stay. I want them, I don't regret them.

 

Yes, I knew your response to that question the moment I saw it!

 

But do you have a response for me?

 

x

[sedgwick]

Yes, I knew your response to that question the moment I saw it!

 

But do you have a response for me?

 

x

 

Honestly, your question is something I got paid to write a book about, and it takes that much space to fully answer. I really don't want to rehash it all on an internet forum. Sounds like you already know all my answers to everything anyway!

[mickleb]

Honestly, your question is something I got paid to write a book about, and it takes that much space to fully answer. I really don't want to rehash it all on an internet forum. Sounds like you already know all my answers to everything anyway!

 

Oh crikey, Sedg! Not all of them! I can't, for the life of me, understand why you would be bothered by the opinions of 100 average punters on OkCupid. Maybe the opinions of 100 average punters on here http://www.punkpassions.com/ but not OkCupid!

 

If fact, you appear to be such a supporter of individualism that I am surprised you are bothered by the opinions of anyone that you don't know and respect.

 

x