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Newly Wed Wife Avoiding Intimacy


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[Newly Wed Wife Avoiding Intimacy

I have the following issue:

I married last month. I am from India and it was arranged marriage but my wife and I met a few times before our parents and we decided to say yes

We had had sex only twice in a month (with protection).

She has the following attributes:

  • sleeps early
  • takes sleeping pills
  • Reluctant at intimacy, when i tried last time, became angry
  • avoids sex
  • avoids hugs
  • avoids kisses
  • always angry
  • cold and distant
  • always argues
  • seems more happy when talking to her office friends
  • challenges me that you do whatever you want i wont change
  • I feel neglected , i have told her. her response : i dont care , i am a difficult person
  • says her freedom is taken away , earlier she could do whatever she liked, could come back home late, could be with friends , now she cant do any of these things
  • when i told her “whats my fault?” she replied i dont care you should have thought about that before marrying me!
  • seems to be pushing me away
  • I asked her bluntly if she wishes to continue the relationship and she said she does
  • she is helping me in daily chores
  • isnt avoiding totally

I am very frustrated. Shouldn’t the newly wedded wife be intimate with her husband instead of avoiding sex? She says she need more time to settle in my home which is new to her. What should I do? [/sIZE]Please advice.

 

Thanks

Edited by wallacemia
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Forever Learning

I am 100% sure your wife has a bad attitude that is going to cause you misery and problems for as long as you stay with her. She may also be a drug addict, addicted to sleeping pills.

 

What terrible news, right? I am so sorry to have to tell you this.

 

I only speak from experience. That is all any of us can speak from, our experiences.

 

I am 42 years old and divorcing a man I have been married to for 15 years. The entire 15 years of marriage was a miserable disaster, and I do mean, the entire 15 years. He had a bad attitude. He was also a drug addict (marijuana, so he could 'relax') and alcoholism (again, to relax and get to sleep). He too, had very little interest in sex.

 

I would not wish this misery on anyone. Staying in the situation for 15 years will likely be the biggest regret of my life. The misery of it all, mostly his utter rejection of me and his hostile, rude, angry attitude - was just soul crushing.

 

I stayed in the marriage for many stupid reasons. I wanted children. I wanted to change him. I didn't believe in divorce. I had made a 'promise to God' when I married him, to 'death do us part'. I didn't want to feel the embarassment of divorce in front of my parents and extended family. I also had low self esteem and co-dependency issues (try to change him, rather than change myself).

 

I sought the help of many outside people for guidance. I read many self help books. I went to marriage counseling. For 2 years. Alone. He would not go with me.

 

It turns out, my husband could not be changed. He has a personality disorder (Narcississtic Personality Disorder, and Anger Issues). He will likely go to his grave as an angry, hateful person. It is simply, who he is.

 

Therefore I would advise you that you may first want to try marriage counseling, and if that does not improve the situation, then please divorce this woman. You simple deserve to be married to someone you can enjoy life with. Not an unhappy, bitter person who you are not happy being married to. Life is simply too short for this type of unhappy situation. Due to the culture of arranged marriages, you may feel guilt and shame in seeking a divorce. Please get counseling for yourself to help you through these feelings so you may free yourself of this person and move on in life.

 

You will know better for next time, when YOU (not your parents) choose a wife for yourself. From this experience you will be more able to choose someone that you can get to know well before hand, so you will be more likely to have a happy fulfilling life with. You will get to know them well first, before you marry again. That is the key, - knowing a person well before you marry them.

 

God bless you and all the best to you.

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She didn't want to be forced into an arranged marriage from the sound of it. She wants to be independant and to be able to make her own life choices... now she is shackled.

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Afishwithabike

This is different from the typical marriage problem post you see on LoveShack. As I understand it (I have Indian friends), it would be seen as a great shame if the marriage didn't work out so at least try to make it work.

 

Because she was more or less told to marry you since you both had an arranged marriage, it's understandable that she's not ready to fully be intimate with you.

 

She doesn't feel any desire for you because you're a stranger to her regardless of whether your horoscopes and family backgrounds matched. Most women need to be very comfortable with their partner before they can really enjoy the intimacies of a married relationship. Not only are you a stranger to her, but she must not be very familiar with men and sex in general, right? Since you both had an arranged marriage, I'm guessing that you two haven't had romantic relationships with people of the opposite sex. It's going to be difficult for someone who was expected to be virginal and a "good girl" to suddenly become sexual. Women can't switch on and off like that.

 

Give her time. Try to "date" her, court her, woo her. Take things slowly. Become friends. Ask her about her fears, joys, what she likes, dislikes, etc. Do things for her that she enjoys and not because you expect some sexual favor in return. If you two are truly compatible then love may come in time (or it may not). Take her to the movies. Take her to restaurants. Talk to her about her interests. Do it without having an agenda. When you have an emotional intimacy with her then the romantic stuff can follow.

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Wall, the behavior you describe -- verbally abusive, always angry, fear of intimacy, blaming every misfortune on you, pushing you away, and refusal to rationally discuss problems -- are some of the traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Yet, you have only known her for a month, the marriage was prearranged, and you can't know if such traits are persistent and strong. Moreover, you have no reason yet to believe that she is emotionally unstable, which is a hallmark of BPD traits. It therefore is far from clear that she has strong BPD traits.

 

I therefore suggest you read about the nine BPD traits so you will be able to spot the red flags if they continue to occur. On this forum, I wrote a description of such traits in GreenEyedRebel's thread. My four posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. If you have any questions about that discussion, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to online resources that can. Take care, Wall.

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Eddie Edirol

You cannot expect a woman to be intimate with you without courting her first. You have to get her to really like you if you want her to be loyal and devoted to you. Regardless how your traditions are, you cannot expect it. She isnt a traditional woman, and she doesnt really want the marriage, she just doesnt want to be estranged from her family. So you have to court her slowly, and dont expect anything from her, you have to earn her heart. Might want to keep your distance for a while.

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Welcome to LS :)

 

My first thought was 'annulment' but that is likely inappropriate in your case, due to cultural norms.

 

Is it possible to receive guidance from an experienced cultural elder in this matter? This would be like a 'marriage counselor' but someone conversant in the nuances of your cultural traditions, especially surrounding arranged marriages.

 

How old are you and she?

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She didn't want to be forced into an arranged marriage from the sound of it. She wants to be independant and to be able to make her own life choices... now she is shackled.

 

But i had asked her many times if she is being pressurized into this marriage and she said no.

 

But now when she talks to her parents she tells them that they have kicked her out.

 

what am i to do ?

 

whats my fault?

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This is different from the typical marriage problem post you see on LoveShack. As I understand it (I have Indian friends), it would be seen as a great shame if the marriage didn't work out so at least try to make it work.

 

Because she was more or less told to marry you since you both had an arranged marriage, it's understandable that she's not ready to fully be intimate with you.

 

She doesn't feel any desire for you because you're a stranger to her regardless of whether your horoscopes and family backgrounds matched. Most women need to be very comfortable with their partner before they can really enjoy the intimacies of a married relationship. Not only are you a stranger to her, but she must not be very familiar with men and sex in general, right? Since you both had an arranged marriage, I'm guessing that you two haven't had romantic relationships with people of the opposite sex. It's going to be difficult for someone who was expected to be virginal and a "good girl" to suddenly become sexual. Women can't switch on and off like that.

 

Give her time. Try to "date" her, court her, woo her. Take things slowly. Become friends. Ask her about her fears, joys, what she likes, dislikes, etc. Do things for her that she enjoys and not because you expect some sexual favor in return. If you two are truly compatible then love may come in time (or it may not). Take her to the movies. Take her to restaurants. Talk to her about her interests. Do it without having an agenda. When you have an emotional intimacy with her then the romantic stuff can follow.

 

 

She is a working professional city dweller and not a village type girl. I haven't had a relationship before. I am not sure about her. She has make friends from office and she is occasional drinker too. (i am a teetotaler). I am trying hard to woo her. Though i think why I should be doing this.

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Wall, the behavior you describe -- verbally abusive, always angry, fear of intimacy, blaming every misfortune on you, pushing you away, and refusal to rationally discuss problems -- are some of the traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Yet, you have only known her for a month, the marriage was prearranged, and you can't know if such traits are persistent and strong. Moreover, you have no reason yet to believe that she is emotionally unstable, which is a hallmark of BPD traits. It therefore is far from clear that she has strong BPD traits.

 

I therefore suggest you read about the nine BPD traits so you will be able to spot the red flags if they continue to occur. On this forum, I wrote a description of such traits in GreenEyedRebel's thread. My four posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. If you have any questions about that discussion, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to online resources that can. Take care, Wall.

 

Hi downtown. She is not verbally abusive towards me. She makes breakfast for me and helps my mother in serving dinner. Marriage was not "pre-arranged" per se because i came to know her through matrimonial ad that I placed in the newspaper. We met twice before our parents met us. She told me she was a difficult person to be with but I didnt care.

 

Yes I dont know if such traits are strong or present. One more thing: Last week i tried to be intimate with her. She threw stuff on the floor and said "you want to do it, lets do it" by pushing me. Of course I didnt proceed further but i was shocked!

 

From then on, I havent touched her. By the way, she hugged me on my birthday and bought a gift for me (but even then it was like i-want-to-get-over-with-this-thing).

 

I am super confused and sometimes feel like asking her to leave my house for ever.

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Welcome to LS :)

 

My first thought was 'annulment' but that is likely inappropriate in your case, due to cultural norms.

 

Is it possible to receive guidance from an experienced cultural elder in this matter? This would be like a 'marriage counselor' but someone conversant in the nuances of your cultural traditions, especially surrounding arranged marriages.

 

How old are you and she?

 

Hi carhill,

 

I am thinking of talking to her parents but first I want to rule out if she is having an affair and wish to enquire about her. I am arranging for this in next few days and then i will have a clearer picture. If it is found that she isnt having any relationship outside marriage, then I will think about something. But I think her parents must be knowing if she has any medical condition. I checked her medicines and she isn't carrying any psychiatric-prescribed drug. Another thing is that my parents are not aware of whats happening between us, they think we are enjoying our married life. But of course I am not.

 

She is 32 and I am 37.

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She didn't want to be forced into an arranged marriage from the sound of it. She wants to be independant and to be able to make her own life choices... now she is shackled.

 

So what should i do?

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You cannot expect a woman to be intimate with you without courting her first. You have to get her to really like you if you want her to be loyal and devoted to you. Regardless how your traditions are, you cannot expect it. She isnt a traditional woman, and she doesnt really want the marriage, she just doesnt want to be estranged from her family. So you have to court her slowly, and dont expect anything from her, you have to earn her heart. Might want to keep your distance for a while.

 

You are absolutely right! She doesn't want to be estranged from her parents. But why did she meet me twice and say yes to marriage? (she says she HAD to listen to people and agree for marriage). I am so shocked! Suddenly I feel like a rejected commodity that is sold at a discount in stores. I am a human being for God's sake!

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How does the cultural perception of female infidelity match up with your wife's apparent psychology? IOW, if your culture, as an example, would ostracize her for an affair, would her fear of that be a sufficient motivation to remain faithful to your M? I only mention this because you apparently wish to analyze her fidelity first, something which had not occurred to me to do.

 

Since your culture involves families in the fabric of the couple's M and you and she are of an advanced age (not young), I could envision the families working together with a respected elder and yourselves to navigate the specifics of 'courting her slowly' and 'earning her heart'; worthy and noble paths. What's your opinion?

 

What kind of timeline can you envision for progress here? Would a year be too short? Too long? IMO, it's good to have a timeline, along with meaningful milestones. Leaving everything open-ended invites a free-for-all. We've seen many free-for-all threads on LS. Epic ones. Search the sexless marriage threads and GIGS threads for evidence. Good luck :)

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How does the cultural perception of female infidelity match up with your wife's apparent psychology? IOW, if your culture, as an example, would ostracize her for an affair, would her fear of that be a sufficient motivation to remain faithful to your M? I only mention this because you apparently wish to analyze her fidelity first, something which had not occurred to me to do.

 

Since your culture involves families in the fabric of the couple's M and you and she are of an advanced age (not young), I could envision the families working together with a respected elder and yourselves to navigate the specifics of 'courting her slowly' and 'earning her heart'; worthy and noble paths. What's your opinion?

 

What kind of timeline can you envision for progress here? Would a year be too short? Too long? IMO, it's good to have a timeline, along with meaningful milestones. Leaving everything open-ended invites a free-for-all. We've seen many free-for-all threads on LS. Epic ones. Search the sexless marriage threads and GIGS threads for evidence. Good luck :)

 

I just want to be sure that she is not having an affair and avoiding me because of that. Also, I will come to know about her personality/character very soon as I am going to hire an agency. Infidelity is frowned upon in Indian culture. I also want to be know if her parents got her married thinking that she would 'change' after marriage and saw in me a guy who will be able to do so (not to boast but I am a vegetarian, teetotaler, soft-speaking, tolerant person who hasn't fought with anyone and wish well for others).

 

You are right about the elders advising me about courting her. Actually, she went to her parents's house last week and her mother called me to say that if I come to stay in their house for a night, that would create a positive image in her mind. So I did that. She told me not to tell her that her mother called.

 

I could tell from the face of her mum that she was hiding something/something was bothering her about her daughter. I have this intuition that they are definitely hiding something from me.

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Perhaps your wife wanted a love marriage and had someone in mind and was afraid to defy her family. That's one potential of many. Time will reveal the truths.

 

IMO, keep your eyes and mind open, along with lines of communication in all directions. Assuming this is each of yours first marriage, you both should have sufficient maturity to give it a good shot. If you're both willing, you stand an excellent chance of a positive outcome.

 

In the milieu, try to achieve one positive action each day. It doesn't have to be earth-changing. Eat the elephant one bite at a time, so to speak.

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Perhaps your wife wanted a love marriage and had someone in mind and was afraid to defy her family. That's one potential of many. Time will reveal the truths.

 

IMO, keep your eyes and mind open, along with lines of communication in all directions. Assuming this is each of yours first marriage, you both should have sufficient maturity to give it a good shot. If you're both willing, you stand an excellent chance of a positive outcome.

 

In the milieu, try to achieve one positive action each day. It doesn't have to be earth-changing. Eat the elephant one bite at a time, so to speak.

 

Carhill,

 

I don't know what to say. I was feeling low but after reading your advice I am back on my feet again!

 

Yes it is my first marriage. I gave up my prime years to get a doctorate degree from a foreign university and went back to India to be with my parents and to work.

 

I want to make sure if this is my wife's first marriage too. I couldn't make out after wedding if she was virgin (i haven't been in any relationship before, though i had my chances, i wanted to save all this for my wife-to-be, so that's why this situation hurts me more)

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It appears you have the outline of a plan, so execute it and give it time to flow. Even under the best of circumstances, there will be setbacks. This is what you've waited for so IMO don't let it go easily.

 

The one aspect I've noted from my own life path, in my younger years not much different (regarding marriage) than yourself, is that, once one 'let's it go', it can become a habit or, if not habitual, much easier to effect. One knows the process, both pros and cons, and there's little fear of it, so it's 'easier'. I've seen evidence of this dynamic since my own divorce, something I never would have envisioned at your age.

 

Hope it works out :)

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Eddie Edirol
You are absolutely right! She doesn't want to be estranged from her parents. But why did she meet me twice and say yes to marriage? (she says she HAD to listen to people and agree for marriage). I am so shocked! Suddenly I feel like a rejected commodity that is sold at a discount in stores. I am a human being for God's sake!

 

Why did she meet you twice and say yes? Because shes 32. She wants to find love and take her time and her parents want her to be married and give them grandchildren. But you cant try to woo her, if she sees you trying too hard, it will be a turn off to her. So you might want to try showing her that you dont need her, back off a lil bit, and do little things that are thoughtful. When you first date someone, you cant give them so much effort. You have to take it easy and give her a tiny bit at a time. Dont wear your heart on your sleeve, and realize that you wont get sex for quite a while, so forget about that.

 

In this instance, I cant tell if she could be having an affair or not, that would anger her family, so that might not be the case... you never know though. Unless she is going places that you dont know about, or you think she is seing someone while she is out "with her friends" but anything you do now will repel her. Make yourself less available, more busy, take up a new hobby, something to keep you busy and out of her face, just so she knows you will not need her company.

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Forever Learning

I must say there is alot of wonderful thoughtful advice here for you!

 

I was thinking about your situation and a similar situation with a female cousin I have. She too waited until she was in her 30's to be married, having pursued higher education and working long hours in the medical field up until she met a man with a similar history and decided to marry.

 

When she married, it seemed to me she did so only because she thought she had to do so, to please her family and move out of their house. Not because she genuinely loved or wanted the man she married.

 

After several years of unhappy marriage she divorced and moved back in with her family.

 

She is now in her 40's, and some relatives wonder if she is gay, although she has never said she was gay. If she were gay, my cousin would NEVER reveal it. She simply would never want to upset her family with this type revelation. I feel in my heart she would rather live out her life single, than upset her family with that kind of information.

 

I don't know if any of that applies to your situation. But it does seem your wife is unhappy and difficult to live with, which is disappointing to you and makes you unhappy. You deserve to be happy, so does she. Unfortunately, I learned from my marriage, some people are never happy. They simply thrive on negativity and unhappiness.

 

It seems to me the path to your happiness in the future is honest communication between you both, to find out what is going on, and to discover if it is worth your time to try to work on the issues in your marriage or to move on with a divorce and finding another spouse.

 

My main message would be from my experience - don't stay in a marriage that is unhappy and not working. Life is too short!

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Forever Learning

When you mentioned that you could tell by her Mum's face that they are hiding something, a bell went off in my head. It could very well be that she has a prior boyfriend that her family disapproved of, and she is angry about having to be forced into marriage with you. I am sure her family thinks you are the very best possible prospect for their daughter, since you have a doctorate degree, high earning potential, and are a soft spoken thoughtful individual (not a rebel / trouble maker).

 

I think it is an excellent idea that you came up with to hire an agency to get more information about her and track her movements to see if she is hiding something. Also consider a keystroke recorder on her computer and cell phone call tracker to get information. Also GPS on her car to learn her whereabouts. This is not a permanent solution; honest communication is a permanent solution. However you sense she and her mother have not been honest and are hiding something. Your intuition is probably right. What they are hiding is unclear and you can only do your best to figure it out with whatever means necessary.

 

I can tell you in my 15 year marriage, I was lied to constantly, but I didn't know, I had no way of proving or knowing, the technology was not as evolved in the 1990's as it is now. After years of going insane (the term is actually called "Gaslighting" - coined from an old movie with a similar name - when someone lies to you, just for the fun of lying to you) I went to Radio Shack and bought a voice recorder that plugged into our telephone jack at home (this was before widespread cell phone - people had 'beepers' and 'pagers' and 'land lines' not cell phones).

 

I plugged the recorder into the phone jack under the bed and recorded conversations my husband was having for weeks. I learned he lied to me over and over about the smallest and most inconsequential things. For no real reason, other than to aggravate and annoy me.

 

Ultimately for him, the reason can best be explained in that he simply is not a nice person. Some people are born that way or become that way early in life. They hide it well in the beginning of a relationship, I had no idea the full extent of his dysfunction for years. He also has a personality disorder and addiction problems. His family LOVED him being in a relationship with me, I was responsible, a good earner/worker, and trustworthy, not a trouble maker. I also got him off their hands. I didn't know any of this at the time.

 

Anyway, so this is why I fully support using technology and all means available to figure out why she is acting this way. Especially if her mother also gives you a bad vibe that something is being hidden from you. I didn't always trust my intuition, which prolonged my suffering. All the best to you.

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Afishwithabike

It doesn't matter that she's not a village girl. You ONLY met her TWICE before you got married. I think you may be pushing her too hard to be romantic and she's feeling angry at your attempts.

 

Think about it from her perspective. She has to live with her inlaws. She has to have sex with her new husband she only met twice. You two really don't know each other. She's probably not attracted to you. Maybe the sexual attraction will come in time if you tried to woo and date her. Maybe her telling you that she's difficult to live with was an attempt to get you to not marry her. Maybe before she got married, she had an innocent crush on someone else.

 

I didn't think she's currently having an affair from what you've stated so far. Don't jump to conclusions. You might end up creating bigger problems for yourself by insinuating to others, especially your family, that she's cheating on you. Cheating is bad in the USA, but in your conservative Indian culture I would think it's even worse, and even worse for a daughter-in-law in a respectable family. Work on the obvious conclusion - that there's no emotional intimacy between you two. You can create it with time and effort. You two also need time alone, privately, doing fun stuff together away from your parents and hers. Do you have opportunities to go to films, parks, walks, etc.?

 

You say she's difficult and hard to live with. Ok, but we're only hearing your side of the story. There are two sides to every story. I'm sure she would have things to say about you. You complain about her, but what about you? Have you looked at your actions carefully? Maybe the strange expression you think you saw on her mother's face is because the daughter told her how things are between you both. It may not be some big nefarious secret at all.

Edited by Afishwithabike
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Afishwithabike
She is a working professional city dweller and not a village type girl. I haven't had a relationship before. I am not sure about her. She has make friends from office and she is occasional drinker too. (i am a teetotaler). I am trying hard to woo her. Though i think why I should be doing this.

 

Just because you're a nice fellow with a Ph.D from a Western university doesn't mean that she's going to fall in love with you. From what you've written so far, I think you think you're a catch and in your culture, you probably are. You have paper qualifications and excellent as those are, you and she still need to build a strong marital bond. You definitely don't have a bond right now so why not make the effort to build it. If it doesn't happen then at least you can say you tried and it didn't work.

 

How exactly are you trying to woo her?

What do you say to her?

What does she say when you make these attempts?

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[Newly Wed Wife Avoiding Intimacy

I have the following issue:

I married last month. I am from India and it was arranged marriage but my wife and I met a few times before our parents and we decided to say yes

We had had sex only twice in a month (with protection).

She has the following attributes:

  • sleeps early
  • takes sleeping pills
  • Reluctant at intimacy, when i tried last time, became angry
  • avoids sex
  • avoids hugs
  • avoids kisses
  • always angry
  • cold and distant
  • always argues
  • seems more happy when talking to her office friends
  • challenges me that you do whatever you want i wont change
  • I feel neglected , i have told her. her response : i dont care , i am a difficult person
  • says her freedom is taken away , earlier she could do whatever she liked, could come back home late, could be with friends , now she cant do any of these things
  • when i told her “whats my fault?” she replied i dont care you should have thought about that before marrying me!
  • seems to be pushing me away
  • I asked her bluntly if she wishes to continue the relationship and she said she does
  • she is helping me in daily chores
  • isnt avoiding totally

I am very frustrated. Shouldn’t the newly wedded wife be intimate with her husband instead of avoiding sex? She says she need more time to settle in my home which is new to her. What should I do? [/sIZE]Please advice.

 

Thanks

 

My wife and I belong to Mumbai (Bombay) so we are city dwellers/

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