iriedawta Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Hi. Thanks for your time. This is a one off from my original post called "smitten @ 18; heartbroken @ 43". Looking back on my relationship I have to say I have been emotionally abused. Most of me feels very sad (that things didn't work out. He was never into me), angry (I have given him All of of my heart and pampered him w/o appreciation from him), I feel guilty (that's what I get for ignoring the red flags), and confusion (I guess being a doormat ). I feel defeated. A verysmall part of me feels relieved that She will have to deal with his unemployed, unmotivated a**. I have to take public speaking classes, so that I can stand up to him...he has a way with words and that is what had originally attracted me to him...funny how I can't stand that about him now. So now I know I need to have LC, I would prefer NC but we have children. I am nervous when I think about him dropping by unannounced to my house. He says he is stopping by to see the kids but he never really took an interest in them, he is there to judge my character/anger and see if he can woo me back. My concern is: 1. Should I do LC with a statement of "Do not stop by w/o calling or have the children meet you somewhere else." A friend said if he violated my orders that I should threaten him by dialing 911 or take court actions for stalking. Or 2. Should I act like I'm accepting of his new rel. and wish him the best. I read that if you act like you don't care and act happy, that would put make him 2nd guess his decision to leave me And I will eventually Feel happy because I'm acting happy...? Can one or both of these scenarios help me overcome emotional abuse? Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 1. For structure and security of your kids, it's important that you arrange a schedule with them - otherwise they will feel like everything is unorganized and confusing. If you have court documents dictating visitation times and he doesn't stick with them, you have every right to have the courts make him stick with them or lose partial custody/visitation. 2. Even though you have this hostility, you should recognize that his other relationships are his own business. I would say simply be apathetic. You're not his friend or his lover anymore. What concern is it to you what he is doing with his life as long as it doesn't impact your kids? The only thing that can help you overcome emotional abuse is self-confidence enough to not let him affect you emotionally. Part of that requires you building around you a network of security, support, and structure for you and your children. I would seriously consider taking legal steps to ensure your ability to gain full or partial custody of the kids. It is vitally important that they feel comfortable and at home without a sense of having one or both parents mismanaging them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iriedawta Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Our kids are 22y, 19y, 17y & 15y and they all live with me. I do not prevent him at all from seeing the kids. He just doesn't make the effort on his end and honestly, our kids have been used to not seeing him anyway. So I don't really have to involve the courts. If he stops by, it was mainly too see if I was weak enough to have sex. Even now, right at this moment, I would give in to him. That is why I posted those 2 options for dealing with him - as a way to stand up to him and to move on because it boils down to seriously working on Me. As I write this, I see that he and I use the children (in conversation) as a way to visit or to avoid each other. This is stooping to his level and this gives me all the more reason that I must move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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