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poll: who should come first? friends or your mate?


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Girlinterrupted

Well your mate should come first but don't ever forget your friends or push them aside because they where there first and will be there in the end too.

 

If your mate loves you he/she will not make you choose, nor would a true friend. A mate does require more time and attetention though a freind should always understand that too.

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Why not mix the two? That's basically what I did in my situation, but if they couldn't be mixed, it would be about half and half, but the thing is, all my buddies had girls too, so there would rarely be a "bros before hos" thing, it was never really necessary. I'd never dump plans for either one for the other.

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Things change depending on the stage of the relationship. A good, committed relationship requires that your mate be priority 1 (and that means long before marriage). Friends will eventually shift their priorities to their partners and their families, as they should. If you count on them to put you above that, you'll be disappointed.

 

We don't always understand how life will change us until it does. I remember telling a friend in the grade-school yard during recess that I would NEVER stop skipping, I loved it so much :)

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A good, committed relationship requires that your mate be priority 1 (and that means long before marriage). Friends will eventually shift their priorities to their partners and their families, as they should.

 

I find it interesting that women tend to hold this viewpoint.

Men do not.

 

My close friends NEVER put me second behind any woman they are seeing...whether it be weeks or years deep. I certainly don't expect all of their time...but I never have to worry that, all else being equal, the woman would get preference over me.

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I've yet to meet one who defies it.

 

I don't know if it is coincidental or related, but it also seems that women, in general, have a harder time developing trusted and reliable friendships with other women. I do not see the same level of difficulty amongst men....not even close. Perhaps it is more typical of the age group I am usually around (18-30 or so), but it still speaks of SOME discrepancy between the genders.

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HokeyReligions

Family should come first -- if you are married then you make some type of vow to that person and that vow usualy includes something alluding to putting them first. "first" doesn't mean "only".

 

I don't have a problem with my husband seeing his friends and I appreciate that he lets me know in advance or will call and tell me when he gets somewhere just so I don't worry about him. Ditto with me. but if a friend is in trouble and my husband is in trouble then he comes first. Our friends understand that - they put their families first too. It usually happens this way over time once people are married, and especially after they have kids. then the kids come first.

 

If he, or I, had put others first, or even on an equal basis (very stressful) then the marriage would not have lasted. Even with my mother, who lives with us, I have to make sure that my husband knows he comes before her. THAT is not very easy at all - mom and I are close and I will be devastated when she passes on. I don't want mom to think I'm not concerned about her or place less value on her either - but she raised me to know that whenever I got married my husband would come first. It has not lessened our love for each other or made either of us feel as though I was leaving her out of my lifes decisions. Took a lot of work to achieve that balance.

 

When people are dating it is different - there is no formal commitment to each other - the boundaries are not always as clearly defined, although couples can, and I think should, have discussions that cover priorities, commitment, and where friends and family come into play.

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I've yet to meet one who defies it.

 

I've met many.

 

I don't know if it is coincidental or related, but it also seems that women, in general, have a harder time developing trusted and reliable friendships with other women.

 

I would actually have said exactly the opposite! Certainly that is not my experience, nor has it been since grade school. I am still friends with a couple of grade-school pals, in fact. Through husbands, boyfriends, etc., we have been in each other's lives.

 

I do not see the same level of difficulty amongst men....not even close. Perhaps it is more typical of the age group I am usually around (18-30 or so), but it still speaks of SOME discrepancy between the genders.

 

Possibly the 'birds of a feather' tendency. You are probably more likely to develop friendships with people with similar values and attitudes - which can skew your idea of how 'people' in general are. I thought everyone was scrupulously honest because most of my friends are. Boy, was I wrong :(

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preciousdiamonds4me

When I first read this question my first instinct was to say friends should come first always. Then I started to sit there and think about it, why should your friends come first or why should your mates come first. I just can't come to a conclusion on this thought. I am going to go with my first instinct though friends should come first.

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Possibly the 'birds of a feather' tendency. You are probably more likely to develop friendships with people with similar values and attitudes - which can skew your idea of how 'people' in general are.

 

But that's just it....I'm finding this true of people with whom I am not associated. Women will have friends they believe to be quite good...and in a year, they're 180 degrees. None of my female friends or acquaintances can name a single female friend they would call reliable...or they call someone a "best friend" and describe them in such a way that makes me wonder how liberally "best" is distributed. I've even talked to other MEN about this and they hear/observe the same. Yet, when I bring the topic of male-male friendships up, it's never a similar issue. Women have often remarked that they wish they could have a friendship like the one I have with my roommate.

 

I would be hesitant to generalize if this were based on just my personal experience, but I'm observing the same phenomenon across hundreds of people. I can hope it's not widespread.....but I fear for the worst.

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Possibly the 'birds of a feather' tendency. You are probably more likely to develop friendships with people with similar values and attitudes - which can skew your idea of how 'people' in general are.

 

Boy, Moimeme. I think you nailed that one right on the head!

 

While my mate comes first, I have maintained deep friendships through the years with the most sincere of my female friends. We're like sisters. I also come first in my partner's life as well, although he also remains close to his male friends as well.

 

But the one thing we all seem to have in common is that we all have the same values and priorities in life. And I think that changes for all of us given time and circumstance. John’s friends have become my friends, and vice-versa. Even my single friends don't demand that I compromise my relationship for "friend maintenance." They have busy lives of their own and enjoy spending time with BOTH of us when we all find time to get together.

 

I don't think you really have to choose between one or the other, unless your partner or friends are overly demanding. Then again, my individual perspective on this is purely relative and limited to my own unique experiences.

:confused:

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I would be hesitant to generalize if this were based on just my personal experience, but I'm observing the same phenomenon across hundreds of people. I can hope it's not widespread.....but I fear for the worst.

 

Could be a function of place and local values. I have run into women who have said things that your friends have told you, but rarely. Women I've known find other women to be very reliable and trustworthy friends. Maybe we lefty-tree-hugger-commie-red- socialists have a different ethic when it comes to friendships :p:laugh:

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Pansies every one of you!

 

I'm guessing it is age and maturity....hoping that it equals out for the lasses once we start getting old...you know....past 30.

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I agree with everyone who says your mate should come first, especially if you are in a longterm relationship. In my case, we respect each other, and always check with the other before making big decisions etc. That's the way my partner and I run things. We put each other first, but still make time for our friends, and keeping contact with them, which is important.

 

Also, a bit like HokeyReligions, I have had to learn how to balance my relationship with my partner, with my relationship with my Mum, which has always been very close. It has taken time, and some heartache on both sides, to achieve a balance, as my Mum and I have always spent a lot of time together, and learning to put my partner first, while still staying close to mum was a tricky learning curve for me (especially during times when the two people closest to me don't agree...I find that stressful but am learning that it is not my place to make everyone agree with each other!)

 

My friends also put their mate first.

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Well, as one would say:: Friends come & go.. but family is 4-ever!!

 

However, in this case, mates come & go; while friends 'should' stick with you 'till death due you part' as could in fact be pronounced.

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Now, when I started dating my husband, he became my best friend overtime. Therefore, I made my mate and my best friend first priority, simply because they were one in the same. It's so strange to me that people don't end up making their long-term lovers first priority...how can you be in love, and I mean truly in love, if your not best friends with the person????

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I don't get that either. Who better to have for a best friend than the person you spend your life with?

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I would no doubt put mate ahead of friends

friends come and go like a sandstorm, its easy to make new friends aas well as easy to lose them or lose contact.

 

with a mate thats different, if its something long-term it's definitely worth the investment of time and money, who knows she might be your wife someday ?

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This decision is never a fair one... why should you have to choose at all? The people in your life need to be more understanding and less demanding.

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well, i expect to get eaten for this, but what the hell. long live the vagina dentata.

 

i love the few women friends i keep, and i feel like i owe to them to distinguish them from the masses of bull$hit female friends. and, interestingly, i was so inspirired by the courage <and giant straightforward steel balls> of a female poster here that i have decided to stop dissembling in places where it serves no purpose.

 

i do throw over female friends for male interests. as a matter of fact, i throw them over for male friends, as well. this is neither good, nor ethical, nor sweet, but it *is*; and i would predict more or less the same behaviour from them.

 

it is my secret horrible but honest opinion and experience that my female friends tend to be less fun, less abstract, much, much, *much* less wittier, and certainly less loyal than my male friends.

 

i really enjoy most women, for the first few months. but invariably, and it's usually my fault, we fall off and she is deeply unsatisfied with my reluctance to complain and wax intimate and i am bored stupid by her need to do so. i stop answering phone calls, she gossips about me, and then we make distant peace.

 

i have a couple of female friends where this does not happen, and most likely would not happen, but we are always yoked together by something larger, and grander, - e.g. academic interests, social causes, artistic endeavors. eve's apple a day to keep the pettiness away, i suppose.

 

i'm not entirely apologetic about this, though i realize it is not ideal by any means. it is a character flaw that i should work to correct. right now ambivalence is the best way i can describe it. if i can live my life without hysteria, gossip, in-fighting, tears, whining, and endless talk about sentiment, i will. pleasure must exceed inconvenience for me, period.

 

most women with whom i can be totally honest feel much the same way, though in total that is only about 9 people, and in no way a representative sample. i understand that my viewpoint is limited and self-defeating, but there it is. on other forums, i am surprised by how many other women pony up to similar feelings. if we are to help it, it should be acknowledged first, i think is the idea.

 

i was raised to be predominantly heterosocial, i think, as many of us are. but there is a weird expectation that we should normatively become homosocial. make quilts and tea, glory in lillith fair and the strength of women who love indifferent men. i'm not getting it yet.

 

in all honesty, i defend myself from some women with logic fairly often, including my own histrionic but otherwise terrific mother. i don't understand how feelings are used to excuse controlling/manipulative behaviour - nor, for example, how emotions excuse cheating with a married man.

 

and finally...

 

nor are emotions strong enough to make grandiose generalizations about a sex, so let me qualify. this is my experience. this is my opinion alone. it is also the experience of many women i know, from many walks of life.

 

it's not good. but we have to say it's there before we work to change it. i try often to just start being a different way; but it doesn't take and two days later i'm spending 37 minutes saying uh-huh to a friend who is freaking about her's boyfriend's refusal to call her snookums while he is at his buddies' house.

 

i suck. but i would like to stop sucking in a reasonable and thoughtful way.

 

lol, yours most confessedly,

j

 

*what will help me more than flames is studies and such that explain why i feel the way i do. i respond to reason. i know i am not unique in this respect, either, and it would helpful to see clear, logical, evidence of why this happens and practical suggestions on what to do about it. already i work with disadvantaged and abused women, that helps a lot - they have real complaints - and i am open to other ideas.

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it is my secret horrible but honest opinion and experience that my female friends tend to be less fun, less abstract, much, much, *much* less wittier, and certainly less loyal than my male friends.

 

As I said above, I think it's a function of time, place, who you attract, and who you meet. I have met vapid, shallow, boring, unfunny and disloyal men as well as women. Were I to make a generalization, I'd say from my experiences that it is often men who become rigidly mired in their attitudes and ideas and, too early in life, decide they can be enlightened no further. This has not been the case with the majority of women I know, and I value that immensely.

 

Women also share a bond in loving men. That requires some skills no man will ever understand and most would gag at. We develop ways to love worthy men who do their best to seem unlovable at times and we support each other in that endeavour. And when (if) the men do, as we read so often on these boards, decide the relationship is not worth working for anymore, we help each other heal.

 

Not all of my women friends are fun, abstract, and witty - but we are there for each other when life throws monkey wrenches into our plans and when capricious men, every bit as wracked with 'issues', if not more than, women, flit off to follow their latest whims.

 

I'm not sure why you say your female friends are disloyal; some may detect the feelings you've expressed and realize you're unlikely to be loyal to them;

invariably, and it's usually my fault, we fall off and she is deeply unsatisfied with my reluctance to complain and wax intimate and i am bored stupid by her need to do so. i stop answering phone calls

 

Just as not every man will have every desirable quality, nor will every woman, but friendship is more than being entertained; the best friends become 'family' of a sort and one loves family because of shared bonds, history, and mutual understanding and not because they possess a shopping list of qualities.

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It would really depend on the situtation on who would come first..if i feel that my mate is wrong, i will probably stand behind him now, then tell him after it was over that he was wrong..and if i feel that my friends are wrong its definately my mate first.

But, it is about equal for me..if it wasnt for my friends i wouldnt have a home, but it wasnt for my mate...i prolly would be in the gutter about now..lol, he somewhat emaotinally saved me i guess ya could say...saved me from myself. lol :)

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