Victim Mentality

[JHS]

I tried to search this but had no luck. I recently broke up with someone - the relationship started out very passionately and things seemed great. Then, after about 2-3 months, she literally turned into a different person. She became paranoid with false accusations. It got to the point where everything I did, no matter how small, was the wrong thing and viewed as some sort of attack or hostile act. A cloud of cynicism completely changed her view of me.

 

During the break up process I found myself apologizing for nearly everything (a mistake I now know) and sometimes just done as damage control. In her view, there was nothing she did wrong - very little acknowledgement of her doing anything wrong, and especially not acknowledging her false accusations.

 

A friend explained that this is the "victim's mentality" and said that when a person gets into that mode, there is nothing that can be done.

 

Any thoughts or experiences on this that can be shared? It was very strange.

[AussieBloke]

When the term victim is used within an interpersonal communication context there can be other parties involved within this communication triangle and they are referred to as the: Victim, Persecutor and the Rescuer. It's far better to be the victim (in some circumstances) than the rescuer or persecutor.

 

AussieBloke

[Shangrila 96]

I tried to search this but had no luck. I recently broke up with someone - the relationship started out very passionately and things seemed great. Then, after about 2-3 months, she literally turned into a different person. She became paranoid with false accusations. It got to the point where everything I did, no matter how small, was the wrong thing and viewed as some sort of attack or hostile act. A cloud of cynicism completely changed her view of me.

 

During the break up process I found myself apologizing for nearly everything (a mistake I now know) and sometimes just done as damage control. In her view, there was nothing she did wrong - very little acknowledgement of her doing anything wrong, and especially not acknowledging her false accusations.

 

A friend explained that this is the "victim's mentality" and said that when a person gets into that mode, there is nothing that can be done.

 

Any thoughts or experiences on this that can be shared? It was very strange.

 

I had some experience with this sort of situation a few years ago but the girl in question was a friend not a girlfriend. She displayed the 'victim mentality' quite a bit. Any sort of criticism was a personal slight and acting like people were out to get her. If a guy she liked didn't reciprocate her attraction, then it was almost a conspiracy. With my friend alot of it had to do with her upbringing which was spoilt and undisciplined.

[JHS]

When the term victim is used within an interpersonal communication context there can be other parties involved within this communication triangle and they are referred to as the: Victim, Persecutor and the Rescuer. It's far better to be the victim (in some circumstances) than the rescuer or persecutor.

 

AussieBloke

 

Interesting response - what if there is no Persecutor objectively, only subjective to the mind of the victim? That is what I am trying to figure out.

[betterdeal]

I agree with AB. The abuse model starts spinning around in circles when things are more or less evenly balanced: each party ends up being an abuser, victim and rescuer at various points and can often be two or more at the same time.

 

For example:

Party A slaps party B.

Party B slaps party A back.

Parties A & B make up and have sex

 

Both were abusers (slapping the other) and victims (being slapped) and rescued each other (making up & having sex).

 

It is, IMO, a useless model in most situations. Most relationships are dynamic, fluid, and both parties behave in ways that threaten or hurt the other party. Threats and offences can be real or perceived.

 

It was difficult, by the sounds of it. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The good news is, you're not in that sh*tty relationship any more. Your life is better now.

[JHS]

I agree with AB. The abuse model starts spinning around in circles when things are more or less evenly balanced: each party ends up being an abuser, victim and rescuer at various points and can often be two or more at the same time.

 

For example:

Party A slaps party B.

Party B slaps party A back.

Parties A & B make up and have sex

 

Both were abusers (slapping the other) and victims (being slapped) and rescued each other (making up & having sex).

 

It is, IMO, a useless model in most situations. Most relationships are dynamic, fluid, and both parties behave in ways that threaten or hurt the other party. Threats and offences can be real or perceived.

 

It was difficult, by the sounds of it. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The good news is, you're not in that sh*tty relationship any more. Your life is better now.

 

Okay, let me clarify - I am asking about people who make up the threats. No actual abuser or persecutor from an objective point of view (e.g., no one was ever hit). There are some who insist that they have been somehow wronged despite it never occurring. That is what I am interested in exploring or hearing about.

[Flgirl44]

I am someone with a victims mentality.

If someone doesn't like me it's because something is wrong with them. They have the problem, they are jealous. They are picking on me for that reason. Boohoo right?

 

In relationships, I treated men the same way. Hyper-sensitive, how could you put me in this position, blah blah everything about me and how it made me feel.

 

My recent break-up has been horrible getting over, wanna know why? Because I am a victim, its never my fault, so I dwell on what's been done to me, instead of seeing things how they are. Instead of seeing myself effecting the relationship and it's turn of events I am too self absorbed and only see it for it's effects on me. It has not served me well. I'm trying really hard not to be such a entitled brat and own up to the fact that I have been playing the victim.

[JHS]

I am someone with a victims mentality.

If someone doesn't like me it's because something is wrong with them. They have the problem, they are jealous. They are picking on me for that reason. Boohoo right?

 

In relationships, I treated men the same way. Hyper-sensitive, how could you put me in this position, blah blah everything about me and how it made me feel.

 

My recent break-up has been horrible getting over, wanna know why? Because I am a victim, its never my fault, so I dwell on what's been done to me, instead of seeing things how they are. Instead of seeing myself effecting the relationship and it's turn of events I am too self absorbed and only see it for it's effects on me. It has not served me well. I'm trying really hard not to be such a entitled brat and own up to the fact that I have been playing the victim.

 

Wow, if you are serious - and I have no reason to believe you're joking - this hits the nail right on the head. But the fact that you can say all this is really, really positive so give yourself credit for coming to these realizations.

 

Can I ask how/why you are able to acknowledge these things? What 'shined the light' on it for you?

Edited April 22, 2011 by JHS

[Flgirl44]

Wow, if you are serious - and I have no reason to believe you're joking - this hits the nail right on the head. But the fact that you can say all this is really, really positive so give yourself credit for coming to these realizations.

 

Can I ask how/why you are able to acknowledge these things? What 'shined the light' on it for you?

 

 

I have acknowledged it for a couple different reasons. The main thing that turned everything upside down was driving my partner away from me to the point that he was able to hurt me the way he did. He might have character flaws that made him predisposed to cheating but I laid the groundwork with my stubborn never wrong attitude and made the relationship of so little value before that action even took place. I didn't realize that I had done that until I was obsessed with the 'why and how' it got so crazy that I am now being cheated on.

 

Another thing that snapped me out of it was writing on these boards and having people call me a spoiled brat. Or, "is she serious? she can't be serious" pretty much calling me out. I had only talked to family and friends and of course they are going to be more than sympathetic, but having others that don't candy coat it allowed me to really see that I was playing the victim.

 

Also when I talked to a therapist, she allowed me to see that my mother ( like most mothers) raise their kids to think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Or that if people don't get along with me it's their problem not mine. Didn't really set me up to be too introspective and set me up with a fair amount of entitlement & "that's your problem' type of attitude to cope with rejection/being wrong. I was able to see my mom's fear and insecurity was the driving force but failed/didn't want to see that trend in myself.

 

So what catalyzed it was an episode of extreme emotional pain. I don't think that many people can snap out of this mentality very easily and if they do, it's usually because something horrible happens that if they use the same coping mechanisms they currently use, it will destroy them. So as selfish as it sounds, if it hadn't been something that had effected ME so much I wouldn't have done the dirty work to figure it out and change.

[Flgirl44]

In other words, when you play the victim all the time it's like crying wolf. Eventually someone will "give you something to be the victim about" and you can either A) Realize that you played a part in your own demise. B) Ignore what you know to be true so you can continue with the charade of always being right. (and see how far that takes you haha)

[JHS]

I have acknowledged it for a couple different reasons. The main thing that turned everything upside down was driving my partner away from me to the point that he was able to hurt me the way he did. He might have character flaws that made him predisposed to cheating but I laid the groundwork with my stubborn never wrong attitude and made the relationship of so little value before that action even took place. I didn't realize that I had done that until I was obsessed with the 'why and how' it got so crazy that I am now being cheated on.

 

Another thing that snapped me out of it was writing on these boards and having people call me a spoiled brat. Or, "is she serious? she can't be serious" pretty much calling me out. I had only talked to family and friends and of course they are going to be more than sympathetic, but having others that don't candy coat it allowed me to really see that I was playing the victim.

 

Also when I talked to a therapist, she allowed me to see that my mother ( like most mothers) raise their kids to think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Or that if people don't get along with me it's their problem not mine. Didn't really set me up to be too introspective and set me up with a fair amount of entitlement & "that's your problem' type of attitude to cope with rejection/being wrong. I was able to see my mom's fear and insecurity was the driving force but failed/didn't want to see that trend in myself.

 

So what catalyzed it was an episode of extreme emotional pain. I don't think that many people can snap out of this mentality very easily and if they do, it's usually because something horrible happens that if they use the same coping mechanisms they currently use, it will destroy them. So as selfish as it sounds, if it hadn't been something that had effected ME so much I wouldn't have done the dirty work to figure it out and change.

 

Thanks for the response. I don't mean to overreact but I think that you have come to an amazing realization. I have dated two victims - women I have really given my heart to - and they somehow turned me into the enemy. It basically starts when they get paranoid ideas which turn to offensive accusations and then I respond poorly by being offended. For the most part I don't lash out, but this last one was particularly demoralizing.

 

While it sucks that you were cheated on (something real), did you find that you kind of made up things, or threats, or really twisted reality out of shape? That seems to be a recurring theme with the two I have experienced. And the problem is that I am the 'enemy' so anything I say in response is just taken as an attack, or a lie or a manipulation, etc.

 

Your observation about your mother is telling too because when I was dating this girl, she would describe her sister as having the same reaction to her as she ended up having to me.

 

Part of my motivation to understand it is so that I avoid it in the future and respond better if/when I come into contact with it again. Another part is that I would love to send her a card telling her I am thinking about her but she takes any overture like that as a threat or an attack and really lashes back.

 

Thanks again for your insight and I am happy to hear any other thoughts or suggestions you might have.

[Flgirl44]

Thanks for the response. I don't mean to overreact but I think that you have come to an amazing realization. I have dated two victims - women I have really given my heart to - and they somehow turned me into the enemy. It basically starts when they get paranoid ideas which turn to offensive accusations and then I respond poorly by being offended. For the most part I don't lash out, but this last one was particularly demoralizing.

 

While it sucks that you were cheated on (something real), did you find that you kind of made up things, or threats, or really twisted reality out of shape? That seems to be a recurring theme with the two I have experienced. And the problem is that I am the 'enemy' so anything I say in response is just taken as an attack, or a lie or a manipulation, etc.

 

Your observation about your mother is telling too because when I was dating this girl, she would describe her sister as having the same reaction to her as she ended up having to me.

 

Part of my motivation to understand it is so that I avoid it in the future and respond better if/when I come into contact with it again. Another part is that I would love to send her a card telling her I am thinking about her but she takes any overture like that as a threat or an attack and really lashes back.

 

Thanks again for your insight and I am happy to hear any other thoughts or suggestions you might have.

 

I think it comes from fear. I was afraid of being cheated on and lied to so i always drove those points home. It was exhausting for my partner and I was too self absorbed to see the toll it was taking on him. I was too concerned with feeding my own comfort by accusing, heavy discussions, and drama. It was a way to control something I realistically had no control over, which would be my love for him. It made me feel so stupid after I got cheated on and still loved him. I realized love isn't something that you can control, so looking back on all the controlling I had done made me feel really stupid. I wasn't preventing anything except the blossoming of our relationship into something meaningful.

 

Did I find that I kind of made up things, or threats, or really twisted reality out of shape? YES. and yes again. I twisted reality out of shape, to fit what I was afraid of, not really a reflection of what was actually happening. I was very caught up in theoretical happenings and what one thing would lead to. And of course when my SO got annoyed as anyone would after a certian point my paranoid self said it was because of "he's angry because he's guilty or lying". Anything so that I was right. It became a sick monster to feed after a certain point. It was like a positive feedback loop. I think that's where your friend came up with the "victim mode" that you can't get them out of. The negativity , accusation, and snooping took on a life of their own and seemed to be a set pattern after a certain point.

[Flgirl44]

I wanted to add that you probably will come into contact with another one of these girls because I have also learned that you attract and accept certain people in your life for a reason. You seem to be attracted to a certain type and I would investigate what that says about yourself and what you expect from relationships.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I don't know much about an 'official' victim mentality, but I definitely think that many people acclimatise to feelings of inferiority or feel attacked and defensive...for whatever reasons...it must be something in their past and their way of dealing with things had been for them to switch to 'I am a victim'. I think this happens with people who are not strong enough to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and get on with things, so they get used to being a victim, expecting to always be so.

[D-Lish]

after about 2-3 months, she literally turned into a different person. She became paranoid with false accusations. It got to the point where everything I did, no matter how small, was the wrong thing and viewed as some sort of attack or hostile act. A cloud of cynicism completely changed her view of me.

 

 

Her view of you didn't change because of something you did. She came into the relationship with baggage, she came into the relationship with that cynicism- and nothing you could have said or done could have changed that.

 

She didn't "change"- she was broken to begin with, she just managed her behaviour because you were in the new stages of a relationship.

 

Don't apologize, and don't internalize her problem as something you could have prevented. Nothing you could have done could have stopped this behaviour from coming out. The girl you know now was always there, she just hid it well.

 

In new relationships people are always on their best behaviour. Just know- really know- you didn't do anything to cause a change in her, that baggage was put in place long before you came along.

[JHS]

Her view of you didn't change because of something you did. She came into the relationship with baggage, she came into the relationship with that cynicism- and nothing you could have said or done could have changed that.

 

She didn't "change"- she was broken to begin with, she just managed her behaviour because you were in the new stages of a relationship.

 

Don't apologize, and don't internalize her problem as something you could have prevented. Nothing you could have done could have stopped this behaviour from coming out. The girl you know now was always there, she just hid it well.

 

In new relationships people are always on their best behaviour. Just know- really know- you didn't do anything to cause a change in her, that baggage was put in place long before you came along.

 

This is really good and somewhere I knew this was the truth. The way she turned - I described it as the floodgates opening up to things that were there long before I met her, but of course she would never admit it. It was me just insulting her (okay, I called her paranoid when she accused me and a friend of being homosexual lovers). it's just really hard when going through it because we started out really strong (okay, it was lust at first sight) so when you care about someone and the person and the relationship are falling apart right in front of me, it's really tough to think straight and sanely.

 

One time we were talking - very calmly and nicely - and she actually admitted that once when I just asked a simple yes or no question her snapping at me was harsh and combative, I thought it was a breakthrough. But that happened just once.

 

I guess when a relationship gets that way there's not much I can do, right? Because everything, and I mean everything I did or said was the "wrong thing" to her. I wish she had some friends that would set her straight and just have said that i was a good guy and wanted us to work.

 

Thanks for the additional thoughts...

[D-Lish]

This is really good and somewhere I knew this was the truth. The way she turned - I described it as the floodgates opening up to things that were there long before I met her, but of course she would never admit it. It was me just insulting her (okay, I called her paranoid when she accused me and a friend of being homosexual lovers). it's just really hard when going through it because we started out really strong (okay, it was lust at first sight) so when you care about someone and the person and the relationship are falling apart right in front of me, it's really tough to think straight and sanely.

 

One time we were talking - very calmly and nicely - and she actually admitted that once when I just asked a simple yes or no question her snapping at me was harsh and combative, I thought it was a breakthrough. But that happened just once.

 

I guess when a relationship gets that way there's not much I can do, right? Because everything, and I mean everything I did or said was the "wrong thing" to her. I wish she had some friends that would set her straight and just have said that i was a good guy and wanted us to work.

 

Thanks for the additional thoughts...

 

She knew you were a good guy, she just didn't think she deserved it, so she sabotaged things- because that's her pattern.

 

Again, stop thinking there was something that you or others could have done to save this. You can't fix her, her friends can't fix her, she has to fix herself.

[JHS]

She knew you were a good guy, she just didn't think she deserved it, so she sabotaged things- because that's her pattern.

 

Again, stop thinking there was something that you or others could have done to save this. You can't fix her, her friends can't fix her, she has to fix herself.

 

yes, you're so right. Ever the optimist I guess. And you're right about saying that I shouldn't internalize it or hold myself responsible. This is very helpful advice. Thank you.

[D-Lish]

yes, you're so right. Ever the optimist I guess. And you're right about saying that I shouldn't internalize it or hold myself responsible. This is very helpful advice. Thank you.

 

You're welcome, anytime.

 

I would really hate to see you internalize this as you're fault, because it's not, it's not at all.

 

You're going to run across people in your life that are broken souls, the fact that you didn't see her issues at first doesn't mean they weren't there.

 

Who knows, maybe a part of you was attracted to the notion of "fixing" her- maybe you still feel a pull to do that. But you can't fix her, she has to mend herself.

[Jadestone]

Are You Playing Victim?

by* Fred Zurofsky

 

You would be surprised to find how playing of us are playing the role of Victim. This "poor me" role is one of the favorite for many of us mostly because of the payoffs we get by playing victim.

 

This is particularly true in marriages. It seems that there are two positions to take: Giver and Taker. Guess who the Giver is in most cases. The Giver is also always a Victim.

 

We can ask ourselves why a role was assumed, but without some background and understanding you will be spinning your wheels.

 

1. Victims can be blameless because of our "they are doing it to us" mentality. We are the ones being treated unfairly so we can see ourselves as good, right and okay while "they" are bad, wrong and deserving of our scorn. Unfortunately, for those of us with low self esteem, being the victims of others taking advantage of us is the only way we can generate a feeling of self-worth. "I'm OK because I am suffering these injustices."

 

2. Victims can operate as "passive-aggressives" where we manipulate others' using pity and guilt. We can defend ourselves from these aggressive, angry people in our lives by playing our "weak, frail and abused" cards. We can also make them believe that they are responsible for our unhappiness by playing on their guilt. "If it weren't for you, I'd be much happier, richer and successful," is the manipulating cry.

 

3. Victims can declare that we're not the cause of and therefore are not responsible for our reality. If we or our lives are in shambles, we can blame "them" for this condition. We are blameless because we are not in control of events.

 

As a strong believer in the idea that "We are always manifesting our intentions," I know we are getting what we want by our actions in making others feel responsible for the reality of our lives. By making ourselves seem weak, incapable and in need of help we enroll their guilt by suggesting it's their fault.

 

 

What's the problem?

If we find ourselves involved with someone playing the role of victim, we can look at them as powerful creators of this condition rather than as helpless, oppressed creatures.

 

We need to understand that this is the way they've chosen to get their needs met. If we care enough, we might try to understand what these needs are and how to help them be fulfilled without falling prey to their victim conversations.

 

Funny as it sounds, one of the victim's payoffs is to be unhappy. Being "unhappy" makes him happy. If he were to come across an event that others find joyful, he's likely to find something wrong, thus validating his unhappiness. The too makes him happy.

 

 

What If You're Playing Victim And Aren't Aware Of It?

In another article called, "What's Real", I explain that all that we see, know and believe is all "made up" by us in our minds. There is nothing real except that which we give meaning to. So if you find yourself looking for reasons "WHY," STOP. There is no WHY out there. You need to know that "You're Making It Up!" For example. If two or more people are standing on a street corner and witness a dog being hit by a car (the event). Based on their own former experiences with dogs (maybe as far back as 3-5 years old), each person will have their own GENERATED REACTION to the event and each one could be different. Each person is "making it up" because the event was the same for all.

 

So if you find yourself reacting to events as if they are "happening to you" instead of seeing your reactions as ones that you are creating from your past experiences, then you may be playing out the role of victim. If others are picking on you, perhaps it's because you are intentionally doing something bad or stupid that causes them to do so. If you don't look at your reactions objectively, you could conclude that this is another example of you being the blameless victim.

 

 

How I should you handle a Victim.

Firstly, be aware that there is no way you can create the success and happiness this person wants. They alone are responsible for all the choices and steps that have brought them to their present condition. All you can do is to help them see this fact and give and give them support for changing their outlook.

 

In all interactions with this person, try to see how their attempts to control and manipulate are really attempt to get their needs met. You can help them see that they are creating their current reality and have a choice about continuing this role or changing it to a more workable and satisfying one.

 

You can ask questions that help them understand what will make them happy starting with making a list of all the things in their lives that they're grateful for. This alone will create a huge shift in the way they view life.

 

Let them know that you're unwilling to respond to their manipulative demands but will when you observe an authentic and responsible request for assistance and help. Let them know that playing the victim role with you will no longer work. They must start assuming responsibility for their own experiences in life.

 

 

About the author

 

Fred Zurofsky is an author and internet publisher who* writes ebooks covering topics ranging from investing strategies, self help, personal transformation and internet business development at his web site:* http://www.divorce-survival.com.

[JHS]

You're welcome, anytime.

 

I would really hate to see you internalize this as you're fault, because it's not, it's not at all.

 

You're going to run across people in your life that are broken souls, the fact that you didn't see her issues at first doesn't mean they weren't there.

 

Who knows, maybe a part of you was attracted to the notion of "fixing" her- maybe you still feel a pull to do that. But you can't fix her, she has to mend herself.

 

Right. But the truth is that I just really miss her. I felt like I saw and fell in love with the real her - and there was nothing to fix in the beginning. She was really great and that's what i was attracted to. In fact, it was these problems that drove me away because I can't and won't fix someone (nor put up with degrading BS). So I posted here more for understanding what happened because it was just so out of left field. When a friend said, "Oh, she's playing the victim," that's when it made me try to sort through it all.

I definitely learned from the experience, however.

 

By way of back-story, I should mention that she has at least two MAJOR issues - I kept these out to try to be more objective in my assessment. Issue 1: She has HepC. She was infected by someone who handed her an infected needle when she was young. I think this really messed with her self esteem. 2) She had a brain injury. It is not at all apparent but I think even if there isn't an apparent physical effect, there's also the accompanying emotional hurt. But none of these things drove me away. In fact, I lost a brother to diabetes and I remembered how I viewed his wife (now widow) when she married him - I thought how that was the right thing even though she knew his days were numbered. Anyway, a tangent.

 

Thanks again...

[JHS]

Are You Playing Victim?

by* Fred Zurofsky

 

How I should you handle a Victim.

Firstly, be aware that there is no way you can create the success and happiness this person wants. They alone are responsible for all the choices and steps that have brought them to their present condition. All you can do is to help them see this fact and give and give them support for changing their outlook.

 

In all interactions with this person, try to see how their attempts to control and manipulate are really attempt to get their needs met. You can help them see that they are creating their current reality and have a choice about continuing this role or changing it to a more workable and satisfying one.

 

You can ask questions that help them understand what will make them happy starting with making a list of all the things in their lives that they're grateful for. This alone will create a huge shift in the way they view life.

 

Let them know that you're unwilling to respond to their manipulative demands but will when you observe an authentic and responsible request for assistance and help. Let them know that playing the victim role with you will no longer work. They must start assuming responsibility for their own experiences in life.

 

 

About the author

 

Fred Zurofsky is an author and internet publisher who* writes ebooks covering topics ranging from investing strategies, self help, personal transformation and internet business development at his web site:* http://www.divorce-survival.com.

This is great stuff but where was it months ago??? (kidding) One of the things she used to do was ask about my day. This started out as a friendly interest, "We women need details" to a demand for information. I found myself litterally giving play by play texts every couple of hours just to placate her: "Walked to work, bought a coffee, gave a doughnut to a homeless guy along the way..." etc. I realized that was getting me nowhere so it stopped, but it fits in well with this article.

Edited April 23, 2011 by JHS

[Jadestone]

Earlier I was going to post about how I may have played victim in my r/ship- and that's when I started the research. Currently started therapy for the first time.

 

I know it was tough for my ex to deal w my self sabotage. I own up to mistakes, but only after the tornado passes. I don't know if I'm considered a victim. Pretty mentally strong single- just fear being vulnerable. I'm seeking therapy for the first time to get to the root of things. Personally- we all have the ability to be a victim or not. It's all about the thoughts that we are letting control us or breed in the brain.

 

I also found myself asking- where was this article a few months ago... Lol.

 

It really doesn't matter what the person's circumstances for being a victim are. I once dated a drug addict- total victim mentality. But he grew up w great parents, wealthy- had everything. He was so bored with his life that all he could do for fun was be miserable and destroy himself. He was just a vampire- sucking the good out of everything- even sunsets.

 

It took me a long time to heal. I just had to stop feeling sorry for him bc it wasn't healthy for me.

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[pureinheart]

Okay, let me clarify - I am asking about people who make up the threats. No actual abuser or persecutor from an objective point of view (e.g., no one was ever hit). There are some who insist that they have been somehow wronged despite it never occurring. That is what I am interested in exploring or hearing about.

 

JHS, she sounds very complicated, and had you remained in the R, it would have been much worse, and would have gone into many more games, imaginations and manipulations...in essense you were dealing with much more than a victims mentality.

 

I had an ex that used to gaslight bigtime (which is what she was doing also). His life was all about drama because that is all he knew from the time he was a small child. If there was no drama, he would create it. Once he figured out which buttons to push, he pushed those buttons all of the time, and it worked for awhile because I wasn't used to that type of manipulation...I thought the fights were us actually working towards reconcilliation..but to him they were to fulfill his need for drama.

 

As one example he used to break things on purpose, as a way to cause me to be dependant on him...he would fix the stuff and be the hero, therefore creating a need for his existance...it was really weird I do have to say...when he left it was nice not having to deal with broken stuff all of the time.