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I miss my wife - and we live together


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arewethereyet

I have been back and forth on how to proceed with my problem/situation.

 

I have always considered myself happily married. I have a beautiful wife whom I love and who has loved me. I am sure she loves me still. We have been married 4 years and together 6.

 

We had our first child 6 months ago which has only compounded the problem or perhaps brought it to a head.

 

My problem is that I feel alone when I am with her. She does not seem to listen when I talk to her. She has not shown me much affection in years. There is no intimacy. We have made love less than 6 times since my daughter was conceived and had other sexual contact perhaps another 6 times. She does not initiate anything and routinely rejects my advances - morning, noon, or night.

 

I have talked with her about how I feel, about what I would like to share, about what we could do differently - all many times over the past 6 months. All to no avail. I have asked her if I should seek affection outside our relationship - not a welcome request but certainly where things may head if we cannot find some common ground.

 

We still share the same bed but we could be seen as brother and sister for how far apart we are. She will often lay our daughter between us which helps little.

 

I know we are in a period of change with the new child in the picture - but intimacy took a tumble soon after our wedding and has only gotten worse. I lay awake at night (often after rejection) wandering just what to do.

 

I have considered many options on how to proceed. But welcome the opinions of others.

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Hmm, having been married and divorced and been around the block a few times, I'd probably quietly have a paternity test done.

 

What was her response, in body language and verbally, when you suggested that you seek intimacy outside the marriage?

 

How old are you and she?

 

What is her family/relationship background?

 

Welcome to LS :)

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arewethereyet

Thank you for the welcome and response.

 

I am not so worried about the paternity test. I know my wife is not seeing anyone outside our relationship. She is never sneaking around, hiding things, or out anywhere that I dont know about.

 

She is very black and white about me going outside the relationship - if I do then it will be the end of what we have. A higher price than I am willing to pay. While the thought of being with another woman does appeal - the reality of doing such (and betraying my friend and family) makes such thoughts short lived.

 

We are both in our mid 30's. She had not really been in a serious relationship before we met. I had a few long term relationships prior. Nothing there seems to cause her concern - no jealousy that I am aware of.

 

Her parents are a little weird but a close family. Her parents are still openly affectionate toward one another.

 

I am thinking that I should start dating her again. Break the routine/rut we have found ourselves in. Perhaps going out to dinner a night or two each week. Cannot see it hurting and probably less expensive than counselling.

 

But I certainly remain open to suggestions.

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You should be completely honest with her about how you feel you have nothing else to lose,I myself felt this way in my M with my XW I loved her but we became strangers no affection I had an A and she D me I regret having an A to this day I wish I had done everything in my power to work on my M rather than going out and having an A.

 

Do you think your W is suffering from depression you mentioned you and her have a baby could she be suffering from postpartum depression?

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OP, since you're new, here's a good thread to read for various male perspectives on sex and intimacy (and lack thereof) in marriage. The male posters there represent a real good cross-section of LS's males who have experienced this dynamic and how they've dealt with it and the results. Researching those posters individually will expand an understanding and the insight gained. Happy reading.

 

One important thing LS has taught me is that everything isn't always as it seems. Hope you find your solution. :)

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arewethereyet

I do appreciate the comments and the link provided plenty of good reading and insights.

 

We had a nice night out for Valentines though back to the routine once home. It is going to take time - I should be thankful that our relationship as friends can still be fun. But to (roughly) quote someone from the link you provided - "I did not enter a committed marriage to be celibate the rest of my life".

 

Again - thank you for your help. Certainly seems I am not alone in being alone in marriage. I will keep working at it ;)

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I remember after my son was born (almost 27 now so long time ago) my focus was on him, just him. It felt like nothing else existed, although I loved my H, my mind and body was telling me to focus on my son. Our marriage took a huge dip. It wasn't until we went out one night and I saw him accross the room that I remembered that I really fancied him and seeing him get attention from other women sort of made my head go, hmm he really is all that and look at those other women trying to get his attention. basically, it made me see him as a man other than the father of our baby - if that makes any sense.

 

To be alone in a marriage is godawful, can you both get away for the weekend where someone else looks after the baby? It is possible that your wife has the 'wife and mother' head on and that this has become the way she sees herself. Or if there has been a general decline in sex, that she needs more intimacy before sex.

 

I would try the time away or at least an evening out somewhere. I would also have a talk before it goes on and on and ends up with you both being so lonely you look elsewhere. The talk should always be a 'we' talk, it helps to open discussion and stops blame, even if there is reason to blame.

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You need to romance your wife more and not just 'go for intimacy'.. Bring her flowers, give her massages and tell her how much you love and adore her.

 

Having a child changes things, even more so since your baby is so young! Also, your wife may have abit of PPD (post pardom depression) and her hormones could have something to do with how she is sexually, that and just being tired, feeling unsexy after having a baby.. and she's in mommy mode.

 

Don't push the sex stuff..Not now. I know you want it, rightfully so, but she isn't up for it.

 

If she isn't ready to go out for dinner, leave the baby with the grandparents, then cook a nice dinner, and have a romantic evening together, put on music, talk and dance, laugh and try to reconnect with her as husband and wife. She needs to feel sexy, and needed.

 

Hopefully it'll help, but if it doesn't, then that's when you two need to have a serious talk and find out what's going on inside her.

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Oh boy....I've been here

 

On her end... shes holding your sex life hostage.

 

On your end....well you didnt get into detail on that one so I dont know. But we do know you made effort.

 

Buddy you're marriage is drifting into the abyss and if BOTH sides dont take measures to identify the problems and fix it there may be no turning back; At which point one of three things will happen....or maybe a progression through all three :eek:

 

A) You stay in the marriage, stay faithful and become incredibly unhappy because you resent the hell out of her for cheating you of what is important to you and are totally disappointed in yourself for winding up in such a bad place. You'll pray to get lambasted by a semi one day

 

B) You cheat...it may be for you...but it may not; Big gamble.

 

C) You leave and hemorrhage copious amounts of money in the process

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You need to romance your wife more and not just 'go for intimacy'.. Bring her flowers, give her massages and tell her how much you love and adore her.

 

This is fine and yes he needs to do his part..but why does it have to be only about him? Anytime Ive noticed only one side putting in effort it never sticks...She needs to put in an effort as well.."mommy mode" or not; if she values her marriage she needs to get up and hustle.

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creighton0123

Perhaps open it up to her and give her a week or two of absolute patience. Tell her that you've done talking. She knows your concerns. Tell her that you want to listen...

 

and then listen... If she doesn't say anything, tell her that you absolutely require some sort of answer as to why she is being so cold and foreign.

 

Also, have you perhaps taken into account that she may be clinically depressed?

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Here's what you should do - start flirting with other women. Take unexplained absences, and turn your phone off. Mention an attractive woman at the office and how she was coming on to you. Invite the hottest female realtor in your area around to 'look at the house'. Go out with friends and come back several hours later than you said you would. Your wife will most likely get jealous and start trying to get your attention again.

 

People dismiss words, but they take actions seriously. People ignore polite requests and pleading, but they pay attention to credible threats.

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Here's what you should do - start flirting with other women. Take unexplained absences, and turn your phone off. Mention an attractive woman at the office and how she was coming on to you. Invite the hottest female realtor in your area around to 'look at the house'. Go out with friends and come back several hours later than you said you would. Your wife will most likely get jealous and start trying to get your attention again.

 

Becareful... after already asking for an open marriage and having it refused she may assume this to be out right cheating behind the scenes.... thats when the **** will hit the fan and no matter what he says to set her straight it likely wont work.

 

he may as well actually cheat if its going to get to that....he'll be just as "wrong" in her eyes

Edited by StoneCold
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arewethereyet

Sorry for the absence.

 

I appreciate all the comments. A lot of different angles - all of them certainly valid and appreciated.

 

We have dated a time or two since my first post. I have also not tried pushing, pressuring, begging, pleading etc for sex or intimacy. Has not changed things but such it is.

We have talked a little about things though have yet to really devote time to sitting down and having a proper indepth discussion. I did wave the "Did not get married to be celibate" flag a time or two which won me no favors (but sometimes frustration gets the better of me).

 

I like the jealousy angle from Joe Normal - but am not sure it would benefit me any. I know if the shoe were on the other foot I would not desire her more - I would probably see it as writing on the wall.

 

creighton - I think she may be a little depressed. She seems ok so far as she is not particularly moody (she has always been very level tempered). But I imagine she is stressing to some degree about finances and our daughter.

 

My wife recently shared this article with me (Hope it is ok to share here) http://www.babycenter.com/0_a-dads-guide-to-rekindling-the-romance_9915.bc?page=1 So I can only imagine it is her way to ask me to be a little more romantic. It is tough though as I had been showing unreciprocated affection all along. But I guess our daughter is her world/focus and my wife and daughter is my own.

 

I will continue to try the dating and romance and see where it takes me. A little additional patience right now may pay dividends I guess.

 

Thank you again for all your comments ;)

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  • 2 months later...
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arewethereyet

Well it has been three more months since I last posted. Three sexless, long, hard months.

 

We have spoken a few times and she does hear me and at times sympathizes with my position - but yet does nothing to change it. She has said a time or two "This weekend" but the weekend comes and goes with nothing new.

 

If anything I would say there is less intimacy than ever. We sleep with our daughter between us. I think it is a little deliberate - keeping me away.

 

She has said that sex can be painful and she has been uncomfortable since having our daughter - but to be honest - even during pregnancy there was little sex/intimacy to speak of. In almost 18 months since our daughter was conceived - we have made love 5 times (and yeah - that is counting conception!!).

 

We had discussed before deciding to have our daughter that I did not want a child to come between us physically - I reminded her of this.

 

I am nearing my whits end. My mind is starting to wander when I see other women. I really do love my wife - but I cannot live in a sexless marriage. I have told her (a few times) that my commitment to her/us did not include my being celibate.

 

I have thought about having a casual encounter on the side now for a few months - figuring "what the wife does not know wont hurt us" but realistically I think it would be the nail in the coffin for our relationship.

 

Anyone got any suggestions or thoughts on where to go from here?

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Afishwithabike

You said she had a baby recently. Is it possible that she's suffering from post-partum depression?

http://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/postpartum-depression-symptoms

 

She has said that sex can be painful and she has been uncomfortable since having our daughter - but to be honest - even during pregnancy there was little sex/intimacy to speak of. In almost 18 months since our daughter was conceived - we have made love 5 times (and yeah - that is counting conception!!).

 

 

This stood out to me. Sex shouldn't be painful unless that's the kind of sex you're into! :laugh:

 

I think she needs to see a gynecologist to look into why sex is so uncomfortable for her. On a recent episode of the sex therapy show (In the Bedroom with Dr. Berman) on the Oprah Winfrey Network, there was a woman who found sex uncomfortable after childbirth because she had an episiotomy during the birth. Some internal scar tissue from the episiotomy made her feel like a virgin each time she had sex with her husband. I wonder if your wife has some scar tissue like that which affects her during sex.

 

The other thing that might be an issue is lubrication. Even if she feels wet enough, I would use some lube. Sometimes something simple like that might fix the problem.

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arewethereyet

She has been to see a counselor a few times recently but I would not say she in any way seems depressed. I have asked her about what she spoke of but it sounded to relate more to work and her problems with pain than anything motherhood or I am involved in. She said that she did mention the lack of a sex life to the counselor but again it sounded like a real afterthought.

 

She has been to see a few Drs regarding the pain. It is a tear in the rear end that heals and reopens. Believe it is quite common and not an area I have ventured anyway.

 

But I really do feel like I am living with my sister and not my lover (and yes - I have said this to her too). She is very devoted to our daughter (which is wonderful) but at the end of the day I am left alone and lonely in my marriage (which I also have told her).

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Afishwithabike

I think BOTH of you need to go to a competent sex therapist together. This is not just her problem. It affects your relationship with each other.

 

I'm still not clear on the tear in her backside. You say you don't venture into that area, but does the tear, when it reopens, affect her vaginal area? Is there nothing that can be done for it?

 

On that television therapy show, the sex therapist was able to show the wife some things she could do to reduce the pain from the scar.

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It's sounds like the OP's wife has a perineal tear, unknown as to severity, or it's possible she had an episiotomy, which is a proactive cutting of tissues between the vaginal entry and the rectum. Her OB/GYN should assess her for treatment. More info:

 

How are tears treated?

 

If you have a tear (or an episiotomy, or both) that requires stitches, a local anesthetic is first injected directly into the areas that need numbing. Or, if you have an extensive tear, you may get a pudendal block — an injection of a local anesthetic into the walls of your vagina, which bathes the pudendal nerve and numbs your entire genital area. Then your practitioner will stitch you up, layer by layer.

 

After being stitched up, you'll need to apply ice packs to the area for the next 12 hours or so. Chances are you'll be quite uncomfortable — so don't be shy about asking for pain medication.

What's the recovery like?

 

The pain will lessen over time, but your discomfort may last for three months or more. Here are some tips for recovering from a third- or fourth-degree tear:

 

  • Urinating or having a bowel movement can be painful. Make sure your practitioner orders a stool softener so you can start taking it right away and continue taking it for the first few weeks that you're home.
  • Don't fight the urge to move your bowels or you could become constipated.
  • Don't have sex until you get your caregiver's okay.
  • Avoid putting anything, including suppositories or an enema, into your rectum.
  • Women with tears into the sphincter or all the way through to the rectum are more likely to have incontinence of gas or feces later. Let your caregiver know if you suffer from either of these problems.
  • For more advice on how to take care of yourself after a tear (or an episiotomy), see our article on managing postpartum perineal pain.

 

IMO, pain resulting from such injury/procedure is serious and should be recognized and empathized with. That said, there are *many* avenues of expressing sexual interest and desire and appreciation which don't inolve exacerbating such pain. Both partners are responsible for exploring those potentials. It appears the wife here is unable or unwilling to take responsibility for her role. This problem is a *team problem* and the solution will be a *team solution*

 

IMO, this (vaginal pain) shouldn't be a marital deal-breaker. It's fixable. Her libido and psychology are another matter, and much more nebulous. My yellow flag is apparent disinterest in intimacy of most any type, and sleeping with the child between the parents consistently. Hope it works out.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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arewethereyet
UMM YOUR WIFE JUST HAD A BABY 6 MONTHS AGO YOU INCONSIDERATE DISGUSTING PRICCK!!! Women dont feel good about their bodys or have any sexual feelings after having a baby! Youre lucky you got some even that much! And threatening to look outside the relationship when your baby is still a newborn! I dont blame her for not wanting to have sex with you. You sound like one of those disgusting slobs who sweat and slobber all over and only think about theyre dicks instead of their wifes feelings. You should look outside and let your wife move on to someone who actually cares about HER and not just her pussy! *******!

 

Wow - such great advice - your consideration and understanding are great!! Dare I say it - you have such a small mind that you really should not be online - yet alone giving advice :sick:

 

Fact is that I dont just think with my dick. I dont get to touch or hold my wife. It is near another month and another month with zero intimacy. I desire my wife and I do want to be with her. But to have so little intimacy, love, desire, or any physical contact leaves me continuing to wait, wanting her.

 

For what it is worth. I did not marry my wife for her pussy. In fact - I have had several previous long term relationships with much more attractive and sexual women before meeting her. She had none. I chose my wife to be my partner as she was such a good friend - truth is that sex could always be improved but I was always patient and very considerate of her needs and fears.

 

Oh - and Maliouhana - I honestly do not need to hear any further from you - you clearly have bigger issues than my wife or I.

 

 

Carhill - the wound is/was apparently on her butt and not vaginal. Child birth was scheduled C section so no episiotomy was needed.

From the sounds of things the pain/problem is pretty well gone and she no longer mentions it or is seeking treatment for it.

We spoke last night where I again discussed with her the complete absence of contact. She now says it is a schedule thing where she cannot find the time with our daughter in the house. She said that perhaps we could have one of our parents mind her one evening. It really should not be such a procedure should it. I mean surely we could connect one night or morning when our daughter is still sleeping.

 

Guess at this point I am just thinking aloud with hopes that sometime soon our relationship will be a little more normal.

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Thanks for the clarification. It occurred to me, reading it, that other issues of pregnancy can cause that kind of pain. I recall my mom telling me many years later that persistent constipation had caused her pain when she was pregnant with me, as an example. Glad to read this issue is subsiding.

 

Her suggestion of having the grandparents care for daughter is a positive step. It may not be as far as or exactly where you want to go, but it is a step in the direction you want to go, having more intimacy. Sure, it should be no problem making love while daughter is sleeping but W isn't apparently comfortable with that yet. I would be more concerned if she showed no empathy for your feelings whatsoever.

 

So, she's feeling better and has addressed, in some regard, your concerns. I'd count it as a positive experience and build on it. Perhaps you and she will re-define 'normal' in a new and completely different way. Only time will tell.

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UMM YOUR WIFE JUST HAD A BABY 6 MONTHS AGO YOU INCONSIDERATE DISGUSTING PRICCK!!! Women dont feel good about their bodys or have any sexual feelings after having a baby! Youre lucky you got some even that much! And threatening to look outside the relationship when your baby is still a newborn! I dont blame her for not wanting to have sex with you. You sound like one of those disgusting slobs who sweat and slobber all over and only think about theyre dicks instead of their wifes feelings. You should look outside and let your wife move on to someone who actually cares about HER and not just her pussy! *******!

 

While this poster went a little over the top with the advice, she does generally have a point. The fact that you even considered having sex with someone else and then asking her is completely disrespectful, along with trying to find ways to make her jealous while you have a baby to look after.

 

And if you honestly had hot women before her, why marry her? Because you thought she was a good partner emotionally and you hoped to mold her into one of your old flames? So what if she didn't have any men under her wings around the time you two got together, dude. That doesn't mean you're somehow higher than her. Honestly if no sex hasn't been going on for months then obviously it's time to start thinking about separation, not other women.

 

Take care.

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  • 2 months later...
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arewethereyet

Well it has been 2 more months since my last post and nothings changed. 2 more long lonely loveless months filled with excuses and apologies and little more. Curious how many married men go for more than 6 months without intimacy what so ever.

 

Our daughter was conceived 18 months ago now and I am starting to think it a miracle she was as I have only been intimate with my wife less than 5 times since.

 

The few nights we have shared our bed alone (our daughter is between us almost every night since her birth last year) my wife is cold and distant.

 

We have a love life that resembles that of a cheating husband - only I have never cheated or been accused of it. Heck - one of her friends was caught cheating and he has slept with his wife more than I have mine since then.

 

Think it is time for more drastic measures - I am starting to rationalize it with the fact that if I sleep with another woman and love my wife it is such a bad thing. We still have a good relationship (other than in bed) and could well continue to do so if I were unfaithful. Heck - it might make things better still since I am not so darned frustrated all the time.

 

I really did not marry my best friend only to be able to have a brother sister relationship with her.

 

Not sure I am shopping for opinions as much as just being able to vent a little - it really is more frustrating than I could imagine.

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Severely Unamused

I suppose you aren't willing to actually tell her that you are thinking about having an affair, are you?

 

Might end really badly (just like actually having an affair). Might be the kick in the pants that she needs (just like actually having an affair).

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