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Boyfriend's mother is driving me crazy!

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Old 29th September 2003, 1:37 PM   #1
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Unhappy Boyfriend's mother is driving me crazy!

Well the drama never seems to end...

My boyfriend has a child with another woman and before this child was born, he made the decision to pay child support but have no relationship with this child. His family disapproves of his decision and his mother tries to get visitation with the child when she can, which only happens to be when the mother needs a babysitter so once every two months or so. My boyfriend and I are very close and have been talking about moving in together for quite some time now. He also wants to move out b/c his mother's visitation with the child is causing conflict between the two of them and other members of his family. His mother has known his decision from day one and still thinks that she can change his mind if she brings the baby home once and a while. Well the baby is seven months almost eight and he just gets angry at this mom b/c he feels she is choosing the baby over him which you as well as I know that this isn't right but anyways. I have argued with him to know end about changing his mind and he won't budge so now I decided it wasn't worth arguing over and I support his decision. Well this puts me on bad terms with his mother. She hardly ever talks to me and when she does it's about how great his brother and his girlfriend are, and how they bought a house, etc., etc. I hate the conflict with his motherbut I know my boyfriend feels that I am the only one supporting him. Now we have found an apartment that we plan to move into but my boyfriend wanted to consolidate his bills into on loan. Well unfortunatly he needs a co-signer to do this and his mother refuses. She doesn't want him to move b/c she thinks if he sticks around, he'll change his mind about the baby. I don't think he will and I don't think she is going about things the right way but I don't say anything to her about it. However, I have the chance to co-sign this loan he needs. Do you think I should do it? I know it would help him greatly financially and that it would help both of us when we move in together but I don't want to make things worse with his mother. What should I do?
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Old 29th September 2003, 1:50 PM   #2
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Do not co-sign the loan. You are not his wife, and should things not work out between the two of you down the road, you could end up in a world of hurt by being a co-signor.
In the end one loves one's desire and not what is desired. -- Nietzsche
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Old 29th September 2003, 1:52 PM   #3
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You could have limited your post to one question...should you cosign your boyfriend's loan? I, in turn, could have limited my reply to one word...NO. However, I will tell you why. The majority of people who cosign loans for others end up paying most or a good portion of the money back themselves. People need cosigners because they don't have the means themselves to convince a lender they have the capacity to pay back a loan...or their credit is bad. If a bank or other institution with TONS of money is not willing to take the risk, why should you take something like this on with more limited funds? Just think of the problems it could create if you get saddled with paying this back. No matter how the two of you feel about each other now, money matters can screw things up royally.

Borrowing money to pay off bills is insane. Maybe he'll shave off a few bucks from the interest but he's mainly doing it because he can't meet the collective monthly payment of all this bills so he needs to consolidate. It's a very major red flag that he can't manage his money properly, even considering he's paying child support. I also wonder if you've really given thought to the character of a human being who doesn't want to have anything to do with his own child?

Now, if you have the means to make the payments on this loan should your boyfriend default...and the disposition not to let that fact affect your relationship in any way, that is, not be angry because you are saddled with your boyfriend's debt, then go ahead and cosign the loan. However, as a general rule in life, never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever cosign a loan for somebody else unless they give you a lot of collateral or otherwise make it worth your while. It's just not a good policy. If your boyfriend has even an ounce of good credit, he should be able to get this loan on his own. And don't think for a minute that his mother is not helping him with this loan in order to get him to like his own baby...that's about the craziest thing I have ever heard of. His mother is not going to cosign this loan because she knows how her son handles money better than anybody else in the universe.

Again, if you do cosign the loan, be prepared to pay it back because your guy has big time spending/debt problems and he will take up the slack by making new debt.

I'm sorry about the baby problem. Before you go much farther in this relationship, you ought to see just why your guy won't have anything to do with his child. I won't judge him, and it's certainly his own personal business, but it takes a pretty cold fish to write off their own flesh and blood. On this positive side, he is making child support payments. Oh well.................
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Old 29th September 2003, 2:26 PM   #4
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Okay, as stupid as people might think I am, the issue here isn't whether or not I am worried about having to pay this loan if my boyfriend doesn't. He has a car loan and two credit cards to pay off right not (he doesn't have the credit cards anymore) and just wants to consolidate to have one loan payment instead of 3 payments. Anyways, the issue I'm concerned about is what this will do to his relationship as well as my relationship with his mother. She hasn't said much to me and I think it has more to do with the baby than my boyfriend's money control. My boyfriend's brother and girlfriend and a few of his aunts make it a point to stop over when the baby is there and I don't. I did once but since my boyfriend doesn't want a relationship with this kid, I don't feel that I need to either so I don't participate in the little visitation that his mother gets. I'm worried that if we move out together and/or I co-sign this loan it will permanently jeopardize any possible relationship with his mother that we'll have in the future.
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Old 3rd October 2003, 10:21 AM   #5
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well, the loan is just a matter of converience right? I would not recommend getting into any long term financial arrangements unless you're married. Too many times i've seen these things cause a relationship problem or become a major headache should the relationship end. I too wonder why your man is so agianst even seeing his child. As far a jeopardizing a relationship with his mom. Seems like a possibily but who knows.
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