The whole story of me and my sorta ex getting sorta back together after 8 years apart

[lonley_heart]

I think there is a question or two to be found in this post, but it's kind of broad and I don't know how to articulate a specific question, and it's not really a vent either. I just want to lay out the situation I am in with this man, M., and our history. I would appreciate any feedback or advice if you are inclined to read this very long post. I've posted a couple questions regarding sex on the sex board and got only one or two responses, so I hope someone will read this and give me something.

 

I think my general question is, is it okay for me to allow myself to get emotionally invested in this 'relationship', even if I don't think I want one, or should I make an effort to keep my feelings in check, or am I really just fooling myself that I have any control over it anyway? I'm not sure why my feelings are starting to change a bit about him -sometimes I feel like - butterflies. Other times it's just lust and sex with him that matters to me. Whatever it is, I am definitely preoccupied with him. I still have feelings for him, the ones that I always did for all the years since we were together. They are sort of affectionate feelings, I guess. Kind of sentimental and romantic?

 

Because when we were together way back when, before my kids, he was sort of like my hero. I was in an abusive relationship at the time. I chose to stay with my boyfriend and cheated on him with M. (who was my boyfriend's cousin). Also, M. was married with young children at the time. He still lived with his wife (and with his mom and dad - and his mom openly despised me), but they were no longer having sex or even sleeping in the same bed. I justified to myself that I was cheating on my boyfriend to sort of even the score because he was so controlling and physically and mentally abusive. Don't ask me why I didn't leave the relationship. It was strange, though, because I think in the back of my mind it was also flipped. I felt I deserved the crappy treatment by my boyfriend because I was cheating.

 

I should also say that M. is not the only person that I cheated on my boyfriend with at that time. My boyfriend was an alcoholic and I was also abusing alcohol, drinking almost daily and drinking to blackout a couple times a week. (Many would say I was an alcoholic, too. The only reason I don't identify myself as having been one is that when I finally did decide to stop drinking, I was able to without any problem). So, I met M. at the bar. There was another guy I met at the bar and had sex with for a while, and then yet another man I met at the bar and had a one night stand with. I am pretty ashamed that I acted the way I did. But, M. is who I cared about. He seemed to care about me. We talked all the time and I really felt a connection with him. He was the only man I'd ever been with (aside from my first real boyfriend that I had when I was 21) that showed me respect and acted like he cared about me and was interested in me as a person.

 

One time I came home to find him and my boyfriend both at my house. My roommate had let them in. First M. had shown up and was waiting for me. Then my boyfriend showed up. He wasn't suspicious of M. being there because my roommate happened to be M.'s aunt and it just looked like he was there visiting her. I'd been to town shopping (we live in a very small town in a rural area. The nearest city is 50 miles away). My boyfriend was mad that I'd gone to town without telling him or saying when I'd be back. We went in my bedroom and a fight started. He hit me a couple of times and M. heard it. He was going to burst in the room and intervene but my roommate stopped him, telling him that 'they do that all the time' and it's no big deal. He told me this later. From then on he tried to talk me into leaving my boyfriend. I still don't know why I didn't do it. I do remember that being together with M. wasn't an option. He wasn't going to leave his marriage, even though he wasn't sleeping with her anymore. And his mother hated me because of our 'having an affair'. To add to the drama my boyfriend's sister and M.'s other girl cousins confronted M. and me at the bar one time, threatening to beat me up. Because I was cheating on my boyfriend, with M. and they had loyalty to M.'s wife. The only reason they didn't jump me is because M. stopped them. I don't know why none of them - or any of the many other people who knew about us - never told my boyfriend about us, but as far as I know he never did find out, but he figured it out by what happened next: me and my boyfriend got into a fight and I got a black eye. When M. saw it he went and got into a fight with my boyfriend. A couple punches and intimidation, threatening to **** him up if he hit me again. My boyfriend accused me of messing around on him with M. and I denied it; I'm sure he didn't believe me. So at the end I got in a really bad fight with my boyfriend and the police came. I had broken up with him before but we always got back together. This time we didn't get back together because soon after that is when I had the one-night stand. Crazy- I got pregnant from the one-night stand. (My boyfriend and I hadn't had sex in a long time because he had no sex drive due to his drinking. The timing wasn't right for the other guy, and M. had had a vasectomy.)

 

Once I found out I was pregnant I didn't go back to my boyfriend, I quit drinking, of course, and I had to tell M. I'm sure he was mad or hurt that I'd slept with someone else, but what could he say about it, and we parted as friends and with no bad feelings - I thought. I always thought about him, remembered him fondly as the only decent guy I'd ever been involved with. I had my daughter then I got involved with another man when she was 2 months old. My new boyfriend and I were at the bar and I saw M. He was sitting at the bar and I was happy to see him because I thought we were friends. I came and sat on the bar stool next to him and said hi. He said hi, and then gestured to my boyfriend across the room and asked, "is that your old man, now?" I told him yes and he said, "Maybe you'd better go sit with him then". It felt like a slap in the face and I realized that either he didn't respect me as much as I thought, or he'd finally come to lose respect for me. I didn't blame him at all. The way I'd behaved in those months was disgusting. Anyway I never talked to him again after that.

 

I got pregnant with my 2nd daughter when my 1st was 5 months old. My boyfriend and I broke up while I was still pregnant. I haven't had a boyfriend or sex with anyone since that break-up. That was seven years ago. My kids are 6 and 7 years old.

 

A couple of months ago I start seeing M. a few times around town and recently said hello to him when he was walking by my house. He just said hello and that was it. Then he started working at the grocery store. So I began striking up conversations with him. He tells me that he walks by my house every day. I say, "and you never stop by to say hi?" and he says he will. The next time I'm in the store he hands me a paper with his cell phone #. He says he can't just stop by my house because the other day he saw some guy walking into my house. Guess he was having flashbacks to our times of sneaking around...I tell him it must have been my brother and that I'm not involved with anyone. So he tells me to text him and then he'll have my phone number. So I text him. We text back and forth and talk in the store. Finally I just up and ask him if he wants to come to the house and have a drink and hang out and he says yes. Okay so that's how we've started back up again.

 

Things are completely different now. I have two kids, his three kids are teenagers, he is divorced and his ex-wife and kids live in town, 50 miles away. He does still live with his mom and dad, though.

 

I was feeling so romantic about him, just because of remembering how he wanted to protect me and he tried to beat up my boyfriend and he is so attentive and acts so gentle and romantic! We get along great, like we did before. He just has a cool personality and we get each other's humor, we have this chemistry where we flirt and joke and just kind of feed off each other. And he's so open and talks about his feelings and it's very personal and makes me feel like I can be the same way with him.

 

I thought I wanted to be in a relationship with him, but my feelings have changed in this short time. I don't know if I'm afraid or what it is. I feel like I do want him to be my boyfriend, but just not all the time, if that makes sense. I don't want it to come to the point where I start having to answer to him. As it stands now, we don't really have a lot of time to spend together because he works full time and often works overtime, like 60 hours a week. And his days off are different every week. I work m-f and he usually works weekends, plus his kids come down almost every weekend. Not only am I not sure I want to get into something serious with him, I'm not at all sure that he wants that with me either. I'm feeling really confused because when I think about that -- that he isn't interested in being serious I start to feel sad and hurt and really insecure. What I do know is that I want him around - for sex and for affection. But I wonder if I'd truly be better off not being involved with him at all, if I'm just not emotionally 'ready' for any of this. But that's really a moot point I suppose because even if I decide that this is a bad idea, I won't be able to make myself stay away from him.

 

I apologize for this long post. I just mainly wanted to tell my story and find out what people think about it. I know that some of the things I detail in here portray me as a not so good person, the cheating, promiscuity and alcohol abuse. I know this. I truly regret a lot of the things I did in those days. But I've grown a lot and I'm not like that anymore. I welcome your opinions on any of that stuff as well - I just wanted to make clear that I know that stuff was wrong and pretty disgusting before you tell me. Thanks.

[worlybear]

IMO you don't sound ready for a "relationship" just yet!

Focus on meeting and chatting with as many people as possible and wait and see what develops.

[lonley_heart]

Thank you for a response. Sometimes I don't think I'm ready for a relationship either, but how will I ever have a healthy relationship if I don't go and do it? As of now I think I'm going to sort of keep my distance a little bit, and try not to get emotionally attached. But it has been so long and lonely since I've had the attention and affection as well as sex from a man, I don't want to give it up. I'm not going to give that up at this point. I just want to protect my heart if possible. That is my short term plan for this situation.