He always cries and is always hurting, my mother thinks he isn't good enough for me

[Sammy91]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over 5 years and have been friends for 3 years before that. I still love him with all my heart, but there are just so many problems that I don’t know were to start.

 

My mother does not think he is good enough for me, but she has felt that about all my boyfriends, and recently I have realised that she has indirectly made me look at him in a different way. But I really love my mom, she is my best friend.

 

He was brought up with a maid, so he does not now the basics in keeping a house clean; I am always running after him, even though he really tries.

 

He proposed to me, and I said yes, but a few moths later I got held up at gunpoint and he has never replaced my ring, my mother blamed him for being held up and told him if she wanted she could make me not be with him.

 

He pressurises me to have sex, I am happy to have it once in a while, but he wants it all the time, and when he does not get it he gets worked up and continuously wanks. Why do men need sex so much? He says he does not feel good about himself and says he has lost all confidence, that he cant please me anymore. We went away for a really romantic holiday, which we don’t do often and after a romantic evening he wanted sex, but I just did not want him to touch me am I wrong. The next day he did not want kisses or hugs. We did not have sex the whole weekend; I just did not want it and he was really hurt.

 

He always cries and is always hurting, but he says that he can’t be with anyone else. He wants to make it work and is continuously trying, even though I am too confused too try.

 

What do I do

[my_mother's_daughter]

There are 3 main issues here that I can see quite clearly:

 

Sex

Not wanting to have sex as frequently as your boyfriend could indicate something as simple and common as an incompatible sex drive. Not wanting to have sex with your boyfriend ever is something else.

 

It could be a simple lack of any sexual desire, but in this case, more often than not there is a psychological cause underpinning the lack of desire; do you find him sexually attractive? Are the other areas of your life and your apparent uncertainty about your relationship contributing to the lack of desire for sex?

 

You seem also to find your boyfriends need for sexual gratification a little distasteful. Are you comfortable in yourself about sexual matters? Do you see sex as something bad? If your boyfriend truly pressures you into having sex whenever he feels like it, then it's highly possible that you have come to see sex as a chore and as a degrading act where you are forced into the role of unwilling victim.

 

This is a major area of contention, and I would advise that if your boyfriend really forces you to have sex against your will, this is quite clearly rape and is not something you should tolerate any longer. If this is the case, get yourself out of danger and seek professional help.

 

 

Your subservient role

 

Allied to the role of unwilling sex participant, you appear to be this guy's skivvy and counsellor. Brought up with a maid? So what? He is an adult and adults can learn new skills at any age, don't be this guys servant. I imagine this p*ss*s you off more than you let on here.

 

He is always crying?

 

and you provide the shoulder to cry on, in between cleaning up after him and having sex when he demands.

 

 

The overbearing controlling mother

 

This is likely to have a severe effect not only on any relationship but also on your personality. You acknowledge that your mother never likes any of your boyfriends, it could be that she is really insightful, but the fact that you say she said "if she wanted she could make me not be with him" points to a more likely explanation that your mother is displaying a possessive control over you. You don't say how old you are, but you have been in a serious relationship for 5 years now, so I think it's time the apron strings were loosened a little..

 

So, why now?

 

Possibly as the issue of marriage is a prevalent one, you have seriously addressed whether you want to spend the rest of your life in the role that you have defined here: you as an unwilling, subservient control victim: in other words do you want to spend your life playing "the pleaser?"

[Sammy91]

I am 27 years old

 

he does not force me physically, even though he once lost his temper with me, but not sexually.

 

I have told him in the past that he needs to loose weight, because I was not sexually attracted to him. my previous boyfriend had a great body and our sexual relationship was strong.

 

I am not happy in our relationship, so I do not want sex, especially with him.

 

Sex has become a chore for me and I find that I have been doing it for him and not me, the problem is that he sees this and takes it personally.

 

I find that his desires I cant fullfil, he wants me too do things, like anal, and I just dont want too. he says that he would rather not have anal then nothing at all. but it is too late he has already tried and I dont think I can really have it with him. The thaught of him is difficult to imagine. There are times when the mere touch on my body makes me sick.

 

The word sex makes me cringe, he just does not do it for me.

 

yes his lack of interest in our house has made me feel like I must just do everything, I do realise that I cant ask for help, I just dont understand why he cant give it to me. why j=must I always ask. A relationship is 2 sided, he should lnow he must pull his weight but he doesn't.

 

I dont want to be a pleaser with him for the rest of my life. I as a person that likes to please others, I am always pleasing my family and friends, but I just dont feel the need to please him anymore. I have given him enough, and I dont want to do it anymore.

 

My mothers relationship and her controlling my life I will have to deal with in my own way, but know I need her more then ever, she is my pillar of strength, her words are of the few that I will listen too, she is wise. Time will tell.

 

Another big issue that I have with him is that I cant open up to him, we are in the process of trying to make it work, or he is. HE just talks about his part of the relationship pages and pages of information. I just cannot open up to him, I dont trust what he says anymore. I just cannot tell him anything. He beggs me to tell him what I think. We have been trying now for 5 weeks and I still cant tell him what I want or what I feel. I just answer I am too confused. and he still ytries even though I just cant. I know he wants me to tell him, I just cant trust he will understand. I may be too worried of how he will feel and hurt.

 

Do you think I should tell him it is over. do you think it is fair not to tell him how I think and how I feel I just want to run away. I wish he would take the hint and leave. give me space to think and continue with my life. I just dont want to deal with his hurt anymore.

[my_mother's_daughter]

Then, Sammy, it seems as though you've solved your problem:

You are not confused about your relationship, you simply don't want him anymore.

 

Don't allow guilt and pity to force you to live a life that would make you (and ultimately others) unhappy.

 

 

Do you think I should tell him it is over. do you think it is fair not to tell him how I think and how I feel I just want to run away. I wish he would take the hint and leave. give me space to think and continue with my life. I just dont want to deal with his hurt anymore.

 

If you don't tell him, he won't know. Wanting to run away is a common reaction when faced with a task we really don't want to carry out, but you must. If this is what you want, then you must. But if you don't want him, don't tell him you need space, and time to think: tell him it's over. Anything else would cause more hurt in the long run.

 

No, no-one likes having to deal with the effects of hurt on someone else. But you know you have to "do the right thing."