Not enough in common... enough to end a long term relationship?

[akeshabelle]

My boyfriend and I have always gotten on like the best of friends, and I do love him dearly, since the beginning of the year things had been great for us, but over the past 3 months or so I've come to realise that we have completely different interests (more different than I had always thought) and it's become a problem for me.

 

We go out shopping on weekend days, but really nothing else. I have suggested things like bowling, ice skating and going to the beach but he always finds a reason why he doesn't like those things... he won't go to the beach with me because he hasn't lost the weight he has been promising to lose for the past 7 years.

 

I end up attending a lot of social events on my own. If I get invited out I am always encouraged to bring him along too, but he never comes because he "won't know anyone".

 

Even if I go out to the shopping centre around the corner from our house after work to do some shopping, and I suggest he meet me for a nice dinner he says no. He always says it in a nice way ("I'm home and relaxed, I don't want to go out again") but it's still rejection for me.

 

When we are home he is either on the computer, watching tv or writing in one of his hobby books. I can't have any kind of a conversation with him because he is always too busy typing, writing or watching something on tv, and tells me "I can't do this and listen to you at the same time".

 

I don't want to tell him how I feel because I don't want him to do things with me because he feels like he has to... I have been waiting for the day when he actually WANTS to do something with me but it never seems to come.

 

I love him but I feel like the years of my life are flashing by like wasted seconds and I don't know what to do. As I said I really don't want him to change because he feels like he has to, it just hurts me that naturally we have such different interests.

[carhill]

So, tell us about what you do together rather than what you don't. For example, stbx and I were dynamite in the kitchen and we gardened well together and enjoyed traveling together. You can do all those things but still be incompatible for an *intimate* relationship. How's the *intimacy* part of your relationship?

[akeshabelle]

So, tell us about what you do together rather than what you don't. For example, stbx and I were dynamite in the kitchen and we gardened well together and enjoyed traveling together. You can do all those things but still be incompatible for an *intimate* relationship. How's the *intimacy* part of your relationship?

 

Well... not much, really. As I said we go shopping on weekend days and that's nice, but he doesn't come to concerts with me (I am a huge music fan) and he is always talking about how we can't afford to travel even though he knows I desperately want to... and we CAN afford it, he just doesn't want to part with the money.

 

Don't get me wrong there is a lot of love there... when he does actually pay attention to me he is very affectionate and caring, but sometimes I feel like I am not even there. I come home every night, cook for us, do the dishes (he NEVER offers) and go to bed alone while he sits up on the computer. I feel like I am 60 years old and we have been married for 40 years. I don't like feeling like this at 28.

 

I never thought it was possible to be in a relationship and feel so lonely..

Edited August 3, 2010 by akeshabelle

[Kamille]

 

 

 

I don't want to tell him how I feel because I don't want him to do things with me because he feels like he has to... I have been waiting for the day when he actually WANTS to do something with me but it never seems to come.

 

 

Rule number one of relationships: communicate your needs.

 

He wouldn't be doing it because he has to, but because your relationship is important to him too.

 

So, before you throw the towell, you owe it to both of you to speak up about this.

[carhill]

What I'm hearing is that his 'inaction' is affecting your feelings of intimacy, like he's not paying proper attention to 'us' time. I recall, early on, some simple 'us' time was stbx laying on the couch with her feet propped up on me reading a book, while I surfed on my laptop. We weren't 'doing' anything together, but were together. I usually screwed it up by interrogating her about the book

 

IMO, if you don't *feel* like a couple, then it's hard to maintain the desire and attraction to *be* a couple. Talk with him about that, using positive statements. IOW, don't tell him what he's doing 'wrong', tell him what makes you feel *connected* to him. A man who loves his partner will listen and give her *feedback* and promote *intimacy* by his responses to her sharing her feelings. This is a two way street. Ask him how *we* can feel more connected. Make it a team effort.

 

If he's clueless or disinterested, dump him. Life's too short, IMO, but I'm an old fart

[akeshabelle]

Well actually, therein lies my problem... I don't think I want to.

 

I have no desire to fix anything. And, I don't know what that means, or why it's happened...?

 

I'm so confused because I do love him, but on the other hand I feel a little empty. It's like I'm not even IN a relationship anymore

[carhill]

This is a question a therapist would ask you:

 

Do you fear being alone? Unconnected, unvalidated, undesired? Why?

 

Sometimes, to meet our own real or perceived needs, we make a deal with the devil.

 

Clarifying your feelings, accepting *your* role in that dynamic, and communicating how you feel and what you want to your partner is the first step to building/re-building healthy intimacy or, as it was for us, building a healthy path to ending the relationship. Either path can be a positive growth experience. You *choose* how to walk the path. Hope it works out

[Els]

Well... not much, really. As I said we go shopping on weekend days and that's nice, but he doesn't come to concerts with me (I am a huge music fan) and he is always talking about how we can't afford to travel even though he knows I desperately want to... and we CAN afford it, he just doesn't want to part with the money.

 

Don't get me wrong there is a lot of love there... when he does actually pay attention to me he is very affectionate and caring, but sometimes I feel like I am not even there. I come home every night, cook for us, do the dishes (he NEVER offers) and go to bed alone while he sits up on the computer. I feel like I am 60 years old and we have been married for 40 years. I don't like feeling like this at 28.

 

I never thought it was possible to be in a relationship and feel so lonely..

 

Is shopping truly the only thing you guys enjoy doing together? I'm not a big proponent of 'perfectly compatible Rs' because I know they don't exist - there WILL be discrepancy of interests, values, preferences, etc. But it sounds like you guys have nothing in common at all? How did you meet? What did you do on your date nights when you first met? How about the sex and, like carhill asked, intimacy?

[akeshabelle]

This is a question a therapist would ask you:

Do you fear being alone? Unconnected, unvalidated, undesired? Why?

 

Very much so. I'm not sure why. When I was growing up I had an abusive father who would always get drunk and tell me I was never going to amount to anything. I blame him for my complete lack of self esteem and confidence and sometimes I feel like my bf is the only one who loves me and will love me, even though I am fully aware that's not the case.

 

Is shopping truly the only thing you guys enjoy doing together? I'm not a big proponent of 'perfectly compatible Rs' because I know they don't exist - there WILL be discrepancy of interests, values, preferences, etc. But it sounds like you guys have nothing in common at all? How did you meet? What did you do on your date nights when you first met? How about the sex and, like carhill asked, intimacy?

 

I feel like it is. If we go somewhere he wants to go, I usually wait in the car because I am bored, and vice versa.

 

We met at a game of our football team - the one big thing we do have in common. Date nights we just sat around and watched dvds. The sex is not a lot, and it's always him initiating it. I wouldn't care if we never had sex again.

 

Oh, there is also a 17 year age difference. He is 45 and I'm 28... if that matters at all.

[Els]

...What, you don't care if you never had sex again?? Why??

[akeshabelle]

...What, you don't care if you never had sex again?? Why??

 

Just like the feeling of why I have no desire to sort things out - I DON'T KNOW.

 

Sometimes I feel as though he has become much more of a friend/brother to me, but I am also petrified to lose him because I am scared no one will ever love me like that again, and we have been together for 7 years... I've gotten myself into a very comfortable little routine. Do you think that could be it?? I just feel.. ugh, so... unfeeling!

[Els]

Have you always felt like this? Earlier in the R? With other Rs?

[akeshabelle]

Have you always felt like this? Earlier in the R? With other Rs?

 

No... I don't think so. Even after the relationship had ended we continued the intimacy in past relationships.

 

Here's my take on it. I was only 21 when we started dating. I often think I didn't really know what I was getting myself into dating a man nearly 2 decades my senior, and that I was just smitten and in awe of his wisdom and worldy ways... perhaps even not attracted to him as a boyfriend at all, but more as someone to take care of me. When we met I was going through a very rough time. Describing me as tender and vulnerable is an enormous understatement.

 

Now all these years later as I am gaining confidence (slowly) and growing more and more into the person I am going to be, I have changed, and my feelings for him have changed along with it. But I am feeling guilty because he was there for me when I was going through that rough time, and even though he has done nothing wrong, my feelings aren't the same anymore due to my natural growth.

 

If that makes ANY sense??? I have gone over this crap in my head over and over and over.

 

Anyway I just feel like his constant time spent on the computer/tv/books/never wanting to do anything with me is just pushing me right away... or am I looking to use it as an excuse??? UGH. My head is spinning.

[RedDevil66]

he's 20 yrs older than you?

[akeshabelle]

he's 20 yrs older than you?

 

No I said nearly 2 decades. He's 17 years older than me.

[carhill]

Oh, there is also a 17 year age difference. He is 45 and I'm 28... if that matters at all.

 

Yes, this can matter, depending on your emotional/psychological compatibility. You are, literally, in different places in life. He could be going through a MLC (mid life crisis) and is caving to figure it out. Myself, at 51, would be looking forward to marriage and having children with someone of your age group but all men are different and we have different intrinsic personalities. Compatibility is the key word and I've probably over-used it.

 

An older man has more life experience and, generally, patience, something which is helpful in supporting you as you work through your own issues from the past and your childhood. Caution: Your partner is not your therapist. If you feel these issues are impacting your relationship, seek professional help and support for them. A loving partner will empathize and support you in your efforts. I waited too long in my marriage to get proper professional help (different issues than yours but of equal importance to a relationship) and this delay impacted the marriage negatively.

[MsSydneyLane]

I still think you need to communicate your feelings to him. He needs to know what's going on inside you. Keeping things or delaying in telling him of how you feel right now will either complicate matters in the future.

 

I wouldn't care if we never had sex again.

 

Oh, there is also a 17 year age difference. He is 45 and I'm 28... if that matters at all.

 

There is some reason why you don't have this desire for him. Is it because he is not good? He does not satisfy you? excite you? There's someone else you fantasize? Has he hurt you?

 

It just seems to me that you have given up. You don't want to fight for this relationship to work anymore. There is a reason for this.

[akeshabelle]

It just seems to me that you have given up. You don't want to fight for this relationship to work anymore. There is a reason for this.

 

I think you're right, and that's what I'm trying to figure out myself.

 

I remember early last year, we had a fight. He is always teasing me whenever I get mad, saying I must be due for my period. I HATE IT but I always laughed it off. This one day I snapped back, telling him to stop saying such things because he sounds like a pig and he yelled and pointed his finger in my face, telling me to never f'ing call him a pig again. I thought I was the one that deserved the apology as although I have asked him numerous times to stop saying the period thing, he continues to say it like he doesn't take my feelings seriously at all, but even though I felt this way, I apologised to him.

 

I remember getting out of bed that night and crying loudly into a living room pillow for what seemed like hours. Things haven't quite been the same for me since then...

[sugarmomma]

You were 21 and he was 38 when you met. He knew what he was doing considering you yourself admitted that you were vulnerable and going through a hard time. He saw this as an opportunity instead of being a supportive friend to you. I know at 21 I didn't have a clue of who I was or what my needs were or what I wanted in a mate. You will not get this time back so don't waste the rest of your fruitful years with someone that doesn't want to do things with you. People who care about their r compromise and negotiate. He isn't willing which leaves you with no choice except to face your fears of being alone (it really isn't that bad in fact it has been the best thing I did for myself) and find out who you want to become. Besides who wants to be with someone old enough to be their father? Personally, I don't.

 

You don't owe him anything and you shouldn't be riddled with the guilt. Guilt demands punishment.

 

Go out and live your life. Time is the most valuable commodity we human have. You don't get a do over.

Edited August 3, 2010 by sugarmomma

[Kamille]

You don't owe him anything and you shouldn't be riddled with the guilt.

 

I do agree with this. You do not owe him anything. Don't let guilt and fear paralyze your thinking on this.

 

I do still think, however, that you should tell him what's bothering you. But first. let's figure why you don't want to communicate with him.

 

People who care about their r compromise and negotiate. He isn't willing

 

That's the thing though, it sounds like he doesn't even know she would like him to want to do more things with her. You can only compromise and negotiate on issues once you're aware of them. If I want my partner to be more romantic but never let him know I want him to be more romantic, there isn't much he can do about it, right?

 

Akhesabelle, you mention one example where your bf doesn't take your feelings into consideration. I wonder if your lack of desire to bring up what you want out of relationship is caused by the fact that negotiating on small things is difficult in your R? In that sense, you avoid speaking up for yourself so as to avoid conflict? You therefore would rather give up on the R than do the work to save it?

[akeshabelle]

Akhesabelle, you mention one example where your bf doesn't take your feelings into consideration. I wonder if your lack of desire to bring up what you want out of relationship is caused by the fact that negotiating on small things is difficult in your R? In that sense, you avoid speaking up for yourself so as to avoid conflict? You therefore would rather give up on the R than do the work to save it?

 

I am ashamed to admit I gave up communicating my feelings to him a long time ago.

 

I found that whenever I confronted him about something he would tell me he didn't have time for this "drama". He is also a big enforcer of the silent treatment, sometimes that would go on for days. If I do or say something that insults or upset him, he punishes and punishes and punishes until I am worn down to a nub. It's not worth the bullsh*t so basically I just gave up. I don't bother anymore. He always does it in a joking way though so I can't really get mad... if that makes sense? I just hold it all inside and try to deal with it with whatever outlet I possibly can.

 

I realise how unhealthy this is, believe me.

[Brady_to_Moss]

Sounds like another winner here on LS!

[akeshabelle]

Sounds like another winner here on LS!

 

What are you talking about?

 

Me?

Him?

The relationship?