Sunflower Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 Hey everyone, I am sure we all know the "I am not ready for a relationship at this time" speech in some form or other. My question is, and please care to enlighten me, has anyone actually ended up with the person who gave that speech? As in he/she really meant that they were not ready but someday after some time they really were planning to take that extra step? NOT because they were just trying to keep their options open? Are there real circumstances that do hold you back from a relationship/marriage that have nothing to do with stringing that person along until the RIGHT person appears? Like can you tell with their actions after that oh so lovely talk whether they plan to seriously stay with you at some point versus ah, the big brushoff, or friends with benefits, nothing more type of thing? I have such a complex about this topic because I have been hurt many times by it but I am wondering if the next time someone happens to say this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. But for now I need a break with the dating. Whew. thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 Hi Sunflower, Personally I haven't had any happy circumstances come out of the "I am not ready" speech. To give you a little insight of my own, usually the "I am not ready" speech means that that person is not ready for YOU. I learned this just this past year because I was dating a guy and after not being very happy with the way things were going, I declared that I just wasn't ready for a stiffling, committed relationship. That's how I viewed it with HIM even though I truly believed it stemmed from myself. Then it all changed when I realized that my closest guy friend was "the one". However, I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and that I had issues and that he probably didn't want to get involved with me on that level. Prior to this, we were very close friends for about 4 months before and he told me I was worth the wait and he would wait for me. Well, my heart fell. He is such a great guy and I saw how stupid I would be if I let him go so I got my act together really fast. There are still some residual issues that I tackle but I talk openly to him about them and keep in mind that he is so worth it all. At least in my case, I WANTED to be in relationship with him and WANTED to be smothered by him even though I felt I wasn't ready. It just made me get my act together because he is the best. When you meet "the one", you'll know and he'll know and you'll do anything to be together. It inspires one to be their best and want to do the best for the other person. Don't worry and be patient. He'll come along. Link to post Share on other sites
beaker Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 That speech is often just an excuse. "Sorry, I'm just not interested in you that way" can be hard to say... therefore too many people never say it. "This is a bad time for me" or "I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone right now" makes a convenient substitute, albeit one that can be tragically misleading if phrased poorly enough. I don't mean to say that it's never true. Someone who will soon be moving away or who has just suffered through a traumatic or emotionally draining experience may well have no interest in a new relationship regardless of who asks. However, given the number of times this speech gets used, I think those circumstances are the exception. If you're talking about pre-existing relationships where one partner doesn't wish to take the next step, whether it be moving in together or getting married or something else, then I think that can be different. Sometimes those people still wish to play the field and string someone along at the same time, but it can also be a resistance to giving up part of one's independance that is quite normal. It's an idea that takes some getting used to, and doesn't necessarily mean that person isn't committed to their partner or is looking for an excuse to get out. One thing I do know for certain is that there is no way to infallibly know what someone means based on their body language or scraps of conversation. It's far too open to interpretation. Guessing if there is light at the end of the tunnel will just be a guess unless you ask the person directly where they think things are going. If you phrase it gently enough and manage to make clear that you won't go ballistic if you don't get the answer you want, then you should be able to extract an honest answer from just about anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunflower Posted July 16, 2003 Author Share Posted July 16, 2003 Thanks, for the detailed responses. And Leikela it's wonderful that things worked out between your buddy and you. A few more questions though. If someone said all that stuff, but then said they would ask you to wait but felt bad doing that, but REALLY wanted you to wait, is that still an "easy let down" as well? I mean the guy went as far as to tell me I was the type of woman he wanted to marry, no exaggeration, and that he could explain to me till he got blue in the face why he can't jump into a relationship right now but I would never understand and that he still wanted to spend time with me until the moment was right. I told him I just didn't trust him to wait, and he got really bummed. The thing is he really goes out of his way to keep in touch and see me, even come visit me ( I turned him down about 3 or 4 times)so I don't know what is up with that. That's why I am wondering if I should let go of my past hurts, and see this one differently. Or are they just sweet nothngs so I need to step back before I get hurt again. I am really afraid to open my heart again, and I hate it, but I am just so scared. Which is why I am thinking, maybe I need a break. Any more opinions would be appreciated. Thanks guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 Hi Sunflower, Only YOU can really make that determination. We cannot tell you what this guy is thinking or if he is really sincere. It is understandable why you are afraid to open up again. However, just follow your instincts. If you feel he is being sincere, then trust that. If you want to step back, then step back. I think maybe if he told you WHY he isn't ready for a relationship, you might have a better understanding of the situation. In the meantime, you are left in the dark to his reasons. His reasons COULD help you with your decision. If finding out his reasons isn't possible, then just follow your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 i don't think it's always b/c they don't want to be with YOU. some people just aren't ready, and they say so, because they're honest enough. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
beaker Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 I find this situation very peculiar. On the one hand he says he's not ready for a relationship, which as stated in the replies above can indeed be a legitimate excuse under some circumstances. On the other hand, he has no problem asking you to hang around at the expense of your emotional health until he is ready, and has sufficient energy and enthusiasm to pursue you quite relentlessly despite seemingly incompatible claims of not being "ready" himself. Something is not right here. People who are not "ready" thanks to some emotional trauma don't pursue people the way he has been pursuing you. Also, people who aren't ready for more mundane reasons (too busy at work, moving away soon, medical reason etc.) don't normally dodge the question the way he has. So what is his problem? He has claimed he could explain things to you until he was blue in the face and you still wouldn't understand, but that's just a smokescreen he used (successfully) to get himself off the hook. Since you are the one being asked to make the real sacrifice here and hang around at his convenience, you have every right to know exactly what the issue is so you can judge for yourself whether it warrants the risk and inconvenience. Perhaps when he explains things there will be some complex issue that validates his behaviour; perhaps he has a questionable problem that he knows you won't accept as a valid reason ("I have a bad case of penile warts that I want to clear up before we start seeing each other"); perhaps he has no reason and is playing you like a violin. Refusing to even try telling you because you "wouldn't understand" is insulting, and probably dishonest as well. As far as I can tell, you were already aware of most or perhaps all of this. However, when you did the right thing and asked him for an explanation he made things so awkward that you've been intimidated out of asking him again. Now you want to know if there is some way to get through his blocks and parries and know if this guy is legit based on body language etc. Unfortunately there is not, and now you're going to have to bite the bullet and ask him again. Just remember that YOU are the one who is being asked to put it on the line here and assume all the risk. For him to expect this of you and not even provide an explanation is outrageously rude and insensitive. If he continues to prevaricate, show a little self-respect and politely show him the door. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunflower Posted July 24, 2003 Author Share Posted July 24, 2003 Beaker, Leikela, yes thank your for your feedback. Turns out the guy was a jerk. He was dating someone, was in the beginning of relationship with her AND also hanging out with me. "Can you wait?" my freaking a**. And what a soap opera. I found this out through my dear MOTHER. The girlfriend's sister works for her and this "lovely" man was brought up, and my mom nearly choked on her coffee after the details cuz she knew I was er "dating" him. Yeah whatever. I confronted him, turns out to have been the truth, the man started blabbering and said he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. Oh boy, been there done that. yeah I was very hurt and very angry. But at least I know the next time I hear this speech again, I am not even going to pause to even reflect on it. Move on, next! Grr... Thanks you guys though. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 Sorry Glad you found out he was a jerk though Link to post Share on other sites
beaker Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 edit: never mind, you beat me to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts