His Baby

[Al]

My boyfriend has a baby with another woman. She went off of birth control and didn't tell him and he didn't find out she was pregnant until after they broke up and even then there was an issue of whether or not it was even his. Well it is his (tests were done) but due to many conflicts and issues with the mother, he has not talked to her since their child support appointment. He wants nothing to do with the child but his mother sees her every other weekend for a few hours. I do not know this girl but know enough to know that I dislike her. I received email messages for 5 months from her trying to break us up and those only stopped when my boyfriend's mother started seeing the baby and I've also had to give a statement to police b/c she accused by boyfriend of assualting her when he was with me the whole night. I know that a child shouldn't have to grow up without a father and that the child didn't ask to be here but I was wondering if there are other people in this type of situation and if so, how are you dealing with it?

[yes]

I'm not in your situation, but .... would it be possible for your bf to see the kid without having contact with the kid's mother? e.g. your bf's mother picks up the kid & drops him/her off.

 

good luck

-yes

[Al]

That option he feels is unreasonable. His mother does see the baby w/o him having contact with her mother but only b/c his mother informs him of when they are coming so he can leave the house. This girl has done so many things to try and get him back besides having this baby, like emailing me for five months trying to break us up, that he doesn't want to give this girl false hopes. He thought it would be best to not be involved so that the girl would realize he's not coming back and move on with her life. Then maybe the baby would have a stepfather who would want to be there for her and my boyfriend could have a life and family of his own. Once again, not fair to the baby that's here now but he doesn't see a way of not having contact with the mother or her family.

[zingy]

that sucks! how selfish can this guy be to depreive this innocent baby of his biological daddy just because he wants the mother to learn a lesson?

 

ugggh...i would dump this guys ass..what if somewhere down the road you got pregnant and further down the road you two split up then where does that leave THAT baby???

 

yeah it is all good and everything that he pays child support, but, court ordered or otherwise...

 

but believe me he is doing such an unfair justice to his child that later in life he will either regret, or the child will grow up hating him for.

 

he way not care now, but he needs to think of this baby instead of his own selfish needs...

 

that baby did nothing to bring this on, but the baby is ohhhh soooooo definitely being punished for his mothers stupidity...

 

i say all this because i grew up without a father..i do not even know his name, never heard it, never new diddly about him..

 

i am now 46 and to this day i hurt inside from what i was deprived from because my mom lied to me about who my dad was, and when i found the supposed father to me, he told me the truth, and i believed him because the time tables all made sense...

 

that baby can grow up with such insecurities, psychological problems, etc...just because his daddy wanted nothing to do with him??

 

how truly sad for that baby....i hope he/she finds someone in it's life to feel such an empty gap..... :sick:

[yes]

well, i don't know what to say - i don't have any children and my only ex my had a child was married to the mother...

 

perhaps it's best for him not to have contact with the baby for now, and after a year or more, the baby's mother will move on, and then your bf can get a chance to be a father to his child.

 

good luck,

-yes

[clia]

I think it's terrible that your boyfriend wants nothing to do with his child. I don't think this says much about his character.

 

Then maybe the baby would have a stepfather who would want to be there for her and my boyfriend could have a life and family of his own.

 

Nice that he wants to put his parenting responsibilities on another guy.

 

He can go to court and get a visitation schedule/arrangements set up. I understand that he doesn't want to see the mother, but this kind of thing can be minimized. You may even be able to get an officer of the court to handle him picking up and dropping off the child. There are options here. He should get a lawyer and figure out what his are.

[Al]

Look, I know what it is like to not know who your real father is. Believe it or not, I don't know mine but my mother found a great guy when I was two who adopted me and treated me like his own. Granted, there are times when I wonder what my biological father is like but it takes more than DNA to be a father. If he really didn't want to be there, then don't you think it was better that he wasn't? I do. I'm glad that I got to grow up with two parents who loved me and wanted to be there for me and my boyfriend wants the same for his daughter. He would rather have the mother move on and have his daughter grow up with people who love her than to put her through the arguing, etc. that would happen if he was involved. Don't you think that's one way of looking out for the child? Why force someone to be there if they truly don't want to be no matter how wrong you think it might be? I'm just watching this situation from the outside with no say in it but if you were in love with someone wouldn't you stand by their decisions?

[Stone]

I was the other girl in your situation for a very long time ( to an extent) My son's father never wanted anything to do with him and I tried to force him to ( I couldn't understand why he didn't love our child and hoped if he was around him he would learn to love him) and you can not fault her for that she's trying to create a bond between that father and child. If the grandmother want's to be in the child's life she and the child deserves it. It's not the grandmother's fault they didn't work out in their relationship.

 

But later in life the daughter will still wonder about her dad, maby it's better the grandmother is their for the mother's sake she needs help I'm sure ( being a single mother is verry hard, and your boyfriend should pay child support!) Chances are she will find somebody else and have a stepfather for the baby adventually then maby she'll make the best decision for the child and your b/f may be able to give up right's,but I assure you it will come back to haunt him later maby 20 years from now when his/if his daughter call's him one day to ask him WHY

 

This is verry hard for children unfortuantly this is the way the world is now, most children don't have both their natural parents living with them But it shouldn't mean that they don't love them.

 

I certinally hope you never want to have kids with this man, what will happen to your child if he get's mad and doesn't want you anymore? The same thing! you may not think so but it will nomatter how he feels about the mother........it's the way he feels about kids to.

[midori]

from what Al has said it sounds like the mother of the baby has been trying to use her child to tie Al's boyfriend to her. She does have a blatant agenda to get him back in her life. And to hear Al tell it, it sounds like the pregnancy was no mere accident, but something the mother deliberately and deceptively pursued. You don't go off birth control and just "forget" to mention it to your partner.

 

I agree that the father ought to be there for his child, but if that means perpetuating the mother's delusions about getting back together, perhaps he's doing the right thing for the time being.

 

He could be doing other things, unbeknownst to the mother, like setting up a bank account for the kid.

 

I hate to see fathers abandon their families. But when it wasn't the father's choice to have a child in the first place it's a bit harder to expect him to fully embrace fatherhood (he's still somewhat responsible, but the bulk of the decisions were made unilaterally by the mother). Of course he still has some legal and financial obligations to the child, regardless of his wishes. But bear in mind that the mother is not allowing him to simply be a father to their child; she has the explicit agenda of him being her partner again. She's not going to let him just be a nice dad to her kid, a nice dad with a separate life that has nothing to do with the mother's.

 

Al, since paternity has been established and your boyfriend is paying child support, why can't he petition for visitation that will be structured in such a way that he doesn't have to see the mother? That would send a clear message to her that he doesn't want to have anything to do with her.

[Al]

Is it really possible to have visitation of a child w/o having contact with the mother and not having the police involved in some way? Wouldn't it be more damaging to a child to have a police officer help with transfer? You are right that the mom has quite the agenda. When the emails trying to break my boyfriend and I up didn't work, she accused him of assualt and we both had to give statements to the police department. Now the messages finally stopped when his mom starting having visitation of the child. He doesn't trust this girl and her intentions so isn't it better to not be involved?

[yes]

police officer wouldn't be too good i agree - which is why i suggested your bf's mom should do the job.

 

why not speak to a lawyer to see what's possible?

 

-yes

[Al]

The funny thing is, is that I work for a lawyer's office that handles family law and I see the crazy situations that can come of having kids when relationships fall apart. He distrusts this girl SO much that he's more afraid of having to deal with her, having his daughter see/hear them not getting along, or the mother telling the little girl things that aren't true about him than he is of just walking away from it all and just paying his support as required. He knows that it takes two to make a baby and that it wasn't just the mother's responsibility regarding birth control. But I know quite a few guys that would agree that if you are in that state in your relationship, most would believe their girlfriend if they said that they were on the pill. He wanted to give the baby up for adoption if it was his (remember they didn't know until the baby was born and tests were done) but the mother wouldn't even discuss it. She said that he would change his mind once he saw his baby. Now that things aren't working out, she tells him that if he would have been around during the pregnancy she would have looked for adoption options with him. Don't you think this girl is still up to her old tricks b/c I can't convince my boyfriend otherwise.

[Stone]

you can file a restraining order aganst the mother, and then file for visitations with the baby. When granted there will be structured pickup/drop off arangements ( maby the grandmother can help) and if she tries to speak, contact, assult him she will go to jail! OR

Drop off/ visitation can be held at a public place ( ordered by the court ) both parties have to be on time with visitation and rules or they are in contempt of court.

 

If a restraining order doesnt wrok look for injunction for protection depending wich state you live in.

[Al]

See all of you are assuming that I can change his mind if he doesn't have to deal with the mother but I don't think it's possible. The reasons being is that he could easily visit with the baby when his mother has her after the ex gf leaves but he chooses not to. The longest he's been with the baby is when I met her for the first time and we stayed for a couple hours. Otherwise he doesn't go anywhere near the baby if he doesn't have to. The mother now claims that she is sick and may be dying and she wants to give custody to her sister (pending some sort of test results) and he is more than willing to let the sister adopt the child. I think this will only cause more confusion for this child since my bf's mother still plans to be in her life. How do you explain why someone is a grandmother but there is no father around? Now don't get my wrong, I don't think my bf's mother shouldn't see the baby, its her choice, but I believe things are getting more complicated for all of them as time goes on and I don't think he sees that.