Is my boyfriend being insensitive by telling me these things?

[xm123]

Hi. Was hoping you could give me some honest opinions about whether im over reacting. Or if my boyfriend should really be telling me these things, or if he's only being honest... Quite long but please read

 

Basically I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year and a half. And through out the time we have being together, he's had a habit of telling me not so flattering this that other guys tell him about me.

 

There a lot of incidents, they happen quite often, Obviously I can't mention them all but here are a few examples...

 

When we first met, he told me of when he first saw me, he commented to friends of his about me and asked them what they thought, which they replied 'Nah she's not nice'. He also told me not long after we started seeing eachother, that another friend of his saw us walking together one time, and his friend said to him that I have a 'fat arse' (I'm from the UK !).

 

A couple of months ago my boyfriend's cousin started dating a new girl, and when they were talking about her his cousin said 'She's better than your girlfriend', and of course as always my boyfriend was happy to mention that !

 

My boyfriend has this thing about my forehead, as in he think its too big (I know that sounds funny lol). Now my forhead isn't 'small', but it isnt noticeable, no one else has ever mentioned it, i never really noticed until him, and I don't look like Frankenstein ... He always makes remarks and suggests I should get a fringe but in my hair. One time when he was coming over I decided to do something a bit different to look nice, I curled the ends of my hair into big waves and put it up into a ponytail, I thought it was a nice style. My boyfriend came over and noticed my hair and said 'Ohh you've done your hair!', but he kept looking back up at my forehead and he eventually said 'Baby you know i love u and that, but that forehead...' That hurt and I'll never wear my hair up again now ... We also got onto the topic of plastic surgery once while we were chatting, and I said id never really thought about it before but if i had to get something done I suppose it would be my nose. And he said if he was me, he wouldn't bother getting that done and then asked if there's any such procedure where they can lower your hairline....

 

The most recent was just yesterday. My boyfriend just got a new camera, and we were testing it out together, taking silly pictures, and there was one where he took a close up of me sticking my tongue out and crossing my eyes, and he told me he'd shown his brother that picture. I started laughing and said to him 'Oh my god I can't believe you showed him that one! I bet he said 'Eww what a minger!'' and just laughed it off. My boyfriend replied 'Nooo... he says your not all that and nothing special, don't think he thinks your 'ugly' though'

 

Also on the few times when he says anything nice himself, or I say im feeling a bit down about how i look, he will always say 'You look nice to me'.... Never 'Gorgeous' or 'Beautiful' or 'Hot', always 'nice', and there will always be a 'to me' on the end

 

I'm not expecting him to lie, and say people say nice things when they don't. But out of the whole time we've been together i've never heard one really nice comment from him, so it just bothers me that he tells me all of the negative stuff that others say.

 

I'm not a vain person, and would say im average looking, and am fine with that. But this has got to really bother me. Especially when i witness all the time my friends boyfriends making them feel special and talking about them like they're the most gorgeous girl in the world

 

Am I over reacting?

 

Thanks in advance for replies

[Neutrino]

Get rid of this guy - he's full of crap. No matter how you look - beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and to your BF you should be the greatest girl in the universe (if not you can still be the greatest girl in the universe on your own).

 

Even if his friends feel they have the liberty to make comments about you (which is also not very normal) what is his response to them ? This guy is just wrong...

 

If you stay in this relationship - you're not doing yourself a favor - over time this brain-wash will bring your self esteem down... Look, you are already taking seriously his opinion of your forehead...

 

If you want to have some fun before you dump him - start doing the same : pick one item (if you want to be effective stick to the same item continuously) like his nose or chin or whatever - and make a small comment every time you meet....

Edited March 9, 2010 by Neutrino

[MizzBella]

Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my ex-husband. He always said things to make me self-conscious, and it eventually got worse and worse. Eventually the verbal abuse (that's what it is) turned into physical abuse (no one could have told me that would ever happen to me or that he would have ever done that to me).

 

I know not all situations are so extreme, but why in the world would you want to be with someone who says nasty things about you? You deserve better.

[Disintegration]

If he is constantly putting you down, I would suggest leaving him. He is just going to hurt your self esteem. That isn't right, nor is that what someone does when they LOVE you. Don't settle, I know there are other guys out there who would treat you with respect. You deserve better than that.

[t0ri]

That is so incredibly rude! Do you ever tell him how these hurtful comments make you feel? Well, really, only a true idiot would not realize what those comments would do to someone. Does he get a kick out of making you feel like shi*?

 

You don't deserve to be put down or told you're nothing better than "nice." In my opinion, if he was truly into you, he'd think much MUCH higher of you, would express that, and would definitely refrain from telling you rude comments others have said about you behind your back.

 

You deserve to be loved for who you are. Dump this guy. There are plenty of men out there who would adore every inch of you, because that's YOU, rather than not being completely satisfied and bashing things about you, like you're "arse" of a boyfriend.

 

Get some confidence, girl! This guy is not worth the hurt he's causing.

[givemechocolate]

This post absolutely breaks my heart. Please please please please dump this man.

[ADF]

You know what? I am not convinced all of these stories you BF told you are even true. But let's assume they are. It sounds to me like he tells you these things because he wants to (hopefully) lower your self-esteem and feed any insecurities you may have. That is a big red flag. Guys who do that are usually either 1) so insecure they have to make you feel worthless. They figure if they don't, you might leave them. Or, 2) they are players that want to wreck your self-esteem so you'll put up with being lied to, cheated on, etc. They hope you'll think they're the best you can do.

 

I'd lose this loser.

[threebyfate]

xm, ditch this loser like yesterday's news but before you do, start making snide little comments about his penis.

 

"If you were just a bit bigger, our sex life would be better"

"Honey, yes, your penis is...nice. If it were only a bit bigger."

"My friends and I were talking about our guys' dicks. You're the smallest of the bunch."

[carhill]

Yep, I remember that period well. It was shortly thereafter I started my EA. If a woman ever disrespects me that way again, she'll be out on her ass so fast her tits will spin

[2sure]

He is one of those people who is so small and insecure, he feels that by tearing you down you will come to the conclusion that you are lucky to have him.

 

Kick him out - ON HIS ASS

Then date one of his friends

[Awesome Username]

This guy is a tool. If he doesn't notice that he's being out of line, then he's an idiot. Either one sucks. You should literally dump his ass.

[threebyfate]

Yep, I remember that period well. It was shortly thereafter I started my EA. If a woman ever disrespects me that way again, she'll be out on her ass so fast her tits will spin

If you eroded on your wife by constantly criticizing her forehead, which would shock the hell outta' me but I've been wrong before, you wouldn't have deserved this kind of treatment. But this guy needs a dose of reality.

[Awesome Username]

"My girlfriend asked me how you were in bed! Hahaha!"

 

"Really? Hahaha! What did you say babe?"

 

"Well, you were pretty good! Nothing spectacular...I've had boyfriends with bigger d*cks that gave me more orgasms...but we still have time to learn and hey, I love you anyways sweety! I'm with YOU, right?" <3

[carhill]

Gender neutral. That guy should be gone. Zero'ed. Even getting divorced, my stbx said clearly that never once did I criticize her physically. That kind of behavior is unacceptable to me, by either gender. Get rid of his azz

[Amy22]

You know what? I am not convinced all of these stories you BF told you are even true. But let's assume they are. It sounds to me like he tells you these things because he wants to (hopefully) lower your self-esteem and feed any insecurities you may have. That is a big red flag. Guys who do that are usually either 1) so insecure they have to make you feel worthless. They figure if they don't, you might leave them. Or, 2) they are players that want to wreck your self-esteem so you'll put up with being lied to, cheated on, etc. They hope you'll think they're the best you can do.

 

I'd lose this loser.

 

I agree that I don't believe these stories your BF told you about what he's friends said is even true. Do these guys have nothing else to do then bash their friends GF? I doubt they would even care. If they are true, he has some rude friends.

 

On to your BF now, he is a jerk. I would leave him. You are so much better then him. You deserve someone that will make you feel special, not put you down all the time. I hope you see how bad he is treating you and that you don't deserve it.

[shadowplay]

This guy is pretty much the biggest douche in the world. Reading the post I kept on cringing.

[whichwayisup]

So, what is it that you love about your boyfriend?

 

He is putting you down and is making you feel bad.

 

Something is very "off" here. What he's doing is cruel and intentional. HE KNOWS it upsets you, yet he still tells you negative things, which chances are, are not true.. I highly doubt all those people said such things about you.

 

This is about him, not you. HE has issues and I'm sorry he's acting like such an ass.

[make me believe]

YOU POOR THING!! Your boyfriend should never make you feel anything less than beautiful! Wow! I got pissed off reading your post. Your bf is a complete jerk!!! Why are you with him?? He knows what he is doing. He is intentionally trying to bring you down. How cruel! Dump this loser and find somebody who really appreciates you! What would you do if your best friend's boyfriend talked to her that way? And made snide comments about her appearance? Wouldn't you advise her to leave him?

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Yup, agreed with all the others. He's tearing you down so your self-esteem will become so dashed that you won't think you can do (or deserve) better. He's doing this to you because HE'S so insecure.

 

Personally, I wouldn't stoop to his level by insulting him back as that's just not how I roll. Just tell him you deserve someone who finds you attractive and who will defend you and your relationship when others attempt to cut it down. In other words, a man. Not a boy.

[t0ri]

He's tearing you down so your self-esteem will become so dashed that you won't think you can do (or deserve) better. He's doing this to you because HE'S so insecure.

 

Sorry to sidetrack, but when people do this, are they doing it subconsciously? Or are they literally thinking, "I'm going to make her feel like dirt so she'll believe nobody else would want her, and therefore she'll stick by me and put up with whatever?"

[Confusedguy81]

he complained about your forehead?seriously? Out the door he should go

[lora22]

Sorry to sidetrack, but when people do this, are they doing it subconsciously? Or are they literally thinking, "I'm going to make her feel like dirt so she'll believe nobody else would want her, and therefore she'll stick by me and put up with whatever?"

 

It's subconscious usually.

[Lauriebell82]

Wow what a jerk!!!

 

I think he might actually think these things himself but is telling you his "friends" say them so he doesn't look like an a-hole. Obviously he is pretty stupid as he is making himself look that way anyway!!!

 

Dump his butt!!!!

[bolase]

Thats not how someone behaves when they love you.

 

Tell him you don't want to be with him any more because you deserve to be treated better. Don't explain, and don't take the bait when he asks why - that's all you need to say. Smile at him then walk away.