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Funeral - he won't go


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A very dear friend and colleague recently passed and my significant other of 4.5 years, refuses to attend the memorial with me. Aren't memorials usually something couples go to so they can support each other? He says he isn't comfortable because he won't know anyone. I suggested it would be a great way to meet my work colleagues and friends (we recently located and now live and work in separate locations). Obviously I can't force him to go but I am wondering if my expectation is reasonable?

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I don't think it's unreasonable to want your SO to accompany you, but you've also got to take into consideration what he's telling you. His not going doesn't mean he doesn't support you, just that he feels awkward and doesn't want that to interfere with you being there.

 

my husband didn't go to my granny's or my dad's funeral; the first, he stayed at home with my mom because she was sick and needed someone to care for her; the other, because HE was sick and I didn't think he'd survive the seven-hour trip back home to send off my dad. However, he *was* there for what was probably the hardest funeral – that of my mom – because he knew how close we were and that I really need him then.

 

it all tends to work out, so don't let yourself get stressed out over the fact that he's not comfortable going to this particular send-off. He'll be there when you really need him ...

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I don't think it's unreasonable to want your SO to accompany you, but you've also got to take into consideration what he's telling you. His not going doesn't mean he doesn't support you, just that he feels awkward and doesn't want that to interfere with you being there.

 

my husband didn't go to my granny's or my dad's funeral; the first, he stayed at home with my mom because she was sick and needed someone to care for her; the other, because HE was sick and I didn't think he'd survive the seven-hour trip back home to send off my dad. However, he *was* there for what was probably the hardest funeral – that of my mom – because he knew how close we were and that I really need him then.

 

it all tends to work out, so don't let yourself get stressed out over the fact that he's not comfortable going to this particular send-off. He'll be there when you really need him ...

 

I wouldn't be too hard on him about this. First of all, the purpose of a memorial is not to meet people, rather to pay respects to the deceased. I absolutely hate going to funerals and won't do so unless I absolutely have to. When I was 12 I was so traumatized at my Grandmother's funeral that it's a major effort emotionally for me to attend one. I always try to do something else to support the grieving family or person, but funerals are not my thing. You'll find that there are more people like this than you know.

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I'm sorry for your loss.

He says he isn't comfortable because he won't know anyone. I suggested it would be a great way to meet my work colleagues and friends

I think you missed your chance to make it about him being there for moral-emotional support, when you went along with his notion that memorials are similar in nature to social events. You may have elicited a different response from him had you explained, at that time, your emotional need.

 

But, no, I don't think couples attend funeral services to support each other as much as to offer condolences and support to the deceased's family and loved ones. In the case of a colleague, you and your coworkers are actually in the best position to support each other.

 

It's also the 'subject matter' as a whole -- death just makes some individuals much more uncomfortable than others. Your guy may be one of those, in which case, perhaps also to consider what he needs from you in terms of moral-emotional support when it comes to memorial services.

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