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this is killing me, relationship anxiety or relationship OCD?


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Guys, this is what i posted back in August last year

i had added more to it and also a 2nd part at the end

 

i am so messed up

 

 

fighting the tears writing this, i live my life in the same continuous circle

i`m a 35 year old male, almost 36..... and yes i`m still at home here in the UK! financially cant afford my own place at the moment, but working on it

 

i have ended a relationship back in August of last year with the most beautiful person ever, she is an amazing person, smart, caring, very loving, affection that blew my mind, she loves me and has only ever shown me love, but im unable to feel the same way when i dont know why i cant..

the easiest option was to end it like a coward

 

when i`m with her, i feel like im living a lie, like im faking it, i get anxious, very very upset and emotional, hot sweats, shear and utter fear etc....

i tell her i love her, but my mind keeps telling me i dont, i have acted like this all my life with ALL my partners...

even started drinking before i see my partner to make me less anxious because of my Guilt

its like i cant wait for them to leave so i can be on my own again, i have done this with all the women in my life and as of now, i have to stop this, in August last year she walked out of my back door and we were both crying our eyes out when i looked at her little face walking away from me, i had to tell her i dont love her, she said she dont believe me after all i have said and all we have done together, im so messed up and confused, i really wanted her to be "the one" as she has supported me through all my depression, my intrusive thoughts, etc etc

she is also the only person to have made me laugh, feel relaxed enough to even talk to her about all my problems, yet still on the odd occasion, i get all this BAD STUFF going on in my mind that im actually exhausted and worn out with my feelings

 

the usual scenario is normally me feeling lonely, emotional and wanting to have a cuddle and have someone to talk to, basically so i`m not on my own, i dont have many friends, sad arent i?

my job is the opposite to this, im a professional musician and do huge shows in front of thousands of people, so this is all bizarre in my personal life

i meet someone really special, though never met anyone like my EX in all these years, it feels amazing at the start, then as we get closer and closer, i feel trapped and then the thoughts come rolling in, the hot sweats, the anixety, panic attacks, my mind telling me SHE is not actually the one, so much so that i cant believe how it makes me feel, it really makes me a bag of nerves, its like a demon eating away at me

 

if anyone has these feelings, you will know how upset it makes you feel...

i believe im just not capable of loving anyone, infact i never have.... all my relationships have ended because i end them, one of the main reasons is because i cannot live with the sheer and utter guilt and terror of the feelings im having and whether they are true or false, or what!

 

i really cant take anymore of living like this, i want to be happy, i want to feel excited that im gonna see someone, be happy when im with them, go on holiday, laugh and cry with them, tell them i love them and feel that closeness, i felt some of these things some of the time with my partner i finished with today, but the guilt and anxiety won, i had to end it, cant go on living and feeling this way...

everyone around me keeps telling me "i am getting all these feelings as she obviously isnt the one for me"

 

i have been to to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression, have tried all forms of medication, nothing helps, i either sweat buckets or i feel worse normally, currently on 5htp and st johns wort, but do you know what? i dont want to HAVE to take tablets to live a normal life, i sometimes look back and think WHY ME?

been told that i must have commitment issues, yet i dont have one night stands, mainly because i just cant, need to know someone first, has to feel right or no point

 

all i know is that i want to feel better and not have these life ruining thoughts as above

 

when Tracey left in August, she said i want you to be happy, im sorry i made you so miserable, what do i say to that? i didnt answer, i just broke down as she walked off, what a complete *** i am, i have destroyed her, yet im broken hearted and relived at the same time....

i finished with her twice now!! thats not fair on her

 

 

i am going to see a relationship counsellor first week of February, i will pay anything if i can get help, my life can`t go on like this

so much so, i even thought about ending it all, whats the point anymore?

do i be miserable the rest of my life? fearful of meeting anyone

 

do any of you suffer with these feelings? and please dont tell me there is always someone for someone, my own family try and understand, but they all loved Tracey too bits and think she is made for me, i dont know whether im evil, dont know how to even love, or maybe i should realise that life is meant to be lonely and single for some people

 

after writing all this, i found out 3 days ago that she has become friends with my singer in my band!

for the last 3 days i cannot stop crying, i want her back but my minds telling me NO you dont, i just wanna hold her and kiss her and make it all better, dont want to let her down again which is adding more pressure on me

the thought of them 2 together is making me not sleep and having hot sweats, she has moved on now i think, ROCD has destroyed my only chance of a girl that should have been the one for me...

i have to get her back and prove we can fight this together, but the thought of feeling as above again is terrifying me, i dont want these thoughts, or is it because she is not for me! im so confused!!!

we are still talking but im so emotional i cant even speak....

instead of bottling up all these ROCD thoughts, if i would have told her when i was having them, we could have worked on our relationship, now i feel EMPTY and have already contemplated suicide because im too late and she may fall in love with this new guy...

 

 

i have had ROCD since before i can remember, but when i try and explain to people or family, they just say im scared of commitment or that i have been spoilt and are a Mummys boy for still being 36 years old and at home!

 

i am still in contact with my EX, but i havent text her since Wednesday evening where her texts were not as they used to be, fairly cold infact

 

my sister keeps telling me i HAVE to move on like she has, she has been going to see my singer from my band that i play in, how messed up is that!

i have to now see them together at ALL my gigs, i feel sick to the stomache....

i am petrified of trying again with her IF my hot sweats, anxietys and all that stuff come back! what if it was the fact that we MAYBE shouldnt have been together and my mind was true?

im so confused at the moment, dont know how to feel or what to do

im getting CBT therapy in February. have become SCARED of all women, even going for a drink with anyone, because all i can see is my exes face staring at me and the closeness we shared when i was relaxed around her

 

in all of my life, i have NEVER been excited and had that wanting feeling of knowing im gonna see any girl i have been with, and the thing is i want to feel these feelings and be normal like everyone else around me, i went to my friends wedding recently and my EX was there, i had too much to drink and started getting emotional again, but she said stop doing this to me Wayne!

 

i cant let go, maybe i should, maybe i shouldnt

 

from what i can tell, i hurt her very badly twice and now with her getting close with my singer as hes had problems with ex girlfriends, they are sharing experiences and becoming closer until BANG!!

apparently he has been there for her when she says i should have fought for her!

she called him her "rock" when she was down

what i dont want to become is what her ex was years ago, when we were together she would constantly get texts from her ex partner and that would anger me, because the fact is she can never let go either!

i dont want to become her ex and feel pitied for and get texts asking me if im ok when i know shes with my singer, if it progresses that way, i understand at the moment they are simply good friends, but she says she is fond of him and that hes a lovely guy, feeling sick even thinking that right now!!

all i can see in my mind is them too happy and having sex together like we used to do, a passion that i cant explain in that department... i will never foget, the thought of EVER being with anyone and kissing them, laughing with them, making love to them makes my skin crawl

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