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He is trying to rekindle love... I am hoping it will not happen


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We met last Sept when I started a new job. We became best of friends, working closely together, sharing trials and victories. It was an emotional bond, not physical. He is the most amazing human being – kind, generous to all, incredibly intelligent.

 

He was in a sexless and loveless marriage. Over the years, he felt frustrated, resentful and, finally, indifferent. Love has died. He described his marriage as empty and lonely. Like many, he stayed because she would be devastated by a divorce. They have no children.

 

In January, he asked his wife for a divorce. By then, we knew we had developed strong feelings for one another, and would like to explore a relationship together. I knew our emotional bond was very dear to him. He put my interests first, and always thought of my happiness.

 

His wife took it badly. Because he spoke so often of me, she named me as the 3rd party. He agreed to give her time to accept that love has died – at least for him. In July, he started pressing for a divorce again. During this time, we remained just friends. It was very hard.

 

All these came to a head when he discovered she might be planning to harm herself. He found knives in her bedroom. She made a will and a list detailing things like the preferred colour of her coffin.

 

It doesn’t matter what she was thinking because he believed she was capable of going through with it. During that time, he experienced very bad setbacks at work. Turning to God, he was convinced God was disciplining him for refusing to work on his marriage. He argued with God for weeks, but gave in. It was not easy – he used words like “trapped”, “resigned” and “I have no option”.

 

He asked me for support and understanding. The “deal” is that he will work on his marriage to the best of his ability, and leave the outcome to God. If love is rekindled, it’s God’s will. If the emptiness persists after he has done all he could, then all will know the marriage is not meant to be.

 

My head tells me this makes sense. He needs to know he has tried, or he will be carrying major baggage to his next relationship. She needs to know he has tried in order to accept the possibility that love is dead and they are not right for each other. Most importantly, his family will be able to see that I am not the cause of the marriage breakdown, and will find it easier to embrace me (if ever we get together).

 

But my heart misses him every day. We can’t talk now, and it hurts. I can’t imagine life without him. We connect on every level. He is The One.

 

Does anyone have any comments on how long it takes for love to be rekindled after it has died, if it is possible? Can true chemistry, intimacy and connection be created at will, after love is dead? Will he miss me? Will he forget me? When will we talk again? Will we ever talk again? How do I cope with this?

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I understand that you have not been physical with this man, but you have developed with him what many would call an emotional affair (EA). When you use words like he is the One, it sounds an awful lot like the two of you are in love with each other even if you are not physical.

 

Consider asking yourself whether it is possible you have had a role in the breakdown of his marriage. Was his marriage bad before he knew you? Are you sure, or are you or he justifying the actions you've taken since? Even if it was, imagine an alternate world where you never came on the scene. Are you 100% sure that in that case he might not have fixed his marriage?

 

It sounds like you have been this man's very close friend for a long time. During that time, you have essentially provided for him the emotional role of wife. He has had no motivation to try to fix his relationship with his actual wife. If you had not been there, it is possible things would be different between them now.

 

I don't know what your values regarding marriage are. But, imagine you do end up marrying this man. A few years go by. You have some kind of problems, everybody does in marriage sooner or later. Maybe you're upset with him and you pull away for a while. Then you find out he is now confiding in a different woman. She is now his close emotional bond. How would you feel? Really? Would you have any right in the world to complain if this happened, or would you accept that you completely deserve it because that is what you did to someone else?

 

For me, the bottom line is this man is married and you have no business developing this kind of a bond with him. He made a promise before God, the most sacred promise any human being can make, to stay with this woman for better or for worse until death. Not until unhappiness or until he feels like doing something different. There are plenty of men out there that have never made such a promise, that are available. Why don't you go find one of them? Why are you encouraging a man to forswear his vow to be with you? Do you really think if you succeed he's going to be more faithful the second time around? Do you really think you could trust a man who would do that once? Won't it be a lot easier for him to do it the second time?

 

Do not fool yourself into thinking you are somehow being a selfless friend in all this. You are not in this just to help him. You are very obviously in this because you want to have him yourself. It is to your credit that you have not actually gotten physical with him. But, spend some time reading the Infidelity section of this website. There are many, many people who say that they think Emotional Affairs are WORSE than physical ones. At any rate they have found it to be very painful when they discover that is what their spouse is up to. Read what some of these people feel when they find their spouse has an EA and see if you still feel good about it all.

 

Scott

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Hi Scott,

 

Thanks for giving your take.

 

No, I do not claim to be "selfless". I am merely someone who is in love, and hoping he and I are genuinely good for each other in a way that they have not been for many years.

 

If I did not come along, he would probably limp along in quiet desperation. Most probably, he may meet someone else he finds a connection with, and fall in love with her. This is because the heart cannot sustain a vacuum. If it's empty, someone else will come to fill the space.

 

He had asked for a divorce in 2006, years before we met, but backed down when she resisted.

 

The emotional bond I mentioned is not the cause of the marriage breakdown. It is a symptom of the emptiness and loneliness he feels in his marriage.

 

For years, his needs in the marriage have not been met. Whenever he talked about them to her, they enter a cold war. Since you mentioned promises made before God, their promises to cherish, love, submit have been broken for a long time. This is why the marriage has gotten to such a state, where love is dead.

 

You asked how would I feel if he cheated on me. Well, first of all, he didn't cheat. He was decisive in intending to end a chapter before starting another. As for developing an emotional bond, we certainly did not seek to. We were great friends and connected remarkably. He was able to fall in love because he was not in love with anyone else, including his spouse.

 

This is not a situation whereby someone is in love with 2 people.

 

Would I want to stay married if my spouse has no interest to connect with me emotionally or physically?

 

I know people who felt such extreme loneliness and isolation in their marriages, they became depressive before finally deciding to divorce. This is the situation here.

 

I agree divorce is the last resort, and only after you have done all you can to fix the marriage. But before we ask people to just work on their marriage (who cares whether they are depressed), we should understand how painful it is when your marriage is a shell, and your most significant relationship is with someone you do not love.

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just be careful Cho,

 

because I was in a situation where no one was married and it wasn't even clear who the "girlfriend" was either...so no one was really the other woman, only we both wanted a commitment he refused to give (meaning ditching the other chic). The thing was he was telling us both the same things ..."you're the one I love, the love I had with her is in the past, I feel nothing now, it was never real love anyway"...oh and of course my favorite.."I think of you when I'm making love to her, I can't come unless I do"....barf....

 

I found out through a very kind mutual friend that was genuine enough..not that she was spying intentionally but she somehow found out accidentally and let me in on the true story...that he was telling us both the same things...Telling her that he never loved me and I was cold and uncaring when there was a huge backstory that she did not even know about and actually I had been there for him in some of his darkest moments.

 

I just want to warn you that people CAN and DO love 2 people at the same time, and also some people are compulsive liars and are really really good at it....doesn't mean they are bad people, but they get into the habit and it becomes like breathing to them and they figure they might as well use it to get what they want..which is sometimes to have their cake and eat it too.

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p.s. I don't mean to be such a pessimist. It could be your situation is completely different from mine...just watch yourself and hopefully you get a happy ending.:):bunny:;)

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Possibly everything you’ve said is true. When I say true I don't just mean true in the sense that you are telling the truth, but that everything truly is as you say between all three people, that everyone involved is not only telling the truth but is also sufficiently honest with themselves to be able to say what is really happening. Where love is involved human beings have an enormous capacity for self-deception. If things are as you say, then perhaps you're right and divorce is the only option. As someone else mentioned, it is possible that the view he paints you of his marriage is not entirely accurate, or even wholly false. I've experienced something like that in my own life, where the person I was with had a completely different story that she told me compared to what she told other people.

 

It sounds like you have thought things over quite a bit, and I'm not trying to judge you. I do find one part of the story implausible. His wife is desperately afraid that he will leave her and doesn't want that to happen, but is absolutely unwilling to talk about problems or make any changes and doesn’t love him. She is ready to kill herself if he leaves, but not willing to show him love and affection and work on things? It doesn't seem to make sense.

 

Scott

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Hey Scott,

 

Nice to hear from you again.

 

I think men and women have different needs. She needs affection, honesty, and financial support. He holds a very good job and, going by how he treats fellow colleagues and friends, is someone trustworthy and 'others-oriented'. In this marriage, her needs are met, and her Love Bank is full.

 

Unfortunately, his needs for things such as companionship, sexual fulfillment and admiration have not been met. Her account in his Love Bank has been in the red for a long time.

 

Hope this makes sense.

 

Why do you say you have experienced deception? Would you like to share?

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Because she was satisfied with the marriage, she assumed he was too. When he finally wanted a split, she wanted to work on their problems, but it was a case of too-little-too-late.

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The deception I experienced involved my ex-fiancé. Basically, we were talking marriage but her parents were extremely against the idea. Whenever she talked to me it was always full steam ahead, she would work on wedding plans, tell me she loved me, talk about our future together. When she was with her parents, she just didn't talk about these things, she didn't mention me any more than she had to and they didn't bring it up either. I'm not sure she ever out and out lied, but she spun things differently to both parties and was selective with what she talked about. It got to the point where two months went by where she was walking around with an engagement ring on her finger, the two of us were talking to a priest about a wedding date, and her parents didn't know she was going to get married, they “assumed she had changed her mind”.

 

I had no idea this was going on until much later. Keep in mind that this woman and I were totally in love with each other, or at any rate I was totally in love and she said she was and acted like it. That's what I mean when I say that it is possible that the man you are involved with tells you one story and his wife another. He may not even be lying, strictly speaking. You wouldn't really know unless you heard her side of the story directly from her.

 

You mentioned something along the lines of you feel that their marriage vow was broken long ago, by her because she wasn't intimate and loving with him. You may feel that way, but that's not really what the words of the wedding vows say. People don't promise to remain together as long as the other person meets their needs or does what they want, there is no such qualifier on it. Consider how you would feel if you married this guy and gave him what you thought he needed, including sex, intimacy, whatever. Then one day he told you that he actually needed something else all along, he'd not told until now, but was leaving anyway because he didn't get what he needed from you and you were not fulfilling the wedding vow, anything you did now is too little too late. That is probably exactly how his wife feels. From what you say it sounds like she thought she was giving him what he needed.

 

You are in a really rough situation, there's no doubt. It sounds though like what you are doing is probably the best course, letting him try with his marriage for as long as he wants/needs to without further communication from you. That's very good for two reasons. It keeps you from giving him the best of both worlds where he has you both without having to choose. And, it'll make it less painful for you in the end if he decides to stay with his wife. As for your original question of how long it's going to take, that's really hard to answer, the only true answer is it takes as long as he wants to spend on it.

 

Personally, I would still suggest the idea of finding someone else for yourself. I mean, even if this guy does choose to leave his wife, he's going to have a fair amount of baggage for quite a while. It may well not be a clean break, he may leave her but have intense regret or guilt later, or miss her terribly once he thinks she’s really gone. I know my heart has done that to me once or twice. He may have trouble committing to someone else for a while. It may turn out that he doesn't really love you for yourself, but is just using you for a way out of his marriage in his mind. Basically, it's a really messy situation.

 

Scott

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hopefulInFuture

Well I am assuming that you weren't there when he was saying all these things to his wife. Therefore, you don't really know what went on between them. He is so much like someone I know! and I think a lot of people doubleplay like that. They show you that they're the best person in the world and behind your back do all the hidden things...

 

I think he simply wanted you both. He probably told you that he asked for a divorce because he wanted you to crave in and go to bed with him.

 

I've learnt my own lesson on infidelity, people will make fool out of you even when you think there's no way they could do this to you. So while he was cheating on his wife, I am pretty certain he was cheating on you as well (meaning he was giving you BS).

 

Trust me, you're better off without this man. He's not all that good and great he's portrayed himself to you. He's a real scum. If he really was so concerned about his wife, he would not have developed this special relationship with you. And I agree with others that say that if he's done this to her, he'll do this to you. I always believed that people in happy relationships don't cheat and don't lie. But I learnt that it's not at all true. People lie and cheat because they want to. Stats say that 70% of people who cheat believe to have a happy marriage. They're simply bored. How sad, right? It's sad for those of us who look at the world with the rose-colored eyes and want to believe that people are always what they tell us they are.

 

We must learn to be smarter and watch for actions. His actions speak louder than his words. Take care of yourself and move on.

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