Expressing your insecurity to your significant other.

[akina4777]

Hi all~

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 8 months and have been living together for about a year and a half. I love him to death, he loves me to death. We've been through alot of "episodes of insecurity". He's been insecure a few times, whereas I've been insecure alot more than he has.

 

About a month ago I got nosey and decided to go through his texts. It's not that I didn't trust him or thought he was cheating on me, I just get nosey sometimes. He was texting a female co-worker who is 20 years older than he is. I confronted him about it, and he got upset that I went through his texts and didn't trust him. We eventually got over that together. I apologized for making him upset and making him feel disrespected.

 

I've checked his texts a few times since then. They mainly talk about work, but for some reason I feel like he's talking to her because I'm not doing enough for him or making him happy enough. I stayed up later than he did last night and messaged him through MSN. (kind of dumb since we live together but that's what I do when I don't feel comfortable confronting him IRL) I told him that I've felt a little insecure since he's started talking to her because it feels like I'm not doing enough for him. I told him that I trust him and asked him if there was anything I could change or do to make him happier.

 

Needless to say he did get upset. He asked me why doesn't he just use my phone to talk to anybody now or if I wanted to schedule regular times to check his phone because he felt like a child. He said the thing that would make him happier is if I would respect him for who he is and his belongings.

 

I totally didn't want him to take it that way at all. At the end of it, I told him I wouldn't go through his phone anymore and I'm sorry that I did. He said "it's something like cheating. it's stupid for a person to stay with them cause it'll probably happen again." It sounds like a bad example, but he's just trying to say "if it happened once it'll happen again"

 

I've been feeling insecure for a few weeks before this but have kept it to myself. I told him that I was trying to deal with it myself but it felt wrong to not tell him about it. I apologized to him and told him it was my fault. He said it was fine and then I took him to work.

 

Any advice on how I can overcome my insecurity? How can I absolutely show him that I trust him and that I'm confident in our relationship?

 

TIA everyone...

[BeSteady]

Is this insecurity something you have always fought? If not it may be him....

 

If so just stop and don't give into them. Every time your tempted think of how bad you feel if you did and how much better you and he will feel if you don't. It is like going NC after a break up, very difficult but it can and needs to be done, it just take a great deal of effort.

[Phateless]

You need to get your own life. I'm guessing he is pretty much the only thing going on in your life so you're totally dependent on him.

 

Hang out with your own friends, build up outside interests, stay distracted.

 

This is all about CHOICE. If you know it's wrong to go through his phone, DON'T!

 

Have you thought about therapy? This insecurity is your own and you're wrecking your relationship by holding him responsible for it.

[akina4777]

You need to get your own life. I'm guessing he is pretty much the only thing going on in your life so you're totally dependent on him.

 

Hang out with your own friends, build up outside interests, stay distracted.

 

This is all about CHOICE. If you know it's wrong to go through his phone, DON'T!

 

Have you thought about therapy? This insecurity is your own and you're wrecking your relationship by holding him responsible for it.

 

I'm not holding him responsible for it, I know that it's totally my fault. I was way more insecure the first year of our relationship and I grew out of it. I've had anxiety problems for 7 or 8 years until I got over them in late 2008 when I met my boyfriend.

 

I think part of the insecurity is definitely a little anxiety, that sort of "always think the worst" mindset.

 

I'm definitely not going to go through his phone anymore. I just want to find a way to show him that I trust him and more importantly that he can trust me to not go through his phone and that I'm working on my confidence.

[Phateless]

Unfortunately it takes a lot longer to rebuild trust than it does to destroy it. In general if you just calm down he'll see that and things will improve.

 

As far as your anxiety goes, it's all about REFRAMING. Basically you need to reframe your own thoughts and reaffirm/reassure yourself that everything will be ok. Coming up with some AFFIRMATIONS for yourself will really help too.

 

Do some googling for the terms "reframing" and "affirmations" and see what you get.

[akina4777]

Unfortunately it takes a lot longer to rebuild trust than it does to destroy it. In general if you just calm down he'll see that and things will improve.

 

As far as your anxiety goes, it's all about REFRAMING. Basically you need to reframe your own thoughts and reaffirm/reassure yourself that everything will be ok. Coming up with some AFFIRMATIONS for yourself will really help too.

 

Do some googling for the terms "reframing" and "affirmations" and see what you get.

 

I did go to therapy early last year for my anxiety but it didn't help at all. I grew out of it on my own with the help of my boyfriend. I haven't had an anxiety attack in atleast a year which is a huge step from before I met him when I used to have them every week.

 

The affirmation thing is similar to what my therapist used to tell me to do if I ever felt an anxiety attack coming on. She gave me a sentence to say out loud to myself if I felt any kind of anxiety, so I guess it's sort of similar.

 

Thanks for the suggestions.