How old is too old to live with your parents?

[kahn2154]

I turned 23 a few months ago and still live with my dad. I don't pay rent but besides that I pay for all my things and don't leech of my parents at all. I make good money its just that I hate change and have a bit of SAD, so fear that if I move into an apartment I'll basically lock myself in there 24/7 and not see anyone.

 

I know during college a lot of people still lived at home, I'm guessing since the job market hasn't been too great in the last year that may not have changed, so just wondering what age is considered 'old' to live with parents. My parents are European immigrants and basically most family friends are also, so its pretty common for families to live together basically till 30+. Pretty much all my foreign relatives who are older than me still live with their parents.

[kizik]

If you're happy with your living situation, then don't pay attention to others' opinions on the matter. When you meet a girl/guy and things get serious, you will want to move out of dad's house on your own or with her/him.

[westernxer]

The bias against those living with parents is mainly a cultural one.

 

I moved into a place with my parents so I can look after them. I pay half the rent and pitch in for expenses. Even after all this, I may still be considered a loser, but at least I've got peace of mind, knowing that my folks are okay.

 

My island heritage is very strong regarding taking care of family... my other siblings are out of state with families of their own, so by default, it fell on me. Given that I'm not married yet, it made total sense.

[sally4sara]

I was out of my mother's house at 17, so I have a tendency to think it is odd for people to still live with their parents well into their 20s let alone 30s. This is a byproduct of being from a culture where you not live as an adult for very long under your parent's roof combined with personally being from a highly dysfunctional family.

Other people come from close knit families and have cultural ties that make it more acceptable for adult children to live under their parent's roof for many years.

If we acknowledge that like-mindedness fosters compatibility, you are looking for a partner that easily values family ties AND respects your cultural standards. This way, later, if you need to move mom or dad into your home for their care you won't have a partner that makes an issue about it.

So don't worry too much what others think about you still living with your folks. The people you will be best matched with will understand.

 

Every adjustment we make to our core values in attempt to find a partner puts us at risk of finding a relationship that wasn't intended for us and has a higher likelihood of failure.

[Green]

Seriously if you enjoy living at home and its working out for you then just keep doing it. I don't think there is a thing as being to old, but if you want to get married and have your own family then depending on the size of your house it may become unworkable

[westernxer]

Every adjustment we make to our core values in attempt to find a partner puts us at risk of finding a relationship that wasn't intended for us and has a higher likelihood of failure.

 

Good way to put it.

 

This also applies to friendships, too.

[changchewsoon]

I'm 28 years old and I still live with my parents, and I have a younger brother whose currently in Australia as he recently got his permanent residential status over there.

 

I was lucky that my startup company was doing well and I was able to purchase a house of my own last year. I could move in anytime but I refused to because I love my parents so deep that I do not want them to feel lonely.

 

My parents are well to do off and they do not need my support financially, but I do know they need my support emotionally. I was mostly away from them beginning of my career as I often need to travel due to business and now that I'm able to stabilize the company I want to spend more time with them.

 

Nobody has any right to determine whether you're too young or too old to stay with your parents. If your parents aren't complaining, who are they to judge?

[deux ex machina]

changchewsoon, that's beautiful.

 

 

I wish I had relatives to stay together and help one another.

 

It's your life, your path, and only you know all of those many details that went into making the decisions you have made.

 

Whoever comes into your life is a guest and they should trust your judgment.

[Quinch]

I'm in my mid 30s and hate to admit that I still live with my parents. I know I should have moved out 15 years ago but it's purely for financial reasons and, as soon as I've cleared off all my debts and got some savings, I'm getting the hell out of here.

 

It's not that I hate my parents but we're very different people and get on each others nerves. I think I would get on with them better when there is some distance between us.

[Pedigree]

Wow, I have to give props to the people on here. I was honestly expecting a "If you're still at home when you're older than 18, that's too old" answers. Certainly refreshing to get a consensus I'm getting is that no age is too old.

 

I'm from an Asian family myself though I'm living away for study. My cousins are living with their parents until they get married. As for myself, after Uni (it's my second to last semester), I'm moving back, getting a job, and plan to be out of the house by 25.

 

Shoot me, I'm an individualist:).

[Lauriebell82]

Can you support yourself in your own apartment? You said you have social anxiety, why not get out of there and confront your fears?? If you just continue to stay there then you will keep feeding your disorder and things will never change. I mean 23 isn't THAT old, but do you want to be like 40 and still be in this position?

 

If your dad is supportive (emotionally) then I'm sure they will be willing to help you out if you get anxious about moving out. You could go to his house for dinner a few nights a week to spend time with them? Or better yet go to a restaurant or coffee shop to get used to being in social settings.

 

You should do what's best for YOU, but I suggest you really think about whether or not you want to be in this position for the next 10 years.

[sweetjasmine]

so just wondering what age is considered 'old' to live with parents.

 

IMO, it's not whether someone lives with their parents -- it's the type of relationship they have with them.

 

People can move out at 18 and still be a child to their parents, dependent on them. There was just a thread around here where an LSer said she bought a house with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's mom still balances his checkbook and manages all his money. To me, that's worse than someone who's 28 or whatever living in their parents' house but functioning as an independent adult and taking care of their own responsibilities.

[JamesM]

On the other side of it....living on your own teaches you responsibility. You are forced to face issues that you do not have to when living at home. You fall, you fail to pay bills, you lack the responsibility to buy food....you suffer because no one is behind you telling you what you need to do.

 

I have a family, but boy, it would be nice to move back home and have meals cooked, bills paid for, and decisions made for me. Living at home helps keep us "carefree." We do not have to make decisions that effect us, because there is someone else to follow behind.

 

I moved out at about 23 or 24 after I was out of college. I think that was good. About two years later I was married. What I found after moving out is that I needed to fix the heater when it broke or at the least call someone, I needed to be responsible for getting supper on the table, I needed to do my own laundry, and I needed to pay the bills. These things were done for me when I was at home.

 

Does that mean everyone should move out at a certain age? Not necessarily, but the goal of every parent is to train the children to be adults. As long as the children stay in the house/nest, then they do not learn to fly.

 

Moving back to take care of parents is the exact opposite. This actually shows a level of appreciation for what your parents did for you as a child. Now it is your turn to make decisions for them, and show them how well they have raised you.

 

However, if you are living at home because some or all of your bills are paid, you live rent free, or you have food cooked or laundry done, then you essentially are still not "flying."

 

If you are living at home because you are in debt, then you still are not learning to "fly" and deal with life's problems. When we get in debt, then we must get out of debt. I have debt....and I can say that if someone would let me live with them rent free until I got out of debt, then I would snap that up in a heartbeat. But I know that this would not be best for me in the long run, because once I got out of debt, then there is no incentive to stay out of debt because I can always move back into "the nest" when needed. I can only imagine what my dad would say if I wanted to move back home. I know how disappointed he would be. I can only imagine how I would feel as a parent if one of my sons came home because he was in debt. To me, this would mean I failed to teach him what he needs to know to be an adult.

 

I am really not directing this at anyone, but I do have some strong opinions on this. I come from a family that my father would feel as I do, but my mother wanted to keep us all in the nest...for HER own reasons. I think many parents (and as one now I see why) allow their children to stay home not because it is best for the children, but because they want to keep their children from feeling pain. However, they end up crippling their children and prevent them from growing up into responsible adults.

 

Just my 2c.

[sweetjasmine]

On the other side of it....living on your own teaches you responsibility. You are forced to face issues that you do not have to when living at home. You fall, you fail to pay bills, you lack the responsibility to buy food....you suffer because no one is behind you telling you what you need to do.

 

I agree. But I also think that it's possible to learn those things while living in your parents' house.

 

I have a family, but boy, it would be nice to move back home and have meals cooked, bills paid for, and decisions made for me. Living at home helps keep us "carefree." We do not have to make decisions that effect us, because there is someone else to follow behind.

 

Living at home doesn't have to mean that other people are paying the bills, preparing your meals, and making decisions for you.

 

Does that mean everyone should move out at a certain age? Not necessarily, but the goal of every parent is to train the children to be adults. As long as the children stay in the house/nest, then they do not learn to fly.

 

If you live at home and your parents don't treat you like a child, then, yes, you can learn how to fly.

 

However, if you are living at home because some or all of your bills are paid, you live rent free, or you have food cooked or laundry done, then you essentially are still not "flying."

 

Again, I agree, but you can live at home without having all that.

 

I don't live at home, but my older brother does. He covers a significant chunk of the bills, fixes things that need fixing, does groceries and housework when needed, and does his own laundry. If he wanted to live on his own, he wouldn't have any problems adjusting.

 

So like I said, it's not necessarily about where you live but what your relationship with your parents is like.

[JamesM]

I agree. But I also think that it's possible to learn those things while living in your parents' house.

 

Yes, it is. And even living on your own, one can learn by calling the folks. The problem with living at home is that someone else is either responsible or actually paying the bills...even if they teach you. Someone else makes sure these things are done.

 

You are right in that we should be learning these things when we are home before we move out.

 

Living at home doesn't have to mean that other people are paying the bills, preparing your meals, and making decisions for you.

 

True. However, if this is the case, then essentially, home is just an apartment. I didn't get that this is what was being asked.

 

 

If you live at home and your parents don't treat you like a child, then, yes, you can learn how to fly.

 

You can learn how to fly, but there is still the security of knowing that falling will be much easier.

 

As a parent, I can say that it is very hard to treat children as adults when they have never left home.

 

I don't live at home, but my older brother does. He covers a significant chunk of the bills, fixes things that need fixing, does groceries and housework when needed, and does his own laundry.

 

And I am not judging you or your brother. My brother stayed at home for a few years after I did, and he was four years older than I. However, I know it wasn't good for him.

 

As you said, relationships can be different. But from my experience and from the children that I have seen stay home (outside of my own family, too), there is a tendency to avoid facing life head on without a security blanket. It allows the grown child to still have fun. I have seen young people move in with other members of their family and essentially be a renter. This seems to be a better choice, because when living with parents we tend to let them remain in charge. or in some cases, they never let go of being the parent.

[sweetjasmine]

And I am not judging you or your brother. My brother stayed at home for a few years after I did, and he was four years older than I. However, I know it wasn't good for him.

 

I didn't think you were judging anyone. I also agree that staying at home isn't that good for some people and I think it's probably not good for most people.

 

As you said, relationships can be different. But from my experience and from the children that I have seen stay home (outside of my own family, too), there is a tendency to avoid facing life head on without a security blanket. It allows the grown child to still have fun. I have seen young people move in with other members of their family and essentially be a renter. This seems to be a better choice, because when living with parents we tend to let them remain in charge. or in some cases, they never let go of being the parent.

 

I think there's a tendency, too, but it's also possible to live with your parents and have an adult relationship with them, so I try to keep from forming an opinion until I see the details of a particular situation.

[kahn2154]

For the most part this is not the case for me, I live with my dad and he doesn't do any of my stuff, I buy and prepare my own meals/do my own laundry, etc. I guess he looks out for my car is only thing since I know nothing about them. Honestly its the other way around in which I do stuff for them (my mom asks me to run errands and my dad barely speaks english so have to do some of his stuff)

 

I guess I'm not moving out for three reasons:

 

#1 I want to move into NYC, rent will be like 2k a month, I make good money, but 2/3rds of my salary basically goes into SEP IRA/Taxes and just don't like the idea of spending like 24k on rent alone. I mean just doing math in my head after Rent/IRA/Health Insu/Taxes I'd have like 20k to live on in NYC, which I don't know is enough (Food/Utilities/Entertainment, etc) (I'm really frugal with my money Like to have a cushion)

 

#2 The whole SAD, I'm completely socially awkward and just scared that I'll move and basically sit in my apartment the entire time.

 

#3 My parents are divorced and alone and have no one, and for some reason I always feel guilty for every dumb thing, and just feel guilty about moving and leaving them alone, especially since I already told my mom and I know she doesn't want me to move since shes talked me out of it before. Shes especially needy and gets pissy at me if I don't visit it her for more than two days. Its kind of weird I feel guilty too since I know if we switched positions they would have no problem leaving me, in fact my dad plans on going back to his native country next year (I overheard him on the phone) but has denied it to me. Knowing him (he got remarried 10 years ago and has yet to tell me, and has gone on extended vacations without giving me more than 1 or 2 days notice) I'll know about it two weeks before he leaves.

[mytigerlily]

Filipinos are known for a closely tight family. Most of the children live with their parents even they are old, they live wit their parents with their kids.I am glad that you have so much love for your parents and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, you are such a lucky one to have both of your parents. Like in my case, my dad died when I was 5. We are now living with my mother.If only I can turn back the moment, I will still choose to have our both parents.Have a nice day...

[Quinch]

I guess it makes a big difference if you actually get on with your parents. I admit that I'm a little jealous of people who can do that.

 

I do all my own laundry, my share of the chores and I pay towards the bills each month. The only thing I don't do is cook (there's a chip shop right across the road) but I can do a decent lasagne so I wouldn't starve if I were on my own. I can't do DIY either but if I was in my own place and a fuse blew I would rather get a book and learn how to fix it myself than ask my dad to do it for me.

[Odyssey]

I don't think age has much to do with it. It's more about how well you get on with your folks. I'm 32 and i don't feel ashamed at all.

 

After losing my job, i had to rent out my apartment to other people and moved back in with my parents, in order to keep the mortgage paid every month.

 

It does kinda suck after living on my own for so long, but i feel more like a renter than anything else because they respect my privacy. But they do have a tendency to push me into doing a lot of the DIY around the house now.

[JamesM]

 

I guess I'm not moving out for three reasons:

 

#1 I want to move into NYC, rent will be like 2k a month, I make good money, but 2/3rds of my salary basically goes into SEP IRA/Taxes and just don't like the idea of spending like 24k on rent alone. I mean just doing math in my head after Rent/IRA/Health Insu/Taxes I'd have like 20k to live on in NYC, which I don't know is enough (Food/Utilities/Entertainment, etc) (I'm really frugal with my money Like to have a cushion)

 

I think this could be a good reason if you are planning on a day to move. Perhaps moving into NYC is unrealistic for now. The question is...when.

 

You said you made good money yet you do not want to spend money on rent. You are basically leeching off your parents because you are saving 24k a year. This reason by itself is not a bad one IMO, but I do not think it is the real reason.

 

If you were to get married, would you be ready to be independent?

 

#2 The whole SAD, I'm completely socially awkward and just scared that I'll move and basically sit in my apartment the entire time.

 

With all due respect, I think this and the next reason are really why you are staying home. You do not want to be alone. It is easier to stay home than get out and meet people. Many, many shy people survive quite nicely and actually realize that jumping out of the nest was the best thing for them.

 

#3 My parents are divorced and alone and have no one, and for some reason I always feel guilty for every dumb thing, and just feel guilty about moving and leaving them alone, especially since I already told my mom and I know she doesn't want me to move since shes talked me out of it before. Shes especially needy and gets pissy at me if I don't visit it her for more than two days.

 

And here lies the real problem. I know...this describes my mother to a T. She was upset and full of anxiety when I moved out. In fact, I had to move my stuff out quietly so as to not overly upset her. However, when I was married, this move helped her tremendously because she did not have this to worry about at my wedding. She made every one of us feel guilty for "leaving her." Funny thing is....it was actually good for her, too.

 

This goes back to when I said that parents want to keep their children young. While I truly do think respecting parents is what should be done by children, we must recognize what is respecting them and still keeping respect for ourselves.

 

A mother that does not want you to move out because of her own needs is being selfish to you.

 

In this case, I still think that my first analysis is correct. You should be moving out for your benefit and your parent's benefit. This does NOT mean you won't be visiting. In fact, I think frequent visits are in order for awhile. And as you become more independent, then you can decide when to visit based on your schedule and not because you feel guilty.

 

Going back through a couple of your threads and seeing that you have not dated due to shyness (and discovering that you are a guy) makes me even more sure that in this case, the best way for you to open up and be an adult is by forcing yourself to move out. Even if you only moved a couple of miles away from your folks instead of into NYC, I think that you would benefit greatly. It is extremely scary...I know from experience. But there is no way that I would move back home even if I were single. Why? Because the independence that I have as an adult makes it pretty much impossible for me to no longer be "the head" of my household. I would consider it a failure on my part to live successfully. (The obvious exclusion is moving home to care for a sick parent, but then I would still be th eone who is in "control.")

[Isolde]

I have debt....and I can say that if someone would let me live with them rent free until I got out of debt, then I would snap that up in a heartbeat. But I know that this would not be best for me in the long run, because once I got out of debt, then there is no incentive to stay out of debt because I can always move back into "the nest" when needed.

 

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with helping out a family member with a temporary need like this, where it's been proven that the person is basically responsible for him/herself. It doesn't always become a pattern.

[Isolde]

Oh another thought... I admire people who take care of their parents, but I'm undecided on how healthy this is long term for both parties. If your kids are pretty much grown and your parents are ill, that's one thing, but if you're still young and your parents are basically OK, it doesn't make any sense to me.

 

In general, there's nothing wrong with living at home for awhile if you draw your own salary and maintain your own finances. The important thing is to learn the self confidence that comes with physically living alone in addition to the above. I think it's best not to delay it too much.

[Pedigree]

I'm starting to think that the only way people will enthusiastically move out is if they can't handle (because of personality clashes) living with their parents anymore. I've read a lot of stuff with people of my generation (the so-called Generation Y) getting along so well with their parents that no one has a problem with them staying put.