no desire for intimacy with SO.

[msundrstood]

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, in the beginning I was definitely phisically attracted to him but since we got a little more serious, I guess the relationship started feeling more like a friendship to me. Anyway, I just never think about or really want to kiss or cuddle or have sex with him anymore. I think that us not having sex is because I need to be gotten in the mood and since I never really have the desire to kiss and cuddle or have any type of foreplay, it just hardly ever happens. Occasionally I just want to have sex but even then, its just like a need that needs to be fulfilled and I dont have any urge to waste time with 2 hours of foreplay. (I know that sounds awful but I'm just trying to be honest about how I feel in order to give everyone an understanding) I know that he wants to have sex more often but he's not very good at making a move or maybe I'm just subconciously ignoring it when he does.

I really feel like we have gotten into a somewhat comfortable rut and we're used to having each other around and comfortable with each other always being around but I don't feel any passion in the relationship, emotionally or phisically. I have talked to him about this but he doesn't understand that there is a problem. We have never had a fight. And maybe I shouldnt be complaining about that but it just doesn't seem normal to me, not that I have a history of normal relationships but it just seems like there should be more emotion in this one. He says he loves me but I dont know if we have the same definition of love.

Maybe it's just me. I haven't been in very many long term relationship and maybe I'm missing the excitement that comes with meeting someone new and having something new to look foward to.

This guy is really good to me and even though I know he can't be happy with the way this is going, he is very accepting and devoted and I don't think he would ever end the relationship because of it. So it's all on me to decide whether I would be doing us both a favor by ending it or if this actually is normal (I really dont think it is) and how to fix it.

Thanks for reading.

[Thornton]

I've been in this type of relationship before, and it sounds to me like this guy just doesn't push your buttons sexually. You have a great friendship because he's obviously a nice guy and you like him as a person, but the attraction just isn't happening on the physical level. Let me tell you this: if you're not physically attracted to someone you don't actually have a relationship, you have a friendship and that's all, so you should stop kidding yourself. When you meet a genuinely nice guy it's tempting to overlook the lack of physical attraction because you get along and he treats you right, especially if you're lonely and he keeps you company, but sooner or later the lack of sexual attraction will come back to bite you in the ass when you finally do meet someone who makes you go weak at the knees.

 

Here's an important question: Are you attracted to other guys but not to him? Do you see other guys, even if only on tv, and get hot under the collar? If so then the problem is simply your lack of physical attraction to this particular guy, and unfortunately that's something you can't force no matter how nice he is.

 

My advice is to choose: either work on regaining your sexual attraction to this guy or end the relationship. If you continue in a passionless relationship you'll remain unfulfilled, and you'll very soon be ripe for an affair. Do you even want to work on your sexual relationship with him? Or do you just not have those sort of feelings for him? If you don't, there's your answer: break off the relationship and find a guy who you are attracted to.

[utterer of lies]

whether I would be doing us both a favor by ending it

 

Yes.

 

 

how to fix it.

 

End it.

[Kamille]

I've also been in a similar relationship in the past and all I can say is that I can really feel for both of you.

 

And yet, I never want to be in a similar situation in the future.

 

The thing that has changed, thanks to an amazing past lover, is that I now crave the intimacy that comes with sex. I never used to.

 

I also "worked" on myself when my almost sex-less relationship ended and came to realize that I held my ex accountable for my own sexuality and sex-drive. I didn't do the things that made me feel sexy anymore: like dress myself up, make time for us, light candles... Just take time for myself to relax before a date. Little little things that make all the difference.

 

And it's good that you are talking to him about it, but another lesson I learned is that there are two ways to talk about this: the "there is a problem" way and the "how can we spice things up" way. Surely, you see the difference.

 

You say he's not very good at making a move... Well, imagine coming onto your partner only to be shut down, time after time. Let me tell you, in time, your approach becomes more and more timid.

 

Another thing: realize what sex means to him. While I was with my ex, for me, sex was sex. It wasn't the primary way I felt connected to him. I came to resent his desire for sexual intimacy, thinking, wrongly, that our relationship should be about more then sex. With the last guy I was dating, I remember thinking that as long as we had the kind of sexual closeness that we had, we could never go wrong. Because the sex wasn't about the sex, it was really about feeling close and intimate with each other.

[msundrstood]

Here's an important question: Are you attracted to other guys but not to him? Do you see other guys, even if only on tv, and get hot under the collar? If so then the problem is simply your lack of physical attraction to this particular guy, and unfortunately that's something you can't force no matter how nice he is.

 

Well, the thing is, I'm pretty picky about who I go out with, I've went for a year or 2 at a time and not dated anyone because I didnt feel a connection with anyone that I knew at the time. And so, No, there is no one whom I have been around since I've been with him who I have actually been turned on by, I see attractive guys occasionally but no one I actually talk to and I'm not the type who can really get aroused without knowing anything at all about a guy. I have always had these fantasies though that someday I would meet this great guy who is attractive and just "gets me", someone who I have a real emotional connection with, and I have been kinda revisiting those fantasies lately. But the thing about that is- Its not real. And as much as I would like to believe that it could be, That may not exist for me. This guy that I am with now is real and he may be as real and as good as it gets.

And when I met him, there was a physical attraction and I did want intimacy with him, but I guess I was the one who pursued the relationship and he seemed to just agree with it but after it became a relationship, it became boring or something, the talks that we had and have were just like general discussions you would have with your friends, He asks how my day was and so I tell him about work or whatever and he comments. But there were no intimate discussions or anything that we have ever had where I felt like we really connected. And I think that maybe because I felt a lack or an emotional connection that over time I just lost the desire to be intimate with him. But sometimes I think that maybe I'm just expecting too much.

[msundrstood]

I've also been in a similar relationship in the past and all I can say is that I can really feel for both of you.

 

And yet, I never want to be in a similar situation in the future.

 

 

So what happened, I take it that you guys broke up but did you end it because of this problem or try to fix it first? Were you on my end of the situation or his?

 

Another thing: realize what sex means to him. While I was with my ex, for me, sex was sex. It wasn't the primary way I felt connected to him. I came to resent his desire for sexual intimacy, thinking, wrongly, that our relationship should be about more then sex. With the last guy I was dating, I remember thinking that as long as we had the kind of sexual closeness that we had, we could never go wrong. Because the sex wasn't about the sex, it was really about feeling close and intimate with each other.

 

I relate to this but I don't know if it is in the same way that you mean it, because I believe that I am now seeing sex as just sex while he wants more intimacy and closeness and I think that I resent his desire for sexual intimacy because it seems to be the only way that he knows how to be intimate and I feel that there should be more than that. I just don't think that we have the emotional connection that I always wanted to have with someone, but again, I don't know for sure that kind of connection exists because I have never really found it.

 

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

[Kamille]

So what happened, I take it that you guys broke up but did you end it because of this problem or try to fix it first? Were you on my end of the situation or his?

 

We broke up our 2.5 year relationship after being in an LDR for three months. But to tell you the truth, my lack of sex-drive throughout did play into the insecurities that led to LDR being nearly impossible. He was afraid I would find somebody else who I was more attracted to. I wasn't looking, considered myself in love with him, but it made an LDR impossible.

 

We were trying to fix things but, as you no doubt know, these things are complicated. Part of our problem is that we weren't compatible lovers... In other words, the sex was boring. Fortunately, that's something that is fairly easy to work on.

 

We also went on vacation at one point and my sex-drive returned with a vengeance. So I started working on stress-management.

 

But the one thing I never worked on while I was with him that I have since worked on (in the relationship that followed it), was taking responsibility for my sexuality and making myself feel connected to my sexuality.

 

Also, I switched from taking the pill to being on the nuvaring. I believe part of my lacking sex-drive was linked to the pill, and some studies do confirm it could be the case. So if you are on the pill, you could ask your doctor about contraceptive methods that have lower levels of hormones and see if it helps at all with your sex-drive.

 

 

I relate to this but I don't know if it is in the same way that you mean it, because I believe that I am now seeing sex as just sex while he wants more intimacy and closeness and I think that I resent his desire for sexual intimacy because it seems to be the only way that he knows how to be intimate and I feel that there should be more than that. I just don't think that we have the emotional connection that I always wanted to have with someone, but again, I don't know for sure that kind of connection exists because I have never really found it.

 

 

Yes, I think we are talking about the same thing, with the possible exception that I did feel my ex and I otherwise shared great emotional intimacy. Well great... It was good. But I still felt annoyed when he would make the moves on me. It was like we were close, we were great friends, we made each other laugh, we got along wonderfully but the minute he would approach me for sex, I felt disconnected from him. I felt he was quite clueless about what would turn me on... It felt like he was tentatively begging me for sex, which, well, made it somehow all about him and not about me at all... I want to be seduced, wined and dined, not approached with a puppy-eyed look. Maybe you'll understand what I mean.

 

And yet, with distance, I realize that I was having my cake and eating it too. Here I had a great relationship that I found otherwise satisfying, but there I was demanding that a partner I kept shutting down be more assertive and confident sexually...

 

And what I was saying in my previous post is this. I've been in two short term relationships since then (one 8 months, the other 3) and I approached sexuality completely differently, with great results. When my sex-drive started to wane in the 8 month relationship, I went lingerie shopping, booked a massage, made time for me to rekindle with my sensual side. And you know what, it worked. Not only that, it made me realize that I too benefitted from the intimacy that comes from sex.

 

I guess, basically, what I'm saying is this: my ex and your partner have a point: sex does produce intimacy, perhaps the kind of intimacy that produces the type of emotional connection (and thrill) that you say is lacking from your R. There is nothing quite like making a man feel like he's manly. Like he's your all in the bedroom. In my experience, it makes them feel empowered and adds to the thrill of the relationship, with them therefore spontaneously doing the little romantic things that I love.

 

You say you don't feel emotionally connected to your partner... You know what that means to you. OF course an emotional connection is important, but it is something that is negotiated. Maybe you can make it happen for you and your partner by spicing up your sex life instead of giving up on it.

[Thaddeus]

Here's the problem:

I haven't been in very many long term relationship and maybe I'm missing the excitement that comes with meeting someone new and having something new to look foward to.

And here's why:

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, in the beginning I was definitely phisically attracted to him but since we got a little more serious, I guess the relationship started feeling more like a friendship to me.

What you're experiencing is perfectly normal. It's even been measured by scientists who study these sorts of things.

 

Romantic love lasts just a year

The eternal question: does love last?

 

To expect that you'll constantly have those fluttery feelings, those yearnings of infatuation and continual mutual orgasms simply isn't a match with reality.

 

It's got nothing to do with your boyfried, it's simply a function of biology and evolutionary adaptation.

 

So you've got a choice: You can ditch him, find someone else and get that rush of feeling back for, oh, a year or so, then ditch that guy and do the same thing all over again.

 

Or you can recommit to your partner and try to make it work.

 

And a big, big part of making it work is going to be in the bedroom. Sex is the fundamental component of romantic relationships. When the sex starts to fall off, the rest of the relationship won't be far behind.

 

The choice, as always, is yours.

[msundrstood]

Thank for the replies everyone.

 

but there I was demanding that a partner I kept shutting down be more assertive and confident sexually...

 

I know that I'm doing this but it's actually been going on for awhile now and in the beginning I tried to talk to him about it and he's just not easy to talk to, it seems like he tries to ignore when there is a problem, He never initiates a conversation about any of this or any other situation that he may be unhappy about in the relationship. He just listens to what I have to say about the situation, gives little or no input and then seems to forget the conversation ever happened. So, after all this I just kinda gave up on trying to talk about it. Or do anything about it, And so we've been hanging out and getting along just fine but I know that I can't continue to let it go on like this. It really does feel more like a friendship than a relationship and I want more from a relationship, but I guess what my problem really is that I keep wondering, Am I asking for too much? Does what I am wanting from this relationship even exist in relationships or is it just me living in a dream world?

[greystone08]

Am I asking for too much? Does what I am wanting from this relationship even exist in relationships or is it just me living in a dream world?

 

It sounds like you've fallen out of love with him and you feel guilty about it. First, you need to ask yourself, Do I love him? Then ask yourself, Does he make me happy? Is there anything I would miss about him if he were no longer around? If the answer is yes to 2 out of 3 of the questions, then maybe you ought to try to tell him that you care about him and you maybe consider some couples counseling. If he refuses, then I think it would be safe to say that he's made the decision for you. If your answer is no to 2 out of 3 questions, find a way to slowly start backing off and end the relationship. Only you are the one who can answer these questions. You can't lie to yourself. That might lead you to infedility or anything. Someone could get hurt!!!

[whichwayisup]

You need to take control and spice it up! Surprise him and make things more passionate again!

 

This is what a relationship is.. What you feel at the beginning when it's all new and exciting slowly disappears..(Mind you, it usually takes longer than a year and a half to fade away like yours has) and then it comes back again. Though it takes effort from both people. Chemistry comes and goes, depending on what's going on in your lives.

 

It could be that you've reached the plateau and realized that you aren't inlove with him as much as before and aren't sure if he's worth it in the long run. And it's OK to feel that way if you can't see yourself with him long term.

 

Talk to him, be honest in a loving way. Hopefully with effort you two can get that passion back again.