How do I build a social life at 30?

[nionio]

How do I build a social life at 30? Or how do I get better at building/maintaining casual relationships?

 

So, I've been meaning to ask this for a while. I've concluded that I suck at making friends. I'm also pretty sure that I suck at keeping friends. I want to change this. It's seems like a gyroscope, tough to get started but a lot easier to keep going once it's going already.

 

It can't be as hard as I'm making it as most everyone seem to be doing it just fine. It seems to be effortless for most people.

 

WHERE I'M AT

 

-Work full-time in a very challenging job (lots of interaction is necessary and good communication skills are vital, by the way) and I'm good at it

 

-Live in a conservative area. Most people are married in their early 20s here, part of the culture. Lots of very religious people here (the majority) who are generally inclusive. I'm not religious, at all. I think it's a limiting belief to say that I can't be friends with them, but there are some real, widely known difficulties with doing so. My experience is mixed.

 

-College full-time, at night, 4 days a week. Will finally be done at the end of the semester. Have been doing this for 6 years straight (not always full-time). Class has not provided few social opportunities as people don't generally converse much. It's a commuter campus. It's also at night, so by 9pm when we get out, everyone is beat and just want to get home, including me. My energy is gone at this point.

 

-Generally outgoing, tons of acquaintances, but few friends and seem to be unable to turn acquaintances into friends. Lack of trying, lack of know-how, and fear of rejection play into this, although I do try sometimes

 

-Getting very few invites. Sit home most weekends. Don't like it.

 

-As a kid, I always had a few close friends, or a best friend. Not popular, didn't care, never tried to be, didn't know how to be, although I wish I knew how now

 

-I'm very friendly in-person but since I'm so busy, it's like if someone isn't in front of me, they don't get any mindshare. I know I'm bad at keeping friends. I don't call them often, if hardly ever. Feel weird calling dudes to see how they are doing anyway. I don't invite people to do things, partly because I like I don't have time, partly because I don't have a crew to do things with, and partly because none of my hobbies are social ones.

 

-Everybody seems to be into sports. They're only attractive to me for social reasons. I'm 30 and I don't know how to play most of them. It would be weird to join some team or league or something and not know what I'm doing at all.

 

-I don't stink, am attractive, fashionable, have some disposable income, confident, etc. I actually smell good, haha.

 

-I'm not creepy or a perv or antisocial. I might be a little weird or quirky, but who isn't?

 

-After searching the net, everybody always seems to say "go do what you love" or "find some hobbies". Easier said than done. I have lots of hobbies, I just have little time for them, and none of them are really social, nor are they very conducive to meet people I would consider similar to me. I'm learning to play the drums, play video games, learning to snowboard, produce dance music. I workout, random times and frequency, equipment at home. Would be into camping, hiking, biking, roadtrips, clubbing, traveling, etc if I actually had people to do those things with. I also am into entrepreneurship and startups. Most of my 20s was spent in a few startups of my own (like the bootstrapping sort where you are locked away trying to get things off the ground with minimal overhead), which left me with little, if any, time to socialize.

 

-The friends I have now are few and far between. There's one here, there's one there. Most are married and doing that whole thing. Not really interested in living it up like a single person, going out, etc. I'll see them occasionally, go to lunch or dinner or something. If I'm lucky, I'll get them to party a little.

 

-I'm not on facebook. I don't really want to be, but I'm starting to feel like I need to be. I did myspace a few years ago, I guess I'm over it. I don't like the time it sucks up. I don't like how it tends to replace real social interaction, to whatever degree.

 

-Have had an average number of girlfriends. These type of relationships come a lot easier to me. But I have yet to maintain a girlfriend and have an active social circle at the same time.

 

WHERE I WANT TO BE

 

-Would like a small crew of somewhat like-minded people to run with. Do activities, go out, hit the bars, try new things, etc.

 

-I would prefer that they were similar to me, outgoing, attractive, into similar things, have goals in life, going somewhere, etc. But I realize you can't necessarily choose your friends..or can you?

 

-Want to know how to turn acquaintances into actual friends. I must have missed learning how somewhere along the way, because I suck at it, girls and guys.

 

-Want to get invited, be included by others. There is nothing quite like the sting of not being included. Don't want to invite myself...tried it once, really awkward, haha.

 

-Want to meet new, preferably cool people. Don't know how or where. I could re-join the dominant religion and take advantage of that. Lots of people similar to me there, except with a magical worldview that conflicts with a lot of things, like the simple pleasures of imbibing and being vulgar/non-PC occasionally. There are always a zillion church activities going on, plenty of people my age, although mostly married.

Not an option because I think the religion is bogus and intrusive, but it's there. I've heard about meetup.com. It seems to cater to an older crowd than me. Singles or mixer-type events seem to be freakshows around here. Tried those a couple of times anyway.

 

-Having friends creates more opportunities to meet girls, too. Always good. I can make it happen anyway, but it would help. Plus I would assume girls think it's a bit odd that I don't have a group of friends..

[Still Trying]

Sounds like you need to prioritize your life. You're focusing so much on your professional life that you don't have time for socializing. Well, guess what, you already know what needs to happen, there's no secrets that you'll find here. Relationships, romantic, or platonic take effort. If you're not willing or able to put in the effort, then you don't have any friends. There's so many people on this earth why would someone choose to spend time with someone like you? It's just like a romantic interest, if he/she wasn't interested in spending time with me, I'll find someone else who is. You're competing with people who have common interests and a willingness to put forth effort into their relationships - two things that you're strongly lacking.

 

I've created the strongest friendships based on common interests - passions even. It doesn't sound like you're passionate about anything except for work and school maybe? There's only so many hours in the day, so what's it gonna be? You want someone to wave a magic wand and create a social life for you? Doesn't work this way and you know it already. You just need someone to tell you what you already know. Sorry.

 

Full time at work and school pretty much means that you're pursing happiness in the future, and not so much now. That's the American dream, careful with it.

[gopher]

Try a website called www.meetup.com , whatever your interests are, you'll most likely find a group of people who share them.

 

Movies, Book clubs, singles group, bar hopping, sports....just about anything you can think of.

 

Good luck!!!

[runner]

first, you've got a defeatist attitude about making friends; you want some but you say you can't make it happen, and from there probably not putting enough effort in it. you say you are acquainted with some people so why not pick a few and make the time to hang out with them? nothing to talk about? take your entire post and talk about that. who knows, someone might find you endearing and actually want to be your friend too.

 

second, couples and married people need to socialise too. give them a chance.

 

cheers

[nionio]

Sounds like you need to prioritize your life. You're focusing so much on your professional life that you don't have time for socializing. Well, guess what, you already know what needs to happen, there's no secrets that you'll find here. Relationships, romantic, or platonic take effort. If you're not willing or able to put in the effort, then you don't have any friends. There's so many people on this earth why would someone choose to spend time with someone like you? It's just like a romantic interest, if he/she wasn't interested in spending time with me, I'll find someone else who is. You're competing with people who have common interests and a willingness to put forth effort into their relationships - two things that you're strongly lacking.

 

I've created the strongest friendships based on common interests - passions even. It doesn't sound like you're passionate about anything except for work and school maybe? There's only so many hours in the day, so what's it gonna be? You want someone to wave a magic wand and create a social life for you? Doesn't work this way and you know it already. You just need someone to tell you what you already know. Sorry.

 

Full time at work and school pretty much means that you're pursing happiness in the future, and not so much now. That's the American dream, careful with it.

 

You make some good points. Yes, maybe I do "know" a lot this stuff already. However, after years of living my lifestyle, I feel like I can't see the forest for the trees. Knowing it and applying it effectively are 2 different things. This stuff may be common knowledge, but it is not common or routine for me. I think it might be like driving, once you know how it's easy. When you're first trying it, you're all over the place and its anything but second nature.

 

Getting someone else's perspective on it is what I'm looking for, even if you feel like you're stating the obvious, since maybe it'll help me see what's in front of my face better, or help it sink in.

 

Thx

[anotherworld]

Here's my straight, albeit a little out of place for this forum, advice:

 

Finish your degree, quit your job, and go travel for a year. It seems like you would have a good amount of money saved up, and the beauty is you can wander and travel around the world for a lot cheaper than living somewhere. You seem to have no reason not to, it even seems like you've exhausted every option available to you.

 

Say goodbye to the life you live, since clearly it isn't making you too happy, and go to Western Europe and meet travelers in hostels from around the world. Go to latin america or southeast asia where it's even cheaper and do the same thing. You'll meet people and maybe even join them. Maybe fall in love. People in the traveling mindset are much more open to meeting people, and the dating thing comes along with it (though much faster and much more physical for the most part-- not always). You'll make great friends and while it sounds crazy, you and the other parties will be very happy to see eachother again in the future.

 

Vagabond around for awhile until you feel content somewhere; if you meet enough local people and somehow scrounge up a job, you could even get a visa to live there.

 

If that doesn't work out (and by all means normally it doesn't work like that), come back to a different city, a different state, a different region. There will be new people and on top of that you will be a new person. Not that your current person isn't any good; but with new perspectives and the knowledge of new types of people, life will be even more beautiful.

[runner]

^^ not out of place. i think this is a fantastic idea - done some of it myself

[nionio]

anotherworld:

 

This is a great idea. You got me thinking about this. I actually hired a girl last year that does this very thing. She'll go off to some random country, stay in the hostels, come back in a few months.

 

I'm pretty settled here (mostly with stuff and bills and a really good job), but once I'm done with the degree, things may have changed. I spend quite a bit of time wondering what it's like to live in other cities in the US...and what other countries are like. I've thinking about some short trips anyway...

[lovestruck818]

How do I build a social life at 30? Or how do I get better at building/maintaining casual relationships?

 

So, I've been meaning to ask this for a while. I've concluded that I suck at making friends. I'm also pretty sure that I suck at keeping friends. I want to change this. It's seems like a gyroscope, tough to get started but a lot easier to keep going once it's going already.

 

It can't be as hard as I'm making it as most everyone seem to be doing it just fine. It seems to be effortless for most people.

 

WHERE I'M AT

 

-Work full-time in a very challenging job (lots of interaction is necessary and good communication skills are vital, by the way) and I'm good at it

 

-Live in a conservative area. Most people are married in their early 20s here, part of the culture. Lots of very religious people here (the majority) who are generally inclusive. I'm not religious, at all. I think it's a limiting belief to say that I can't be friends with them, but there are some real, widely known difficulties with doing so. My experience is mixed.

 

-College full-time, at night, 4 days a week. Will finally be done at the end of the semester. Have been doing this for 6 years straight (not always full-time). Class has not provided few social opportunities as people don't generally converse much. It's a commuter campus. It's also at night, so by 9pm when we get out, everyone is beat and just want to get home, including me. My energy is gone at this point.

 

-Generally outgoing, tons of acquaintances, but few friends and seem to be unable to turn acquaintances into friends. Lack of trying, lack of know-how, and fear of rejection play into this, although I do try sometimes

 

-Getting very few invites. Sit home most weekends. Don't like it.

 

-As a kid, I always had a few close friends, or a best friend. Not popular, didn't care, never tried to be, didn't know how to be, although I wish I knew how now

 

-I'm very friendly in-person but since I'm so busy, it's like if someone isn't in front of me, they don't get any mindshare. I know I'm bad at keeping friends. I don't call them often, if hardly ever. Feel weird calling dudes to see how they are doing anyway. I don't invite people to do things, partly because I like I don't have time, partly because I don't have a crew to do things with, and partly because none of my hobbies are social ones.

 

-Everybody seems to be into sports. They're only attractive to me for social reasons. I'm 30 and I don't know how to play most of them. It would be weird to join some team or league or something and not know what I'm doing at all.

 

-I don't stink, am attractive, fashionable, have some disposable income, confident, etc. I actually smell good, haha.

 

-I'm not creepy or a perv or antisocial. I might be a little weird or quirky, but who isn't?

 

-After searching the net, everybody always seems to say "go do what you love" or "find some hobbies". Easier said than done. I have lots of hobbies, I just have little time for them, and none of them are really social, nor are they very conducive to meet people I would consider similar to me. I'm learning to play the drums, play video games, learning to snowboard, produce dance music. I workout, random times and frequency, equipment at home. Would be into camping, hiking, biking, roadtrips, clubbing, traveling, etc if I actually had people to do those things with. I also am into entrepreneurship and startups. Most of my 20s was spent in a few startups of my own (like the bootstrapping sort where you are locked away trying to get things off the ground with minimal overhead), which left me with little, if any, time to socialize.

 

-The friends I have now are few and far between. There's one here, there's one there. Most are married and doing that whole thing. Not really interested in living it up like a single person, going out, etc. I'll see them occasionally, go to lunch or dinner or something. If I'm lucky, I'll get them to party a little.

 

-I'm not on facebook. I don't really want to be, but I'm starting to feel like I need to be. I did myspace a few years ago, I guess I'm over it. I don't like the time it sucks up. I don't like how it tends to replace real social interaction, to whatever degree.

 

-Have had an average number of girlfriends. These type of relationships come a lot easier to me. But I have yet to maintain a girlfriend and have an active social circle at the same time.

 

WHERE I WANT TO BE

 

-Would like a small crew of somewhat like-minded people to run with. Do activities, go out, hit the bars, try new things, etc.

 

-I would prefer that they were similar to me, outgoing, attractive, into similar things, have goals in life, going somewhere, etc. But I realize you can't necessarily choose your friends..or can you?

 

-Want to know how to turn acquaintances into actual friends. I must have missed learning how somewhere along the way, because I suck at it, girls and guys.

 

-Want to get invited, be included by others. There is nothing quite like the sting of not being included. Don't want to invite myself...tried it once, really awkward, haha.

 

-Want to meet new, preferably cool people. Don't know how or where. I could re-join the dominant religion and take advantage of that. Lots of people similar to me there, except with a magical worldview that conflicts with a lot of things, like the simple pleasures of imbibing and being vulgar/non-PC occasionally. There are always a zillion church activities going on, plenty of people my age, although mostly married.

Not an option because I think the religion is bogus and intrusive, but it's there. I've heard about meetup.com. It seems to cater to an older crowd than me. Singles or mixer-type events seem to be freakshows around here. Tried those a couple of times anyway.

 

-Having friends creates more opportunities to meet girls, too. Always good. I can make it happen anyway, but it would help. Plus I would assume girls think it's a bit odd that I don't have a group of friends..

 

I hate to say this...but maybe you are not meeting people b/c you are 30 and still in college? Most people in their 30's are done with college and want to ahng out people who also are...and are "on their level" education-wise. Doesn't mean you aren't smart, just means people like to hang out w/ people similar to them. People in their 30's may view you as unmotivated or immature b/c ur still in college...and the people that are of college age and are in college probably think they are too young to be friends with you. Puts a damper on the lovelife too. I wouldn't date someone who didn't have his degree by 22. It's not wrong. I think each person is different as well as where you live people feel differently.

[nionio]

Thanks for chiming in LoveStruck818. I've received a lot of helpful replies and insight, but yours gave me a good laugh. Most people don't go around and base who they socialize with based on how much education they have. Some might, but how many people enjoy hanging out with someone with such a narrow worldview? Sure, birds of a feather naturally flock together, but few go to the extent of seeing people in such strict terms as you seem to. There's a world of grey between black and white.

 

Based on your reply, you seem pretty young and/or naive. If you see not having a college degree by 30 as some sort of indicator of laziness or immaturity, you might really be able to get your head around who someone like me is anyway. There are a lot of people who haven't been through the formal education system that are intelligent, motivated, successful, and powerful--as much or more so than many of their college-educated peers. I won't get into details, but don't mistake my lame social life and later-than-average college experience for a lack of success or lack of motivation.

 

The love life has not been affected by this either. Coincidentally, if I met someone who tried to screen me based on if I had a degree by age X, I wouldn't be interested anyway. So, we've got that going for us.