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dumped weeks before wedding


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hello.this is the first time i am ever posting anything. so i hope i do this right. i welcome opinions/advice/perspectives from ppl on my situation. i apologize in advance for the length, but i really tried to make it as short as possible:

 

my fiance and i have been dating since right out of high school, as "kids". .about 15 years or so. we are very similar in the sense that we will pick out the same things, have the same humor. . .but our argument styles are different; while he tends to clam up i tend to barf out what i feel. it is a continuous effort to keep this in mind when we do argue, but it is something we were willing to work on. that's essentially us in a nutshell; the good and the bad. our friends grew up with us too, so our main social world is almost completely the same, although we have our "own" friends on the side; our families have known us for so long, they consider us as "part of the family." he has had family problems in our long history which affected his life goals, our relationship, and throughout i have stuck through it with him, throughout the good and bad. . . there were times when we broke up and we dated other ppl, which i attribute to us "growing up," but in the end, the relationship was solid, and he proposed to me last year (after about a 6 year continuous relationship) after discussing with me about getting married.

 

we had picked a wedding date after talking about it and decided that our original date of 3 years should be bumped up to 1 year, just due to our scheduling of job and school. my fiance is in graduate school in a different state, and i have just graduated my graduate school in our home-state; i wanted to get married before i started a new career-job. he had been away at graduate school for about 1 year prior to the proposal. that 1 year away, it was very hard for me, being in my home-state, with everything to remind me of us, while he was away and could essentially separate himself from his life here and start a "new" life. that 1 year was very hard for the relationship, but it came through alright and made me feel we were all the more stronger for it. . . it "ended" in a proposal, right?

 

the last year of my graduate school i was very stressed out trying to plan a wedding by myself. most of my good girl-friends have recently moved out of state and i was here by myself trying to schedule my graduate school rotations, boards, and finals with wedding planning--of which we had a pint-sized budget for a wedding list a mile long. my fiance, when he would visit home during breaks, helped me with the wedding planning, which left little time for us to really just "be around" each other and enjoy the little time we had together.

 

this past thanksgiving break he came back and we had 3 baby showers (i threw 1 of the 3, helped with the second, and 3rd one was just a guest), 2 thanksgiving family dinners, 2 good-friend birthday dinners (i planned them), i still had classes 2 of the 5 days of the break, we wrote our wedding vows, wrapped 200 favors, and planned our timeline for the wedding, including all the dj songs. we even learned a dance. we also dealt with visiting his ailing father who seemed to be doing worse in the nursing home recently. this was all within 5 days. by the end of the week, we were exhausted, and he had to fly back to his school, and i had to return to my school, both headed for finals.

 

fast-forward to my finals week. i finished my finals on monday alright, and my graduation followed that thursday. this same week, he had finals up through friday. so, when i called him on monday night to talk about how my finals were and how his was going, i felt pretty good. he was, of course, still stressed out.

 

he started an argument, just complaining about all the things that i do wrong. this was 2 weeks before the wedding, and 1 week before he was supposed to fly back home. i couldn't help but think he was having cold feet and was stressed. i asked him if we are just having an argument or if he was thinking abt not going thru with the wedding. he admitted that it was the latter.

 

my heart felt like it stopped. i didn't know if i was breathing. fifteen years flashed before me. family. friends. all the trial and tribulations.

 

i suppressed those thoughts bc he was stressed out. i suggested we talk later.

 

in the subsequent conversations that we had, he did not change his mind. he said we argue and he doesnt' think he is ready to get married. he said he didnt' mean to propose to me and for fifteen years he realizes he has just felt comfortable and didnt know if he really loved me.

 

every time we talked i just hoped he would realize he was having cold feet. but by the 5th or 6th conversation, my heart had been trampled on too much. i realized this was what he felt and not cold feet.

 

he had made up his mind we should cancel the wedding. so, since he was still away, i had to go through the painful process of cancelling the wedding, making all the calls, listening to people gasp, ask me if i'm alright, say we were a good couple and what happened and 'weren't you together for a long time?' and all that. it was horrible. i walked around my apt and attempted to throw away and donate-away items that reminded me of us. . .it had all been fake. . . all my memories were not real. . .i was completely devastated.

 

i had said in the last phone call that we shouldn't talk anymore; if that's the way he felt about me i didn't want to talk with him because it was too painful. he still was yelling at me and not even talking to me like gently. it was awful. i could not understand how he could throw away the past 15 years together. i did not understand what he was upset at. i asked him if he was seeing someone else; he completely denied it. i couldn't understand then, what was happening.

 

i ended up smoking a pack a day (went from 2 cigarettes a day to 20); i forgot to eat and was crying all day long. friends would come by and bring me food. i still had to go and pick up my finished wedding dress. it hung like a ghost in front of my closet. and he did not call to check how i was doing, or ask to see how i was doing. he did not even apologize for the suddenness of everything. everything was just my fault; our relationship was just "bad" and not "going anywhere." i called him and left msgs tellg him i still loved him. my calls went unanswered.

 

when he got back into town, he tried to come by my apt to talk to me; i didnt' answer. i didn't want to hear him yell anymore. i was amazed i still had tears to cry, but they came everyday. everyday i woke up i woke up crying without even thinking about anything. i was a mess.

 

after 2 days in town without talking to me, i heard from mutual friends he was thinking about leaving town to go back (early). he had said to them that there was no sense sticking around if i wasn't going to talk to him.

 

i caved in. i went to talk to him. and when i did, he was apologetic. it was the first time he had been. he looked at me like he used to. he said he had f***ed up and made the biggest mistake in his life. he said he didn't understand why he had flipped out like that, but he would wait forever for me to change my mind. he was sorry.

 

there is nothing i want more than for things to be okay. but the thing is, i can't get around everything that has happened. he didn't even fight for us. my girl-friends say i shouldn't even let him talk to me. i talk to him everyday. he has since flown back to his school, and i am still in the home-state. the thing is, i don't think he's trying hard enough. he hasn't even given me a graduation present for my graduate school, which took a lot for me to get through. i had to remind him about it.

 

and yet, he tells me when i do talk to him, how he loves me and made a mistake. i believe he is earnest. but maybe he just has trouble showing it in the way i need.

 

i flip-flop everyday. i want him back, and then don't want to risk it and don't believe him. i cry every other day, pretty much, just thinking about it.

 

it has been about 2 weeks since we were supposed to be married. do i just need more time? is this salvagable? should i just let this go? should i not talk to him to think more clearly? should i just try to move on? i don't even know how to move on. fifteen years. . . he is the only person i've ever loved; in many ways i thought we already were married. . .most ppl are lucky to have that long a married-life. . . i thought i would grow old with him and have kids with him; i'm not exactly a young spring chicken anymore. and now, i feel i was so easily forgotten by him, like betrayed, like he cheated on me or something; he so easily forgot who i was, who we were. . .what do i do now? should i try to work on this?

 

so that's pretty much it, in a long nutshell. any comments? :lmao:

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Did he cheat on you? Meet someone else and is he confused? Or is he just scared of being with one woman for the rest of his life without experiencing anyone else?

 

Counselling will help, for both of you, together and apart.

 

This isn't about you, nor what he feels for you. The love is there, it's just at age 15 you two got together and now it's 15 years later..People change and grow, so it is possible he's grown apart from you.

 

Anyway, I hope this helps, please do consider the counselling to help you two decide what's best for your future(s).

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thank you for listening and responding :)

he did not cheat on me; for what it's worth, i believe him for that. he says he was scared of "screwing up" and making a big mistake later and losing me after we got married (his own parents are divorced), and now he realizes that that is exactly what he did by calling everything off. he says he didnt' mean what he said before, that he does love me, has always loved me, and wants this to work. he is willing to go out this very day and marry me on the spot. . .but i dont' think i'm ready for that now.

the thing is, is that we're in different states. counseling is something that sounds really good; i think we both would be willing to do that. but in different states, i don't think that that is possible. it would require me to move to him, and that is a big risk for me. :) maybe there is an internet source? :) maybe we should look for something like that.

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Then definately get pre-marriage counselling to help you both through this. It'll help him cope with the fears of the unknown - The future - And understanding committment to one another. You are not his mom and he is not his dad, so to think that he'll end up divorced like his folks IS his fear speaking out.

 

If you are going to marry him, then think about the move. Or atleast temporarily move to where he is? Is that possible?

 

When you two are married, where do you plan on living? Where he is or is he coming to you?

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originally, after we were going to be married, i was going to stay put. he was going to finish his grad school and move back home.

when the conversations started about splitting up, i offered to move to where he was to work things out but under the context we were getting married. . .i was thinking we needed time to "be" around each other in order for the relationship to work, and was willing to do that for us to be happy.

after the wedding was called off, my family and friends have basically told me i should not talk to him and i should definitely not move there to be with him. this is a hard decision. but the added complication is that i have boards to take in a month and i already have a job lined up here. so, moving for me at this point would mean i would be sacrificing my job and need to take boards in a different state. that would mean, too, that all of it would be temporary for 2 years or so, when he would want to move back to our homestate anyway. i just feel i'd be giving up so much of myself on the chance that he is really strong enough to hang in there and work things out with me.

if nothing changes, he'd move back to our home-state in about 2 years. he originally was thinking about specialty (another year) but has recently said he doesn't care about that anymore and wants to be with me; he realizes his priority in life is his life with me and not his job. . . it's the first time he has talked like this. . .

i will think about what you said about moving but not really sure if it is possible. ty again.

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AlektraClementine

Hamlet- I am SO sorry that you are going through this. Man, what a blow.

 

I think you were right when you said he wasn't trying hard enough. I think the best thing for you and your self esteem right now is to focus on you. It would be terrible if you put anymore effort into this and then have him do this to you all over again. Not saying he would but I really think he needs to do all of the work right now. Yes, relationships are a partnership and it should be 50/50/. But he really screwed you over and he's got some catch up work to do. He's going to have to work his ass off to prove to you that his intentions are real and true. Come to think of it, he also needs to prove this to himself.

 

 

Why don't you just sit back and relax a while. Enjoy the fact that you just accomplished something very hard fought. Congrats on your graduation byt the way! That's awesome! Now. Sit back and enjoy it. Focus on your boards and your new job.

 

Let Mr. Cold Feet pull some of the weight for a while!

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