JackJack Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Some of you may remember a post a made awhile back about my sister in law and her husband just up and saying he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore and his past was catching up with him etc. So he left and went to stay at his dads. Come to find out, the real deal was there was another woman. Which my sister in law knows about, and it ending up up being the main reason he left. Ok, well, some time has past and of course he has been coming to see the kids etc, and they both went about two weeks ago to sign seperation papers to make it legal blah blah. This past Friday my wife gets a call from her sister saying her husband called said he wanted to try and work things out, my sister in law tells my wife I owe it to him to try and work on things with him. He comes over they spend the day together, going out doing some more Xmas shopping. It wasn't that either one of them was trying in one day to make things the way it was before, of course that will take time. I think they just were trying to make it as comfortable as possible. Had a great day is what she tells me wife. That evening when they return home, he heads to his truck and says, after spending the day together he now is NOT sure once again what he wants, but then tells his wife that he does know, "HE IS IN LOVE WITH THE OTHER WOMAN!":mad: So my sister in law says she was just numb and blown away, didn't know what to say other than, "Then go be with her." He leaves. Then has the nerve a few hours later to call her and ask her if she is mad! Ok so this was Friday and Friday evening this took place. Of course we are all, especially my wife really pissed off that her husband is doing this. The next day Saturday arrives. My wife texts her sister to see how she was doing while we were on our way over to my folks house. My sister in law texts my wife back saying, her husband came home last night, begging and pleading to take him back. My sister in law tells my wife ONCE again I owe it to him to try and work on things, so she says she has now taken him back! My wife didn't know what to say other than she text her back saying, maybe you guys she go for marriage counseling, and her sister texts back saying, he husband wont go thats not his thing. I'm all for trying to work things out, so don't get me wrong but this guys track record right now is not real believable. How can you spend and entire day with your wife telling her you want to work things out then later that same day, tell her you are in love with the other woman, then the next day beg to come home and be taken back? Does this seem odd? What is he trying to do? I just hope if infact he is there, its for their marriage and not just to help get the kids through Xmas then up and say, "I don't want to be married anymore." I also hope its not because he got pissed off two weeks ago when he found out he was going to have to pay more than he thought. We are supposed to have a family Xmas get together and that is really going to feel uncomfortable, who knows he may change his mind again and be gone. I feel he is playing with her mind, the sad thing is she is letting him. Its hard to be sympathetic to someone's situation when you see them being treated a certain way and they are some how allowing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Jackjack, all you can do is to support her which includes giving her the advice she needs to get her head on straight. Right now, I'll bet she's going through a myriad of emotions, of which fear of loss is factoring heavily into her decisions. When I say fear of loss, this would include ego/pride, financial, and love/emotional security. While it's not rational, I wouldn't doubt she's going through "I was his one and only. If he comes back to me, everything will be the same". The sad reality is that he's not seriously interested in going back. If he does, he'll still keep his chippy on the side. There's no remorse, not even real guilt going on with this mid-life crisis boy. I don't know about you but I would have real issues treating him nicely. If anything, I would probably give him a piece of my mind. The only problem is that creating a hostile environment for him, will give him the excuse to walk and that's not what she wants. You and your wife are in a very difficult situation which requires a balancing act. Maybe polite civility but nothing more? I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackJack Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 Thanks TBF for your reply. I feel bad for her, I really do, BUT, it makes me wonder how many times she is going to take him back before she realizes he is probably not going to change or is there for the wrong reasons. Of course I don't mean to make it sound like she has taken him back over and over and over again, and I do believe in trying to work things out, but I think what irks me so bad and my wife, is the fact he spends a day with her, telling her he wants to work things out, then tells her that same day he is in love with another, then begs to come back home the next day. I'm not sure what that is trying to accomplish other than just mess with people's heads even more. I do think its clear he is confused. There is a part of me that wants to tell him off, its not my place I know. Plus, I'm not so sure it would even matter. My wife is having a hard time with it because its her sister, and she doesn't want to see her get hurt anymore. The worst part is, its the kids who are in the middle of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 If he is the one who did wrong shouldn't your sister in law become affirmative now? Shouldn't she be allowed to have things done her way with no negotiations? If this were my husband and he wanted him to come back to me there would be a whole list of things that needed to be done. Including individual and marriage counseling. The second one being ending all contact with this other woman. JackJack be wary. My friend had her husband cheat on her, she filed for divorce, he came back and tried to make it work, she dropped the divorce and then he left her and filed the divorce himself. So he made out better than he would have had he been the defendant. Money could be the reason for him wanting to work things out for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I feel bad for her, I really do, BUT ... There is a part of me that wants to tell him off, If I could get in the role of Devil's Advocate... Are you struggling with how to set your own boundaries so that your sis-in-law's problems will not have any serious or lasting negative impact on your own heart-mind, nor on your wife's, nor on your marriage, nor on your own household's? Cos those are all valid concerns and do need to be addressed -- this guy DOES currently hold the potential (and power) to throw a lot more lives into chaos and turmoil than just his own kids and on-again-off-again "wife". And, you are right to want to protect your immediate people and environment. Thing is, it may be wiser to do it from this perspective (acknowledging your real fears/concerns, establishing limits, making known your intentions/desires) than by trying to figure him out, judge their situation, and/or whatever else may feel like an easier way to deal/cope with his (and your sis-in-law's) crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 May I ask, are you totally ok with having them over? I was just thinking about how awkward the xmas get together may be. BUT, maybe being with the whole family will help the Husband to see the bigger picture? Personally I would not be able to hold my tongue if anything kicked off and so would find it a burden to even have to THINK about having them come over and so would prefer to visit them... after xmas. My sister in law ran off with some guy last year and the day before christmas that year my Mother in law invited herself, her husband, my sister in law and her children to our new home.. I felt that it would be pretentious to have them all over, especially as our relationship changed because my sister in law simply isnt cognitively 'with us' anymore. She is living in a complete fantasy world - all wrapped up in her affair. Her choice I suppose but it doesnt mix well with other people around. All I can say is be careful that the drama doesnt overspill into your home with any added expectation that you are supposed to behave in the same manner as your sister in law and put up with it/understand it all. Whatever happens make sure you behave in an authentic way and maintain what messages and beliefs you and your family live by. Chances are it will probably all be fine. He may not want to attend in the end or may attend and choose to keep the problems he is experiencing to himself.Best of luck,Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Sorry, Ronni said what I was saying but more eloquently!Regards,Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Sorry to hear about all of that. It could be any reason for why he decided to come back. With what you have said here, it is hard to believe what he is saying is true and sincere though. Who knows, since he did the complete turn around from one day to the next, maybe this other woman got wind of him talking with his wife and kicked him to the curb, so he felt he had no choice but to come back and beg his wife to take him back. I believe things can work out also if people want them too. I do think he might have to bite the bullet though and enter into some marriage counseling if he wants to try and put his life/marriage back together. Link to post Share on other sites
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