Feel Like dying

[Wookie]

I don't know who to talk to I have had a hard time dealing with feelings I have acquired professional help and, I'm no teenager, I am just lulling into complacency, I feel like I just don't want to be around. I have friends and a loving wife. It is so selfish a thought. I am in my senior year in engineering and I feel like everything is a grind. I sit and think real hard often what the hell I am hanging around for. I am not afraid of not existing any longer. The only reason that I can rationalize for not pulling the trigger is that people would be inconvenieced. I often imagine that if I were in the right place where no one would know where I had gone and died well you know where this self pitty is going. I guess I just need to talk. I do plenty of activities, climbing, music, exercise, school, I function well but feel like I don't want to be around still. I think of my emo existance like that mad world song often. I just wake up and the same day happens no matter the country or the company. I'm upbeat but I'm just tired of this....... I don't even know how to tell my wife how I feel. I often remember all of the friends that I have lost through the years. Sometimes I think of their faces and can't recall them. I wonder if people could let go like that for me, if only, I love them I could just go without them, well forever I guess. I just see myself increasing the expectations of myself everyday, to a point where either I just passivly deal with it or agressivly acuse myself of failure. It is pretty ****ty. My wife said I cannot judge my character by single actions. It is true, I just am tired of dealing with it. What can I do to feel cares again that dosen't invest more people that could be hurt by my choices. I am smart enough I guess I know that there is no magic that will fix this. Whatever **** this. Thanks

[Quinch]

Don't give up. I was there a few years ago but I'm still here now because I didn't give up and I'm so glad that I didn't. Life got better gradually and it scares me to think how much I would have missed out on if I had followed those instincts. Please go back and get some more help.

 

Good luck

[zhsoj]

I often feel the same way. Graduated from an engineering program a couple years ago... Have a decent job, not much to worry about, etc... I don't really consider myself suicidal, but then most days I'd be happy to be hit by a speeding truck... Anyways I say that because I think this sort of boredom is common among engineers. Engineers aren't very well respected in popular culture, and younger engineers aren't terribly well respected within the engineering circle...

 

Anyways, I'd suggest finding something outside of work to be passionate about. Perhaps put that engineering brain to work by volunteering to build habitat for humanity homes, or trail building, or soup-kitchen logistics... Something that you can feel good about.

[JamesM]

I think it is the stress and anxiety that you have that causes those feelings. Imagine a world where you felt confident of the results of your engineering tests and knew that you would graduate with a desired grade. and then imagine that you had the job you desired with the marriage that you wanted.

 

Imagine this and tell me...would you not want to live?

 

Having been in those last few months of school (with no wife), I know the feelings that seem to overwhelm. Looking back, I do not envy you ow want them back. However, looking back, I can say that in a year or two at most, these feelings will diminish and life will look more positive.

 

"Experts" say that the most tumultuous times in our lives are from about 22 yrs to 30 yrs of age. This is the time when we make the most decisions which affect us for the rest of our lives.

[OpenBook]

The only reason that I can rationalize for not pulling the trigger is that people would be inconvenieced.

 

Wookie, this was the one thought that nipped my suicidal thoughts in the bud, way back when during my own dark times. Only, people would not just be inconvenienced. They would have to clean up the mess I left. They would be wracked by guilt, agonizing over whether they could have prevented me from taking myself out. For the rest of their lives it would haunt them. It's a terrible sentence to bestow on others - and all because they love you. Don't go there!!

 

I suspect there is something happening (or has happened in the past) in your life that you cannot resolve in your mind, and you're exhausted trying to grapple with the despair at not being able to resolve it. I am here to testify that despair is only one of many outcomes, and it is totally within your power to reject it, and choose another path. I urge you to seek counseling immediately. Talk to somebody about this; someone objective who can see things that you can't. There's ALWAYS another way. Good luck, and I'm praying for you.