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I am a 43 year old divorced woman with 3 grown children. I have been divorced for almost five years and have had a couple of relationships since. I met a man that is wonderful to me---treats me extremely well and everything clicks. The problem? Large child support payments and he has NO MONEY. I sometimes pay for things - which really bothers me; I am not used to that. I don't think it's good for his ego and I know it's not good for mine. His youngest is 10 (16 and 19) and he pays a tremendous amount. He can't even afford an apartment of his own. He rents a room in a house. I own my own home and my three children are rather independent. We make about the same amount of money but his work is in sales (rather flaky business) and I am scared to put my financial future at risk. I am extremely financially responsible because I have no one to bail me out if I get into trouble and I have to be there for my kids if they need me. I love this man and we get along PERFECTLY--no arguing, no jealousy, no womanizing, NO PROBLEMS-----except money. I have been with him for 9 months and I figured out that he was financially limited after about a month. I have stayed because I don't mind doing simple things that don't cost money-----but I am not 12 and would like to go places and do things now that my children are grown. WHAT DO I DO?

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You accept the situation as it is or you move on. THe children and those payments are his responsbilities as a parent. He also has a time commitment to the children. If you cannot accept that this is going to go on for years to come then he is not the right man for you. It does not make you a bad person or wrong, it just means that reality must get in the way. I would look at how he treated me though verses the money. I would accept it if he treated me well. Because if you dont someone else will scoop him up quick.

I am a 43 year old divorced woman with 3 grown children. I have been divorced for almost five years and have had a couple of relationships since. I met a man that is wonderful to me---treats me extremely well and everything clicks. The problem? Large child support payments and he has NO MONEY. I sometimes pay for things - which really bothers me; I am not used to that. I don't think it's good for his ego and I know it's not good for mine. His youngest is 10 (16 and 19) and he pays a tremendous amount. He can't even afford an apartment of his own. He rents a room in a house. I own my own home and my three children are rather independent. We make about the same amount of money but his work is in sales (rather flaky business) and I am scared to put my financial future at risk. I am extremely financially responsible because I have no one to bail me out if I get into trouble and I have to be there for my kids if they need me. I love this man and we get along PERFECTLY--no arguing, no jealousy, no womanizing, NO PROBLEMS-----except money. I have been with him for 9 months and I figured out that he was financially limited after about a month. I have stayed because I don't mind doing simple things that don't cost money-----but I am not 12 and would like to go places and do things now that my children are grown. WHAT DO I DO?
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YOU ASK: "WHAT DO I DO?"

 

Sorry, you're with the wrong man. Things are only going to get worse as his children get older and more expensive to maintain. Since his youngest is ten, he's got another eight years of child support but, as you know, the expenses for all his children are not going to come to a halt at that point. There are cars to buy, college to pay for, etc.

 

It sounds like he won't even be able to cover but a small part of all that.

 

There is no future here for you with the guy beyond a nice friendship. Resentment will build over time as you start putting a lot more into the relationship financially than he is capable of.

 

It is not selfish to expect a partner to contribute at least as much to a relationship. This guy will not be capable of doing that for a very long time.

 

Now, since everything else is going so well and if your ONLY concern is going places and doing things, you can stay with this guy but resolve yourself to paying for those undertakings out of your pocket and taking friends with you, since he will have to stay behind to work and support his kids.

 

So the choice is yours...and you are back to square one.

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OK Angie. Let's turn the tables. Here is what your post says if a man wrote it.

 

I am a 43 year old divorced MAN with 3 grown children. I have been divorced for almost five years and have had a couple of relationships since. I met a WOMAN that is wonderful to me---treats me extremely well and everything clicks. The problem? SHE has NO MONEY. (All of HER money and a lot of HER time is tied up in taking care of HER kids) I ALWAYS pay for things. SHE never pays for anything - which really bothers me; I am not used to that. I don't think it's good for HER ego and I know it's not good for mine. I guess I feel like I'm being used. HER youngest is 10 (16 and 19) and SHE pays a tremendous amount (for their care). SHE can't even afford an apartment of HER own. SHE shares a house with others to make ends meet. I own my own home and my three children are rather independent. We make about the same amount of money but HER work is in sales (rather flaky business) and I am scared to put my financial future at risk. I am extremely financially responsible because I have no one to bail me out if I get into trouble and I have to be there for my kids if they need me. I love this WOMAN and we get along PERFECTLY--no arguing, no jealousy, male bashing, NO PROBLEMS-----except money. I have been with HER for 9 months and I figured out that SHE was financially limited after about a month. I have stayed because I don't mind that SHE WANTS TO DO simple things that don't cost money-----but I am not 12 and would like to go places and do things now that my children are grown. WHAT DO I DO?

 

What advice would you give him?

I am a 43 year old divorced woman with 3 grown children. I have been divorced for almost five years and have had a couple of relationships since. I met a man that is wonderful to me---treats me extremely well and everything clicks. The problem? Large child support payments and he has NO MONEY. I sometimes pay for things - which really bothers me; I am not used to that. I don't think it's good for his ego and I know it's not good for mine. His youngest is 10 (16 and 19) and he pays a tremendous amount. He can't even afford an apartment of his own. He rents a room in a house. I own my own home and my three children are rather independent. We make about the same amount of money but his work is in sales (rather flaky business) and I am scared to put my financial future at risk. I am extremely financially responsible because I have no one to bail me out if I get into trouble and I have to be there for my kids if they need me. I love this man and we get along PERFECTLY--no arguing, no jealousy, no womanizing, NO PROBLEMS-----except money. I have been with him for 9 months and I figured out that he was financially limited after about a month. I have stayed because I don't mind doing simple things that don't cost money-----but I am not 12 and would like to go places and do things now that my children are grown. WHAT DO I DO?
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Ok I will say I am not that old so as I see it he may not be the perfect man for you but at the same time if the rolls were opposite that what???? I am only 23 I am with a 20 year old and well I love her and care for her alot and don't want to lose her and I hope she feels the same thing is I am the one who work in the relationship she doesn't so I pay for everything and I am getting p.o.ed with it and she says there is no jobs out there and it is only 80% true as I can find job thing is she is not looking that hard nor trying to find a job that quick fine for now but thing is she wants to go away May 24 weekend and well it is going to cost and I am just getting on my feet if everything works out I will just be paying off some bills so that I have the money to save what do I do.

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Nine months is long enough for you to know if you can make him the man you would want him to be. There is not a thing wrong with sales, as long as what sells can sell its self.

 

Has he talked about goals, where does he see himself in five years? These are the things you should have found out by at least the first month you dated him. Is he trying or does he want to depend on somebody elese the rest of his life? You should have noticed that about him by now.

 

I realize that he has debts maybe the court can help him with a decrease in child support. I know no father would want to take money away from his children. But he's not self sufficient. I imagine they have someone elese thats also supporting them.

 

I am a 43 year old divorced woman with 3 grown children. I have been divorced for almost five years and have had a couple of relationships since. I met a man that is wonderful to me---treats me extremely well and everything clicks. The problem? Large child support payments and he has NO MONEY. I sometimes pay for things - which really bothers me; I am not used to that. I don't think it's good for his ego and I know it's not good for mine. His youngest is 10 (16 and 19) and he pays a tremendous amount. He can't even afford an apartment of his own. He rents a room in a house. I own my own home and my three children are rather independent. We make about the same amount of money but his work is in sales (rather flaky business) and I am scared to put my financial future at risk. I am extremely financially responsible because I have no one to bail me out if I get into trouble and I have to be there for my kids if they need me. I love this man and we get along PERFECTLY--no arguing, no jealousy, no womanizing, NO PROBLEMS-----except money. I have been with him for 9 months and I figured out that he was financially limited after about a month. I have stayed because I don't mind doing simple things that don't cost money-----but I am not 12 and would like to go places and do things now that my children are grown. WHAT DO I DO?
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I would say--you're too young! You need more "bachelor" time to yourself. When you find someone--make sure she has a job! Good luck.

Ok I will say I am not that old so as I see it he may not be the perfect man for you but at the same time if the rolls were opposite that what???? I am only 23 I am with a 20 year old and well I love her and care for her alot and don't want to lose her and I hope she feels the same thing is I am the one who work in the relationship she doesn't so I pay for everything and I am getting p.o.ed with it and she says there is no jobs out there and it is only 80% true as I can find job thing is she is not looking that hard nor trying to find a job that quick fine for now but thing is she wants to go away May 24 weekend and well it is going to cost and I am just getting on my feet if everything works out I will just be paying off some bills so that I have the money to save what do I do.
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Sorry I am new to this forum and don't quite know how to post. Here is my response: You are too young to be in this relationship. You need to enjoy being a bachelor and when you do find a woman, make sure she has a job. Good luck!

Ok I will say I am not that old so as I see it he may not be the perfect man for you but at the same time if the rolls were opposite that what???? I am only 23 I am with a 20 year old and well I love her and care for her alot and don't want to lose her and I hope she feels the same thing is I am the one who work in the relationship she doesn't so I pay for everything and I am getting p.o.ed with it and she says there is no jobs out there and it is only 80% true as I can find job thing is she is not looking that hard nor trying to find a job that quick fine for now but thing is she wants to go away May 24 weekend and well it is going to cost and I am just getting on my feet if everything works out I will just be paying off some bills so that I have the money to save what do I do.
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Great way to turn the tables! But my question to you is: Isn't a man supposed to be the hero? What happened to chivalry? It is my reality that the "man" is supposed to take care of the woman. Believe me, I have worked all my life and don't really expect a man to support me, but my gosh, he should be able to at least be man enough to take her out. How about his self respect and integrity. A real woman (and I am that) needs a man to adore and respect. It is built in the human organism that a man "protects" a woman, in the old days he protected her from predators in a physical way---now it's economic protection to a certain degree. All the table turning in the world won't change that reality. I appreciate your post--you're a thinker. But, can't you really see the difference between a "man" and a "woman".

OK Angie. Let's turn the tables. Here is what your post says if a man wrote it. I am a 43 year old divorced MAN with 3 grown children. I have been divorced for almost five years and have had a couple of relationships since. I met a WOMAN that is wonderful to me---treats me extremely well and everything clicks. The problem? SHE has NO MONEY. (All of HER money and a lot of HER time is tied up in taking care of HER kids) I ALWAYS pay for things. SHE never pays for anything - which really bothers me; I am not used to that. I don't think it's good for HER ego and I know it's not good for mine. I guess I feel like I'm being used. HER youngest is 10 (16 and 19) and SHE pays a tremendous amount (for their care). SHE can't even afford an apartment of HER own. SHE shares a house with others to make ends meet. I own my own home and my three children are rather independent. We make about the same amount of money but HER work is in sales (rather flaky business) and I am scared to put my financial future at risk. I am extremely financially responsible because I have no one to bail me out if I get into trouble and I have to be there for my kids if they need me. I love this WOMAN and we get along PERFECTLY--no arguing, no jealousy, male bashing, NO PROBLEMS-----except money. I have been with HER for 9 months and I figured out that SHE was financially limited after about a month. I have stayed because I don't mind that SHE WANTS TO DO simple things that don't cost money-----but I am not 12 and would like to go places and do things now that my children are grown. WHAT DO I DO? What advice would you give him?
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This is exactly what I expected you to come back with. Since you have stated this is the way you feel about things you should not be confused about what to do. It doesn't seem he is your idea of a man.

 

Isn't a man supposed to be a hero? I don't know. I guess it depends on what the woman is looking for and what you mean by hero. I support your right to ask anything you want from a man.

 

What happened to chivalry? The definition of chivalry the last time I checked didn't say anything about money. It's a moderately liberated world we live in now (at least in the USA). If not for that liberation probably neither of you would be divorced to begin with. Along with liberation came equality for all. Between liberation and equality (both of which I am in favor of) chivalry by most women's definition took a severe blow maybe for the better.

 

What about his self respect and integrity? Nothing you have written about him says that he does not respect himself or that his integrity has been compromised. Just because you don't think he is a "man" doesn't mean he doesn't think that way about himself.

 

If you do not adore and respect this man then exercise your liberation and your equality to free him up to be with somebody who likes him for who he is and how he treats them.

 

The purpose of my previous post and this one was not to put you down. I only want you to see the reality of who you are. I hope through all this you realize what it is you need to do.

 

All the luck to you.

Great way to turn the tables! But my question to you is: Isn't a man supposed to be the hero? What happened to chivalry? It is my reality that the "man" is supposed to take care of the woman. Believe me, I have worked all my life and don't really expect a man to support me, but my gosh, he should be able to at least be man enough to take her out. How about his self respect and integrity. A real woman (and I am that) needs a man to adore and respect. It is built in the human organism that a man "protects" a woman, in the old days he protected her from predators in a physical way---now it's economic protection to a certain degree. All the table turning in the world won't change that reality. I appreciate your post--you're a thinker. But, can't you really see the difference between a "man" and a "woman".
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I appreciated your response and I understand your male point of view. I think I hit a cord with lots of men because lots of men have no money. I am not putting you down, I don't know you. I really want to thank you for your responses because it truly does help me sort things out. I enjoy real honest talk---and that's what this is. But---are men sensitive about this issue because lots of men are in this boat? You see, the way I was raised--the man took care of the woman and actually took pride in providing for her. It doesn't seem to be that way any more. I think women did a lot of this to themselves.

This is exactly what I expected you to come back with. Since you have stated this is the way you feel about things you should not be confused about what to do. It doesn't seem he is your idea of a man. Isn't a man supposed to be a hero? I don't know. I guess it depends on what the woman is looking for and what you mean by hero. I support your right to ask anything you want from a man.

 

What happened to chivalry? The definition of chivalry the last time I checked didn't say anything about money. It's a moderately liberated world we live in now (at least in the USA). If not for that liberation probably neither of you would be divorced to begin with. Along with liberation came equality for all. Between liberation and equality (both of which I am in favor of) chivalry by most women's definition took a severe blow maybe for the better. What about his self respect and integrity? Nothing you have written about him says that he does not respect himself or that his integrity has been compromised. Just because you don't think he is a "man" doesn't mean he doesn't think that way about himself. If you do not adore and respect this man then exercise your liberation and your equality to free him up to be with somebody who likes him for who he is and how he treats them. The purpose of my previous post and this one was not to put you down. I only want you to see the reality of who you are. I hope through all this you realize what it is you need to do.

 

All the luck to you.

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A lot of men and women are sensitive about their income, what they own and what they have and don't have to offer to a SO. Most often these men and women are in the middle class. For those who are well off and those who are dragging the bottom it is pretty obvious where they stand. Those in the middle are too busy trying to live like they are more wealthy and at the same time trying to stay out of the poor house. I'm not trying to make light of anybody's financial situation. It's tough for everybody trying to keep up with the Jones'.

 

For consciencious, divorced parents with dependent children it can be a hard row to hoe. The mother is usually the primary care giver and the father forks out a lot of child support leaving both strapped. The majority of those burdens lessen as the children grow up and fly away but some parents remain strapped to their children's well being far into their adult lives. Even you said "I have to be there for my kids if they need me"!!! Everybody has their own priorities.

 

I don't think there is a man in the world that does not take pride in being able to provide for ALL of his significant others. Does that mean a man of less means will have no pride if he can't? No! A good, clean, honest man will provide what he can. He will do his best to see that every one he cares about is happy and healthy to the best of his ability and if they aren't happy with it tough shikky.

 

Every one should be raised to be and strive to be independent emotionally and financially. It makes life a whole lot better for everybody when you don't have some other physically healthy adult placing demands on you whoever they are. You give what you want and can give without feeling pressured or guilty or expecting to be paid back. On the receiving end you get what they give you and nothing more. On that you determine who will be and who will not be a part of your everyday life.

 

There is a lot more to life than things and places. You would probably give up any thing or place for someone you cared enough about that had what you thought was a bonafied need. All you have to do is figure out who those people will be.

I appreciated your response and I understand your male point of view. I think I hit a cord with lots of men because lots of men have no money. I am not putting you down, I don't know you. I really want to thank you for your responses because it truly does help me sort things out. I enjoy real honest talk---and that's what this is. But---are men sensitive about this issue because lots of men are in this boat? You see, the way I was raised--the man took care of the woman and actually took pride in providing for her. It doesn't seem to be that way any more. I think women did a lot of this to themselves.
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and if you want honey, you better have some money. That is life---like it or not!

A lot of men and women are sensitive about their income, what they own and what they have and don't have to offer to a SO. Most often these men and women are in the middle class. For those who are well off and those who are dragging the bottom it is pretty obvious where they stand. Those in the middle are too busy trying to live like they are more wealthy and at the same time trying to stay out of the poor house. I'm not trying to make light of anybody's financial situation. It's tough for everybody trying to keep up with the Jones'. For consciencious, divorced parents with dependent children it can be a hard row to hoe. The mother is usually the primary care giver and the father forks out a lot of child support leaving both strapped. The majority of those burdens lessen as the children grow up and fly away but some parents remain strapped to their children's well being far into their adult lives. Even you said "I have to be there for my kids if they need me"!!! Everybody has their own priorities.

 

I don't think there is a man in the world that does not take pride in being able to provide for ALL of his significant others. Does that mean a man of less means will have no pride if he can't? No! A good, clean, honest man will provide what he can. He will do his best to see that every one he cares about is happy and healthy to the best of his ability and if they aren't happy with it tough shikky. Every one should be raised to be and strive to be independent emotionally and financially. It makes life a whole lot better for everybody when you don't have some other physically healthy adult placing demands on you whoever they are. You give what you want and can give without feeling pressured or guilty or expecting to be paid back. On the receiving end you get what they give you and nothing more. On that you determine who will be and who will not be a part of your everyday life. There is a lot more to life than things and places. You would probably give up any thing or place for someone you cared enough about that had what you thought was a bonafied need. All you have to do is figure out who those people will be.

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I posted earlier "no money no honey"---a few days ago and received very good advice. I thank you all for your contributions.

 

The saga cotinues. My boyfriend of 9 months has 3 kids (10,16,19) and is financially strapped. This was "his" weekend to have the kids so I always leave him to tend to his kids. I don't believe they are here to see the "girlfriend", but their father. I don't want to get in the way and I am not engaged to this man so I don't believe in putting the kids in any kind of emotional turmoil.

 

--The question: Is it wrong for me to go clubing and dancing with my girlfriend when he is home with the kids? I go out to have a good time and have not cheated on him, but underneath I think I am hoping someone more "appropriate" comes along and that the only reason I haven't given out my phone number is that no one better has come along.

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You probably ARE looking for someone better. A lot of females with boyfriends are doing that. It's sort of the way things go. People date to find the right person. If you're with someone and you find someone who seems to fit the bill a bit better, you take a big risk...break up with your current guy...and see if things work out with the new one. It's done thousands of times every day.

 

So, no, it's not wrong to go out while your guy is home with his kids. In the back of your mind, you probably don't see much future with him. You probably don't want to get strapped with a ready-made family and that is just fine.

 

If you're in a committed relationship, by all means don't cheat. But when you find a guy you thing you'd like to be MORE committed to, then make the announcement to your guy so he is free to go out and find someone he likes who he can please to a greater extent than you.

 

Frankly, if you weren't so insecure, I think you'd break up with him now. It's pretty obvious from your post that you'd jump on the opportunity to start something with somebody else if you found the opportunity but you don't want to take your foot off of one step until you are firmly planted on another.

 

Hey, your guy wouldn't like that if he knew what you were doing...but if he doesn't, he's either pretty stupid or not paying much attention.

 

Go have a good time and find somebody nice for yourself.

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Is this his idea or yours, that the kids not be affected by your presence. I wouldnt think that your r/s with this guy would be any more than phsical because your not there to show the kids how much you love their daddy.

 

So the answer to your question is yes, you can go out with your buddies during "dad's week" and have a good time. Look around for a better deal! It seems like you need a better deal of a man to feel more secure. Everybody needs security.

 

I say enjoy what you have with him now. A friend, somewhat of a companion because we all want that too. And just let nature bring you Prince Charming.

 

Although the appropriate thing to do is let him go so that he can find someone that will love him. Maybe if he were alone he could focus more on his life and how to better it. You think he's going no where fast, than move on. Leave him now, if you honestly think thats what you want. Or start spending less time with him so you dont feel over all attatched to him later down the road when it's going to be even harder on the both of ya when you want to move on.

I posted earlier "no money no honey"---a few days ago and received very good advice. I thank you all for your contributions. The saga cotinues. My boyfriend of 9 months has 3 kids (10,16,19) and is financially strapped. This was "his" weekend to have the kids so I always leave him to tend to his kids. I don't believe they are here to see the "girlfriend", but their father. I don't want to get in the way and I am not engaged to this man so I don't believe in putting the kids in any kind of emotional turmoil.

 

--The question: Is it wrong for me to go clubing and dancing with my girlfriend when he is home with the kids? I go out to have a good time and have not cheated on him, but underneath I think I am hoping someone more "appropriate" comes along and that the only reason I haven't given out my phone number is that no one better has come along.

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Thank you Tony, I think you are the angel, not me.

You probably ARE looking for someone better. A lot of females with boyfriends are doing that. It's sort of the way things go. People date to find the right person. If you're with someone and you find someone who seems to fit the bill a bit better, you take a big risk...break up with your current guy...and see if things work out with the new one. It's done thousands of times every day. So, no, it's not wrong to go out while your guy is home with his kids. In the back of your mind, you probably don't see much future with him. You probably don't want to get strapped with a ready-made family and that is just fine. If you're in a committed relationship, by all means don't cheat. But when you find a guy you thing you'd like to be MORE committed to, then make the announcement to your guy so he is free to go out and find someone he likes who he can please to a greater extent than you. Frankly, if you weren't so insecure, I think you'd break up with him now. It's pretty obvious from your post that you'd jump on the opportunity to start something with somebody else if you found the opportunity but you don't want to take your foot off of one step until you are firmly planted on another. Hey, your guy wouldn't like that if he knew what you were doing...but if he doesn't, he's either pretty stupid or not paying much attention.

 

Go have a good time and find somebody nice for yourself.

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Angle, I don't know what kind of agreement or understanding you have this man you call "boyfriend." A committed relationship has as many different definitions as there are people to interpret it. As long as you and your partner of 9 months are on the same page when it comes to your expectations of one another, I don't think going out clubbing is a terrible thing. He's aware of it, right? You are not engaged therefore you are single.

 

However!...and its a BIG "however"...you should consider your actions carefully. For instance; would you be equally as comfortable with your boyfriend going to a club one night without YOU should he scrape together enough money and get a weekend 'off' with the kids? Ever consider how you might feel if you found out he was spending time with you just until someone better came along?

 

If you've given the whole thing enough thought, and have considered the hypotheticals, and are willing to give him the same freedoms you feel entitled to yourself...than by all means proceed. I would just hate to see you back up on this forum in the future complaining that your boyfriend hadn't been 'honest' about his intentions and is doing the same things that you are doing now. Could insight a raft of sh*t from the less sympathetic members of this forum! :)

 

Good luck...to BOTH of you!

 

PS...I've heard the behavior as Tony has described above referred to as "Monkey Behavior." It's a term used to describe a person who makes sure they have a firm grip on the next branch before they let go of the one they're on. Certainly isn't flattering to be compared to a "chimp"...now is it?

I posted earlier "no money no honey"---a few days ago and received very good advice. I thank you all for your contributions. The saga cotinues. My boyfriend of 9 months has 3 kids (10,16,19) and is financially strapped. This was "his" weekend to have the kids so I always leave him to tend to his kids. I don't believe they are here to see the "girlfriend", but their father. I don't want to get in the way and I am not engaged to this man so I don't believe in putting the kids in any kind of emotional turmoil.

 

--The question: Is it wrong for me to go clubing and dancing with my girlfriend when he is home with the kids? I go out to have a good time and have not cheated on him, but underneath I think I am hoping someone more "appropriate" comes along and that the only reason I haven't given out my phone number is that no one better has come along.

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I have asked my boyfriend if he minds that I go out dancing with my friends, and he said no. I told him that I wouldn't like it if he did it. So I was honest about that. He said go out and have a good time. I have NOT cheated on him. And, yes I am extremely insecure about our future together---because of finances, not because of him. And you are right, it does sound like monkey business. I guess I am just scared. I have even been having nightmares at night (which is RARE)and I think it's because I am very scarred. Thanks for your input. I sincerely appreciate it.

Angle, I don't know what kind of agreement or understanding you have this man you call "boyfriend." A committed relationship has as many different definitions as there are people to interpret it. As long as you and your partner of 9 months are on the same page when it comes to your expectations of one another, I don't think going out clubbing is a terrible thing. He's aware of it, right? You are not engaged therefore you are single.

 

However!...and its a BIG "however"...you should consider your actions carefully. For instance; would you be equally as comfortable with your boyfriend going to a club one night without YOU should he scrape together enough money and get a weekend 'off' with the kids? Ever consider how you might feel if you found out he was spending time with you just until someone better came along?

 

If you've given the whole thing enough thought, and have considered the hypotheticals, and are willing to give him the same freedoms you feel entitled to yourself...than by all means proceed. I would just hate to see you back up on this forum in the future complaining that your boyfriend hadn't been 'honest' about his intentions and is doing the same things that you are doing now. Could insight a raft of sh*t from the less sympathetic members of this forum! :) Good luck...to BOTH of you! PS...I've heard the behavior as Tony has described above referred to as "Monkey Behavior." It's a term used to describe a person who makes sure they have a firm grip on the next branch before they let go of the one they're on. Certainly isn't flattering to be compared to a "chimp"...now is it?

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It was my idea that I not participate with his weekends with his kids. I did meet the 10 year old once and he has told his children that he loves me. I don't like dragging children into a dubious situation --- it's not good for them to see women coming and going (not that he is that type). It is truly to shelter them. I am a mother and wouldn't of done that to my kids.

 

The thing is that I do love him, but sometimes love is not enough. Thank you for your advice--I am just so scarred.

Is this his idea or yours, that the kids not be affected by your presence. I wouldnt think that your r/s with this guy would be any more than phsical because your not there to show the kids how much you love their daddy. So the answer to your question is yes, you can go out with your buddies during "dad's week" and have a good time. Look around for a better deal! It seems like you need a better deal of a man to feel more secure. Everybody needs security. I say enjoy what you have with him now. A friend, somewhat of a companion because we all want that too. And just let nature bring you Prince Charming. Although the appropriate thing to do is let him go so that he can find someone that will love him. Maybe if he were alone he could focus more on his life and how to better it. You think he's going no where fast, than move on. Leave him now, if you honestly think thats what you want. Or start spending less time with him so you dont feel over all attatched to him later down the road when it's going to be even harder on the both of ya when you want to move on.
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Angie, Angel, I'm not sure what to call you now. May I ask what you are scared of?

 

You said before you wanted to be honest so lets be honest. You are using this guy BIG TIME!! When you asked your boyfriend if he would mind if you go out dancing with the girls I don't guess you happened to mention that you might be on the lookout for another guy did you? What a user. Will you please get some respect and dump this guy!!!

 

You said before that you wanted honest talk. You may be talking honest here but are you talking honest to this guy you call a boyfriend? I don't think so.

 

What you are doing to this guy happens all the time so you are in good company. The only problem I see is that you are in the company of a bunch of garbage that's not worth picking up and throwing away.

 

Do yourself and him a favor and breakup with him so you can both get on to other more important things.

I posted earlier "no money no honey"---a few days ago and received very good advice. I thank you all for your contributions. The saga cotinues. My boyfriend of 9 months has 3 kids (10,16,19) and is financially strapped. This was "his" weekend to have the kids so I always leave him to tend to his kids. I don't believe they are here to see the "girlfriend", but their father. I don't want to get in the way and I am not engaged to this man so I don't believe in putting the kids in any kind of emotional turmoil.

 

--The question: Is it wrong for me to go clubing and dancing with my girlfriend when he is home with the kids? I go out to have a good time and have not cheated on him, but underneath I think I am hoping someone more "appropriate" comes along and that the only reason I haven't given out my phone number is that no one better has come along.

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If you were using this guy for his money I would have just a fraction of respect for you because he would probably have some suspicion. You aren't even doing that! You are playing with his feelings. That is most dispicable.

 

You are sitting there knowing it and writing it out on the internet that this guy cannot offer you what you want but you play it like you want him to think you have his best interest in mind and you don't. Under your current set of standards for behaviour I would hate to be your current boyfriend or your next.

Angie, Angel, I'm not sure what to call you now. May I ask what you are scared of? You said before you wanted to be honest so lets be honest. You are using this guy BIG TIME!! When you asked your boyfriend if he would mind if you go out dancing with the girls I don't guess you happened to mention that you might be on the lookout for another guy did you? What a user. Will you please get some respect and dump this guy!!! You said before that you wanted honest talk. You may be talking honest here but are you talking honest to this guy you call a boyfriend? I don't think so. What you are doing to this guy happens all the time so you are in good company. The only problem I see is that you are in the company of a bunch of garbage that's not worth picking up and throwing away. Do yourself and him a favor and breakup with him so you can both get on to other more important things.
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Do you take care of this man? Are you his safety net?

 

When I had asked my friend of ten years (this is during the period I was dating him) if I could meet his little girl. He wouldnt. He said he didnt want his little girl to see him with another women. It hurt because he looked at my like a girlfriend, not a friend he's grown up with. I have known him for the longest time and he has only introduced me to her once.

 

Is this man hurt that you decline to spend anytime with him and his children? If it doenst bother him, than your probably just a convience for him as he is to you.

 

You say you love him, but do you really? After all you want to leave him.I dont believe that there is anything else in this world to live for, poor or not.

 

Your going to have a hard time with this guy unless he improves his life. If you cannot help him help himself, than you wont be happy. I believe it takes two to make a r/s happy. He is not providing you with enough happiness to build a long lasting r/s. Again I suggest you find out what he intends to do about his finance's. How is going to improve his life, his family?

 

Find this out first, see how you can help him improve his family life, work life and judge his motivation on it. That should give you an answer.

 

Or do you feel you would rather be single?

It was my idea that I not participate with his weekends with his kids. I did meet the 10 year old once and he has told his children that he loves me. I don't like dragging children into a dubious situation --- it's not good for them to see women coming and going (not that he is that type). It is truly to shelter them. I am a mother and wouldn't of done that to my kids.

 

The thing is that I do love him, but sometimes love is not enough. Thank you for your advice--I am just so scarred.

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Don't try to fool yourself.

 

If you are out clubbing and dancing with other men while in a committed relationship you are testing the waters.

 

If you loved this guy you would not want to go clubbing.

 

If you loved this guy you would want to get closer to his three children.

 

If you don't love this guy, then leave him.

 

BTW, I do think it is admirable that you have not given out your phone number to any of these men. But let me ask you something, have you danced with any of them in a way that left you sexually stimulated?

 

If so, you know you should not be going clubbing while with this guy who's home with his kids.

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