definition of love: a category error

[midori]

In the last month I've finally come to see something that the people around me knew for a long time: I was looking for a different kind of relationship than my ex-boyfriend was. Friends and family have said as much to me many times over the course of the years that I've known and been involved to one extent or another with this man, but somehow this understanding eluded me until now. Because, I thought, we both wanted to have love in our lives. And we both loved each other. So although at various times he pushed me away and denied his love for me, he was at the same time anguished and jealous, emotional and still -- I thought -- in love with me. I just thought that he was having a hard time facing up to his love for me because his parents' once-loving marriage dissolved into bitterness, even hatred, and a lot of pain that remains unresolved twenty years later.

 

But we were not operating with the same definition of love, and I think this is a major thing to understand -- at least it is for me. My definition of love is true intimacy -- romance and passion yes of course -- but also honesty, consideration, and dependability, something that will provide an emotional foundation for all of life's endeavors. The kind of love I'm looking for is one that will last, that will grow and change as life requires. The kind of love I'm seeking is one that will encompass all aspects of me -- nothing will have to be left out, kept separate or unspoken.

 

And that's just not what my ex is looking for. He uses the word "love" but what he's looking for is what I would call "romance." He wants someone in his life that he can feel good about, someone who makes him feel loved, someone he can have lovely times with and with whom he can have periodic intimate & meaningful conversations with -- but the significance of those conversations will remain confined to the moment and the context of the romantic relationship. Romance is a nice addition to his life, but it doesn't change it. It can be compartmentalized. It's something he can draw strength from when other parts are weighing on him, but it doesn't transform his life in a fundamental way.

 

It's an important thing for me to understand; with it I fully relinquish any hope for a relationship with this man. This understanding makes me feel quite invulnerable to him: his angst & jealousy & intense emotion aren't coming from the same place that mine are; and in fact they're coming from a place that I find to be rather laughable. Not something to be moved by, not something to give credence to. I'm not going to seek him out but if he pops up at some point I'm not going to have to hide from him. I can take whatever nonsense he dishes up, because I know it's just nonsense.

 

I was stymied by a failure to appreciate that even though we were using the same words, my ex & I meant very different things. Failing to appreciate what he was really about, I spent long long hours trying to figure out what he was about, where he was coming from, and how I could help him get to where he wanted to be -- which I mistakenly thought was where I was. I'll bet I'm not the only one to make such a mistake. It's probably the kind of thing everyone must learn in their own way (how many times was I advised of this by others, to no avail?). But for those out there who are in similar struggles, I offer this as food for thought. Think about the thing you are seeking, and what you mean by it. Is it really the same thing as your partner's?

[Tony T]

Wow, what a brain you've got. You are quite a lady of intellect with a grasp of reality albeit sluggish at times and the ability to express yourself quite lucidly in writing. Perhaps I didn't take as much notice of this in your previous posts in the forum. Sorry.

 

Dating is basically for the purpose of finding someone who is right for us in the ways we desire. It's always best to determine that information before falling for someone. Once the love chemicals start flowing, as Shakespeare so astutely noted, we become blind and then we have to depend on our friends and family to grab onto us and guide us from that point on. Yes, your friends were right.

 

It's great you learned these incompatibilities in time, before engagement, marriage, children, etc. Hopefully in your future dating experiences you will take things more slowly to ensure that your goals, dreams, desires, intellect, interests, etc. are generally compatible. The biggest thing we must do is pay attention and have the courage to move on when we determine things aren't right...rather than stick around with the "hopes" that somehow everything will come together. Now, what would make that happen???

 

I am very sorry this has happened to you, that your relationship didn't work out. At the same time, I am thrilled that it didn't get further than it did.

 

Yes, your note regarding language is understood. Even when people tell each other "I love you" they can mean much different things. When someone tells you they love you, they are speaking from their own personal frame of reference and their reference base. While you may mean that your heart palpitates and you think about this person constantly and you want to be with them forever, to the other person being in love with you could mean you are a great cook and they love people seeing him/her with you.

 

No person can ever enter the mind and heart of another to know exactly what the other person is thinking or feeling. That's maybe the biggest downfall of romantic love. There is always that barrier to total and complete intimacy.

 

If you want to chat more, write me at <e-mail address removed> Perhaps we can exchange more tidbits about this subject.

[midori]

You make many excellent points and I would like to pursue this further. Right now I am exhausted from writing final papers so, if I may, I shall take you up on your kind offer and email you in coming days when my brain isn't foggy and drained of coherent thought.

 

Really, thanks. Everyone's support has made me feel a lot better about all this.

[Tony T]

You are quite welcome and I look forward to hearing from you.

 

YOU WRITE: "in coming days when my brain isn't foggy and drained of coherent thought."

 

That's sort of the way my brain operates most of the time. How do you get yours out of this mode?

 

And coherent thought...what is that?