take it for what it is, or proceed with caution

[pandagirl]

I am forging a friendship with a guy I dated recently. Everything is amicable between us and though the ending of our shortlived relationship was his decision, I am fine with it. The romantic connection wasn't all the way there, but we do have undeniable chemisty both in terms of our personality and physically.

 

Ever since we stopped dating, there have admittedly been a couple slip ups of us ending up in bed together, but we both agree it's probably not the best way to have a friendship, so we're working on that.

 

However, the thing I'm a little weirded out about, is he is being very ardent in his pursuit of a friendship with me. He's been inviting me everywhere when he goes out with his friends. He just invited me to a July 4th party with all this friends. Mind you, I didn't even meet these people when we *were* dating.

 

I know he sincerely likes and adores me as a person, but he didn't see me as "the one" for him. But I'm also a little apprehensive about jumping into his social circle. A part of me feels like he's just "keeping me around" because he likes me and is attracted to me, but just not enough to date me.

 

I've just NEVER dated someone for a short period of time (we dated one month), break up with me, then proceed to aggresively keep me in their life. We always have an amazing time together, but does anyone else find this a little strange?

[Jilly Bean]

PG, I found this odd from the get-go.

 

He is telling you that he digs you as a person, is attracted enough to you to keep sleeping with you, yet never saw you as GF material?

 

To me, isn't a GF someone whom you love spending time with AND have physical chemistry with?

 

It truly makes no sense, besides him still getting his cake and eating it too. This way he gets your friendship, gets sex when he wants it, yet he still gets to keep all of his freedom and lack of commitment to you.

 

As many said on the other posting, I don't doubt he does genuinely enjoy you, but I do think he's taking full advantage of your vulnerabilities.

 

Let me ask you this, PG, because you are a smart cookie. What would you advise a GF in this situation?

[pandagirl]

Well, I will say the last time we slept together was totally my doing. He tried to avoid the situation and said that he didn't want things to get complicated, but I basically seduced him because I was drunk and well...you know.

 

What I would advise a girlfriend to do. I'd tell her to chose what she wanted, 1) sex or 2) a friend. You can't have both. There is no true friendship if you are still having sex. And if you want to have sex, you can't hang out as friends as that gets emotionally complicated. Right? Right.

 

I really just want to go the friend route. I think keeping a physical relationship with him is pretty stupid at this point. It's easy to say when I'm not around him, but once we're together, having fun and etc., it seems like we're just dating all over again.

 

Probably best just to take a break from him and date some other guys, but it's hard when we have so much fun together! My friends even say: "Don't mess this up because we like hanging out with him and his friends!" haha.

 

As for him not seeing me as GF material. I think he's emotionally retarded and I'm old enough to know that usually doesn't change.

[Trialbyfire]

pandagirl, what does the word non-exclusive mean to you?

[Jilly Bean]

I think he's emotionally retarded

 

I totally agree with you on this part, PG.

 

As for the rest, I KNEW you knew the answer. Sometimes just stepping out of it for a moment and depersonalizing it can do just that.

 

I wouldn't be able to have sex with someone that I felt so connected with, knowing he didn't want to "date me".

 

I still think he's somehow negotiated things in his favor.

 

I support your decision entirely to keep him as a friend, and stop the sex. It is just muddying everything for you.

 

Any other prospects on the horizon for you?

[pandagirl]

TBF, non-exclusive. I know what it means, but the guy doesn't even want to do that. He's sort of an all or nothing guy. He's been married before and because of that, it seems he's conjured up the perfect girl in his mind and if she doesn't meet every criteria, it's basically a no-go for him. For example, one of my "negatives" was the I liked pop culture too much, while he's into politics. He's looking to fine "THE ONE" and I wasn't it. Again, good luck to him!

 

Honestly, I haven't had sex in such a long time (years!) that I just wanted to take advantage of the fact that I could get easy sex with someone I felt comfortable with and knows about me having H. Can't blame a girl for that, right? haha.

 

Prospects. I'm not much of a dater! I wish I could find someone, but blah, it's hard to meet people in this big city who are quality. And I agree that he has negotiated things in his favor! He may not want to be with me, but he adores me. Tells me I'm the coolest girl he's met, I know he thinks I'm beautiful, his friends love me, blah blah blah. And now he gets to be friends with me? What a lucky bastard.