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He struggles to say I love you


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My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We are really compatible and just fit really easily into each others' lives. He is definitely a man of actions, not words (which I appreciate after having dated guys who proclaimed their love for me but then treated me like crap).

 

Examples: He's consistently attentive to me - getting me a glass of water or wine without being asked to, getting out another blanket when he knows I'll be cold, cleaning snow off my car, changing wiper blades and headlamps for me. He listens to me, cooks for me, asks and cares about how stuff with work and friends is going, asks for my views on stuff going on in his life. I've met his whole family; he's met most of mine. We've recently broached the topic of moving in together. We talk about the future. And a million other things. He's never given me any reason to doubt his feelings for me. I feel sure he loves me.

 

But he hasn't said it.

 

(I told him I loved him for the first time a few months ago. He was clearly touched by it and kissed me really passionately in response - but he didn't say it back.)

 

So last night we're laying in bed and I said I had a question for him: "I'm pretty sure you love me, hon, but I haven't heard you say it. Could you, like, blink once if you do, blink twice if you're not sure, or blink three times if I'm not going to like the answer?"

 

He got really fidgety and uncomfortable looking, like he didn't want to be talking about it. "Do we have to talk about this now?" he asked. Surprised, I said "is this a 'conversation' we're about to have?"

 

To which he said, "No." "I do love you," he said (not looking at me), "but it's... really... hard for me. I've been in this place before... and it didn't work out." Then he was quiet for a bit. Then he kissed me and we had really great sex.

 

So... it's funny. In every way he shows me, daily, that he loves me. But he's afraid to verbalize it.

 

Why am I posting about this? I guess I am wondering if I should be concerned at all. As I mentioned earlier, he speaks through actions much more than through words. And 95% of me thinks "jackpot!!" His actions are completely trustworthy.

 

But I have that niggling little question in my mind as to whether this is a flag of any kind. My girlfriend, recently married, seemed to be a little alarmed that he hadn't said I love you yet. (She and her hubby exchanged ILY about 3 months into their relationship.)

 

Thoughts?

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Tell him to say "Olive Juice" , which in terms sounds like I lOve you..

No, but seriously It sounds like he really does love you, just dont have the nerve to say it aloud. I think if you give him a little time, eventually he will say it. He cant hold out forever

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Start doing things to make HIM feel secure. It is possible since he's been burned before, he's scared to open up and say it because once it's out there, there's no taking it back..

 

All those amazing nice things he does for you - Do for him. Bring him flowers, make him feel special, appreciated and needed. Maybe that will help him open up to you about his feelings.

 

Hope that helps.

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Thanks for the replies!

 

I am good about thanking him for everything he does for me- I definitely don't take it for granted! - and I do try to reciprocate. If he cooks, I clean up. I make the bed in the morning. I treat him to dinner out as much as he treats me, etc. And even though he doesn't tell me he loves me, I do tell him I love him, and that I've missed him when we've been apart for work travel. That said, I have concentrated a lot of my "appreciation" efforts in the bedroom :bunny: which he really, really enjoys.

 

So I *think* he knows how much I care about him, how glad I am to be with him. I made him a scrapbook of our first year together for V-Day.

 

Over time he has definitely been opening up to me more and more, though he's still not comfortable with the ILY!

 

Are there other things I could do to help him feel more secure?

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Actions speak louder than words.

 

I wouldn't press the issue any more. Do you really want to hear, "Yeah, sure I do" prompted by you, or would you rather wait until he comes out withit on his own.

 

Seems to me his actions say it all. The man loves you, don't wreck it over some silly Hallmark<tm> moment you'e been told is "love."

 

Just my opinion, hon.

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Actions speak louder than words.

 

I wouldn't press the issue any more. Do you really want to hear, "Yeah, sure I do" prompted by you, or would you rather wait until he comes out withit on his own.

 

Seems to me his actions say it all. The man loves you, don't wreck it over some silly Hallmark<tm> moment you'e been told is "love."

 

Just my opinion, hon.

 

That makes total sense to me. I wasn't inclined to push it myself, and wasn't even all that concerned that he hadn't said it even after a year of dating -- until my married girlfriend started asking about it. When she did, I started to wonder if there was something I wasn't seeing that could be important.

 

Thanks for the input!

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