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Wife doesn't like me to touch her anymore.


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I'm really in a bad state at the moment. A while after our second child, maybe 6 months or so, my wife started hating me touching her. At the time she pretended it wasn't happening and never said anything and I never knew. This was 7 months ago that this started. About 2 months ago she reconnected with an old online friend from when she was younger and started speaking with him on the phone. I've always been highly trusting and the conversations were pretty infrequent and very platonic sounding anytime I caught any of it but I really wasn't worried so I never really listened in. One day though she was really upset about something and wouldn't tell me what. She just kept crying about how she was a bad wife and a horrible person and on and on and I held her and told her she was the best wife anyone could dream of no matter what she thought. No matter what though I couldn't get her to talk about it and so called her old friend to talk to him more, then later they sent a series of text messages to each other while she was playing mario64 on our old N64. The phone was laying right next to us and one message popped up reading "I wish we were in the same city, I know we'd be together." That really unnerved me and I told her that sure didn't sound like just friends. She just said yea that was a weird message but she just though of him as a friend. I pointed out that he obviously didn't and he wouldn't think that if she wasn't giving him some reason. Finally after a long time and some bad nights of her crying she finally confessed that she has been pretending for a while (this last 7 months). She doesn't know why but she doesn't like the feel of me touching her but she doesn't mind anyone else, its just me. She said her friend on the phone Gary just makes her feel different than I do, more like I did when we were first married. She is generally a very selfless person and now thinks that leaving me is a good thing for her. She has decided that she has spent too much time thinking of others and needs to think of herself for a change.

 

We've been married for 3 years now and have a 1 and 2 year old. Both little girls. I've never been so happy in my life, sometimes I would just sit up at night and stare at Ashely and wonder how I got so lucky to be so happy. I really truly love her very dearly, with all of my heart and I just don't know what to do. I really think I'm a very good father, I spend lots of time with the kids and I love them a lot. Ashely and I's work schedules have been a bit off for a while so we really have only had the weekends together and night time when we shared a bed. Now I'm sleeping on the floor in the living room. I can't sleep, I'm usually awake for hours, somewhere around 2 am or so I usually just break down and cry for a few hours until I go to sleep then I wake up at 6:30 and go to work. I just walk around like a zombie now, not caring about much of anything.

 

She says touching is very important and she just can't be with someone she doesn't like touching her - that she will never be happy like that. I don't know what to do, talking all the time isn't helping, I don't know what separation would do to me, I'm on the brink of losing it as it is I think. I can't stand to be alone without her, I had no idea I needed her so much.

 

What can I do? Why can't she stand me touching her? She says she genuinely doesn't know why but she can't stand it anymore even though she used to love it. How does that just happen. She thinks that she just doesn't love me anymore. I've never not loved her at any moment, even now when I feel so hurt by her I still love her. I'm really broken. Probably no one can help this but I guess reaching out in some way makes me feel better.

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It's over. Your wife is being incredibly selfish and not thinking of the problems that she has/is causing. What I believe is that she came to the realization that maybe she isn't ready to settle down, have kids, and be married. Sounds like she is going through her midlife crisis and doesn't want to be a mother or wife anymore. She wants to re-live her younger days and go out and be romanced by old flames and flings. It's really unfair to you and the children, as she obviously has placed herself and her feelings way above her family and husband. I'd suggest separating from her and letting her do whatever she wants, as that is the only way she thinks she'll be happy. I'd try to let her go and just never think of her again. She's not worth the tears or time anymore to try and reconcile this situation (even if it worked out, the tension and awkwardness of this event will always be a wedge in your relationship). The children are still young so it will not be as impacting, it'll hopefully be easier for them to understand and handle the separation of their parents as they grow up in the situation.

 

Don't try to tell me that you need your wife and you love her. I know you do. But she's practically cheating right in front you and she doesn't care. She doesn't care about you (she doesn't love you) anymore and that is the worst thing a woman can tell you. When you hear those words, there is no going back, there is nothing you can do now but to shut her out as well.

 

I know this is hard. A divorce, a separation is harder than most think and know. I can't tell you that I understand and know how you feel because i don't, but i can only offer you a way to get back on track and live your life again (while finding happiness). There is no happiness if you try to maintain this relationship, there will be nothing but pain and emptiness. Don't hold onto this girl, no matter hard it is to let go, you must. Three years is a long time, but it isn't that long, and you have 2 children to take care of now. They will hopefully realize that their mother was never really the woman you all thought she was, and because of her inability and rash decision making, it is the reason why things have ended up as they are.

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Chrome Barracuda

It's all Bull Shi* She's transfering her feeling from you to this new guy gary. Confront her and him and tell her it's either him or you and the family.

 

This is gonna end badly anyway's you might as well have a clear answer right now before they begin their affair.

 

It happens to everyone, it's not your fault. She's gonna end up F-ing him and then either she'll continue or she'll snap out of it. But you must stop this before it becomes physical.

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I went through a phase like that for about 3 years, that was because my H was a drunk and came in late and I had resentment for him A LOT. He use to complain about it, then he had an EA and now he acts like your W. He touches me when I touch him and he does not really care about anything. He is no longer in the EA and does not care for her either. When you fall out of love for whatever reason, you do not want them to be around you, much less touch you....sad but true. I would try and go to MC and see if that works and if not, move on and find someone you can touch and she wants you to touch her !

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Your wife is being incredibly selfish and not thinking of the problems that she has/is causing.

 

Possibly selfish but I think she just has spent most of her life trying to make everyone else happy but herself. I don't know what that means for this situation but I think she thinks now that she is finally thinking of herself for once.

 

What I believe is that she came to the realization that maybe she isn't ready to settle down, have kids, and be married.

 

Its possible but she really is a very good mother to the children. She loves them very much and loves to play with them and spend time with them. After a lot of what happened sort of settled she said she wasn't ready to file for divorce but she really didn't have any hope of a relationship with me because she needed to like being touched by me to be happy. This guy lives in AZ and us in Kansas and she said no matter what happens she won't leave the town we live in because she couldn't stand to be away from our kids. I really believe this is true. Whether Gary would move from Arizona is a different story and one I don't have the answer to. Even if we separate I really do want the kids to think of her as mom and for her to be a part of their life. Perhaps I have bad judgment but I really really think she desperately loves our kids.

 

 

 

I don't know, I'll muse on this more and post back I guess later on. She came to me a couple hours ago and said I looked like I needed a hug and hugged me and said that she knows its her thats hurting me and thats hurting her a ton too. Last night I was crying and she came and watched me for a while (I didn't know she was) then went back to bed and cried herself. I'm trying not to make her hurt more because it pains me so much to see her hurt and when she told me everything I was really upset and said mean things. :(

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Chrome Barracuda
Possibly selfish but I think she just has spent most of her life trying to make everyone else happy but herself. I don't know what that means for this situation but I think she thinks now that she is finally thinking of herself for once.

 

 

 

Its possible but she really is a very good mother to the children. She loves them very much and loves to play with them and spend time with them. After a lot of what happened sort of settled she said she wasn't ready to file for divorce but she really didn't have any hope of a relationship with me because she needed to like being touched by me to be happy. This guy lives in AZ and us in Kansas and she said no matter what happens she won't leave the town we live in because she couldn't stand to be away from our kids. I really believe this is true. Whether Gary would move from Arizona is a different story and one I don't have the answer to. Even if we separate I really do want the kids to think of her as mom and for her to be a part of their life. Perhaps I have bad judgment but I really really think she desperately loves our kids.

 

 

 

I don't know, I'll muse on this more and post back I guess later on. She came to me a couple hours ago and said I looked like I needed a hug and hugged me and said that she knows its her thats hurting me and thats hurting her a ton too. Last night I was crying and she came and watched me for a while (I didn't know she was) then went back to bed and cried herself. I'm trying not to make her hurt more because it pains me so much to see her hurt and when she told me everything I was really upset and said mean things. :(

 

You need a quick 180. She knows she's hurting you and she wont stop it?

 

Wtf. If she doesnt want to be married all she gotta do is say so. She's a wayward spouse and if she doesnt recommit to the marriage there is nothing to talk about, no more hugs, or talking or anything remotely emotional.

 

you let her initiate. Detach and GAL. She has issues and if she doesnt want to get them correct she can leave.

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Tell her that you will leave her alone but you will not live like a catholic priest and you will get it somewhere else. Don't lie to her but it is only fair.

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You need a quick 180. She knows she's hurting you and she wont stop it?
Yes, that would be correct. She knows she's hurting me. Hurting me hurts her, but she just keeps going to talk to Gary while I fume around and then leave for a while. She's always pretended things were fine when they weren't (not just referring to this situation). Facing problems was never her strong suit (suite?) so drawing problems out of her has always been like pulling teeth.

 

Wtf. If she doesn't want to be married all she gotta do is say so. She's a wayward spouse and if she doesn't recommit to the marriage there is nothing to talk about, no more hugs, or talking or anything remotely emotional.
I think for one if it were financially viable then she would have left already, at the moment she doesn't really make enough to support herself but our household needs her income to keep things like the house, etc... She wants the kids to have a real home because she always lived in trailers growing up. She also had some fairly bad things happen to her.

 

you let her initiate. Detach and GAL. She has issues and if she doesnt want to get them correct she can leave.
I already had a life... thats all I really want back. Gotta stop leaving holes in wall on my way out the door though...

 

Tell her that you will leave her alone but you will not live like a catholic priest and you will get it somewhere else. Don't lie to her but it is only fair.
I'm not worried about sex, neither of us are getting any at the moment, not since last week and probably won't be for a while and I'm ok with that, a break from that won't kill me for now. Sex is important to a marriage for many reasons and its important to me but I'm not going to die going a while without it.

 

When she was young her mother left her first husband when she was a baby and married some other dude, who then abused her when she was 14. Her mom wouldn't help convict him though and even helped him burn child porn and other things he had so the police couldn't arrest him. She went to live with her Grandparents because her mom wouldn't leave the sleezebag. Her grandmother though was a bad drunk and would constantly drink and spew crap about how she was a tramp. After she moved in with me many years later and we got married and had the first kid, her mom finally divorced the junkard and came and moved to the town we lived in to be more near her grandchildren. Her half sister also came. Since then we'd really been very happy. Lots of family near, bought a nice 4 bedroom house, some cars, things were going great until a few months after the 2nd baby. We were both very happy until then. At some point there I think I caused two major issues. One is that since she was spending so much time at work taking care of people (she's a CNA at a nursing home) and then also taking care of the kids when I was at work I tried really hard not to be needy at all so she wouldn't be overwhelmed. As a result I think it made me more emotionally distant which contributed to growing apart of feelings from her side. Also I was very bad about sensual touch and having a tendency to want that to always lead to sex which made her feel like I only thought she was just a piece of ass.

 

These are things I know I can improve on and would do for her if only given the chance to. She says now that she just doesn't have feelings for me and is very confused but doesn't know why or what she wants. Mostly she mopes around in a bit of self loathing for being a worthless horrible person and that it would be easier if I just strangled her. I responded it would be easier if I could hate her but I just can't and I don't know why. Despite feeling cheated, betrayed, and cast aside, I just really love her and I don't know that I could ever give that up. When we talk about whats going on it almost always comes back to her not liking me touching her at all even though she doesn't know why. I don't either and I don't know what to do about that.

 

I know it seems like I'm just shrugging off advice and being argumentative on her side as bad and pussy like as that sounds but it really isn't my intent, I just want to as clearly as I can describe the situation with as much detail and hope that either someone can help or just getting it out of my system and onto paper will help me cope somehow with the loss of such a tremendously large part of myself.

 

As bad as I've made her sound she really is a good person in most regards.

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I've been going through through bouts of 'can't stand x y or z person touching me' since I was a teenager. I don't know why. I certainly don't have the complicated past that your wife has (no history of abuse on my side). The bouts can apply to my partners and it does wreck havock in my love life. What I am learning though is that they are not irreversible.

 

In my case, I usually get to that point because I've been avoiding an issue I have with that person for too long. I might not even be aware of the issue because I am pretty good at avoiding admitting to myself that a person's action can upset me. The fact that you describe your wife as 'self-less' makes me think she likely does the same. She probably doesn't think it is up to her to decide what she wants and needs from other people until it is too late. Is your wife afraid of confrontation? As a couple, do you both usually avoid conflict?

 

My hunch is that this is the case. And so, because of everything you both have - and both recognize that you have - I would highly recommand you go to MC - if only to help her recognize her own frustrations and anger.

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She probably doesn't think it is up to her to decide what she wants and needs from other people until it is too late. Is your wife afraid of confrontation? As a couple, do you both usually avoid conflict?

 

As a rule I don't think she confronts problems too frequently but it does depend on the case. As a couple if she is upset about something I tend to simply try to be a calming presence but she usually doesn't often bring up things about me that she is having issues with. In general I never really had any problem with her as a spouse so from my perspective I wasn't avoiding conflict, it was just that I didn't see them that much. 99% of the time I was very very happy.

 

At this point she has already decided that the two issues are irreversible and that she has no control over how she feels about me. Now whenever I cry she's been as well on her own or unfortunately calling Gary to make her feel better. Lately she's just trying to be a comfort, apologizing for hurting me, trying to comfort me from a distance in a way.

 

My hunch is that this is the case. And so, because of everything you both have - and both recognize that you have - I would highly recommand you go to MC - if only to help her recognize her own frustrations and anger.

 

She's agreed to see a therapist to make sure she isn't experiencing postpartum depression but I don't think she wants to do marriage counseling. I guess what hurts me the most isn't that she doesn't think it would help its that she shows no interest or motivation to work to fix the issue. She wants to take a week off and just drive wherever and live in her car and just be alone (though I assume alone with her phone and thus Gary).

 

Her general feeling is that she doesn't love me anymore and in conjunction with not liking me touching her (and its only me not others) that there just isn't any hope so she isn't even trying. Even if I could get her to do MC I don't think her heart would be in it.

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As a rule I don't think she confronts problems too frequently but it does depend on the case. As a couple if she is upset about something I tend to simply try to be a calming presence but she usually doesn't often bring up things about me that she is having issues with. In general I never really had any problem with her as a spouse so from my perspective I wasn't avoiding conflict, it was just that I didn't see them that much. 99% of the time I was very very happy.

 

At this point she has already decided that the two issues are irreversible and that she has no control over how she feels about me. Now whenever I cry she's been as well on her own or unfortunately calling Gary to make her feel better. Lately she's just trying to be a comfort, apologizing for hurting me, trying to comfort me from a distance in a way.

 

 

 

She's agreed to see a therapist to make sure she isn't experiencing postpartum depression but I don't think she wants to do marriage counseling. I guess what hurts me the most isn't that she doesn't think it would help its that she shows no interest or motivation to work to fix the issue. She wants to take a week off and just drive wherever and live in her car and just be alone (though I assume alone with her phone and thus Gary).

 

Her general feeling is that she doesn't love me anymore and in conjunction with not liking me touching her (and its only me not others) that there just isn't any hope so she isn't even trying. Even if I could get her to do MC I don't think her heart would be in it.

 

The therapist is a good idea and definitely better then no counselling at all.

 

When I start feeling 'off' I also suddenly feel the need for 'space'. It is a time when I often feel trapped and maybe she is feeling trapped - and taking it out on you? (That is what I do but I am learning that I am the only one who has control over my feelings.) Your hypothesis about post-partum? Very likely. The children are young. Did she work before starting the family? Is she working now? Does she feel that she has lost part of her identity for the benefit of the family? (Or maybe she doesn't even allow herself to feel that way because to her it would seem selfish).

 

 

I am very lucky in that my current partner is very understnading of my on-going process of trying to learn how to negotiate my own space, my own needs. In other words, he is very understanding of me learning how it is that I control my own feelings.

 

I am thinking Gary is the one thing in her life she feels affords her that part of her identity that hasn't been completely swallowed up by the family. He represents something that is helping her avoid confronting her own issues when it comes to asserting herself. I don't think this is all about you, but about the part you play in her life as the man she chose to raise a family with. Really I think this is about her, and she unfortunately will be the one who will need to want to make it work. Therapy would definitely help in that it would help her see that she does have control over her feelings. It sure helped me realize that I did (I had no idea!) and how I used the idea of not controlling feelings as a way to avoid conflicts. Also, people who avoid asserting themselves usually rationalize it away as avoiding being selfish. We often don't even realize we are doing it and that in some cases avoidance (selflessness) is the selfish act.

 

Hopefully therapy will help her take responsibility for herself and her emotions. I am thinking that in the long-haul, it can only be beneficial to your family, especially since you seem to be a very caring and very understanding man.

 

In your shoes I would tell her that crying because she is hurting you isn't enough. That you would like her to give you and your family the chance it deserves. That you are willing to go through the process of changing what needs to be changed with her.

 

If she refuses, then sadly, nothing we say here will help.

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Did she work before starting the family?

Yes, as a waitress, then a CNA.

 

She had a spell about a year ago, where she confided in me she had always wanted to be a stripper for some reason, just to see what it was like and that it was some kind of odd fantasy she had always held, so I let her try it and she worked that way for a couple months then got bored with it and quit, said she had fun but it wasn't something she'd like to do long term. I let her partially because I didn't want to put some kind of controlling restriction on her or make her feel trapped (as you pointed out she could be feeling) and I guess on some kind of level I found it erotic or exciting although in reality I spent most of the time worrying which I didn't expect.

Is she working now?

Yes, she works full time as a CNA.

Does she feel that she has lost part of her identity for the benefit of the family?

I really couldn't answer that, I'd have to get into that head of hers and getting in is quite the trick.

 

Really I think this is about her, and she unfortunately will be the one who will need to want to make it work.

 

She said the reason for her lack of motivation to try to make it work is that she is just too sure that it won't so its not worth the effort and hurt but I get the feeling that at least on some level she doesn't WANT to make it work. She's never said that but getting that vibe from her is very hurtful to me.

 

In your shoes I would tell her that crying because she is hurting you isn't enough. That you would like her to give you and your family the chance it deserves. That you are willing to go through the process of changing what needs to be changed with her.

 

I think I've made it clear that I am willing to do whatever it takes, she simply believes that people don't change and that all I'll be doing is trying for a while then getting comfortable again and letting things slide back to the way they were that made her unhappy to begin with. I feel we deserve the chance too, I know I'm not a perfect husband by and means, and that I can do things that aren't nice sometimes and I can be distant because I know that I don't personally deal with emotions well myself. I'd be very willing to go into therapy to work on any problems that I have. That said I don't think she believes I'd change, or doesn't want to believe that because its easier, I'm not sure. I know when we were having some financial troubles earlier and she was stressed that I said I would help her work on the bills and work on it with her but that never materialized and she has brought that up on several occasions as an example of empty promises from me. It wasn't that I didn't want to help I just somehow procrastinated too much until she felt like it was her responsibility again and then it didn't matter anymore.

 

I try to be understanding and caring even now when I'm hurting so much but I'm really going off the deep end I think. I'm going to get an appointment to talk to someone simply because I have had a few bad thoughts especially when driving thinking I'll just ram straight into that tree, etc, these were fleeting and not too serious, and I get home and I go look at my kids and I know I couldn't ever abandon them but i've never had thoughts like that so I am going to go get help for that. I just don't know how much longer I can keep trying to hold myself together when she isn't trying at all :(

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dude, it hurts but shes a negative impact on you and your kids - they don't want to be living with two depressed suicidal parents,

 

if she doesn't want to try to get help or solve the situation shes screwing herself over, you have to do something on your own for you and your children

 

I have never been in a serious relationship so maybe I should not comment but I think you really need to give her an option of trying to make things work with you - or telling her to get a divorce.

 

Living with someone that doesn't love you, while you love them I'm sure is tortures.

 

Sitting and waiting for more **** to hit the fan is not beneficial for anyone.

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I think I've made it clear that I am willing to do whatever it takes, she simply believes that people don't change and that all I'll be doing is trying for a while then getting comfortable again and letting things slide back to the way they were that made her unhappy to begin with. I feel we deserve the chance too, I know I'm not a perfect husband by and means, and that I can do things that aren't nice sometimes and I can be distant because I know that I don't personally deal with emotions well myself. I'd be very willing to go into therapy to work on any problems that I have. That said I don't think she believes I'd change, or doesn't want to believe that because its easier, I'm not sure. I know when we were having some financial troubles earlier and she was stressed that I said I would help her work on the bills and work on it with her but that never materialized and she has brought that up on several occasions as an example of empty promises from me. It wasn't that I didn't want to help I just somehow procrastinated too much until she felt like it was her responsibility again and then it didn't matter anymore.

 

I try to be understanding and caring even now when I'm hurting so much but I'm really going off the deep end I think. I'm going to get an appointment to talk to someone simply because I have had a few bad thoughts especially when driving thinking I'll just ram straight into that tree, etc, these were fleeting and not too serious, and I get home and I go look at my kids and I know I couldn't ever abandon them but i've never had thoughts like that so I am going to go get help for that. I just don't know how much longer I can keep trying to hold myself together when she isn't trying at all :(

 

First of all, I for one believe people do change, but that is besides the point because it sounds like the one thing that really needs to change is not you per say or her all by herself but the dynamic between the two of you. (So that, for example, you work out a compromise for times when you offer to do something and then don't get around to doing it. You know, a simple post-it reminder system often does the trick - or weekly family meetings or what not). So again it is frustrating that she thinks there is nothing to be done.

 

Again, I would insist on MC. At lunch time I was talking to a friend of mine who's mom has terrible exhaustion after her second child and, when both children were under the age of 5, she decided to get a divorce. My friend was telling me that her mom now contends it was the worst decision she ever made and possibly the only decision she regrets of her whole life. A good father for your children is a rare commodity.

 

But hang in there. You love your children so much - how could anything ever replace that for them? Plus you will get through this, no matter how the cards fall.

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Again, I would insist on MC. At lunch time I was talking to a friend of mine who's mom has terrible exhaustion after her second child and, when both children were under the age of 5, she decided to get a divorce. My friend was telling me that her mom now contends it was the worst decision she ever made and possibly the only decision she regrets of her whole life. A good father for your children is a rare commodity.

 

Well pretty much everyone is telling her she's making a mistake, and I don't mean that in an egotistical way. Her mom is actually angry with her for wanting to leave me I think because her mom tended to choose husbands very poorly. Husband 1.) Physically Abusive to her. Husband 2.) Sexually abusive to Ashley. So she thinks that because while I'm very much not Mr. Super Right, I'm at least none of the above and Ashley should leave that. Her sister says similar, but she thinks Ashley just wants to do crazy teenage stuff and be free for a time. Other the same, she hasn't even told her grandparents because they won't quit telling her how proud they are of her for finding me and having such a wonderful family. This of course is no help whatsoever as it puts her on the defensive and leaves her furiously telling me "Why does everyone think they know whats best for me?". I don't really know what to say there. For someone who enjoys talking as much as I do I'm really at a loss right now.

 

I know I'm not mister perfect and that I've got many things I could work on in our marriage to make myself a better husband but I'm just scared I'll never get the chance.

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It seems like she is investing her feelings in someone else. Maybe she is closer to the friend than you expected. If she states that she likes everyone else to touch her except you, then you two need some time apart

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I read through this and your a soldier. Im not married im only 17. I cant give you any advice. I admire the fact that you are being calm and not all out hating your wife.

 

This gary guy is ****ing up your relationship with your wife. Get a ticket to AZ and kick his ass. Thats my approach.

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