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My fiance's phone issues


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dreamyeyes42

I am going to be completely honest here because I know that blinding myself from the truth will only result in wasting people's valuable time and not end up helping me at all. Thank you in advance for reading and for any advice given!

My fiance and I have been together 7 years and we have a great relationship. He is kind, loving and truly loves me and we are both excited and heavily planning our wedding in Nov. 2008. I love him dearly and we are a normal, happy couple.

Of course we aren't perfect and we all have flaws that not many like. My fiance has one that has irked me since we've been dating and I can't seem to fix it.

In a nutshell, sometimes when things come up (a business meeting, minor family situation or simply that he's staying out longer than anticipated with his friends, etc), he doesn't bother to call me to tell me that he'll be late or he probably won't be able to see me when we already have plans to. (he has NOT ditched me when we've made plans to go somewhere special...we always spend Fri, Sat and Sun evenings together just being together at his house, going out to dinner or ordering in, etc. Its on these quiet evenings that this happens.)

In all honesty, he HAS called me (very few times) to tell me he'll be late or he probably won't be able to see me but more often than not, he just doesn't call. And when I try calling him, he doesn't pick up. The last time he did this was last week, when he got an unexpected invitation to an important meeting to make business acquaintances for a business he's developing. We always meet up to jog every afternoon and well, needless to say I was waiting for him to show up to jog...he never did, he didn't call and when I tried to call, he had turned off his phone. (I was worried so I called his house and his aunt told me where he'd headed. Now here's the thing, he usually tells his family where he's off to but I guess it's because he lives with them, but he does pull the same thing to them, although not as often as with me).

 

Trust me, I have thought about the issue of infidelity but we need to put that aside because in all honesty, he wouldn't do that (and I am speaking honestly, knowing him for 7 years and one of his greatest virtues IS faithfulness, so infidelity is out of the question. Plus he's told me many times how he doesn't want to loose me, he doesn't believe in hooking up with random people, the risk of vinereal diseases nowadays, etc.).

 

He is wonderful with everything else...but why does he do this to me? It bothers me and I HAVE talked to him about it: calmly discussing it, yelled at him about it, given him the silent treatment about it....but NOTHING works. How can I get my wretched fiance to CALL me when something comes up that way he doesn't leave me freaking HANGING, waiting for him?? These nights I'm left with no choice but to have a stay-in party with myself and resort to the comfort of Netflix instant movie watching, when I could've made plans with friends to go out.

 

Please, any advice? Is this some cruel game he likes to play with me from time to time? And if so, WHY???

 

Any men here with similar or stranger behavoir who could enlighten me?

 

THANKS!!

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mental_traveller

IMO the only way to get him to change is to dump him. In most cases, people don't change unless they are faced with drastic consequences - as you have found out with your failed efforts so far. If you break up then he may come to his sense and change in an attempt to get you back. But chances are, once you go back, he will revert to his old ways again.

 

You basically have to decide do you prefer to be with him, including this flaw, or would you rather be alone or with someone else.

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How does he handle other conflicts in your relationship? Do you talk to him, and then he continues to do whatever he wants?

 

If so, then he's showing signs of being passive-aggressive. NOT a good personality type to get married to. He won't change and he'll be like that forever and ever, which will make you angrier and angrier.

 

All you can do is turn it around on him. Next time he pulls a disappearing act, call your girlfriends and go out with them - don't sit at home watching Netflix. Have a great time and make sure you tell him all about it. Alternately, since he's done this to you many, many times, make other plans without telling him and then don't show up when he's expecting you. When he gets upset, tell him that he's stood you up (that's what it is, you know - when someone has a date with you and then doesn't show up and doesn't call, he's standing you up) so many times, that you couldn't trust him to actually show up so you made other plans. He'll see how it feels when he waits around for you or worries that something bad may have happened to you.

 

He's taking you for granted, and if he sees that you keep staying with him even though he treats you like your time is less valuable than his, he'll keep doing it.

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dreamyeyes42

THank you so much for the advice, I truly appreciate it.

This is basically the only conflict in our relationship we haven't solved yet. Other conflicts have been talked about and reasoned out but not this.

Yes I feel he is taking me for granted and I am not worth this at all. I think I do everything perfect in this relationship...why on earth does he do this to me? My mom told me he does this to occasionally test me to see how much I ca tolerate.

She also advised me to stand him up one night but I just don't have the courage to do so. I just CANT. It's just not something I can do; I just can't stand someone up...not him or anyone. And if I do, I know I won't have a good time, because I'll feel so bad for doing it and then dread the aftermath of facing him and telling him "well, you've stood me up before..."

I just HATE playing these games. We should be SO over them. It's been 7 freakin' years already!!!

Yesterday he DID tell me he was going to be with some friends but he didn't tell me how late they were going to be and never bothered to call me. It's like he's been avoiding calling me (it's almost 5pm next day and he still hasn't called or answered my phone calls).

WHY?? Why do men need to constantly "test" their partners like this??? It's cruel and unfair and I seriously am too scared to take appropriate actions....

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" Why do men need to constantly "test" their partners like this??? It's cruel and unfair and I seriously am too scared to take appropriate actions.... "

 

Men don't constantly "test" their parners, your man constantly test you. He is being insensitive, unfair and cruel to say the least. IMO I would tell him, this really bothers me and if you can not change this, the wedding is off period, marriage is hard work and if something like this is happening before you are married it is a huge huge problem. Work this out, or don't get married (not saying you have to dump him, just do not marry) I know you don't want to hear that you love him and he has great qualities, but this is not a little issue.

 

I'm sure he feels like he shouldn't have to check in, but this is way past that

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I just CANT. It's just not something I can do; I just can't stand someone up...not him or anyone. And if I do, I know I won't have a good time, because I'll feel so bad for doing it and then dread the aftermath of facing him and telling him "well, you've stood me up before..."

I just HATE playing these games. We should be SO over them. It's been 7 freakin' years already!!!

You can't but he CAN and DOES, frequently. Yes, you hate playing games, but HE plays you all the time. Yes, it's been 7 years and you should be way beyond this, but HE wants this control over you.

 

As long as you allow it, he'll keep doing it. Like I said, it's passive aggressive. Perhaps he has some internal issues about feeling 'controlled' by a woman (or anyone), so instead of dealing with those directly, he does what he wants regardless of how it affects you.

 

How's his relationship with his mother? Did she make him check in with her? Is she stronger than her husband?

 

My ex did this exact same thing to me. He would go out with his friends, which was fine with me, but he'd never tell me when he expected to get home, which left me hanging on dinner or other plans. We lived together...he wouldn't leave notes, he wouldn't call. It really, really upset me and I talked to him about it all the time. I told him that I didn't have a problem with him going out and doing whatever he wanted for as long as he wanted, but it made it very hard for me to make any plans when I had no idea when he'd be around or not.

 

And then I remembered that he used to do that to his mother ALL the time. When we first started dating, he lived at home for a year. He'd come visit me and stay the night, but he'd never tell his mother that he'd be out all night. That poor woman was always worried that he was dead on the road in a car accident, and eventually would call my place in the middle of the night to see if he was staying there so she could stop worrying and get some sleep. I told him he was being really inconsiderate and should at least leave a little note telling her he'd be out all night, since she was kind enough to give him a free place to live while he sorted out his school/work issues. And he never would leave a note or call her.

 

Why? Passive aggressive. His mom was the take-charge-at-home kind while his dad was a minister and busy ministering to the flock all the time. He saw his dad as being weak because of it, and my ex didn't want to turn out like him, he didn't want to be 'controlled' by a strong woman. BUT, he was too weak himself to ever confront this issue directly, so he would just do things like that to feel like he had the upper hand. Not that he ever admitted anything like that, not that he ever saw his behavior that way...it was wierd...when I pointed it out, he always got this strange detached look on his face and tone in his voice, like he'd checked out of the conversation and it had nothing to do with him. He'd never face up to it.

 

Sorry to be so long-winded, but there's a reason behind your boyfriend's behavior, and I'm telling you, it's not just going to go away.

 

What I did was to just start doing my own thing without waiting to see if he'd be around. I stopped expecting notes and calls, and just made my own plans regardless of him. And that worked great. I never had to worry anymore once I accepted this is just how he was, and once I stopped letting his behavior affect me because I knew he'd never, ever be any different.

 

But you know what happens then, right? Once I started doing my own thing, I started to grow more and more uncaring whether he was around or not. And eventually, I left him.

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dreamyeyes42

Again, thank you SO much for the advice!

I am defintely going to tell him flat out that if he doesn't change his behavior, he is jeopardizing our marriage plans...because this is something I cannot and WILL not tolerate anymore.

His relationship with his mother is actually really good. He does phone in on his family when he's going to be out late or so, but I think that's because he still lives with them (he only has female influence now...his mom divorced when he was 1 and the only male influence he had was his grandpa, who died 2 years ago and now it's his mom, aunt, grandma, sister and niece...all living in the same house). Sometimes though, his mom does have a hard time reaching him and yes...she is the kind of woman who has always said "tell me when you'll be home, where you're going" and if we're taking too long she'd call. It's gotten better over the years as he's grown older so now they don't hound him over about where he is and when he'll come back...it was the same situation with me and my parents, but now they never call me to check in or anything (yes we both still live at home)

He does a better job at telling his mom or aunt where he's going if it's in an unusual day or time, but sometimes doesn't tell ME. (mind you there HAVE been times that he HAS called me to change plans or tell me he'll be late, etc....unfortunately he doesn't do it so often).

I think my biggest problem is I want to avoid heavy confrontation because I fear loosing him. The funny thing is, I do NOT have self esteem issues and I know I'm an amazing person and that I can quickly get another boyfriend in a second... but I just can't vision my life without him. We've been through 2 bad arguments and they've lasted between 1 week and 2 weeks, and I really have never felt so horribly alone or so needy of him during those weeks that he didn't want to have anything to do with me (and for stupid things too). He's the only serious boyfriend/fiance I've ever had and I just CANT envision life without him. Without him I feel unprotected and vulnerable and alone. I do have a very loving and caring family and a few good friends but he is the ONLY person that just gives me that complete feeling of security and affection...

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The problem here is that you lean on him and rely on him and he does not do the same in return.

 

You need to either accept what he does or move on. I dont think he will change no matter how you tell him he has to!

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I am defintely going to tell him flat out that if he doesn't change his behavior, he is jeopardizing our marriage plans...because this is something I cannot and WILL not tolerate anymore.
Sure, except don't expect it to work. He'll 'forget' (read: detach) and won't do what you want him to.

 

No, you have to tell him what YOU are going to do when he does it again. First thing, no more of these 'standing dates' where you haven't made plans ahead of time to see each other. He has to commit to seeing you at a certain time, rather than just expecting you'll be waiting when he finally shows up.

 

And then tell him, "If you stand me up for a date, I'm going to go out without you if you don't call and don't answer your phone when I call. So don't bother coming over late because I won't be there." Deprive him of seeing you when he does that, plus, he'll have to call you to find out where you are since you won't be waiting around for him at home.

 

And then tell him, "If you stand me up for a date more than once without calling, I'm will start making plans without you." And then do just that - make plans the next weekend with your friends, and when he wants to see you, apologize and tell him you've already made plans with your friends because you couldn't count on him to be available. He has to get used to making plans with you and sticking to them if he wants to see you.

 

And then tell him, "If you stand me up three times without calling, then I have to reconsider whether you really respect my time and our relationship. I can't marry someone who is unreliable and inconsiderate of our time together. I'll need to take some time to give that some thought, time away from you."

 

The key is to stick to what you say you're going to do. You have to follow through.

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I think the OP needs to really think about if she is willing to put up with his behaviour. I dont think it will change whatever she says.

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dreamyeyes42

NoraJane:

Your advice was amazing...thank you! I'll try really hard to implement it but I have come to the conclusion that not everyone is perfect and if he in the end does not change his behavior, I am just going to have to accept it...but I WILL nonetheless make plans and go out whenever something should present itself.

I just figured that no one is perfect and in his case, his best qualities really overshadow his few imprefections (this one being the most annoying). I just have to realize what imperfections I am willing to put up with, although I will talk to him about this matter and hopefully he'll mature and change...but if not, it will still be something imperfect in our relationship because not every relationship is 100% perfect.

Thank you SOOO much again for your time and advice...it is truly appreciated!

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