Pursue school or pursue relationship?

[echeveria]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I'm turning 20 pretty soon and he's turning 21. We don't live together yet.

 

I've been bouncing back and forth between different fields of study but think I have reached a conclusion. Only problem is, the course I want to take is a 1 1/2 hour drive away. It starts January 2008, and I would have to apply soon. He just got a great job in town and is not willing to relocate.

 

At first I was thinking of going there during the week and coming back on weekends, but that was not okay with him in the least bit. He said it would terminate the relationship.

 

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to work retail/fast food for the rest of my life.

 

I'm considering just doing the 1 1/2 hour commute daily. Does that seem like too long of a commute for 10 months with a 2 month break? It's about 28 hours of class a week, 9am-4pm, Mon-Fri.

 

Any opinions? Advice? I would really like to reach a compromise, if at all possible.

[nittygritty]

Terminate the relationship and choose school. The guy is a jerk!

I would dump him now. He is selfish and does not care about what you want in life only about how it may effect him. He would not be a good person to share your life with. It also sounds like he may be controlling as well.

[Bree]

I agree, put your foot down>

[quankanne]

you will regret passing up an opportunity to further your education, especially should things pan out with this guy. If he were truly supportive, he'd brave out the separation caused by distance, which really isn't that great in the larger scheme of things.

[Aloros]

Ugh! When I was struggling to finish my novel, my bf offered that I didn't have to see him for a couple weeks if I felt I needed to hole up and get it done. I didn't take him up on the offer, but the point is that he offered.

 

Your bf should support you in your dreams, not try to dissuade you! He's putting his own selfish desires (having you around) over your future. NOT cool.

[Walk]

I just finished my bachelors degree this past april and I can't express how happy I am that I did. I had a job lined up the week before I graduated, and I make in a year what used to take me 2 and a half years to earn. And it's not just the money that makes it worthwhile... the little things about college make it an experience that I would highly recommend to anyone. Plus the sense of pride, and the accomplishment of attaining a goal that will make a real impact on the rest of your life... Its well worth whatever you have to do to make it happen.

 

Anyway.. after about a year of dating my bf I mentioned I wanted to quit my job and get my degree. He offered to pay all the bills until I graduated, and then busted his ass for years to make sure I didn't have to work while going to school. After I graduated, I got a job that's an hour and a half away from where we live, and he offered to move so I wouldn't have to drive so far. He's got a job here, he has friends here, he has family here..

 

My point is.. someone who loves you would want you to reach your full potential. Your desire to get a degree could only benefit BOTH of you. It would take a lot of hard work on your part, but your bf doesn't have to put out much effort in order to benefit from this. Yet he's threatening to dump you if you do this. What is he exactly "losing" from you getting a degree?

 

And answer honestly... If the situation were reversed, would you threaten your bf with breaking up if he pursued a dream that could make both of your lives better? I don't think you would. So why would you accept this from him? Don't you deserve the same respect and cosideration that you give to him?

 

Your bf is selfish, and he's an ass. I'll bet every dollar I have right now, that if you told your bf that you would rather break up then give up your goal that he'd try to weasel his way out of the ultimatum he gave. I think he's using the threat of breaking up as a scare tactic to keep you dependent on him. If you don't succeed in the world, then you'll have to stay with him. That's pathetic. Don't let him threaten, or guilt you, into giving up something that could benefit you greatly for the rest of your life.

[LN99]

If this guy really loved you, he would be willing to try to make things work whether it be long distance or not.

 

Trust me, do the school thing. This guy is not worth giving up your dreams for. You have the rest of your life to be committed to someone. Do this for yourself and choose someone who supports you fulfulling your dreams!

[Trialbyfire]

Education first. Don't let a selfish person negate your opportunities for the future. You never know if he might be a wee bit envious of your pending degree. Call him on it. If he refuses to acknowledge, take his offer and walk away. You'll have plenty of opportunities to meet someone more considerate, while you're at school. Maybe he knows this too.

[ruby_gloom]

ah, i was in this same situation a few years back.

 

because of my grades, but mainly my SATs and ACT scores, i got accepted into UCLA and UCB when i applied the semester or so before finishing high school.

 

going to UCLA would have meant about a 1-1 1/2 hr commute, while UCB would have meant that i would have had to move up to northern california (i lived and still live in southern california). by that time, things with my now exbf, whom i had known for several years prior and had dated for about 2 years, were really, really good, and the only reason why i did not want to go was because i did not want to leave him.

 

i explained things to him and he told me that he had to be honest: he would be sad if i left and wish i wouldn't, but that if i did, he'd understand and was sure we could work something out. he even said that if all else failed, he could move with me as soon as he saved up some money.

 

because his reaction was much more beautiful than what i expected, and because i knew that--in my heart--he was more important to me than school, i decided not to go and attend JC instead.

 

we broke up about a year or so later, and i am still in JC when i should have been done last spring.

 

however, despite the happenings, i don't regret the decision i made. school is well and good, but i knew that if i really wanted to learn, i could have done so at any institution. further, i realized that the first year or two of college/university studies are pretty much general classes--the ones everyone has to take. i figured that i would take these first and focus on the core classes (the ones relating to my major) later on, and that hopefully by then a better arrangement could have been made.

 

we never did make it that far, but the memories i have of him are wonderful and despite my b.tching, i would want to trade them; not even the bad ones because even they have value.

 

i understand that education is very important; it surely was for me. yet i knew that not going would not automatically mean i'd work flipping burgers for the rest of my life. and i also knew that going would automatically mean i'd have to leave that which was ever so dear to me.

 

he was very supportive, though, and i'll admit that that made the decision a lot easier. had he been unsupportive, i might have still stayed, but not for him.

 

i would suggest that you talk to your bf. you should ask him why he is acting this way; why he is being so cold in time when he should be the most supportive. ask him why, after 4 years, he'd so easily up on your relationship instead of trying to make a few adjustments here and there in order for it to work.

 

honestly, an hour and a half is not very far, but i wouldn't recommend you do the commute thing. i drive to and from work for about 2 hours each day and, take it from me, after a month or so, it takes a really nasty toll on you. plus, there is a lot of sitting involved in school, so sitting for another hour and a half, not including the weight traffic bears, will take a negative toll on your health after a while. i really don't recommend it.

 

the best thing, i think, if you decide to go, would be for you to stay there during the week and alternate the travel with your bf; you can come one weekend and he can go the next, and so on. that's what seems the fairest to me.

 

but first and foremost, i think you need to talk with him. you need to ask him why he's being so cut and dry about the subject. it may be that he is just a big jerk, in which case you should go. or it may be that he is just reacting badly at the sudden change that's set before the two of you and doesn't know how to communicate his sadness over your leaving. if that's the case, then i think you guys should be able to reach an agreement that lets you go to school without breaking up with him.

 

his attitude is really not helpful, so i think you should look into the cause of that first and mold your decision from those reasons and what happens next.

[Star Gazer]

School first, period. The best one possible.

 

I had an eerily similar situation to Ruby's, only I was up here in NorCal, and UCB would have been closer than UCLA. I too chose to go to a JC over either of those schools, and then a local much-lower ranked state school. Only difference is I've regretted that decision every single day of my life. I obviously turned out okay - undergrad in 4 years, lawschool in another 3, have been practicing for 4 now. But when I think of where I could be personally and professionally had I done what I had always wanted and gone to one of those two schools...ugh, I cringe.

[axisdenied]

Sorry to turn this thread into a broken record, but do go to school. I gave up on dating anyone completely during my college career, even abandoned a live-in relationship when I was around your age just so that I could go back. Now that I've earned my degree I couldn't be happier with my decision.

 

On the relationship front, it is never a good idea to give another person an ultimatum EVER. You are the center of your own life with or without a partner. Perhaps your beau needs to learn that the hard way. Best of luck!