Scared of confrontations....

[flowerfairy142]

My fiance and I have been together for 7 years. During all this time, we rarely fight. We've only had one major argument in which we spent 1 week without speaking to each other (this was two years ago). Other times it's not so much as verbal fighting, but if he has made me mad, I won't return his phone call...but it never lasts for more than one day. Now sometimes, I am so weak that I DO answer his phone call...but it is in an attempt to come to talk things out with him. Now I KNOW guys aren't fond about speaking about deep, emotional things...my guy included, so sometimes it doesn't go as I hope. But I make sure to get some words across...he just doesn't provide feedback.

 

I think my problem is that I am just SO non-confrontational. I hate being in a fight with someone, most especially him. I mean sometimes I have had to put my foot down and we will end the day on a sour term and then THATS when my imagination and emotions get the better of me. I start thinking of what life would be like without him, etc and it just gets the better of me. I hate feeling like that...so I try to avoid confronting him about things that make me feel bad and trying to get to a resolution.

 

I use to be super weak...I know as I'm getting older (I am 24 now) it has improved but I still feel that it has taken a toll on our relationship somewhat. He also has the bad habbit of, when he occasionally goes out with some friends, to NOT call me about it and I am left calling him to figure out whether in fact we are going out that night or not. He doesn't do it that often...quiet rare in fact. My speculation for this is that he also wants to avoid confrontation by having to tell me that he chose to go out with his friends over me that night. I mean, I don't give him hell if he wants to go out with some friends at all...by all means, he could use some quality guy time. What really IRKS me is how he doesn't bother to call me to tell me about those plans...which leaves me without any plans of my own for the evening. It's like some sick way of controlling me or something...

 

Besides this, our relationship is fine. I know he adores me...he shows it all the time. We always talk about getting married, having kids, etc and we DO get along in regards to just hanging out and being together. His other problem is, as I mentioned in another post, that he seems to have great insecurities. I'd really love to help him in that department as well. And what hurts me most is that when I know he also likes to be because I offer him something that his family doesn't seem to...trust. His family (comprised of women) don't seem to trust him and still treat him like a child sometimes. I, on the other hand, have told his family (in front of him) that I trust him with my LIFE because he is a grown, responsible man (he is 25). I do and say things to reassure him of his worth as a man and how much I love and trust him...more indirectly than directly.

 

So then how come he still intentionally hurt me sometimes? I am going on a business trip in 2 days and he is very upset about it...he even went on to say "How do i know you're not going to be fooling around or something"!!! (mind you, I would NEVER cheat on him and I have NEVER given him any reason to believe so!). I just think he is doing and saying these things out of insecurities. But why?

I know this post kind of swerved into another direction but I just really want to understand what is going on at least a little bit and stop being so confused. I really am and always have been the BEST girlfriend to him (modesty apart) and he knows how much I love him.

What can i do? Please, any advice would suffice. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[norajane]

I think my problem is that I am just SO non-confrontational. I hate being in a fight with someone, most especially him. I mean sometimes I have had to put my foot down and we will end the day on a sour term and then THATS when my imagination and emotions get the better of me. I start thinking of what life would be like without him, etc and it just gets the better of me. I hate feeling like that...so I try to avoid confronting him about things that make me feel bad and trying to get to a resolution.

 

You have to get beyond the idea that every or any 'confrontation' is possibly going to lead to the end of the relationship. Couples in long term relationships are absolutely not going to agree on everything, they are going to have issues to work through, and they are going to sometimes be angry or upset with each other. You cannot escape any of that because everyone is human, everyone messes up sometimes, there are often misunderstandings, etc.

 

What is important is how you deal with those conflicts and how you attempt to resolve them. For example, you don't have to label them confrontations. You can label them issues to discuss and resolve. A discussion doesn't have to be an argument - tabling the emotion, not raising your voice, and calmly expressing your thoughts can often defuse a conversation that could get tense. Making sure not to call each other names is very important. Speaking in terms of "I feel x" rather than "you make me feel x" can help so he doesn't get defensive and shut out any discussion. Asking questions - how do you feel, what do you think, what are your thoughts - can also help because you are showing that their opinion is important to you. There are a lot of other tricks to 'fighting fair'.

 

You should be able to bring up issues and discuss them. You should be able to have your concerns heard, acknowledged and addressed. You should not tiptoe on eggshells for fear of losing someone. You should not suppress your concerns for fear of losing someone. If your partner is using walking out as a threat or a weapon, HE needs to learn about 'fighting fair', because that's manipulative emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it.

[flowerfairy142]

Excellent advice. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to you for giving it. THANK YOU.