4 times a month

[sparkle & fade]

is not normal in my opinion, even by the question that is always asked "what is normal"....

 

If you get to thinking about it, on average, most months are 31 days long. If one only has sex 4 times a month, that leaves 27 other days! That means only 48 times a year, give or take some days depending on the length of the month.....48 times! Isnt that alarming??!

 

Right now, It has been 12 days since I have had sex, or any kind of anything that closely resembles anything sexual with my BF of almost 3 years. I find that worrisome. I dont have my period. He doesnt have sexual dysfunctions. Not drinking alcohol. No stress, no illness.

 

 

I actually caught him fighting with me the other day just to not have sex! Meaning that he got into a fight with me to distance us before something sexual could happen..and he does this frequently, Like right before bed, or any other down time. Like he deliberately fights with me right before we have an opportunity to be close.

 

Also, he has been avoiding anything that could be remotely construed as sensual with me, as in me changing clothes in front of him, taking a shower in front of him, rubbing cream or oil on myself after a shower....wont even bat an eye. Doesnt even faze him.

 

Yet he fights for us to stay together.

 

Talking to him will bring about the obligatory sex, which I despise. And he hates talking. About anything.

 

What gives? Do people really fall into ruts like this, or does this spell something far more sinister?

[Merle]

How about some candle light, perfume, wine, dancing, sexy clothes. Do you like oral sex?. That should get things started.

[someone2]

Nope, I think the problem might be deeper than this.

Is your bf the kind that you can have a calm mature conversation with? Can you just raise the point clamly without accusing him of anything (i.e. don't say "Why aren't YOU having sex with me more", but rather say "I was curious why we don't do it as often anymore").

 

There is a chance he just has low libido. Or maybe there is something completely different. Asking would be my first step.

[sparkle & fade]

Is your bf the kind that you can have a calm mature conversation with? Can you just raise the point clamly without accusing him of anything (i.e. don't say "Why aren't YOU having sex with me more", but rather say "I was curious why we don't do it as often anymore").

 

You see, I have asked him in that way too, in a curious way, and he always responds with "we always fight".....but the times we do fight has been him picking one with me on purpose before the time comes for us to be intimate. ..Or he uses an excuse right before we would become intimate...I will give you some examples;

 

Everything is done for the day, all the running around, working, eating, showering, etc....we now have hours to relax before going to bed. Just as soon as the last thing is finished, (usually right after I get out of the shower and am just about to sit or lay down next to him) he will say "my head hurts" or "my stomach isnt good" (or any other feasible ailment).

 

If he doesnt take the ailment route, he will take the picking a fight route. As soon as the last thing is done, and I am just about to settle beside him, he starts to blow up at me about something I said or did during the course of the day that ticked him off, or critizing me about how I cleaned this or that, etc....Once he gets started, it is difficult for him to stop it seems, because he keeps going on and on. Of course, naturally, I get mad, agitated and irritated because I know what he is doing, so I blow up at him too, and thus we are fighting.

 

Being one to analyze, I brought that up to him, in a roundabout way, that I know he is picking a fight, or having an ailment to avoid sex with me. He blew up on that. Example: The other night, as we were just about to fall asleep, I leaned over and kissed him goodnite. His response to that was "My head hurts"...and I (tired of feeling so rejected) said to him "I just leaned over to give you a kiss goodnite, damn. I didnt say I wanted anything" which caused him to erupt into an angry huff...

[LoveLace]

I haven't had sex since Halloween, for gosh sakes. I'd be estatic if my boyfriend (if I had one) hadn't had sex with me in 12 days.

[AHIWON]

Thats weird and not an issue I've ever had in a LTR. Even after 13 years in a bad relationship there was still sex 2 - 3 times a week almost up to the end.

[Aloros]

Just because other people are satisfied with less sex, doesn't mean you have to be. You're in a committed relationship. Isn't steady sex supposed to be one of the benefits? I find physical intimacy is one of the ways I connect with my partner, and if I'm getting it less than 1/day, you can be assured that I am getting antsy.

 

Can you bring it up in a very non-threatening way? Just say that you're worried about him, he seems to get headaches or stomach problems a lot. You noticed that it's interfering with your sex life and you would like him to get some help for his own health. When he says he has a headache you could just up and get him an aspirin.

 

If he blows up at you, don't respond in kind. I know it's hard, but just let him run his course. Just acknowledge what he's feeling "So what you're trying to say is that you're upset about me not washing the dishes in the sink"...and let him go from there.

 

You might have to get to the bottom of the issue in a really roundabout way. It's unfortunate that you can't be frank with him and receive a frank answer in return.

 

Good luck and hope this helps!

[Mythical]

You see, I have asked him in that way too, in a curious way, and he always responds with "we always fight".....but the times we do fight has been him picking one with me on purpose before the time comes for us to be intimate. ..Or he uses an excuse right before we would become intimate...I will give you some examples;

 

Everything is done for the day, all the running around, working, eating, showering, etc....we now have hours to relax before going to bed. Just as soon as the last thing is finished, (usually right after I get out of the shower and am just about to sit or lay down next to him) he will say "my head hurts" or "my stomach isnt good" (or any other feasible ailment).

 

If he doesnt take the ailment route, he will take the picking a fight route. As soon as the last thing is done, and I am just about to settle beside him, he starts to blow up at me about something I said or did during the course of the day that ticked him off, or critizing me about how I cleaned this or that, etc....Once he gets started, it is difficult for him to stop it seems, because he keeps going on and on. Of course, naturally, I get mad, agitated and irritated because I know what he is doing, so I blow up at him too, and thus we are fighting.

 

Being one to analyze, I brought that up to him, in a roundabout way, that I know he is picking a fight, or having an ailment to avoid sex with me. He blew up on that. Example: The other night, as we were just about to fall asleep, I leaned over and kissed him goodnite. His response to that was "My head hurts"...and I (tired of feeling so rejected) said to him "I just leaned over to give you a kiss goodnite, damn. I didnt say I wanted anything" which caused him to erupt into an angry huff...

 

Hi Sparkle & Fade,

 

There definetly has to be something much deeper going on....

This seems very strange and rude to me

Could there be something medically wrong? STD's problem's etc??

 

Could he be cheating?, When you guys are just doing regular things, watching tv, out with friends, going out to dinner etc...does he act normal is is he generally happy?

 

That is an extremely long time to go without sex with a partner and for there to be nothing wrong....the sore stomach excuse, headach is very dull and the fact that he picks fights make it seem he has something deeply against you.

 

How old are you guys?

[LoveLace]

Really it's odd for a guy not to wanna bang his GF every chance he gets; I don't want to judge someone I don't know, but from what I've seen in my lifetime, it's usually because he's got somethin' going on elsewhere, with someone else.

 

If that isn't the case, something is putting his libido to a halt, obviously. Whatever it is, it's making you feel undesirable in his eyes, or just deprived of your needs. Either way, the mystery problem is effecting you, so you should attempt to really put your foot down and get him to spill it, what the heck is really going on with you? I'd be looking for cheating clues, too...just in case....

[Topper]

There could be something else that nobody has thought of. The Guy could be gay. He may be in denial about being gay. Sex with a woman would be repulsive to him. Pick fights would be one way avoiding an unpleasant chore.

[someone2]

There could be something else that nobody has thought of. The Guy could be gay. He may be in denial about being gay. Sex with a woman would be repulsive to him. Pick fights would be one way avoiding an unpleasant chore.

 

This is a very smart idea Tooper. I love smart people . This could be true. Maybe you can check his computer for gay porn?

[BoxerBoy]

Hmm.

 

I have to say this. If my partner was interested in having sex four times a month, I would feel as though I'd died and gone to heaven. Let me share a little about my marriage with you. You may perhaps recognize some things, in which case it may be of some use to you. If you are uninterested in my story, scroll down to the end where I offer my two-bits worth of advice.

 

We've been together for 25 years. The difference in sex drive has been the one fly in the ointment in an otherwise rock-solid marriage. We have sex perhaps 8-10 times a year. Gaps of 3-6 months are not unusual (at least one of those a year). Even at the outset of our relationship, we were never exactly sexual powerhouses. It took three months for the relationship to be "consummated." Two or three times a week for the first year or so, maybe once a week for a year or two afterward, and then the current situation since then. Needless to say, I've struggled with that. I could probably have sex daily and never tire of it.

 

Other pertinent bits:

 

- The marriage is otherwise solid. We communicate on all other subjects very well and empathetically. She is, without a doubt, my best friend and I, hers. We have an active social life and many friends, both mutual and individual. We have two teenagers and are, I think, a great parenting team. We both have successful careers. We've aged physically fairly well. I am very fit (play hockey several times a week and coach speed skating). She is reasonably fit (exercycle three times a week). Basically, no red flags on any of those fronts.

 

- The one red flag? In 25 years together, she has never spontaneously described me as being attractive/handsome/sexy/whatever. When challenged about how she views me this way, she always denies it is an issue. Needless to say, I am inclined to conclude otherwise. Other women have expressed attraction for me, so I can only conclude that my position on the scale from Quasimodo to Brad Pitt is not too heavily skewed toward the former.

 

- No matter how I approach discussing the issue now, it invariably leads to snarling, defensiveness, anger and reproach. Both ways. This is probably because we handled the issue very poorly in the early days and have found it very difficult to move away from those early missteps. It is so easy to dig oneself into a hole on this issue.

 

- The difference in level of sexual desire cannot be isolated from the rest of the relationship. When the feelings of sexual rejection become overwhelming, which happens frequently, I'm not the same partner. I get distant. I become less tolerant. I'm not fun to be around. I'm a lot less supportive in her times of need. I'm not punishing her, I just feel that much less connected to her at those times.

 

I could offer a lot more detail, but I doubt it would give you any additional insight (though the venting might be helpful for me!). Allow me to offer the following few pearls of hard-won wisdom:

 

- Ignore the suggestion that your boyfriend must be gay/cheating/etc. There are lots of guys with lower libidos than their partners out there. He might be one of those things, but that is far from being the only explanation or even the most likely one.

 

- Find a way of talking to him about this without accusing, attacking or shaming him. This will be harder than it sounds. Nothing provokes defensiveness than the accusation of sexual inadequacy.

 

- Ask yourself if you are prepared to live this way for the rest of your life. Be brutally honest with yourself and him on that count (in that order). These things can sometimes be turned around, but very often they aren't. My case is more the norm, I think. If you can't see yourself ever being happy as the high desire person in high/low desire marriage, you have a tough call to make.

 

- Ask your partner to be equally honest. My great hurt stems from the fact that my partner was very evasive early on about her lack of desire for sex with me. Had I known what was in store for me 25 years ago, I might have chosen differently. Yes, I should have opened my eyes long ago. Wishful thinking was my downfall. Don't let it be yours.

[Guest]

I knew it would just be a matter of time before a couple of people would chime in with the old "maybe he is gay"or "its not normal for a man to want it every day". Ummm.... yes it is normal. I am an early thirties male that is more than content with sex once a week, sometimes once every two weeks.

 

Im not gay, I just dont have that high of a sex drive. I suppose there may be a few reasons, I exercise quite a bit and right after work, sometimes I am really tired after doing that. I have a stressful job as well. But I just dont have the need/or want to have sex on a daily basis.

 

Do a google search on women complaining about lack of sex. Its a lot more common than you think. Perhaps there is some stress he is going through, or he is unsure about you two, or he has lost some attraction. But it may be you just have two very different schedules/needs for sex. Not everyone can get to an agreement on it, but you have to try. Good luck.