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A while ago I posted on here looking for advice- I was having trouble dealing with my girlfriend's sexual history. Over a period of 6-7 months it messed me up pretty badly, I acted in ways I am very ashamed of, and she got hurt quite a bit. We broke up to take some time apart to work on things the beginning of this year.

 

Since then I really grew to get over a lot. It hasn't been very long but in the time we've spent apart I realized where my issue was coming from. She and I kept in touch, and on valentine's day she hinted she'd want to try again if I was ready. I told her we still needed some time to make sure it wasn't too soon.

 

A month later, recently, I told her I think I was ready if she was, and it'd be tough but I think it'd be worth trying. It's a temporarily long-distance relationship. We were together for a little over a year before breaking up. This time she was the one to say, "I don't think I can date you right now," "I don't trust you not to do this again," and "I don't think I've forgiven you yet." She maintains that she still loves me, that she likes the idea of us trying again but she can't let herself do that while she doesn't trust me.

 

I told her I was willing to earn back the trust since I was a pretty big dick. I told her that I'd give her whatever time our space was necessary as long as she was respectful of me and let me know her true intentions (in case she was afraid of telling me it was over, or like she wanted to keep me on the side while she looked for someone better).

 

Since then it's just been a constant hot/cold thing with her. I'm the one initiating most of the contact and almost all of the emotional discussion, her reasoning is, she was hurt and doesn't trust me so why should she put herself out there?

 

I'm just wondering if I'm setting myself up for further heartbreak here. I'm not looking for advice on whether or not distance relationships are practical, I'm looking at advice based on her reactions. She's looking for me to care and that I'm not as self-absorbed as I'd been recently, and she needs to be able to trust me again. Does that mean that I should be going out of my way to be caring and affectionate, should I be looking to do something very big to show her how committed I am? Or, does it seem like the only thing that'll help this is emotional space from me? Or does it seem like she's jerking me around and I'll never have a chance with this girl again?

 

She's seen me at my worst, and I'm ashamed of it...but she stuck with me through the majority of it, it was my decision for us to eventually break it off. At one point she said, "do you realize how much **** I would get from my friends if they saw me get back with you?" Which really told me a lot, since I'm now "that guy," which is the last thing I wanted. I'm not the crazy perpetually insecure guy that that implies, I just went through a rough time.

 

Thanks in advance.

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serial muse
A while ago I posted on here looking for advice- I was having trouble dealing with my girlfriend's sexual history. Over a period of 6-7 months it messed me up pretty badly, I acted in ways I am very ashamed of, and she got hurt quite a bit. We broke up to take some time apart to work on things the beginning of this year.

 

Since then I really grew to get over a lot. It hasn't been very long but in the time we've spent apart I realized where my issue was coming from. She and I kept in touch, and on valentine's day she hinted she'd want to try again if I was ready. I told her we still needed some time to make sure it wasn't too soon.

 

A month later, recently, I told her I think I was ready if she was, and it'd be tough but I think it'd be worth trying. It's a temporarily long-distance relationship. We were together for a little over a year before breaking up. This time she was the one to say, "I don't think I can date you right now," "I don't trust you not to do this again," and "I don't think I've forgiven you yet." She maintains that she still loves me, that she likes the idea of us trying again but she can't let herself do that while she doesn't trust me.

 

I told her I was willing to earn back the trust since I was a pretty big dick. I told her that I'd give her whatever time our space was necessary as long as she was respectful of me and let me know her true intentions (in case she was afraid of telling me it was over, or like she wanted to keep me on the side while she looked for someone better).

 

Since then it's just been a constant hot/cold thing with her. I'm the one initiating most of the contact and almost all of the emotional discussion, her reasoning is, she was hurt and doesn't trust me so why should she put herself out there?

 

I'm just wondering if I'm setting myself up for further heartbreak here. I'm not looking for advice on whether or not distance relationships are practical, I'm looking at advice based on her reactions. She's looking for me to care and that I'm not as self-absorbed as I'd been recently, and she needs to be able to trust me again. Does that mean that I should be going out of my way to be caring and affectionate, should I be looking to do something very big to show her how committed I am? Or, does it seem like the only thing that'll help this is emotional space from me? Or does it seem like she's jerking me around and I'll never have a chance with this girl again?

 

She's seen me at my worst, and I'm ashamed of it...but she stuck with me through the majority of it, it was my decision for us to eventually break it off. At one point she said, "do you realize how much **** I would get from my friends if they saw me get back with you?" Which really told me a lot, since I'm now "that guy," which is the last thing I wanted. I'm not the crazy perpetually insecure guy that that implies, I just went through a rough time.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

If you do want another chance with her, given your history together, the one thing you can do at this point is maintain a calm, caring, nonjudgmental attitude - which is basically what you promised her you'd have. Consistency is key, so doing it for a week isn't really enough. She wants to know you mean it, and that you can be someone other than "that guy" for longer than a few weeks.

 

If you really think you can, and really want to make a go of it with her, the only thing you can do is be the guy you want to be. Based on what you said about you, and her, I don't think she's looking for a big gesture, or is jerking you around. I think she wants to believe you, but she's understandably gunshy. So for that to happen (for her to be convinced that you're not just blowing smoke) you should simply come through on what you said you'd do. That's it.

 

I should add that it can be a lot of work to regain someone's trust, and already, I can tell, you feel resentful about the process. That's not surprising, because, like I said, it is a lot of work. But just remember that if you feel like this relationship isn't worth doing that extra work, then you aren't obligated to stay in it. Wanting to resume it was your choice. So if you decide to keep trying, then do keep in mind, when you start to feel resentful, that she put up with a lot from you in the past and did a lot of work herself - and even so, you chucked it the first time. So she has good reason not to trust you. If she's the one you want, you'll probably have to work hard at it. If not, then you are free to just move on. That's the choice you're facing.

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