caring guy Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Hi Since i seperated from my fiance in June, i've dated girls again. It had been a long time, but i've dated 4 girls since, 3 off internet dating & 1 that i just met in town! I am not just saying women do this, maybe men too, but never the less, it hurts & is emotionally painful. Each of these girls i took out, cinema, bars, restaurants, we all got on fine, except maybe 1 that had issues & was stressed as she was foreign & had visa probs. 3 of the girls i dated for 5 or 6 times & all signs were positive, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, sex with 1. Then, totally outa the blue, i hear absolutely nothing. No more msn chat, no sms messages, no more calls, just nothing. Now maybe it's me & i should be less of a 'caring guy', you know, the kind of guy that actualy cares, has emotions & feelings & feels that if it looks like a stone, feels like a stone, it most probably is a stone!! I know guys that scr*w anything that moves, guys in bars that have a different girl every week. I'm not like that. Ok, i'm attentive, i like to treat a girl well, just like in nature, a male animal flirts & impresses the female. So i take a girl out & as 1st impressions last, i make an effort. Sometimes it moves fast, sometimes i make it move fast as not to come across as slow or a 'friend' figure! Other times i deliberately move slow as not to show that i'm after one thing!! But in general, the girls i've dated have done this & it hurts. Is it just a modern unthoughtfulness or just me being too emotional & want to hope that a girl i date actually leads somewhere!! Is that bad!! Any thoughts appreciated cg Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I know guys that scr*w anything that moves, guys in bars that have a different girl every week. There are women like this too. Maybe they thought you wanted more and they didn't. No one knows for sure why they stopped contacting you, but them. So kind of hard to say for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 re: Caringguy: " Why do Women(in my case) & i guess men do this?? " Love you and leave you. Ah! -the drama and heartbreak of internet dating! (Smile) Caringguy, internet dating attracts injured people like greenflies to a cowpile. *Stay away*(!!!), if you're new to dating, or struggling to survive a break-up. Become one less injured person adding to the pain -yours and someone else's. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted January 24, 2007 Author Share Posted January 24, 2007 Hi Rio Yeh, i've been told that before, successes there may be, but in this last case we talked for about 30 hours before meeting & both hoped we clicked, we did! Ended up all over each other the same night, then nothing. We both initialy stated what we wanted as we were both similar age & relatively open to our individual needs. I'm in a situation that i don't go to bars to meet girls, bad places in my experience. I see what you mean about it all being like a load of desperate cases. Yeh, i do feel hurt, angry, as i couldn't do this stuff emotionally. I feel like i've been messed about, getting used to it realy! cg Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Do you mean you try to get in touch to arrange another date, and they don't get back to you at all? If so then it's very simple - they just aren't that interested in you. Move on and find someone else. If a woman is interested in you, then she will respond fairly promptly to all your calls, emails etc. I.e. within 3-4 days at most, maybe a week if she is very busy or a bit of a flake/procrastinator. Also, if a woman is interested in a guy, then within 5-6 dates it will be very obvious. What happened with the woman you had sex with, by the way? How did she "end" things? There must be some interest there, unless she was really drunk when you did it. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Ended up all over each other the same night, then nothing. Started up quickly and ended quickly. Thats probably why its not the best idea to be "all over each other" when first meeting. It doesn't matter you spent 30 hours getting to know each other before meeting up, once you meet up, you don't get all over each other unless its just a quick hook up. Just because you spent that amount of time getting to know each other, doesn't mean you know each other. I agree with mental traveller, they probably were not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Boond0ckSaint Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Caring guy.... Something kind of similar to this happened to me a couple years back. There was this girl who was interested in me. Why she was interested in me, I have no idea....but, she was a nice girl and I liked her....so, she had invited me over to her place to hang out and watch some movies. So, I was over there one night and this were going really well, and there was also quite a bit of lip locking going on. Anyway, she had invited me over again the next week, and same deal...things were going great and we pretty much couldn't keep our lips off of each other. Then she says she wants to ask me something but she was afraid that it would scare me away. So, I tell her that I don't really envision her saying anything that would "scare" me. Then, I'll never forget what she said, because I never thought any woman would say anything like this to me in a million years...she says "do you know how amazing it would be to wake up in your arms?" So, naturally, being shocked beyond recognition, the only reply I could come up with was "Uhhhh...no." Anyway....So, I stay there that night, being careful not to overstep my bounds and not making any sexual advances. So, the next week, same thing I was over there, I remember it was New Year's Eve, and same thing she invited me to stay over, so I did. Well, anyway...the next day it was like someone just flicked a switch on her....she was very distant and off in another world the whole morning. So, to make a long story short, I had called her a couple times and she basically said that she didn't think it was a good idea to continue "seeing" each other. So, I know how you feel. She told me it was because we have some mutual friends, but that seemed kinda weak to me. I just let it go and stopped driving myself crazy trying to figure out what the REAL reasons were. What I feel happened is she got to know me better and just wasn't interested. That's the most logical explanation there is in my case. I know how you feel. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted January 24, 2007 Author Share Posted January 24, 2007 Mental traveller. Then why the hell do they not just say that instead of saying she fancies me & wants to meet up again. We meet up again & she says she felt a bit dodgy from the night befores alcohol intoxication, but will see me in a fiew days.\ I guess that was bollo*ks. Why was she all over me & saying it wasn't the drink & she liked me. I'd her rather said it before co*k teasing me or whatever. Not that i'm in it for sex, not at all, i wanted a ltr with her which was on her profile bye the way.\ Jack Jack, i agree it's not good to be all over each other the same night even though we spoke a lot!, but i don't get the 'wanting to see you again' & the nexttime she wil be sat on my lap we'll be naked like she said. She said that all her words weren't alcohol induced. Mine weren't, i was sober. We both talked of wanting it to work & hoping we could be in a LTR together if when we met it clicked which it did. I guess As BoondOcksaint says, it maybe a woman thing! cg Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 Never the less, days have gone by & i'm feeling annoyed & upset still. It's been 7 months since i broke up with my partner of 3 years & wether it's me being rusty, girls having changed their ways, the ones i go for are maybe unsuitable i dunno. 1 thing i have noticed is that since i dated before i met my fiance, nearly 4 years ago, is that women seem more aggressive & into self preservation or something, lie the olden days when men were the bread winners & trett women as people who should be in the kitchen & the man goes out to work & now the roles are kind of slowly reversing. Ok it was fast & as i said, i'm easy going & try & lighten up a 1st date & make it relaxed as if we'd known each other ages, this has happened before & before you know it we're playing tongue tennis! Surely thats better than being tense & uptight & talking superficial chat although there is a fine line i guess between superficial chat, jokey/flirty chat & touchy feely chat which this ended up being. I assumed that as Jack Jack says 'in fast out fast', maybe not necessarily. Maybe the long snog, wnadering hands makes the next meet just as hot & eases tension as to when to instigate this! Sure, i'm still angry & upset as i fancied her a lot & she said the same about me. I had that heart sinking butterflies feeling, even talking online i felt it would all work out. It just went all so well & i'm in limbo as the tortrure of not knowing that i hate. 1 minute it was that she had divorce settlement issues she wanted to get outa the way & next it was that i' not her kind. I knew she was a bit drunk when we were passionate, thats why the next day i asked her if she meant what she said, as i've been hurt & messed around before, she said she knew what she was doing & wanted it to continue. Ok, talking 30 hours or so on msn don'tmean we know each other, but we talked a lot & deep stuff. But meeting & progressing after the intimacy was the beginning i hoped of that 'getting to know progress'. I guess there's nothing more i can do cg Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 re: CaringGuy: " I knew she was a bit drunk when we were passionate, thats why the next day i asked her if she meant what she said, as i've been hurt & messed around before, she said she knew what she was doing & wanted it to continue. Ok, talking 30 hours or so on msn don'tmean we know each other, but we talked a lot & deep stuff. But meeting & progressing after the intimacy was the beginning i hoped of that 'getting to know progress'." CG, you're simply putting too many of your eggs into *one* basket, here. You've deliberately placed unneccessary (and potentialy, very damaging) *pressure* on yourself by seeking a meaningful relationship too soon. That's an excellent recipe for failure, more heartbreak, and downright *emotional abuse* of yourself. (I believe -or hope that) when posters advise getting out and mingling with people, they are *not* necessarily suggesting that you attempt to form *new romantic* relationships. In a lot of caese -becoming sexually involved during the recovery period can also be very misleading and damaging (remember: you're not "yourself" immediately after a breakup). Understand the concept: getting out and mingling is all about clearing your head from the funk you're in from sitting at home -in an emotional hole- thinking about your past relationships and how you've been hurt. It's not about jumping into a relationship. Leaving the house after a nice shower, a new haircut, and a great new shirt is a great start on pursuing a relaxing, enjoyable night out -you might even find yourself whistling a tune to yourself as you get dressed, and in a much lighter mood. But the *main* idea behind it all is about *refreshing your spirit* -not getting laid, particularly, nor starting something you're not really emotionally ready for. Getting out of the house can build *confidence* -and should- but be aware that your confidence drops to below ground zero if you haven't allowed yourself to recover from the trauma of last relationship. You're pushing the cart, here -and uphill, too boot! Stop trying so hard to compensate your loss. Take it *slow* -keep your expectations *reasonable*- and, without the uneccessary pressure- you can actually enjoy your nights out on the town. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 Thanks Rio I emphasize, the feelings were mutual & actualy instigated by her. I knew from some past situations to be as you say. I didn't expect anything at all. She was the one climbing all over me & kissing me & i don't deny i didn't disuade the advances, as i fancied her. Maybe it was her that was, as she said, not got the divorce stuff sorted, then why did she do it! Alcohol maybe, but she said she was compus mentus! I was sober, i'd had 3 beers. Maybe she wanted to prove to herself she was fanciable after a marrriage ending! Rio, i'm over my past, it's gone, dead. I have dated people i haven't clicked with, but we did, we said so, we organised stuff & i don't get it! cg Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Sorry your having trouble with dating. These girls were not interested or there was something else that made them stop contacting you. That could be something that you did or something on their end. You should probably stay away from the online dating. I was wondering, do you think that every girl that you go out with is the one or close to it? Are you coming on too strong? If so, that will scare them off. I know someone who is living proof of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted January 27, 2007 Author Share Posted January 27, 2007 IpAncA I hear what you are saying & you may have a point to a certain degree. When i meet a girl, i don't go in there all needy & trying to get a relationship going immediately, sign, sealed & delivered. But, i do go into it if i aestheticaly fancy the girl, with the hope that something can come of it! My natural body language in this situation is attentive to what they are saying & i show interest, like we were in a bar sat on a couch & i had my legs crossed, my arm across the back of the sofa (not around her) & facing her, but never the less a distance. I used to be a little 'too strong' in my past as i used to find myself getting that 6th sense feeling of 'wow' & feeling i needed some kind of positive reassurance, but i learned from that! I do know & feel that there is a fine line between being too attentive & showing interest & giving off an impression that you are interested, but don't want to show attentiveness. I have been in situations on 1st dates where i've thought, " i like her, but i'm not going to show needyness or too much attention, be cool, chatty & relaxed" then i've been blown out because i've not shown that attention & that i like her, that some girls like to feel! Fine line cg Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted January 27, 2007 Share Posted January 27, 2007 re: CG, you're simply putting too many of your eggs into *one* basket, here. You've deliberately placed unneccessary (and potentialy, very damaging) *pressure* on yourself by seeking a meaningful relationship too soon. [highlight]That's an excellent recipe for failure, more heartbreak, and downright *emotional abuse* of yourself.[/highlight] (I believe -or hope that) when posters advise getting out and mingling with people, they are *not* necessarily suggesting that you attempt to form *new romantic* relationships. In a lot of caese -becoming sexually involved during the recovery period can also be very misleading and damaging (remember: you're not "yourself" immediately after a breakup). Understand the concept: getting out and mingling is all about clearing your head from the funk you're in from sitting at home -in an emotional hole- thinking about your past relationships and how you've been hurt. It's not about jumping into a relationship. Leaving the house after a nice shower, a new haircut, and a great new shirt is a great start on pursuing a relaxing, enjoyable night out -you might even find yourself whistling a tune to yourself as you get dressed, and in a much lighter mood. But the *main* idea behind it all is about *refreshing your spirit* -not getting laid, particularly, nor starting something you're not really emotionally ready for. Getting out of the house can build *confidence* -and should- but be aware that your confidence drops to below ground zero if you haven't allowed yourself to recover from the trauma of last relationship. You're pushing the cart, here -and uphill, too boot! Stop trying so hard to compensate your loss. Take it *slow* -keep your expectations *reasonable*- and, without the uneccessary pressure- you can actually enjoy your nights out on the town. -Rio What incredible advice for those on the mend. [highlight]Very good.[/highlight] Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted January 27, 2007 Author Share Posted January 27, 2007 Yes it is great advice for those on the mend of getting over previous relationships & what to do before getting into another. However, in my case, I Emphasize!! cg Link to post Share on other sites
Parmalat Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 During the latest "fling" or "dating" not sure what to call it, I'm assuming you did all the communication, like calling, txt'ing, e-mailing. I'm assuming you send out an invitation for a next date or something, and she didn't respond or told you that she's not interested? Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Yes, after all the instigation was on her behalf on the 1st date & as i've said in previous posts, she was into me & wanted to see me again! I guess in the clear light of day, she realised that she wasn't for me! I just wish she hadn't kissed me so passionately & held my hand etc, i said to her in a msn chat 'why did you do all that, come on to me, put my hopes up, say what you said & then this', so annoying & strange for me as i wouldn't do that. She just kept saying, 'find someone else'. cg Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Yes it is great advice for those on the mend of getting over previous relationships & what to do before getting into another. cg Hello CG, you made mention of liking RIO's advice, however, you have to TRUSTit in order to not set yourself up right now. Whether you beleive it or not you are likely coming accross to new people in your life as needy either for a relacement relationship or someone wanting to move fast. Honestly, holding hands and passionate kissing maybe something we all might like on a first date, but it usually doesn't move that quickly and for all you know the person you met on the "net" is having issues that far out weigh anything you are struggling with. Be careful out there -- go slow!!! Mingle...carefully. I just wish she hadn't kissed me so passionately & held my hand etc, i said to her in a msn chat 'why did you do all that, come on to me, put my hopes up, say what you said & then this', so annoying & strange for me as i wouldn't do that. She just kept saying, 'find someone else'. cg But you did do it in a round about way: you didn't try to ease away from her hand, did you? You didn't pull back when that passionate kiss was coming, did you? You wanted it, you got it, you were just not prepared for the consequences of how it might have been intended by her. Again, don't go there (at that level) for awhile. Take it easy. You've deliberately placed unneccessary (and potentialy, very damaging) *pressure* on yourself by seeking a meaningful relationship too soon. That's an excellent recipe for failure, more heartbreak, and downright *emotional abuse* of yourself. (I believe -or hope that) when posters advise getting out and mingling with people, they are *not* necessarily suggesting that you attempt to form *new romantic* relationships. In a lot of caese -becoming sexually involved during the recovery period can also be very misleading and damaging (remember: you're not "yourself" immediately after a breakup). Understand the concept: getting out and mingling is all about clearing your head from the funk you're in from sitting at home -in an emotional hole- thinking about your past relationships and how you've been hurt. It's not about jumping into a relationship. -Rio Rio did a great job of summarizing reality; it hits the heart of our vulnerabilities during the coping and healing phase. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Am4Real Your right, i didn't back off from any kind of advances & i wonder what the situation would have been now if i had. Maybe she wanted to feel as if she was fanciable & insecure. She did keep putting herself down by saying she was waffling about bullsh*t. Maybe her issues outweighed mine as you say! It did seem that way, come to think of it! Although i was & have thought that maybe if i hadn't gone along with it, she may have not wanted to see me again as thought i had no interest! I remember my ex fiance. We met on the 1st date & just talked, had coffee, & shopped. The second date, we had passionate sex in a field & at hers too. We laughed about it & talked about it for the 3 years together we had. She used to say 'yeh, you were pretty fast weren't you', as i instigated all that! So it maybe rarely works. I shall follow your advice, sometimes we get carried away if it's a mutual attraction, but holding back is the best advice in hindsight i know. Yours & Rios thread i'm gonna print off! cg Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I shall follow your advice, sometimes we get carried away if it's a mutual attraction, but holding back is the best advice in hindsight i know. Yours & Rios thread i'm gonna print off! cg Caring Guy, Wishing you all the best. Be strong. Let us know how things are progressing every now and then. Am4Real Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 I will if i ever get into the situation of meeting anyone, i hate hanging around bars, i have met people on the bus & in town generally, library etc, thats seems my only outlet for meeting someone! No, i'm a bit lonely, annoyed & hurt & untrusting. My job is solitary & all above is what i have at the moment! cg Link to post Share on other sites
coco_milkshake Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Hi CG Dont worry about all this at the moment and I cant blame you for being annoyed, hurt and untrusting. Just take care of you and stay happy. The one you are looking for will come to you when you least expect it! Coco Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted February 2, 2007 Author Share Posted February 2, 2007 Hi Coco Thanks, i know what you mean, i have a pretty solitary life at the moment & trying hard not to be a bitter person as i have a lot of affection & warmth, Like you say, when i least expect it, but i tend to be pro active lol. If i sit in my job, nobody is going to jump out of the wardrobe & say hi hehe. Chat soon cg Link to post Share on other sites
coco_milkshake Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Hi CG How are you today then? Sorry I missed you yesterday, I was downstairs having my dinner and watching some telly. Hope you are feeling better and that you are focusing on the positives Talk soon Coco Link to post Share on other sites
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