Older women, younger man, does it last?

[debilou]

I was married for 18 years. XH moved out on his 40th birthday. My WHOLE life changed.

 

I'm still not fully recovered. I still dream about X. Even though it turns out I'm better off without him. I'm picking up the pieces of my life and doing ok.

 

The point of the thread is: I met a wonderful YOUNG man who seems to adore me. He's great, non smoker, no partying, hard worker, Latin ! ! ! 18 years younger. He's never been married, no kids. I'm 99% sure I don't want more kids. He knows this.

 

I'm very happy and in love with him but am I fooling myself that this can work? My brohter married a woman 12 or so years older than himself about 20years ago and they're still going strong.

 

I have 2 boys, ages 11 and 16 and they think my man is great. They're dad was never the hands on involved dad. I AM NOT trying to replace him. My parents were divorced and my mom remarried when I was 11. I spent a lot of time with my dad.

 

Enough of history. Question: Do you think I'm on the road to disaster?

 

I truely believe no one will ever hurt me as bad as the XH. He tore my family apart. I didn't see it coming, never thought I'd be divorced. At this point I don't believe I'll ever remarry. I lost financially with the divorce. The XH played the divorce game and WON. I have my integrity and self respect.

 

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

 

Thanks Debilou

[JamesM]

First, here is where I would be concerned...

 

I'm still not fully recovered. I still dream about X. Even though it turns out I'm better off without him. I'm picking up the pieces of my life and doing ok.

 

Until you have fully recovered, I am not sure that any man is good for you...no matter the age.

 

Having said that, age does not matter as much as maturity level. Assuming you are 40 and he is 22, this is a huge gap in maturity normally. He may think he doesn't want his own children now, but for most of us at that age, we are still partying. Children seem like something for old people. Or he may simply like an older woman. The idea of being with a woman who is so experienced is exciting. Anything he can say to make her happy he will do. Does he have his college degree or does he have a stable career job? What are his future plans? Does he plan to get a house?

 

IMO I am guessing that neither of you are ready for a longterm relationship. If you want a dating relationship, that is one thing. To involve your children as a possible stepfather can be damaging to them at a time where they have already incurred much pain.

[SmoochieFace]

I was married for 18 years. XH moved out on his 40th birthday. My WHOLE life changed.

 

I'm still not fully recovered. I still dream about X. Even though it turns out I'm better off without him. I'm picking up the pieces of my life and doing ok.

 

The point of the thread is: I met a wonderful YOUNG man who seems to adore me. He's great, non smoker, no partying, hard worker, Latin ! ! ! 18 years younger. He's never been married, no kids. I'm 99% sure I don't want more kids. He knows this.

 

I'm very happy and in love with him but am I fooling myself that this can work? My brohter married a woman 12 or so years older than himself about 20years ago and they're still going strong.

 

I have 2 boys, ages 11 and 16 and they think my man is great. They're dad was never the hands on involved dad. I AM NOT trying to replace him. My parents were divorced and my mom remarried when I was 11. I spent a lot of time with my dad.

 

Enough of history. Question: Do you think I'm on the road to disaster?

 

I truely believe no one will ever hurt me as bad as the XH. He tore my family apart. I didn't see it coming, never thought I'd be divorced. At this point I don't believe I'll ever remarry. I lost financially with the divorce. The XH played the divorce game and WON. I have my integrity and self respect.

 

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

 

Thanks Debilou

 

Well, my GF is almost ten years older than yours truly and it's stronger than ever now after three years. She just moved in with me.

 

It can work as long as you two have similar values, beliefs, and goals. Age really is just a number. You cannot judge someone simply because of their chronological age. 'Mental age' is certainly more important.

[oyster]

go check out agelesslove forum. lots of success stories there too

[Porn_Guy]

Enough of history. Question: Do you think I'm on the road to disaster?

yes you are...and it won't last mainly cause you're trying to get back at XH by showing him you can date a young stud. So you're doing it more to make him jelous than for yourself.

 

But there is no reason why you can't have fun for a while with your stud.

[blind_otter]

I'm still not fully recovered. I still dream about X. Even though it turns out I'm better off without him. I'm picking up the pieces of my life and doing ok.

 

This is what concerns me, as well. Regardless of the age difference, if you're not completely over the EX you bring baggage to the table that could be troublesome for the relationship.

 

Also, it's important to remember that age IS more than just a number. I have a LTR with a man who is 10 years my senior and he forgets, all the time really, that I am at a different stage in life and I am not a 36 year old woman, I don't have the life experience.

 

As long as you keep in mind that this man has and will always have a vastly different experience of the world I think it can work, but ONLY if you do something to overcome the baggage of your past.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don't think it's so much age or the number of years between you when you're looking at a relationship between two legal adults. It's more about where you're both at this stage in your lives. One person's hurdle already crossed may be someone else's goal still left to achieve.

 

For instance, someone who's older and has already done the marriage and family thing may be at a place in their lives when they're looking forward to the children finally leaving the nest and settling into a more peaceful and less stressful time in their later years. You won't find a lot of people in their forties or fifties who would look back over the last eighteen/twenty years of their lives and honestly say they would want to spend the next twenty years doing the same exact thing all over again. You know: been there, done that. Bought the tee-shirt.

 

But someone who's younger and just starting out in life, or has just never had the opportunity to experience those things, may eventually want to one day. Even if not now … maybe later at some point down the road if they honestly feel their missing out on something.

 

Given that you're still in the process of healing from your last relationship, you're probably not ready to commit yourself (fully) to a new one at this time, anyway. And that's perfectly understandable. I always thought it better to aire on the side of caution. However, that doesn't mean the two of you shouldn't continue to enjoy each other's company and see where this thing might go. Especially since you've already been completely honest with him, you both seem happy anyway, and everything (so far) is on the up-and-up. Only time will tell whether you grow together or grow apart. If you're both on the same page and are looking forward to sharing the same things together in your future … then it will be easy and everything will fall into place. If not --- then it has absolutely nothing to do with the years between you, rather the two different places you're both at in your lives.

 

Good luck. You DESERVE to find a little joy and happiness in your life! Or rather … it somehow found its way you.

 

BTW ... my sweetie's eight years younger than me. And he's HOT. Wish you could see the perma-grin on MY face!

[mable]

I think if it helps you then go for it and worry about it working when the time comes.

[debilou]

Thank you all for taking time to read and reply.

 

I know, I know, I know. I know I was supposed to wait a full year AFTER D day to start dating. I was in counseling, a great counselor. Two part time jobs and kids appointments got in the way. I watched Dr. Joy Brown when it was on. She beat home the point of finding yourself before you start a new realtionship. Sometimes that's easier said than done.

 

I didn't start dating until I was sure reconciliation wouldn't be possible. He had been gone for 14 months and I had filed for D 7 months earlier. I gave him enough time to "find" himself, get his act together, etc. He didn't want me back until he found out someone else was interested in me. But then his "acting" wasn't convincing. It still makes me sad. Sad that my entire marriage was a head game.

 

This wasn't the first man to ask me out just the first one to really got my complete attention. Making my H jealous IS the last thing I would consider. He's a nut. Trust me.

 

I found loveshack 2 months after he left. That was 25 months ago. This forum is one of the key things that helped me through the darkest times.

 

I am having a great time with him. I'm very honest about my choices and fears. If I get burned again so be it. It's not like I have money that he's after. He seems to really love and appreciate me. I do have some good qualities. Great cook, nurturing, energetic, outgoing, hard working, honest, bright. Gosh, maybe I am lovable. LOL ! ! !

 

Thanks again, Debilou

[debilou]

Oyster, how do I find the ageless love forum? Sounds great!

[oyster]

Oyster, how do I find the ageless love forum? Sounds great!

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/