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For those who got an extreme "late start"...


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Full disclosure: I'm such a person. I'm almost 27 and I've yet to have a first girlfriend, first fling, or anything of the sort.

 

My question is this: given having started the male-female relating thing so late, how did you manage to fit in flirting, short and long-term relationships, and "gotten it out of your system" (i.e. done the flings or "wilder" sexual-related stuff before the time in your life wherein such things became undesirable to your life path) in time?

 

If I think too much about it, I get scared and sad when I realize that most people of my socioeconomic class have done it all long ago by the time they're my age (they've had crushes, girl/boyfriends, short-term dating relationships and longer-term relationships, already done the wild partying through their college years and/or early work life, etc., and so on) and that I'm going to live a stunted life dating/relationship-wise (like I'm living in a state of arrested development) or else have crises on what I felt I missed (27 and getting older, without ever having been 14 or 21).

 

For those who "got a late start" and who have happy, successful dating/sex/relationship lives, what did you do? What about that aspect of your life so far has been important?

 

Thanks for your time.

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bluescreenlife

I started dating at 24 and now at 27 I've had one serious relationship... send me a PM if you like, maybe with your email (I rarely come on here anymore) and we can compare notes. If I have one thing to say, it's that 27 is still young. :)

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I did not have my first real kiss or GF until I was 28 years old. I was physically small, unconfident and obviously inexperienced.

 

From a sexual standpoint, things came pretty naturally with the first GF in terms of heavy petting (no intercourse). Perhaps due to my lack of experience, lack of confidence, I ended up marrying my second GF, which lasted over a decade, but meant I only had sex with one woman up until the age of 42!

 

In the years from 28 to 42, I filled out physically, got my education and career in line, became comfortable with who and what I am. Since my divorce I have had two GF's, both beautiful women. I am now engaged to marry. Hopefully this time it will be the last!

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Oh man, I can relate to this, even though I'm female. Didn't go on a date until a year ago (at age 23). That ended up being a relationship (not a great or serious one), but I still feel behind the times.

 

Since you're a male, I think you have a biological advantage in that you can still take your time over the next, say, 8 or 9 years before getting into a serious headed-for-marriage kind of relationship (assuming you ultimately want that).

 

I would also definitely recommend "shopping around" before settling down. When you don't have much of a past, it's very hard to resist the temptation to invest yourself completely in the first reasonably attractive person who seems legitimately interested. I know I sort of fell into this trap (which probably results from low confidence in this arena). But then once you know more about what a relationship is about, you realize that an unsatisfactory relationship is actually worse than being single. Or even if it's okay, you feel like you missed out on the exploratory "sowing one's wild oats" kind of thing. So caution seems to be in order.

 

There's also a huge emotional learning curve of sorts involved in a relationship. Being in a relationship unleashed some irrational sorts of emotions in me (such as jealousy, fear, etc) that most people learn to deal with as adolescents. There were also skills to learn (managing conflict, being assertive about your needs) that I also hadn't dealt with much, even though I was close to family and friends. What's worse about starting late is that you're mature enough to know how irrational say, sexual jealousy is, and yet you're still prey to the emotion.

 

Anyway, things are probably different for men getting to a late start, so I don't want to ramble endlessly.

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My advice is to stay away from girls that are separated from their husbands or boyfriends. Wait for them to get divorced and then give them couple of months to find themselves. Find a girl that is easy going, happy and not moody. Make sure you keep to your high standards and don't settle. Settling is worse than being alone.

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I started dating at 24 and now at 27 I've had one serious relationship... If I have one thing to say, it's that 27 is still young. :)

True, 27 is still young in life in general. What I'm afraid of is never truly being compatible in a healthy way and yet getting the experiences; I'm afraid that by the time I'm still working out how to handle a first long-term relationship breakup or learning how to fit a relationship of any kind into my schedule (assuming I can even find one) or some other ridiculously early-in-life thing, the women in question will be looking for something extremely serious. Not to mention as far as fitting this kind of thing in the rest of my life: most people have gone through their serial-dating and work-party-balance years already by my age, while I will not be able to do much in the way of the latter.

 

Since my divorce I have had two GF's, both beautiful women. I am now engaged to marry. Hopefully this time it will be the last!

Congratulations Orangele!

 

Oh man, I can relate to this, even though I'm female. Didn't go on a date until a year ago (at age 23). That ended up being a relationship (not a great or serious one), but I still feel behind the times.

 

Since you're a male, I think you have a biological advantage in that you can still take your time over the next, say, 8 or 9 years before getting into a serious headed-for-marriage kind of relationship (assuming you ultimately want that).

 

It's tough to say. I don't know how or whether marriage and children and all will factor in my life. But that is what I am afraid of--I'm not that far away from the time when the women will be worrying about their "biological clock".

 

I would also definitely recommend "shopping around" before settling down. When you don't have much of a past, it's very hard to resist the temptation to invest yourself completely in the first reasonably attractive person who seems legitimately interested. I know I sort of fell into this trap (which probably results from low confidence in this arena). But then once you know more about what a relationship is about, you realize that an unsatisfactory relationship is actually worse than being single. Or even if it's okay, you feel like you missed out on the exploratory "sowing one's wild oats" kind of thing. So caution seems to be in order.

Absolutely, provided I can successfully arrange any sort of "shopping" (I have been having serious trouble with that, but that's a matter for another thread). in sufficient quantity. I do feel like I missed out on the exploratory and "sowing wild oats" phase and I wonder what will happen if I find a first long-term girlfriend--will I necessarily have to dump her in order to avert a midlife crisis about my (lack of) sexuality in my youth?

 

There's also a huge emotional learning curve of sorts involved in a relationship. Being in a relationship unleashed some irrational sorts of emotions in me (such as jealousy, fear, etc) that most people learn to deal with as adolescents. There were also skills to learn (managing conflict, being assertive about your needs) that I also hadn't dealt with much, even though I was close to family and friends. What's worse about starting late is that you're mature enough to know how irrational say, sexual jealousy is, and yet you're still prey to the emotion.

Definitely--thus my fear (being in a stage of development more appropriate for adolescents). How did you handle that?

 

My advice is to stay away from girls that are separated from their husbands or boyfriends. Wait for them to get divorced and then give them couple of months to find themselves. Find a girl that is easy going, happy and not moody. Make sure you keep to your high standards and don't settle. Settling is worse than being alone.

I'll watch for that. I'm not out to interfere with anyone's relationships anyways--I plan on dating those that are entirely single and have no relationship-sabotaging baggage. (As baggage goes, at some level we all have our problems in life, but I've seen enough broken behaviors and bad relationships that I have some ideas of what I don't want to be tied into.)

 

Thanks for your replies people.

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bluescreenlife
When you don't have much of a past, it's very hard to resist the temptation to invest yourself completely in the first reasonably attractive person who seems legitimately interested. I know I sort of fell into this trap (which probably results from low confidence in this arena). But then once you know more about what a relationship is about, you realize that an unsatisfactory relationship is actually worse than being single. Or even if it's okay, you feel like you missed out on the exploratory "sowing one's wild oats" kind of thing. So caution seems to be in order.

 

There's also a huge emotional learning curve of sorts involved in a relationship. Being in a relationship unleashed some irrational sorts of emotions in me (such as jealousy, fear, etc) that most people learn to deal with as adolescents. There were also skills to learn (managing conflict, being assertive about your needs) that I also hadn't dealt with much, even though I was close to family and friends. What's worse about starting late is that you're mature enough to know how irrational say, sexual jealousy is, and yet you're still prey to the emotion.

 

I completely second all that - couldn't have said it better.

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For those who "got a late start" and who have happy, successful dating/sex/relationship lives, what did you do? What about that aspect of your life so far has been important?

 

Late start? Let me tell you about late start. I didn't get it right until age 50, even though I spent 25 years married to someone who was wrong for me prior to that.

 

What's been important is that I am now married to my intellectual, spiritual, professional, educational and emotional equal. It's a joy!

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For those who "got a late start" and who have happy, successful dating/sex/relationship lives, what did you do? What about that aspect of your life so far has been important?

 

Late start? Let me tell you about late start. I didn't get it right until age 50, although I did spend 25 years married to someone who was wrong for me prior to that.

 

What's been important is that I am now married to my intellectual, spiritual, professional, educational and emotional equal. It's a joy!

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I was about your age when I had my first girlfriend. I don't think that your situation is that unusual, or anything to worry about.

 

You'll be amazed at how quickly you will learn and adapt. Going through a breakup is hard at any age and no matter how many times you have done it. I have been lucky in that I have always been the one who does the breaking, but it isn't easy even then. Everything else will come easy. Just do what you feel. Sure, you'l make mistakes, but that never goes away. Be glad you don't have a litany of mistakes to go over in your mind for the rest of your life....

 

As far as serial dating and crazy sexual experiences, you aren't missing much. Most of my fling experiences were weird, and in some cases I'd rather forget them totally. Chances are you'll have those, too, but if you don't who cares?

 

I would stay away from women with any sort of history if you can help it. Dealing with baggage at your stage would be rough--it's rough anyway. Younger women are your best bet, as chances are they are in the same position you are.

 

Take your time, don't seettle, and at the slightest hint of craziness, run like hell! There are women out there who will twist you so bad you'll never be good for anyone ever again.

 

At this point you are a ctach, believe it or not. A guy your age who is all screwed up by some harpy? Rare indeed. Good luck and above all have fun!

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Lights, i think the multiple dating is highly overrated and I think there's a lot less people in the world who actually sow their wild oats. I have a friend who married his first girlfriend at age 30, and now they're starting a family. What's more important in life? How many people you've dated? Or finding your soul mate? If your soul mate entered your life and you knew you'd be happy for the rest of your life with that person, would you turn your back just so you could sow your wild oats?

 

Keep your chin up and dont think of yourself negatively. Media has a way of glamorizing "dating", and we feel like a social reject if our lives dont match, but from my limited experience, dating has not been that fun until you actually find a person you completely match with and have a relationship with.

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I would stay away from women with any sort of history if you can help it. Dealing with baggage at your stage would be rough--it's rough anyway. Younger women are your best bet, as chances are they are in the same position you are.

 

Take your time, don't seettle, and at the slightest hint of craziness, run like hell! There are women out there who will twist you so bad you'll never be good for anyone ever again.

 

 

Definitely good advice! Go for someone younger without a huge past; dealing with someone else's baggage is pretty rough and insecurity-provoking if you don't have baggage yourself (speaking from experience here!). I found myself much more bothered by my ex-BF's baggage than I would have been, if I had been experienced myself.

 

As for how I handled my late start, well, it was stressful because I was in love with the guy from the get-go, whereas he was taking it casually (as you ideally should be right in the beginning). Once the relationship started, I often found myself turning to friends for advice when I was confused or hurt, asking them, "He said/ did this... what do you think of that?" And they would give advice or explain things from their own knowledge of men and relationships. Not the most ideal thing to do, but like the other poster said, if you're a newbie, you often don't really know what's acceptable behavior in a relationship context...

 

Best would be to go casual first...

 

And YES, run at the slightest hint of craziness! And don't let yourself get treated like a doormat!

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Hey Lights - like everyone else here said - don't beat yourelf up about your dating... I started around 18/20 which I felt was late at that time bc it seemed like everyone else had already gotten going on it. But as it turns out that is not true and many people do start later.

Now, almost a decade later I don't feel any happier for having started when I did. The dating scene is pretty grim in your 20s - many people still feel a bit lost and can barely cope with their own insecurities and problems let alone the demands of a relationship. So, I think you have not missed out on a ton of fun. Some people obviously do find love and compatability at a young age... but most do not and believe me and the other poster who mentioned it the dating scene can be very frustrating. Especially these days people are marrying much later.

You probably have better judgment about people.

 

By the way, to answer your question the thing that got me ready to date was exercise. I exercised, felt great about myself and my appearance. Felt really confident and that attracted dates and friends.

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Consider the late 20's the "last chance" stage. It's the last chance to get the career track you want, it's the last chance to go for gold for that degree you've always wanted, it's the last chance to really put yourself on the dating market. I recommend you write out a 6-12 month plan on really making yourself marketable and skilled.

 

Trust me dude, if you're 35, high school education, socially inept, no real usable skills - You will end up with a fat & ugly hog.

 

This is your last chance.

 

I also agree with Moai, go with younger women. DEFINETELY. Women who are single around your age and older..dude they got baggage a mile high which YOU SHOULD NEVER have to share. Why should YOU, the prospering 27 year old deal with a 27 year old woman whose banged a dozen guys and got abused by half of them. The positive note about younger women for your age is that they are more open to your inexperience vs that 30 yo woman who is on her 122nd guy. Women should know what the heck they want by their 3rd boyfriend right? Nah, they don't so they keep banging away till they find a chump who will open their wallet for them.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Hi everyone, I'm finally back.

 

I was about your age when I had my first girlfriend. I don't think that your situation is that unusual, or anything to worry about.

 

You'll be amazed at how quickly you will learn and adapt. Going through a breakup is hard at any age and no matter how many times you have done it...

 

Take your time, don't seettle, and at the slightest hint of craziness, run like hell! There are women out there who will twist you so bad you'll never be good for anyone ever again.

 

At this point you are a ctach, believe it or not. A guy your age who is all screwed up by some harpy? Rare indeed. Good luck and above all have fun!

Thanks, Moai. I'll watch out and try to have fun with it.

 

As far as serial dating and crazy sexual experiences, you aren't missing much. Most of my fling experiences were weird, and in some cases I'd rather forget them totally. Chances are you'll have those, too, but if you don't who cares?

I'm surprised to hear that--may I ask what made them forgettable? A lot of people don't necessarily regret, say, their spring break flings or that casual encounter as a single man on Valentine's day.

 

Lights, i think the multiple dating is highly overrated and I think there's a lot less people in the world who actually sow their wild oats. I have a friend who married his first girlfriend at age 30, and now they're starting a family. What's more important in life? How many people you've dated? Or finding your soul mate? If your soul mate entered your life and you knew you'd be happy for the rest of your life with that person, would you turn your back just so you could sow your wild oats?

 

Congratulations to your friend.

 

More important in my life? Probably neither. I'm not necessarily a believer in soul mates and I'm not sure if marriage is obsolete. I just merely desired those experiences while I'm still young and single was all. The number of people I've dated would be something (I assumed would be) necessary in order to find the right person for any longer-term relationship(s). It's confusing even to me.

 

To answer your question, that would be precisely what I feared--there are people in this world who do exactly that during mid-life crises. But if I knew I could be happy for the rest of my life, as you point out, that would be another matter.

 

Keep your chin up and dont think of yourself negatively. Media has a way of glamorizing "dating", and we feel like a social reject if our lives dont match, but from my limited experience, dating has not been that fun until you actually find a person you completely match with and have a relationship with.

Probably. I'm actually pretty isolated from most media, so I don't know if I'm being pressured in that way. I'll have to find out.

 

Definitely good advice! Go for someone younger without a huge past; dealing with someone else's baggage is pretty rough and insecurity-provoking if you don't have baggage yourself (speaking from experience here!).

 

Best would be to go casual first...

 

And YES, run at the slightest hint of craziness! And don't let yourself get treated like a doormat!

Thanks orangehose, I'll do that.

 

Hey Lights - like everyone else here said - don't beat yourelf up about your dating... I started around 18/20 which I felt was late at that time bc it seemed like everyone else had already gotten going on it. But as it turns out that is not true and many people do start later.

Now, almost a decade later I don't feel any happier for having started when I did. The dating scene is pretty grim in your 20s - many people still feel a bit lost and can barely cope with their own insecurities and problems let alone the demands of a relationship. So, I think you have not missed out on a ton of fun. Some people obviously do find love and compatability at a young age... but most do not and believe me and the other poster who mentioned it the dating scene can be very frustrating. Especially these days people are marrying much later.

You probably have better judgment about people.

 

I'll make no claim about judgement about people; in practice I'm actually pretty poor at it, and the reason I've been dateless is many years of rejection (both direct and indirect) and increasing anger at it.

 

How do you mean grim? I'm not sure I understand. I've got my share of insecurities myself, that's for sure, but I'm not sure how it makes dating grim.

 

Nah, they don't so they keep banging away till they find a chump who will open their wallet for them.
I haven't any use for prostitutes, whether they ply their trade openly or in disguise.
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