comfused with my relationship

[Meldarion]

My fiance and i will have been together for 6 years in a few days but the past six months of our relationship have brought me more stress and confusion than ive had in my life. I'm 25 and shes 23 we have also been living together for 4 years and engaged for 2. but the past 6 months have been a real heartache for me.

 

she started being chatted up on some online game she plays i asked her to cut it out after seeing some nasty things which we argued about but she promised it wouldent happen again.

 

it did happen again, i saw phone numbers and addresses swaped, although his address being a US one and we live in the UK, i found out she had been sending pictures to him, i even found actual mail she was going to send to him containing some love poem she had copied from the internet.

 

i was forced to give her a choice, him and the game, or me. she chose me over the game thankfully.

 

things started to improove between us, she even asked me about children and would i like to be a father. This would make me so happy i diddent have the words for it and i let her know that.

 

The next day she went to visit her mother and stayed over for a couple of days which she does do on the odd occasion. we would speak every night and after a few days i asked her when she was coming home and she said she diddent know. so i said well i miss you ya know, you miss me to right? again she said, i dont know. i diddent know what to say eventualy i asked, you still love me though? and she said of course but ive got to go, i dont remember the reason for why she had to go off the phone.

 

eventualy she did come back after 3 weeks i never have gotten to the bottom of why she really stayed away. But we kept arguing i wouldent let her go on that game and jept telling her the same thing, she sent a love ltter to someone on the game and i dont want her back on it.

 

so back to her mothers again after we argued beacuse i wanted her to get showered and dressed so we could go out, but she dident want to go out she just wanted to sit at the pc so she said thers no point. Even her mother and father are fed up with it now they have told us both that we have to stop arguing, she says she gets fed up staying here with me cause i keep brining up that she sent this letter but i cant stress enough that i wouldent be bringing it up and arguing about it if she wouldent keep asking to go on that game, i want to leave it in the past but how can i if she wont let me.

 

I spoke to her mother and father yesterday and infront of her, her father said to me he's spoken to her and told her shes lucky as most men wouldent stand for half of what ive put up with, and he's amazed that im still willing to forgive her for all the messing arround shes given me. She came home since her father said those things she seemed to realise it wasnt fair and yet again things got better between us, we havnt argued, she stayed off that game and the other night she mentioned about having children again, i was happy again.

 

Her father has fallen ill with his heart and understandably she has gone to stay for a while but she left in a hurry i went to use the computer and ive found that she is still talking to this person through the myspace page she left on the screen in her haste to leave.

 

i dont know wher i stand, i cant talk to her about it at the moment as she is so worried over her father. i want this relationship to continue, i love her so much despite my best friends and family telling me i can do better, its not about doing better though i love her and cant avoid it even though she keeps hurting me like this. what am i supposed to say to her when i can talk about it, i want this person out of our lives so we can move on,

 

so we can have the things she keeps promising me, children and marrage. when we are together and away from that machine we're happy but it keeps slipping back into our lifes and everytime i threaten to remove the pc she grows distance from me, she says she loves me, but flirts and sends pictures of herself to this person all the time, its driving me crazy and i do mean that in a litteral sence, i cant take much more of this.

 

thankyou to anyone who reads this and if anyone can reply with even just a sentence that can shed the tinyest bit of light on which way i should turn i would be very greatfull.

 

David

[Enema]

As your relationship seems rather rocky, kids shouldn't even enter your mind.

 

Stay away from that pit until you're sure your relationship is secure and lasting.

 

It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and it sounds like a typical young woman who hasn't had much experience with men and wonders what she's missing out on.

 

It certainly doesn't sound good, she wants to try new things and you stopping her from playing the game will make her resent you rather than realise what she's going to lose.

 

I think it's time for you to do some damage control and cut your losses. If she loved you, she would not be playing these mind games.

[fetish]

give her 1, 2, maybe 3 more chances. You never realize how quick you can straighten a ho out when you threaten to leave her a$$! Be the man!

[Walk]

Not sure if you're actually reading the replies, but I thought I'd share what little wisdom I have.

 

Usually, when people get attached to someone outside of the relationship its because that person is filling a need, or a want, that the relationship isn't fulfilling. Either she's looking for the passion you two once shared, or she feels this other guy really listens to her, or he gives her compliments, positive affirmations on who she is. Could be a combination of things, or something I didn't list. But the basic idea is that this stranger is probably making her feel like she felt when she fell for you. Something that has dropped off over time. And you won't get her to stop contacting this guy unless she starts getting from you what she gets from this other guy.

 

My suggestion, when the situation with the father has calmed down enough that it isn't going to conflict, then sit her down and have a serious heart to heart with her. Lay it all out on the table for her. Tell her what you know (she's having an emotional affair with another man) with as little feeling as possible. Don't get upset, hurt, angry, whatever. As unemotional as possible. Cold almost, but don't be hurtful about it. Explain to her that you are calling the engagment off. That you want this to work between you, but she has to want it. (She'll probably jump in and say she does want it to work, but don't let her off with just words on her part.) Explain to her that her actions say she doesn't want this to work. That she's showing you where her heart is, and it's not with you.

 

Basically, lay out the facts, and tell her you are leaving her (for good) if she continues down the path she's taking. It's kind of a smack of reality to the fantasy world she's living in. She wants the excitment and passion of the other guy, but wants the stabillity and consistent love from you. Let her know that this isn't going to happen. That she can't have both, and that YOU will decide her fate if she won't do it on her own.

 

Then tell her you need a two weeks to yourself. To decide what you want in your life. And that you want her to figure out what she wants. Then both of you will sit back down and have an honest discussion about everything. Ask her (after the two weeks) if she wants to continue the relationship, and explain that it's going to take a lot of effort from both of you to ensure that it works. If she agree's, then discuss her thoughts on the other man, her thoughts about you, about what she feels she's getting from the guy, what is lacking in the relationship, and whether it's worth pursuing resolving the problems, or even if you two should stay together, or end the relationship. If you two can't come to some kind of rough idea on how to repair things, then don't delude yourself into thinking everything will go back to the way it was before this guy entered your life. No plan of change = no change. It will stay broken.

 

You run the risk of her going straight to the other guy for "comfort", but if she's willing to do that knowing that you would leave her if she did, then it wouldn't have mattered whether you forgave right away or not, the result would've been the same. But I think she needs time to evaluate what is important in her life, and I think if she's around you during that time you may inadvertantly guilt her into feeling like she should stay when it's not really what she wanted...

 

So I think giving her time to herself without influence from you would allow her to make her own decision, plus it will show her exactly what she is going to lose if she doesn't start putting all of her effort into your relationship. Don't keep giving her the stability and comfort of unconditional love, rip it away for a while, and let her see how cold and lonely the world is on her own. I think she's taking what she has with you for granted.

 

You can't make her stay with you and love you... but don't allow her to use you as a safety net either.

 

Stand your ground. Be firm. I don't think you'll have a problem with being understanding, but I think you run the risk of being Too understanding and too forgiving. She's being disrespectful of you and the relationship. Figure out where your boundaries are. Right now she's cheating you out of the emotional investment that she's giving to this other man. These types of emotional affairs can lead directly to physical ones. (if it hasn't already) You need to clearly set the boundaries, ensure that she understands the repercussions of her actions now and future actions, and figure out what caused the disconnect in the first place. Then work on fixing it (if you can.).

[Meldarion]

Thankyou all for your replys sorry i havnt been able to reply sooner a few hours after i posted i got a call from my fiance's mother she asked me to come see them, although i do get allong with them very well i knew straight away what they wanted to talk about.

When i arrived more had been said then i realised. Ther have been some great changes in my fiance's father since his heart attack and although i dont know what he has said to her exactly he did tell me that he's spoken to her, and explained to her that she cant just run to ther place everytime she and i have a dissagreement, and that if it carries on she will end up losing me, i do understand that although i care for her so much ther is only so much a person can take and although i felt it was to soon to explain all this to her while all this difficulty is happening with her father. Confronted with her parents i had no choice but to explain to them and her that a i love her and will never stop loving her but i can'not continue a relationship with her if she is going to give her "i love you's" to another man be it physicaly or through this game.

Some anger flared up towards her from her father when he asked me about this game, mainly, in his words "how much is she paying for this game to ruin her relationship" i told him well its only 6$ per month roughly but she pays for 3 accounts.

It was horrid that this had to get so difficult as i was quite fearfull or the effects this would have on her father but he did calm down quickly. I diddent need to suggest that we need some time appart as her mother steped forward and suggested it first, and this seemed to upset my fience more than anything, and i feel sorry for her and worry as now it looks like not even her family is on her side so to speak, but i know who will be looking to comfort her. The person i want her to speak to the least. So it still could go either way, she may feel betrayed by her family and slip back into this fantasy world of hers (which is only fantasy as he's US and we're UK she dosent work as she is registered disabled and cant afford long distance travel and nither can he).

Or she may see sence and come back to me willing to put effort into our relationship that she used too. I will take in all the advice you have given me, i will stand my ground and leave it up to her now to contact me and not go running to her to see if shes alright dispite how difficult i know its going to be.

Thankyou all for your support and i will keep you all posted when i know more