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I Feel Selfish - Any Advise!!


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chocolate_boy

Ok I hate the way I'm feeling at the moment, and more-so the fact that I don't want to say anything as I'll appear selfish.

 

My girlfriend and I live pretty close, and she is quite down at the moment as she has no job and still lives with her parents. It has been her dream for years to work in TV.. and she knows a guy in new york who is a producer for a big network. Now this guy is 38 and she's 20... but he has had massive feelings of infatuation about her for a while, and got really jealous when her and I got together, she has kissed him once but that was a year ago.

 

So anyway he offered to help her out producing a show reel, so she asked me if I'd mind her going to stay with him for a weekend to get one made, I didn't feel comfortable with it, but there's no way she can afford a hotel for 3 nights, so I said yeah, and joked "so long as you sleep on his couch"!.

 

She's there at moment, and I talked to her a bit over the weekend, she was telling me they've been going out for dinner on the evenings together and last night sat and watched fireworks on a hill while sipping red wine... I'd gritted my teeth as I don't want to come across the jealous boyfriend who's gonna ruin her dreams of living in NYC and the dream job, but she is also terribly niave when it comes to men.

 

I thought its ok, she's back later, now just spoken to her on the phone and she wants to go and stay with him next weekend so she can now look for any job in NYC as she's decided she wants to live there. Now the long-distance thing I told her was not a prob originally cos she got very down, thinking I would hamper her chances of moving there cos she's fallen in love with me, I assured her we'd stay together and she must pursue her dreams.. chances are though, we would never see each other as I work weekends too.

 

I asked if she could afford to live in NYC with a wage for a drama job (she's decided she'll do that just to get there) she said no, but this guy has offered to let her stay with him for as long as she wants, rent free.

 

Now I feel sick to the stomach at the moment, but all along I've been encouraging her, cos I don't want to seem like I'm holding her back and make her resent me. But really I didn;t think she'd do NYC for years, we talked about moving in together next year and everything too, but looks like it's not gonna happen, and how can I relax with her living with this guy who's obsessed with her?

 

Please advise me, I feel so lost.

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Now I feel sick to the stomach at the moment, but all along I've been encouraging her, cos I don't want to seem like I'm holding her back and make her resent me. But really I didn;t think she'd do NYC for years, we talked about moving in together next year and everything too, but looks like it's not gonna happen, and how can I relax with her living with this guy who's obsessed with her?

 

Please advise me, I feel so lost.

 

Damn - it does sound a crappy situation for you, and you have that very difficult task of balancing the desire to trust someone with the need to assess a situation realistically.

 

It could well be that your gf is loyal enough to go through with all these plans, move in with this guy who can help her career-wise and stay absolutely faithful to you throughout. Only you know her well enough to gauge that. I can only urge you to proceed in terms of what your head and your instincts tell you how this is likely to pan out...rather than what your heart hopes will happen.

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chocolate_boy

I know it's just awful, part of me feels like I should really try and not get even more attached to her, cos I feel it's unlikely to work out. With her living so far away and us not been able to see each other, and her mixing with new people and crowds, I'd very likely be forgotten, especially as she's only 20. I am realistic, however I've promised her that won't happen and we'll be together cos it's a big worry for her too, but I put her mind at rest, basically by feeding her BS.

 

Chances are I wouldn't stay with her if she went cos I couldn't cope with feeling like this, I may be selfish saying that, but I just wouldn't see a future for us really, and I couldn't cope with her living with him realistically.. god I've had the most awful mental images and sick feelings this weekend and she's only been with him for three days.

 

At the moment we only spend weekends together and she's wanting to go back to NYC next weekend now (even though we had made plans to spend it together). I dunno... I have only been with her since July, but have fallen hard, she's calling me all weekend telling me how much she misses me and she feels ill cos of it too, she has been sms me all weekend telling me she loves me and misses me.

 

I am crazy about her, and out of all the girls I've been with I have never felt this strongly about someone, or had someone so compatible with me, but I feel so unsure about us now...

 

I suppose I just support her and if she does get a job in NYC deal with it then. I feel like I'm lying to her pretending I'm ok with it all and we'll stay together, but I don't want her to resent me or hold her back.

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Chances are I wouldn't stay with her if she went cos I couldn't cope with feeling like this, I may be selfish saying that, but I just wouldn't see a future for us really, and I couldn't cope with her living with him realistically.. god I've had the most awful mental images and sick feelings this weekend and she's only been with him for three days.

 

I can't see anything remotely selfish about what you're saying. Relationships aren't supposed to involve endless anxiety and doubts...and this is exactly why in most cases long distance relationships are extremely difficult to manage. There's too little scope for the kind of real communication that needs to take place person to person. Add in the other complications you've mentioned, and your thoughts about this are absolutely understandable. And very sensible, I would say.

 

At the moment we only spend weekends together and she's wanting to go back to NYC next weekend now (even though we had made plans to spend it together). I dunno... I have only been with her since July, but have fallen hard, she's calling me all weekend telling me how much she misses me and she feels ill cos of it too, she has been sms me all weekend telling me she loves me and misses me.

 

I am crazy about her, and out of all the girls I've been with I have never felt this strongly about someone, or had someone so compatible with me, but I feel so unsure about us now...

 

Sometimes if an unavoidable situation is placing too much strain on a relationship, the best thing really is to take a break from that relationship. That doesn't mean the two of you don't love eachother, but it does mean you recognise that there are too many complications that could lead to a lot destructive negativity and resentment building up. A graciously handled break can leave the door open for getting back together in the future if that proves to be what you both want.

 

I suppose I just support her and if she does get a job in NYC deal with it then. I feel like I'm lying to her pretending I'm ok with it all and we'll stay together, but I don't want her to resent me or hold her back.

 

Neither do you want to end up resenting her. You must also consider your feelings in this matter, because they're every bit as important as hers.

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chocolate_boy

Really appreciate your advise, am I right in not saying anything about this? I am seeing her tonight, but feel I should just act normal and try not to say anything about how I feel, she has enough on her plate and enough mixed emotions and stress about her life without me adding to it.

 

I should just be supportive and deal with things if and when they happen yeah?

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Really appreciate your advise, am I right in not saying anything about this? I am seeing her tonight, but feel I should just act normal and try not to say anything about how I feel, she has enough on her plate and enough mixed emotions and stress about her life without me adding to it.

 

I should just be supportive and deal with things if and when they happen yeah?

 

If you feel you can cope with doing that, then it sounds like a plan. As you say, nothing is set in stone yet.

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Actions speak louder than words...

 

I would suggest that you cut your losses at the moment and just let this one go...

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chocolate_boy
Actions speak louder than words...

 

I would suggest that you cut your losses at the moment and just let this one go...

 

What do you mean by that "actions speak louder than words", what actions are you seeing?

 

She has no job there yet or here, you think I should end it now even though nothing has happened? More explanation be really appreciated.

 

Ive had my fair share of relationships, but this one means more to me than anyone ever has, and i've been engaged before.. I really love this girl.

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Come on, this girl is 20 years old and has found a sugar daddy in NYC to help her out with her carrier.

 

He is interested in her, as you have stated and she would living with him "rent free."

 

Ask yourself, if you were this guy would you try to get her in bed?

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chocolate_boy
Come on, this girl is 20 years old and has found a sugar daddy in NYC to help her out with her carrier.

 

He is interested in her, as you have stated and she would living with him "rent free."

 

Ask yourself, if you were this guy would you try to get her in bed?

 

I'm certain he will, she is very pretty and he has tried before.

 

How do I say that to her though without coming across like a selfish bastard? How do I say "if you go stay with him its over" without holding her life back? I don't want to hamper her career.. I would rather end it than do that and have her stay and resent me.

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Ive had my fair share of relationships, but this one means more to me than anyone ever has, and i've been engaged before.. I really love this girl.

Dude...I have digested your last thread about her, and it was really, really syrupy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you seem so much more into her than she is into you.

 

Maybe it just seems that way.

 

Although this time you seem to have a grip, and a reasonably balanced view about a difficult situation.

 

You were engaged before? I guess you learnt something from that experience?? You're saying she means more to you than the person you got engaged to?

 

Keep trying to maintain that balanced perspective. I think, despite the impressive way you seem to be dealing with it so far, that you're close to pushing her away with your passive "demands" for attention (and validation).

 

I still feel for you, though.

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chocolate_boy
Dude...I have digested your last thread about her, and it was really, really syrupy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you seem so much more into her than she is into you.

 

Maybe it just seems that way.

 

Although this time you seem to have a grip, and a reasonably balanced view about a difficult situation.

 

You were engaged before? I guess you learnt something from that experience?? You're saying she means more to you than the person you got engaged to?

 

Keep trying to maintain that balanced perspective. I think, despite the impressive way you seem to be dealing with it so far, that you're close to pushing her away with your passive "demands" for attention (and validation).

 

I still feel for you, though.

 

Well I do think she is equally into me, I mean she called me at 5am crying the other night saying she missed me so much it was "killing her", she's just less forward with her feelings than a lot of people, prob due to her upbringing.

 

Yeah I was engaged and did end that as my girlfriend got too clingy and I couldnt have a life, that was 4 years ago, and yes this girl does mean more to me than my ex fiance, that shocks me as I never thought anyone would take her place.

 

The stuff I post on here I've never said to her, I've never demanded attention from her or pulled her up on anything, hence the reason I spout it on here so I don't say it to her, having been there myself there's nothing more unattractive I know.

 

I am generally a very confident guy, I just so want this relationship to work out as I've had so many fail and I've never been this compatible with someone. She has said all this to me, she feels so lucky to have met me and she never imagined there was someone she could love so much, but it depresses her as she says she can't even go a day without crying when we're apart... yet she has her heart on this life in NYC in TV.. I assured her it wouldn't change anything and I'd go see her every weekend, but only cos I want her to fulfil her dreams... I don't really plan on staying with her if she goes.. hence the reason I feel like I'm lying to her.

 

What do you suggest I do at moment? Just continue acting normal and support her is my gut feeling, not to be clingy or try and keep her here, to actually actively push her to go infact.

 

Maybe I just need to emotionally not let myself get more involved with her. It is sad though, cos it could go either way, til last week she was saying she wanted us to move in together next year and she would try and get a job here (she has an interview here on friday though), now after this weeekend she's on about going to NYC to do anything now.. she seems confused?

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she called me at 5am crying the other night saying she missed me so much it was "killing her", she's just less forward with her feelings than a lot of people, prob due to her upbringing.

Less forward? Haha.

 

Torn between two passions. Which way will it go? Stay tuned.

 

But seriously (I realise this is your life!!), you need to put her in the picture about NYC (you said you were lying??). Either that, or settle in for the long haul. If what you have is that special, of course it will survive. It won't be easy - but what is??!!

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chocolate_boy
Less forward? Haha.

 

Torn between two passions. Which way will it go? Stay tuned.

 

But seriously (I realise this is your life!!), you need to put her in the picture about NYC (you said you were lying??). Either that, or settle in for the long haul. If what you have is that special, of course it will survive. It won't be easy - but what is??!!

 

Lol nice. Well I know for her perspective she said she was worried that her feelings for me will prevent her carrying out her dreams, I told her I loved her and would make her go, and of course we'll stay together. I'm also the first guy she's been in love with she tells me, and has also said to me I'm perfect and "please never let me go".

 

Who knows, if she does go to NYC I might do it too I suppose, I am serious about us and suppose that would solve probs.

 

I think currently, I should swallow my feelings of hurt and be supportive, then even if it does end, I'll be remembered as the guy that pushed her to fulfil her dreams, not the loser who tried to hold her back.

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and has also said to me I'm perfect and

There aren't too many perfect people in the world. I've changed my mind - my money is on you.

even if it does end, I'll be remembered as the guy that pushed her to fulfil her dreams

Ahhh...nobility at its finest. But don't push. And don't pull.

 

Let her make up her own mind. You have to give her your part of the equation, though...so decide now whether you really can live with either outcome.

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Like I said before she is 20 and her life is going to be going though some big changes... And where do you fit into those changes?

 

How much older are you than her?

 

I just fear that if she goes that you may not fit into her life after a short time...

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I just fear that if she goes that you may not fit into her life after a short time...

He's going too now. Try to keep up, haha.

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chocolate_boy

I'm 25 so have a few years on her. She got down about it cos in her words "you're the only good thing I have going for me in life at moment and I don't want to lose you".

 

I have been thinking about it, actually I've wanted to work in NYC for years but never had the nerve to try, maybe this is the kick up the ass I need?

 

Either way I think I should just relax, no point in getting stressed about something that hasnt happened yet I suppose... And who wants a boyfriend that causes extra stress... she'll do what makes her happy, and if being with me is that then she won't leave me behind in a major hurry I suppose...

 

Or am I being hopelessly romantic? :love:

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I'm 25 so have a few years on her. She got down about it cos in her words "you're the only good thing I have going for me in life at moment and I don't want to lose you".

 

 

This is why it is not a good idea to get involved with someone who does not have thier life straight. When she finds something else good in her life you may no longer look that appealing...

 

Just my 2ct. I am trying to point out the dangers here and I could very well be wrong.

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chocolate_boy

just an update folks, we did end up talking it through last night, she had been thinking about it all day.. and made a few ideas on where her life is going, all the options featured me as the number one priority.. which I wasn't wholly comfortable with, but at least she is committed to me.

 

I did tell her we're unlikely to work out if we lived seperately, as I'm being realistic, she didn't like hearing that, but I said I'm gonna try and go to NYC too and start applying for jobs, I have wanted to do it for years and have lots of friends there, she was really happy with this news, so just sort of seeing what happens now I suppose, our aim is before the end of next summer to be there, she wants us to live together, which sort of makes sense, but I am being realistic and trying not to put too much into it.

 

I am wanted to do New York anyway, so am gonna make an effort for myself to do it, and if we're still together and happy then we'll do it together. I am keeping grounded here!

 

I think it's gonna be just fine though.

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