What is she telling me?

[Winston]

About a month ago I met a wonderful girl and there was an instant attraction. We went out about 6 or 7 times and things were going very good. She has been officially divorced for about a month, separated for a year. When we met I just came out of a relationship that ended very painfully. So, we both knew about out stories and both agreed about taking things slow. I didn’t kiss her until the third date and she knew that I was apprehensive around her, but she told me that she would never hurt me. The reason I was apprehensive was that I started having feelings for her and all of a sudden I got really scared that I was going to get hurt. She knew about this and brought it up in an email. She told me to take things slow and to not worry about things with her. That we are having fun and to not take things so seriously or rush things. All of which I agreed with, but its kind of hard to stop how you feel. Well last week we had a date which was great. But something was wrong, nothing overt, but I could sense it. So the next day I emailed her and asked what was wrong and she said that she knew how much I appreciated honesty, which I do, so she told me that she had also been seeing someone else as well as me. Now, we were certainly not exclusive to each other and I knew that. She said that it had been bothering her and she didn’t want to lie to me. She said that she doesn’t know what to do. Now, talk about your awkward positions. I wasn’t sure what to say. On the one hand she did exactly what I wanted by being honest with me so I couldn’t be mad at her and on the other hand she knows that I have feelings for her. She told me that she felt horrible for telling me this and made it clear that there was nothing definite with all this. I told her that it was fine and that I certainly understood her predicament, but that she should just follow her heart. I told her that she had done nothing wrong, which she hadn’t because we were not exclusive to each other. I told her not to feel bad and that I would just back off, because I kind of felt in the way. Well she mailed me back and told me that I was not in the way and that I had done nothing wrong. She said that I had been nothing but wonderful to her. So I told her that I would rather her ask me to do things with her. We left it at that. Well she asked me to do something Thursday night, which I did. It was nothing intimate since we were with other people. She called me late Thursday night after she got home and we had a great conversation. Nothing about us, but rather about her family and other stuff. Now it is Sunday and she did not ask me to do anything this weekend. I am just worried right now that I am about to be played for a fool. Again, she has done nothing wrong. She did exactly what I wanted by being honest with me. She says all the right things to me and I don’t want to blow my chances by running away from this. But red flags are going up all over the place. I am wondering if she is telling me to get lost or does she want me to pursue her or is she trying to make me feel jealous. I hate these little games, and I believe that I made the right move by telling her that she needs to let me know when she wants to go out. At the same time I am being set up with someone else. I will go on this date, but I do want to leave the options open with the first girl since I do like her so much. We have had some great times together and have been very close at times. But I have been here before and I am ready to get the hell out. The problem I have is that I am afraid that if I run I will regret it. After what she told me I left her alone and she has been the one that writes or calls me so that is where the confusion comes in. We have a lot in common and we have shared some very painful stuff from our pasts. What the hell am I supposed to do?

[Tony T]

Having significant discussions about the status of your relationship via Email is NOT good. For millions of years, men and women discussed relationship issues face to face, before telephones, pony express, and Email. (I don't think the Indians used smoke signals because they usually saw people in the same reservation and were forced to see them in person.) There is no substitution for body language and facial expressions and I hope you will give up communicating the heavy stuff on Email.

 

If anybody set you up in this deal, it's you and you seem to understand that. You have been very insightful in recognizing this lady has been honest and has done nothing wrong. I feel you started dating WAY WAY WAY too soon after your painful break-up with another lady. In almost every case, transitional, healing, rebound-type relationships do not work. Everybody needs time to heal and regain emotional homeostasis before getting back out into the world of socializing with the opposite sex.

 

Right now, it seems your problem is not knowing just where you stand...whether this woman wants you, the other guy, or to just to go on dating. Since she has been very honest and straightforward up to now, you need to leave it to her to let you know. You are in a danger zone here because if she had a sufficient level of feelings for you, she would not be seeing someone else.

 

You have to remember, she too was divorced not long before the two of you got together. Even though she was separated for a year, there is no way of telling what she went through emotionally and may be still going through. You need to respect her need to see what's out there, to have fun. She sounds like a truly nice lady who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but at the same time she realizes she needs to play the field and doesn't want to make the same mistakes over.

 

By giving up your role of MAN here and insisting she ask you out, you may have turned her off. Now that she can compare you with others she is seeing, by sort of pulling back and leaving things to her you sent a signal that your interest level is not great enough to continue pursuing her in a normal fashion. So if you want to continue seeing her and see the direction things are going to go in, you will have to take control of the situation again and also accept the risk of being hurt. She can ask you out also but women want MEN, they want to be pursued, they want to be asked out, and your competitors have a disinct advantage if you just back off, get out of the way, and let them take over her time.

 

So your options are to remain dating her, with some suggested modifications in style, or to move on. You are served well either way. Initially, you really needed some healing time...you probably still do...you need to meet lots of nice ladies and find one who fits best into your current lifestyle, emotional constitution, and who will best see you through your years ahead.

 

I think it's great for you to see other people as well, and remember, while dating is certainly for having fun...getting serious is a precursor to engagement and marriage. Be sure the one you want to get serious with has many of the qualities you desire in a lifetime partner. Likewise, you must be the MAN they envision for their future.