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Long Distance Troubles


Distressed

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This may be a long question but I had no idea who to ask advice of since everyone I know isn't experienced enough to give it. My boyfriend and I have really connected and I've felt more secure and comfortable with him than any other guy I've been with. But recently I moved away to go to college while he's taking another year in high school (I'm inexperienced in'love-stuff' myself..) anyway, we've only been apart a month and I went to see him recently and he was sweet and everything but now I am getting paranoid. He's an attractive guy and has a few girls always chasing him but he has never cheated in his past relationships. I'm finding our lonf distance relationship hard because he is still with all my old friends in High school while I have been forced out into the "big wide world" by myself without being with him in person. I'm nervous that he will find a new person and fall in love with them eventhough he he tells me a lot that he loves me, etc. I'm getting paranoid and jealous and I have never been jealous before about how my guy will react with other girls. So getting to the point (finally..) do you have any advice you could offer me in how to "survive" a long distance relationship? Or how to get my jealousy to subside? I haven't talked to him about any of my fears because most guys my age are intimidated by their partner's lack of confidence/esteem... so I have turned to you begging for advice... I will not be with him permently until 2 years... Is there anyway to make it easier? I'm so confused! help!!

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This may be a long question but I had no idea who to ask advice of since everyone I know isn't experienced enough to give it. My boyfriend and I have really connected and I've felt more secure and comfortable with him than any other guy I've been with. But recently I moved away to go to college while he's taking another year in high school (I'm inexperienced in'love-stuff' myself..) anyway, we've only been apart a month and I went to see him recently and he was sweet and everything but now I am getting paranoid. He's an attractive guy and has a few girls always chasing him but he has never cheated in his past relationships. I'm finding our lonf distance relationship hard because he is still with all my old friends in High school while I have been forced out into the "big wide world" by myself without being with him in person. I'm nervous that he will find a new person and fall in love with them eventhough he he tells me a lot that he loves me, etc. I'm getting paranoid and jealous and I have never been jealous before about how my guy will react with other girls. So getting to the point (finally..) do you have any advice you could offer me in how to "survive" a long distance relationship? Or how to get my jealousy to subside? I haven't talked to him about any of my fears because most guys my age are intimidated by their partner's lack of confidence/esteem... so I have turned to you begging for advice... I will not be with him permently until 2 years... Is there anyway to make it easier? I'm so confused! help!!

Hi there

 

I tend to find that when I understand what the hell is going on in my head- it helps! So, here goes, this is my approach. I hope it helps.

 

Jealousy is all about the fear of losing something you need to somebody "better". It is completely natural, as love is a basic human need. So when we find somebody who fulfils our need for love, we don't want to lose them. Basically your "jealousy" or anxieties are because you care about this guy, and currently want him to be in your life.

 

When we regularly see a partner they can allay these fears, and often simnply because we see them so often, we feel more secure about the relationship. We feel more a part of their lives, and feel we know whats going on.

 

When we don't know what's going on, our mind can conjure up all sorts of awful scenarios. I tend to think this is a self-defence mechanism. You don't feel so secure, so you prepare yourself for the worst, so you don't get hurt.

 

I wish I could offer some magic trick to solve your problem. However, LDR's are known to be very difficult, for these very reasons. Some people can survive without the regular intimacy- others cannot. You will at least come to know what works for you, which could be useful knowledge for your future.

 

All, I can recommend is that you try and live your life to the full. Also, you have to trust in people to some point. Ask yourself in the cold light of day, if you can really trust this person- NOT at night when your minds going crazy. To be honest, if the worst happens and it doesn't work out- then he wasn't right for you. I hope that doesn't happen.

 

Try to stop worrying about something beyond your control. Do what feels right for you- so keep in contact, see him, enjoy his company, but have a life of your own.

 

good luck

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Long distance relationships are very difficult.

 

First, if you really love him and you really love yourself you won't worry if he finds someone else. If that makes him happy, you certainly wouldn't be happy being with him knowing there was somebody else out there for this guy. So this is a very excellent period to see just how strong your relationship is.

 

Two years is a long time. A really long time for someone his age...and yours too. Both of you have a lot of travelling to do, a lot of emotional and spiritual growing to do in the coming years and a lot of changes will take place in the two of you. These aren't good years to be apart...and maybe not such great years to be tied down either.

 

My thought is that both of you should play the field during this time, have fun, stay friends, and then see where it all is in a few years. I know, I have been there. In two years, you will be back and he will be off somewhere to college...or both of you will have changed so dramatically the same things that kept you together in the past may not be present in any measure when you return to his presence.

 

You are not liking at all what I'm writing but I'm being very realistic. The only real alternative that has half a chance of lengthening or making permanent your relationship is if you travel home often, especially on the weekends, and he makes frequent visits to you. That's the ONLY alternative. And even doing that, there is no way to predict the length of the relationship.

 

In person relationships between young people are extremely volatile. Long distance relationships are even more so. I really want this to work for you but I also don't want you to set yourself up for devastation. You are right not to relate to him your fears. But your concerns are certainly justified.

 

So, I've given you about the only two choices there are, short of moving back home. The two of you visit each other and get together as often as possible...or free each other to see other people and see how the two of you feel about each other in a few years.

 

If you call him too often...send him too much mail...etc., you could really burn things out that way too. You are going to have to play this by ear and fine tune your strategy. But it's not going to be easy.

 

If I had to place a bet, I would put my money that you will meet someone at your college that you'll flip over and you'll be troubling yourself on how to break the news to your guy back home.

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