unfaithful wife

[Jerry]

I've been married for 10 years and up until now, we had what seemed like the perfect marriage. This marriage has remained strong because we have always been committed to each other and we've agreed to always be honest. I wanted to show how much I loved her, so I planned a one week Caribbean cruise which she always wanted to take and arranged for my sister to watch our kids. This was to be a combination of her 30th birthday celebration for her as well as our 10 year anniversary celebration, but as luck would have it, there was problems at work, and I couldn't go on the trip. My wife really wanted to take this cruise and I didn't want to disappoint her, so I told her she could go with a girl friend of hers. She went with her best friend.

 

A couple days after she came back from the cruise, she told me she had a confession to make. She told me she had been unfaithful to me while she was on the trip. She went on to explain how she met this guy on the first day, and what started out as a friendly relation soon blossomed into a romantic thing. She started crying when she told me how she had sex with him every evening and sometimes in the afternoon too. As she told me about this I told her to stop. All of this honesty stuff was killing me. What she said was like darts in my heart. I was devastated. It's not even as though she had a one night stand or something. She totally gave her self over to this guy for a week. She said she was sorry and would never do anything like that again. She said she loved me and asked if I could possible forgive her. I didn't have it in my heart to do that at the time.

 

My wife's friend, who went on the trip with her, came by to talk with me. She said my wife had never done anything like this before and would never do anything like this again. She told me that if my wife said nothing, I would have never known, but now I'm holding her honesty against her. She said I should keep things in prospective. She said to think about the fact that we have been married for over 10 years which is more than 500 weeks. She said that even though she had been unfaithful for one week, that still leaves over 99% of the time she has been faithful. She said I should dwell on that and not on the one percent she wasn't. She told me I should forgive her and forget the entire thing. I don't know. I'm confused by it all. Is she right?

[No Longer...]

OUCH!

 

I won't even pretend to be able to relate to your pain, because anything I may have possibly felt up until now could not compare. But listening to this, I can't help but feel angry at her! I was in a 5 year relationship (committed, but certainly not at the level of marriage like your own) and when I found out my gf cheated on me a couple years into our situation, I have to honestly tell you that I never recovered from it. Our relationship from that point forward was unbalanced because -- quite frankly -- I had "taken her back" and gave her forgiveness. But deep inside, I always held onto her unfaithfulness -- it does not matter. Faithful is not a 99% thing. It is all or nothing. That situation caused me to lose respect for her, and from that point forward (even though we survived a few more years), my willingness to contribute more to the relationship was much lower because -- in my eyes -- just me sticking around was contribution enough. It was doomed after that. I almost felt "entitled" to special treatment because I had allowed myself to stick around. Right or wrong, those were the feelings I went through as a result of that pain.

 

But again, that was not a marriage, just a long relationship. I can't say how it should be in your situation, but I would imagine you will suffer anger and hurt for a long time. On a 10-year wedding anniversary set up by yourself. UGH! Best of luck. I hope if you do forgive and move on that you do not suffer the same lack of desire to contribute like I did.

I’ve been married for 10 years and up until now, we had what seemed like the perfect marriage. This marriage has remained strong because we have always been committed to each other and we’ve agreed to always be honest. I wanted to show how much I loved her, so I planned a one week Caribbean cruise which she always wanted to take and arranged for my sister to watch our kids. This was to be a combination of her 30th birthday celebration for her as well as our 10 year anniversary celebration, but as luck would have it, there was problems at work, and I couldn’t go on the trip. My wife really wanted to take this cruise and I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I told her she could go with a girl friend of hers. She went with her best friend. A couple days after she came back from the cruise, she told me she had a confession to make. She told me she had been unfaithful to me while she was on the trip. She went on to explain how she met this guy on the first day, and what started out as a friendly relation soon blossomed into a romantic thing. She started crying when she told me how she had sex with him every evening and sometimes in the afternoon too. As she told me about this I told her to stop. All of this honesty stuff was killing me. What she said was like darts in my heart. I was devastated. It’s not even as though she had a one night stand or something. She totally gave her self over to this guy for a week. She said she was sorry and would never do anything like that again. She said she loved me and asked if I could possible forgive her. I didn't have it in my heart to do that at the time. My wife’s friend, who went on the trip with her, came by to talk with me. She said my wife had never done anything like this before and would never do anything like this again. She told me that if my wife said nothing, I would have never known, but now I’m holding her honesty against her. She said I should keep things in prospective. She said to think about the fact that we have been married for over 10 years which is more than 500 weeks. She said that even though she had been unfaithful for one week, that still leaves over 99% of the time she has been faithful. She said I should dwell on that and not on the one percent she wasn’t. She told me I should forgive her and forget the entire thing. I don't know. I'm confused by it all. Is she right?

[J]

I must agree with No Longer. Honesty is an ALL or nothing thing. I do know that if I had a husband, who was caring enough to purchase a Caribbean cruise for me, I would always have been thinking in the back of my mind how lucky I was to have such a caring husband, not sleeping with a TOTAL STRANGER, I won't even go into diseases. And her friend came by to see you? How come her friend wasn't concerned DURING the cruise about your marriage? I don't know what makes me angrier, your wife for completely un-appreciating you or her friend for playing both sides and acting like 1% of cheating isn't really that bad. I am truly sorry kids are involved but an unhappy man makes an unhappy, unhealthy father. In the long run, your kids would understand any decision you make.

[Richie]

As you said, it is not a one night stand. She had realised what she was doing. It was not an accident. She must be real cruel to explain what, when,how and how many times they did. Her friend's 99% example is a real bulls***. If One week away from you, can make her to sleep with a stranger, what if you go one month away on business trip? She doesn't deserve your love.

 

Take care,

 

Anbu

[Michelle Cooper]

OUCH! I won't even pretend to be able to relate to your pain, because anything I may have possibly felt up until now could not compare. But listening to this, I can't help but feel angry at her! I was in a 5 year relationship (committed, but certainly not at the level of marriage like your own) and when I found out my gf cheated on me a couple years into our situation, I have to honestly tell you that I never recovered from it. Our relationship from that point forward was unbalanced because -- quite frankly -- I had "taken her back" and gave her forgiveness. But deep inside, I always held onto her unfaithfulness -- it does not matter. Faithful is not a 99% thing. It is all or nothing. That situation caused me to lose respect for her, and from that point forward (even though we survived a few more years), my willingness to contribute more to the relationship was much lower because -- in my eyes -- just me sticking around was contribution enough. It was doomed after that. I almost felt "entitled" to special treatment because I had allowed myself to stick around. Right or wrong, those were the feelings I went through as a result of that pain. But again, that was not a marriage, just a long relationship. I can't say how it should be in your situation, but I would imagine you will suffer anger and hurt for a long time. On a 10-year wedding anniversary set up by yourself. UGH! Best of luck. I hope if you do forgive and move on that you do not suffer the same lack of desire to contribute like I did. I have been married to my husband for almost 7 years now and our relationship has become boring. Well I am somewhat involved with a mutual friend of ours who is also married. I truly love my husband though. I don't want our marriage to end, and I can't be honest with him like your wife did. You should be glad that your wife cares enough about you to tell you the truth, because there is no way I would ever tell my husband the truth. If your wife planned on cheating again, she would not have told you about her "fling". I am sure you feel betrayed but there is alot to be said for your wife's honesty.

[Kathy]

I disagree with you Michelle...I think the only reason Jerry's wife told him about the affair was because she couldn't deal with her own guilt and had to offload it. Think about it...what did she achieve by telling him? If she really regretted it and wanted to move past it, wouldn't it have been better for her to keep her secret to herself and do everything she could to show Jerry she loved him?

 

I think she was trying to tell him something about what may be missing in their relationship by telling him about her affair. Yes I agree she shouldn't have done it, but if she was truly sorry she wouldn't have had to rub his face in it either.